When I woke up today,,,
I saw a horrific sight....
There...
in the middle of my...
in the middle of my...
"It's a wonderful morning,,, let us all stretch,,,
and sing Disney love songs" kitchen pathway,,,
and sing Disney love songs" kitchen pathway,,,
was a HUGE
................ Palmetto Bug!!
I call them Palmetto bugs because for some strange reason it sounds better to me than calling them what they really are,,,, F'n roaches... But in my defense,, I lived IN the Palmetto State of South Carolina long enough to still have the right to call a roach a Palmetto Bug,,, and I will use this little known privilege for as long as I would like....FFFFffffffbbbthhhhst... (that was a raspberry,,, blown at you in a childish display).
This PB was huge. He was laying on his back and making a last ditch effort at survival. At this point only one of his little buggy legs was kicking. This one little buggy leg would hit the linoleum and make him go in circles,,, over and over and over,,, in sloooow,,, sad little "Please Ma'am,,, may I live??" buggy circles.
I looked down on him and for a moment the "OMG,,, it's gross, it's GROSS" attitude disappeared,,, and the womanly compassion nerves in my brain started electrically firing,,, making me a little sad for him.
This is what my fresh womanly compassionate mis-fired brain nerves visualized:
Awwww,,, HI!!!!!
(waving emphatically)
(waving emphatically)
That's when I took a reverent knee (from a safe 15 feet away) and said:
Dude,,, (that's what I named him),,, I feel ya!! I mean,, I don't "F-E-E-L -- Y-O-U" in a physical sense because if I did,,, I would have to spend the next 8 hours with 2 jugs of Clorox bleach,,, 6 steel wool scrubby pads and a hatred of my own flesh.... But I "GET YA" in a more verbal, "I'm pickin' up what you're laying down", empathetic way.
You see "D" (if I may call you that),,, I too feel like I am going in circles sometimes. Working so hard for years and only coming around to find out I am right back where I began.
It is disheartening to say the least!
(at this point I start to pace around in a General Custer,, "patriotic military movie monologue" sort of way,, for added drama)
This world is a cruel,,, cruel place Dude,,, and your display of might and will to live is very touching. You know,,, if you weren't all repulsive and buggish in nature I would help you up and serve us both bottomless shots of Grey Goose... Actually,,, I would probably drink mine through an unusually fat straw,,, in a 7-11 Big Gulp cup,,, because after all,,, I am having shots with a dieing Palmetto Bug,,, and some people would consider that strange... Since I don't have any microscopic shot glasses for you to drink from,,, I would probably just continue to put drops of Grey Goose on the floor and you could suck the vodka up with your gross little antennae drinking tongue thingy, or is that just on a butterflies?? Whatever Dude, you get the point, right??
We could talk for hours about how your ancestors survived multiple catastrophic disasters both man made and natural and how cool that is for you.
REALLY,,,,your Momanem' were there??
Cooooooool!!!!
Cooooooool!!!!
You could tell me stories about how you can make grown men and women scream like toddlers and run in horror to the safety of another room.
It's OK Puddin' Pie!!
You could even whip out your little buggy wallet,,, toss out your accordion flip photo holder thingy,,, and show me pics of your 1,050 kids. You could tell me each of their names and I could say to them as I catch them meandering around my house things like: You know BugHilda,,, I did Grey Goose shots with your dad on the last day of his life,,, he loved you very much!!!
Mmmmm
No,,, I can't promise I won't kill your children Dude, but I CAN say that instead of saying: Come here you "little shit" and chasing them down with a high heeled shoe and a can of Raid while screaming loudly... Instead of that,,, I would scream loudly while calling them BY their surnames and respectfully asking: How may I execute you today, Dude the XCVIth?? That's a bit better, dontchya think Dude???
Then,,, the guilty mis-firing womanly compassion nerves in my brain will snap to their damn senses and I would pause for a moment before saying:
Dude,,, I am so sorry to say this,,,,, BUT,,,, you really ARE repulsive and buggish in an OMG,,, it's gross,,, it's GROSS kinda way,,, and as much as I admire your will to live,,, I must end your life by means of drowning in my loo,,, BUT,,, there is a pretty cool water slide type ride for the first few minutes and,,, by now you should be pretty drunk,,, so,,, well,,, uh,,, Good bye Dude...
.......AND.......
(this is where I salute him and tap my heels together,,, formally)
.......Thanks for your motivational display on survival,, I will honor your memory by sharing it with my blog family.. (if it is even possible to remember it after the copious amounts of vodka I have consumed with you,,, of course,,,, urp,,, I don't feel so well,,,, can someone OTHER than the bug hold my hair back????)...
Note: I know this post could give most people the heebie jeebies all day,,, so,, as a mental palate cleanser I will offer you a cute picture of bunnies..
Please enjoy this picture of sweet "bunny love" :
No,,,, wait,,, this picture reminds me of failed love... I wouldn't want you to think about MY stupid failed love all day either...
Please enjoy this animated picture of pizza:
There,, you CAN'T go wrong with animated pizza!!!!!
You're Welcome!!!
Please enjoy this animated picture of pizza:
There,, you CAN'T go wrong with animated pizza!!!!!
You're Welcome!!!
13 Seducing Deductions:
First of all I feel for the bug too. Bad enough that it is on it's back doing that last gasp at life leg twitchy thing without actually having that fact that time is short brought to it's attention. Assume that the bug has no idea what is happening to it. It's a bug. I doubt they contemplate the bigger questions of life before their death. I hope they don't because that ennui would really suck. And think about it. I wouldn't last sixty seconds listening to some bug's life issues. He would have as long as it took me to find a shoe to plead his case and even then I would squish him. Yes I realize in some Twilight Zonish dimension that the roles could be reversed but, bad luck for you bug, we both find ourselves in MY reality. Sucks to be you again, bug. May I call you bug? Even if you have a name you will not be able to convey that to me. You are not Charlotte and you have no web to communicate with me. In hindsight I bet you are wishing you had gone to spider web making classes so that now you could ask for me to put away the shoe I just found. Another reason it sucks to be you. Do you see where I am going with all this, bug. In my mind, your fate is sealed. I could give you an extra minute or so to die on your own but I really can't see that happening now that I have the shoe and you don't. If our roles were reversed I wouldn't expect you to save me. So stop looking at me that way and take you medicine like a good bug. Be an example to other bugs who may assume they can just walk across my floor with impunity. Someone or somebug has to be made an example of. I would give you to the count of three to prepare for the big squish that is coming but we all know you can't count so the gesture is meaningless to you. Just be happy I spent all this time explaining my motivations. It's more than your buddies will get.
WOW... that was part two...
*up steps the man and steps on him and walks away*
now lets put that vodka to good use....
Instead of making the movie "Snakes On a Plane", they could have made "A Roach in Coach". Now that would have been scary! - G
We have roaches in NYC. But your bugs sound like they could kick the living snot out of 'em.
Cal-Exactly....but lets hope the roles ARE never reversed...shiver
Sir-My hero!!! smiling
Georgina- Ewwwww.yes..scary...*shivers again*
Copyboy- Florida bugs are horrible. I have a pool and it seems they come to the back room because it is attatched. But the house is sprayed so luckily if I do see them they are on the way out...*shivers yet again* never a fun thing...
Hi, I'm giving you a versitile blogger award, come check it out :)
I have learned to embrace different kind of bugs. I catch them in a jar or glass and put them back outside. BUT... some insects are just too gross. I will scream and run for my life if I see a roach, a centipede or a bee.
So I take my hat off to you.
Thanks for the animated pizza!
Guess what I'm making for dinner today? Homemade pizza. I have been eating healthy for far too long. I need a break.
Gimme that Carrot!... and Pizza
I hear people from Florida are better looking and better lovers.
They have to have some negative, it must be the bugs.
I have a term for this dude: Bug-eyed, Bull-eyed, Butch Bitch.
Just made it up.
D-Thanks so much!! I appreciate it!!! hugs
DDG-Mmmmm Pizza!!! I hope it was fantastic!!
Blase-Any time!! :)
Sage- Smiling....I like that!!!
Cheeseboy-Bug bitch!! love it!!
I wouldn't think you could write a whole post about a bug dying but you pulled it off sensationally.
Bravo, bravo....
I hope you wore rubber gloves and picked that roach up with a 4 foot pole.
fuck!!
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