What would June Do??
I was not a good mother yesterday. Which is really kind of sad since it was Mothers Day and apparently I was supposed to be celebrated for BEING a good mother. But then I thought: Well, I have to share this day with even the BAD mothers out there,,, so what's up with that?
I have been a good mother 364 of the other days though, which is still pretty good.
Yesterday I needed to be left alone, but I wasn't. Yesterday I needed to be selfish, but I wasn't. Yesterday I needed to remember what it felt like to just be, but I couldn't.... Turns out trying to "just be" is very hard.
I decided late Saturday night that I would do everything in my power to do absolutely nothing on Sunday. I had stocked up on duct tape just in case the kids would not cooperate with sitting still. I had prepped food for the day and had new movies for them.
When everybody woke up I took the puppy out and asked the girls to watch my son who was sitting angelically playing his leapfrog. DramaGirl hopped out still all casted and dramatical.
It was 7Am----Give me till 8Am-----PLEASE-----just an hour!!!
They all agreed that I could have one more hour of sleep.
My Mothers Day present!!!
I went and laid down, hugging "man pillow" and caressing a soft down comforter. Feet were ejected from the covers so I wouldn't get all trapped and panicky..... Dosing off,,,, thinking about,,,, bunnies and naked men jumping through a meadow of Green Olives and blossoming Mascara Trees (OK, so the bunnies weren't really there- I was trying to sound wholesome).
Me, only I was cuter and my men were handsome nakey jay birdsIt had been all of 10 minutes and a Mascara tree was just about to drop a new lengthening mascara blossom into my perfectly manicured, readied hands whilst 4 of my naked men sang my praises and held me over their heads in one of those fancy Royal Sedan chair thingies,,, My white dress was spilling over the edge of the Sedan chair thingy tickling one of my naked men and his laughter shook the cart and made me happy. 3 other naked men were performing a dance from the Broadway performance of "Annie" just because I said so and I needed to know when the sun would come out again... Yet another naked man was tossing Green Olives into my mouth whilst 2 others fanned me with Peacock plumes.. The three naked men trailing my Sedan chair thingy were tossing Hydrangea blossoms into the air so that it would appear to be snowing flowers for me,,,, It also was a very good hair day so I was smiling a hell of a lot.
Another of my naked men (this one looking like Brendan Frasier):
.....ran up called me "Majesty" and hand delivered a notice from Americas Next Top Model. I pishawed him because Royals DON"T read the mail of commoners and he read it to me just as I had commanded,,, in the voice of a young Sean Connery. Turns out that Americas Next Top Model's recruiters had spotted me and my raging fabulosity and asked me to win, I mean "be on" their next cycle (I believe it is cycle 315),, but,, they also warned me to try and "pretty down" a bit so I didn't overshadow Tyra,, because the show is really ALL about her,,,,, and because her enchanted mirror had not picked up on ME as being the "fairest in the land".....yet......... I said I would "try" but did not make any promises to them.
The naked men then all started to cry because they would miss me when I went and won Cycle 315 and had to travel all over with my million dollar Cover Girl contract... I was just about to give all of my naked men formal good bye and hand out my elimination ceremony roses when,,,,,
.......the yipping started...........
Yes folks,, Dino from the Flinstone's lives at my house...
yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip
I open my eyes, stare at the ceiling and think,,,,, I am not going........just not....I smell no blood.......there are no flames........Covers back over head.....Squint eyes and pray the naked men come back to me...........Come back naked men...........Come back (only if you have a rose of course..)
The yipping increases and bellows down the hall............feet now pulled in.....face covered......I am perfectly hidden....and laying....perfectly still....not breathing.....
.........maybe they will not know I am here and go away......
!!!!!!!!!! MOM !!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!! MOM !!!!!!!!!
Dammit,,, they know my name......
"Traxx pooped his pants and you gotta get it!" was the buzz.....
"Yes, I suppose I do" I say still completely covered
"I did not poop my pantz causa iza,, a big boyz and weeez DON'T pooz in our pantz!!" Traxx said crossing his arms and glaring at his sister..
"But you still gotta wipe my AHSS"
At this point I should be shocked that my son said "ASS" but in my defense, he did say it all "British" like and proper so I think that negates the severity of using a curse word at 4,,,,, right???
"So,,, you DID poop your pants" I say still laying in my once heavenly cocoon only revealing my nose to sniff the air for evidence of the crime.
He rips my covers off, pulls down puppy pajama shorts, turns and presents me with crack..
"NO,,,, I pooed my AHSS, I JUST pooooed in my AHSS,,, NOT in my pantz and YOU gotta wipe it"
So I did....mentioning also that he should say "BUM" instead of "AHSS" if he ever wanted Santa Clause to visit again.....
And I was up then so I took care of them all day in Good Mommy fashion....
....But there was that 10 minutes that I was a bad mommy and lay day dreaming of naked men, Mascara frivolity and Broadway show tunes......... (holding head down in shame)
..don't judge me.....
Extra credit....How many naked men did I have?