Things that make you go: Hmmmm???

There are a lot of things I just don't "get". I never professed to be a genius. My elevator may not go up to the top floor sometimes. I have my own way of doing things. I have my own way of looking at things that others may think of as "askew". I am OK with that!

You'd Probably still would have wanted to cheat off me in school because I worked very hard and my grades reflected this in every subject EXCEPT math.

Math is horrible. I grrrrrr Math. (..and shame on you for cheating off of me!!)

With all that being said in a run-on sentence, rambling, crazy girl kinda way, here are some things I get confused by written for your pleasure in a: run-on sentence, rambling, crazy girl kinda way.

When manufacturers make a package of food, they put a picture of the food on the front. This makes sense to me because I want my chicken nugget to look like a "chicken nugget" when I open the package. If I opened the package and the chicken nuggets looked like,,,, say,,,,, Purple Polka-dotted Shwangs,, I would be upset. I did not purchase Purple Polka-dotted Shwangs on this day. I only procure my Purple Polka-dotted Shwangs on Tuesdays (The red striped Shwangs are purchased on Friday because I always have a Shwang coupon then).

So this picture of the product helps the consumer visualize the product so there are no Shwang surprises (you should always be prepared for a Shwang,, just sayn').

But,, if on the front of a cereal box for instance, there is a picture of a spoonful of cereal and a little milk dripping off of it, why do you have to put "Serving Suggestion" under the picture? Would I not figure out that I should eat cereal with a spoon and maybe it would be good with milk in it? Is the serving suggestion, suggesting that I should let milk spill out from MY spoon because then,,, it will taste better? Maybe I am not getting the proper amount of individual pieces of cereal ON my spoon. Maybe they are suggesting that I count how many individual pieces are ON each spoonful so that the number in the picture matches the number on MY spoon,, therefore accentuating my overall cereal pleasure factor.

********shrug*********

My frozen meatball package had a picture of the meatball on it (It was clearly NOT a Purple polka-dotted Shwang and that was helpful information). It was a picture of a cooked meatball that was cut in half and skewered on a fork. This was a great "Serving Suggestion" as the meatballs were fairly large and would have been hard to eat frozen and whole, but I probably would have went "spoon" as my utensil Du jour had they not given proper suggestion guidance, (possibly "spork" but I would have had to of gone to KFC and stole some sporks the day before, so I had them on hand for the meatball eating).

Had I did it MY way I would have been chasing a large rogue frozen meatball around the house for hours with a spoon. By the time I finally corralled it ONTO my spoon (after it's integrity was hampered a bit due to thawing) it would be covered in carpet fibers and licked by the puppy 23 times and I probably would have stepped on it at least twice.

That does not sound like a good serving suggestion,, but that's just my opinion.


I also don't understand toilets. Well let me clarify, I don't understand clogged toilets. My kids poop large. They are "large poopers" (my poops are delicate rose petal packages, so they don't count).

Having 3 "large poopers" does not fair well with my aged and defiant toilets. Trying to explain to a child that their ass is only two inches wide and they do not need three rolls of toilet paper to wipe it, has also failed.

I have clogged toilets everyday. I don't feel pretty when that happens. But why is it I can plunge the toilet, pull the plunger out, all the water drains and the bowl makes that gurgerly "I am empty" sound and I think: it must be unclogged,,,,YAY me!!!!! But when I turn the water back on and flush ......... it Freakin' overflows again and,,, I don't feel pretty AGAIN.

Did it not just DRAIN? Did I not just watch water go down the pipe successfully and even verify it's absence with the gurgerly "I am empty" sound ?

How did it get clogged AGAIN? What is the meaning of this?? And why am I crying over a toilet everyday???

I also question magazine pictures. Every time I get a magazine and there is a picture of clothing, make-up or jewelry I like, I read the credits to see brand, price etc .. etc... Not that I would ever buy it, I just want to know that the pretty plastic bangle bracelet cost $10,000, because it is a Dior and I will never own one,,, therefore,,, I will never be as pretty as the model and probably never be anorexic and having sex with 2 male models in a luxury studio apartment after partying as a VIP with Cryst-al on the roof of the "Cobra lounge" wearing next to nothing, all while getting excited about my Sports Illustrated cover shoot the next day in Australia, next to a big black native Australian rock with water geysers in the back ground.

What bothers me is if the picture is of "just a woman's face",,, and the credits read: Make-up done by: whoever, Sweater by: Prague.. $850, Jeans by: Seven ..$330, Ring by: Schwanker.. $12,500, Shoes by: Armani ..$6,500...and so on and so on.....

Why is the only thing I SEE in the picture...... her FACE??!!

I don't see the ring here or there,,, I do not see the jeans anywhere,,,

I do not SEE these things marketing man!! .........

I do not see them,,, and MAD I AM!!
(getting all Seussical on ya ass!)

What the Halibut????

Why are you telling me about them? Am I to visualize what I "think" they look like and dream about them, coveting every individual item until I am possessed enough to purchase all the items that I have not even seen a picture of and then turning into a hoarder on an A&E special that has to climb over piles of old toilet paper tubes (I kept for sentimental purposes) to get to my bed only to then have to remove 10-ft high stacks of Nascar 7-11 cups (because my lipstick stains are still on them) off the bed before finding my pillow, which had been covering up a 3ft square area filled with nothing but McDonald's Happy Meal toys that,, I thought about keeping in the "original" Happy Meal boxes, but decided if I did that, I would not be able to actually "see" the Happy Meal toys,,, and that would make me sad,,, totally going against the principal of even having Happy Meal items in the first place,,,, and,,, maybe if I were really sad and bothered,,, I would go out and buy 150 books on "Why things bother people" and place them right next to my 250 books on "Why things make you sad",,, but then,,,, I actually end up reading one of the books on a Monday night at 9:25 PM and now that I totally understand what was REALLY wrong with me, I can dig out the handsome man who had been buried under a Happy Meal box fortress in the bathroom, behind my collection of antique Jello molds and crochet finger puppets for over 3 years and tell him:

I AM BETTER NOW!!!! ......WE SHOULD HAVE SEX

..(just let me clear off the kitchen table).

What?????.....It could happen........And I get to have sex after it does,, don't hate!


P.S. There is a Shwang sale this weekend !!!!

Half off Blue Reticulated Shwangs!!!

Get there early because the first 329 people get a rare Expandable Orange Shwang for $19.99 !!!!