Tuesday, May 11, 2010

EPIC......uh....NO......It's not EPIC

Happy Birthday, Happy! Pictures, Images and Photos
I looked up "HAPPY" on Photobucket and,,,, ahem she came up...
Who Knew??

I better post before the madness starts and the fun of a quiet foggy morning ends with toddler laughter and puppy wags (Aww, that sounds sweet, see, I AM a good person!!).

Yesterday, I figured 2 things out!! "WOW!!!!" you say, awaiting a statement of EPIC proportions to blast off of this post. Well, it may not be EPIC to most of you, but I think self discovery on any level is Effn EPIC.

epic fail Pictures, Images and Photos


#1. not so Epic discovery:

I am a hopeless SAP

I sat in the dark, quiet was surrounding me and swallowing the hectic day. I was soothed by the calm. The TV was low. I had just showered, lotioned and spritzed body spray and was licking my arm.

My favorite time of the day was upon me, basking in me-ness for a few stolen moments.

I smelled like a freshly picked Jasmine bloom, soft and sweet. The glow from the different screen changes on the TV had me transfixed.

And I started to cry.

I started to cry while watching the comedy sitcom, Cougar Town. I got emotional over two characters realizing they loved each other in a very sweet and touching way. I got emotional thinking of how happy that feeling is and how it controls you and you look like an idiot.

I wanted to look like an idiot, but realized I already do 99% of the time,,, so,,,, SCORE!!!

I thought of how lucky people are to have someone and yet they overlook it everyday.

My time will come.

I know I am a sap. Truth is I would rather ME catch all the hurt in the world for the ones I love. I have proven my strength there I think. Make me the target instead of aiming elsewhere. I can handle it,,, But ONLY IF the people I love are smiling and happy. Let me absorb their pain.

When I see sweet shows, commercials, stolen moments,,,,, I cry...... I cry an ugly,,,,, head jerking,,,,, slow snot running,,,,,, would you just SHUT-UP cry..... And I always will.... I get choked up easily when good things happen..... I get choked up easily when bad things arise. They can be small enough to almost miss,,,,,, you'll still hear me start to sniffle......

I am such a girl.

Maybe it was the lotion that turned me into a SAP last night (you do know they lace that stuff with girly emotion hormones, right?). Maybe it was the fact that DISH Network is letting me have free "Woman" channels as a preview and I know I will be screaming "Oh,,,,, NO HE DI-INT GIRLFRIEND!!!!!" to the screen whilst I watch Lifetime Channel's "Movies for Women" ----24 hours straight.

Whatever the case may be, I was in a thick sock,,,, tissue hogging,,,,, Ben and Jerry craving mood last night. If I had a pink "Snuggie" I probably would have even worn it..

Instead I ate a few handfuls of Green Olives,, wiped my tears and snot,, and was glad no one was there to see it.

The discovery of me being a SAP is not EPIC,,, but it IS real and when YOU are with me and that damn commercial comes on where the mom scruffs the boys hair and he says he loves her and hands her a necklace he made from rubber bands, grape jelly and his own belly button lint........ and she cries,,,,,,, I will be crying too...... And I will be looking at YOU.........
Because......

How could anyone resist tearing up at a rubber band, grape jelly and tummy lint necklace for mom??????????

Now GET OUT until:

A. You grow a heart...

@. You can fake a good snot cry with me......

9. You own a Green Olive Distribution Center (cause then I would heart you like the devil).



#2. not so EPIC discovery

I am missing a quirky ensemble cast of friends

So I watched those sitcoms yesterday while sick and on the command central couch.

Friends..... Seinfeld..... Cougar Town.....I realized that besides missing the following items:

-- A man (that does quirky "man" things around the house like leaving stache hairs in the sink and drinking my milk straight out of the carton)

--A nice house (that the windows and doors are always unlocked and people show up at all times of the day and night bringing comedy to a mundane world)

--A lucrative job (that brings sexual tension, everyday struggle and conflict over stolen lunches)

--A Family (that is made up of entirely insane characters that make YOU look like a saint)

--An unending supply of black coffee (because you might live in a cafe or something cool and edgy like that)

Besides missing all of that....

What I am REALLY missing is:

An ensemble cast of quirky friends...

We all need a menagerie of different perspectives around us.

I DO have a friend who is into:

"FUR" SEX

... and that is,, uh "quirky" right???
(cough, choke, question again)


http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/furry/images/a/a2/StanAndBullockAmericanDadFurryConvention.jpg
WTF?????


But as a whole my friends are pretty sane. I end up helping them with "normal" problems and not "fun" ones like the ones on TV.


I would so love to break into an office in the middle of the night to stop an email from being sent that professes love to my friends anal boss.

I would be thrilled ta death to be called only to hear a male friend say:

" Uh,, how can you get self tanner off your,, ahem,, you know,, your.....don't laugh at me dammit,,, just tell me HOW??"



It would be a pleasure to help you find a ca
t that looks just like your neighbors cat because you shaved your neighbors cat by accident....

Shaved cat Pictures, Images and Photos

....... and you are scared of their retaliation,, so you need me to help you find a "fake" replacement cat until the real one's fur grows back and you'll need my help again to exchange them when the fur DOES grow back in.. But after we break into your neighbors house to switch the cats out, you drop a hammer on their sons rare turtle, and I say "why do you have a hammer anyway" and you shrug and then we intelligently deduce that we need to paint a rock to look exactly like said neighbor's son's dead turtle and take the said neighbor's son's dead turtle's carcass with us,, so we can accurately replicate his turtleish markings to get an exact "turtle replica",,, But ,,, this involves driving to China Town,,, because that's the only place they would have this rare type of turtle ,,, which poses another problem,,, when we bump into our hot twin ex-boyfriends,,, who want to party with us,,, but SEE the neighbor's son's dead turtle carcass and question us about it... We don't know how to explain it away,, except to tell them that it was our dear pet "Ferdinand" who choked on a frozen mealy worm and that we were going to celebrate his full turtle life by making him into fresh Chinese turtle soup,, because that is a high level of honor in a rare Chinese turtle's world,,, and then we start to cry
convincingly and run away,, but the hot twin ex-boyfriends think we are a few bricks short of a full load and call our moms to warn them of our pending insanity breakdown and our moms both freak out and organize a huge joint sanity intervention to get us to agree to go into therapy........but I am a little excited because I see that there are pickles AND olives on a relish tray for our "after" intervention refreshment..

.......Would so love to help you with that!!!

I tried to analyze each "friend" role from the shows I watched. I wondered which "friend" I might be.

Would I be the sexy hot single gal that gets ALL the men but NEVER gets the "right" one and needs counseling about that but the counseling takes the form of shoe shopping and Frappe sucking while wearing fabulous clothes in a red convertible type vehicle???.....NOPE,,, but I would be sexy I hope.....

Would I be the selfish one who always complains about everything and everyone looks at her like shes crazy because THEY want her life so bad they can taste it???.... NOPE... just NOPE

Would I be the beatnik who has a heart of gold but is pre-judged because of his nontraditional views on life? The one who thinks smoking Mary Jane everyday is mandatory but it does kinda add to his awkward charm somehow??? .... NOPE... DOPE... But I would LIKE him I think....

Would I be the quirky hot chic that dances to her own drum that everyone DOES hear, but ignores it because they are too wrapped up in their own appearance to ACTUALLY be themselves. You know,, the clutzy girl that always smiles and runs into walls and trips on steps and wishes she was top shelf alcohol,,, but feels like a cheap tapped draft beer,, but she is OK with that too??? ......Don't answer that.....

I do think that having an ensemble of tight knit and different personalities as friends is what I am missing in life.

But....

All of you have filled that spot a little bit for me. wink..hug

So tell me......... Which "friend" are you???

Give me your own "friend" description.......I wanna know.........

8 Seducing Deductions:

IT said...

Damn, you took all the good ones.

Slyde said...

i have heard of fur sex, but i have never actually heard of anyone actually being into it. i know they have a big convention somewhere in new england each halloween for it, if you can believe that shit.

Cheeseboy said...

Have patience my friend. It will all happen for you. As for Cougar Town - I have always had a Courtney Cox crush so it always brings me to tears.

The Invisible Seductress said...

It- I know you can think of one..I didn't hit on any of the suavies...wink

Slyde-Yes that is very weird. I say to each their own,,but,,still...huh????? hugs...

Cheeseboy-Aw you're sweet!!! No one would want a quack like me..ack..urp.. I have a "girl" crush on Courtney too, i have always sthought she was cute and funny...winks and hugs!!..

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

First of all, how can you concider yourself crazed when you fully understand the glory that is the 'relish tray'? If we hung out we would plot and scheme how to crash funerals and weddings and church socials in the attempt to fill a pillowcase full of free relishy goodness. (Hey, if they leave it out it's first come first served. It's a relish jungle out there). Then when the 'authority' at these events came down on us. I would act like the fool and give you time to escape with your pillowcase. That's the kind of friend I am.

Blasé said...

I'm sorry, but I can't get passed "licking my arm"...

The Invisible Seductress said...

Cal- That is just the kind of friend I need!!!!!!!! ;)

Blase- it's OK it was yummy lotiony goodness..wink..

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

But wait, I believe I do qualify as both a quirky friend and an insane family member. It would be my honor. We're still competing together in the dwarf Olympics, after all. Damn, I still haven't even figured out what boccia ball is. You'll carry us through, though. I'm not worried. Gulp.
Hang in there, sweet lady!
Hugs,
Robyn

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