Saturday, May 1, 2010

Shocking Seductress Saturday....

Today is:
May 1st 2010!!!!

There are 245 days left in 2010!!

The Month of May is:
Borderline Personality Disorder Month
thinking cap light crazy Pictures, Images and Photos
What is YOUR borderline personality disorder??

May 1-7 is:
Bread Pudding Recipe Exchange Week
bread-pudding Pictures, Images and Photos
Nom, Nom, Nommity, Nom!!!

May 1st is:

Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day!
huh. Pictures, Images and Photos
HUH???? WTF does that even mean?

Please Celebrate Responsibly!!!

So,,, I will tally up and draw the winner out for the 100 Follower Giveaway and contact the winner. I heart you all very much and your comments really do make my day by validating my insanity (in medical terms this makes you an enabler, but you are damn cute so no one will call you out on it)!!

Sleeping dog on Couch Pictures, Images and Photos

Maybe the winner will let me stay on their couch for a month or two whilst I figure out what my borderline personality disorder is. Then I can go and get mediocre help for it, from an "almost" accredited psychologist. Well, at least until I break through and it becomes a full fledged personality disorder. Then I can look down on all of you who have not reached your FULL personality disorder potential.


Yesterday I was feeling a bit down. So I decided to diva myself up with green sparkles and prance me and my beautiful spawns around W to the Mart like show ponies. Everybody loves show ponies!

A cat and pony show. Pictures, Images and Photos
Nothing to do with show ponies,
but dang it's cute....

As I was pulling a 2 ton bag of dog food off the shelf I underestimated it's weight AND the height of my new cute wedge sandals, and did a sideways fall in the aisle. Before I hit the floor my head hit a shelf, bouncing off it like a dodge ball hitting a fat kid.

An old man with loose dentures walked up taking the bag from me. He wagged his finger and pointed out that I should possibly not try to purchase dog food bags that are taller than me. This was funny to everyone around me. I appreciate humor made at my expense so I laughed with him as he demanded to walk the bag to my car. I then said:

Sir, I am a handiCAN not a handiCAN'T!!

I realized instantly that the above statement made absolutely no sense and really wasn't funny at all and wished I could suck those words back in my mouth and replace them with something much wittier. But then I thought if I just say something hysterical right now it would save my comedic sanctity and defuse the joke bomb. When nothing popped in my head, I deduced that there was a high probability that the bumping of my head damaged the comedic connections in my brain and this may be a serious medical issue for me.

I flash forward to the court case where all of you testify to the fact that at one time I really WAS comically gifted and that the injury received in the aisle of W to the Mart has ruined my chances at a stand-up career, thus impacting my net worth and future earning potential. The Judge would tell me to recite a joke and I would say something like:

"What vegetable has corn?"

......I would then wait an entirely inappropriate amount of time because my comedic timing was also negatively effected as a result of the blunt head trauma.................


I scream proudly, waiting for a break out of courtroom laughter. When there is no laughter, and a cricket chirps, a tear would fall down my face slowly and the judge would rule in my favor taking W to the Mart DOWN!!!

All of us would go celebrate, but you ultimately decide that you do not want to hang out with someone so un-freaking funny.

But,,, I am beyond rich now so I pay scientists to extract the funny genes out of a legion of the funniest comedians, inject me with them and I become hysterical once more.

You decide you want back in my good graces because I am SO freaking funny and I agree because my life sucked without you.

At this point the people in the W to the Mart aisle pull my arm and tell me to wake up!! I grab my head dramatically and say:

"But, it wasn't a dream, it was a place,,, and you and you and you were there, Oh Auntie Em......I'm home!!"

.....and I click my wedgies for effect.

... and then I think:

DAMMIT, I'm funny again!

Now all I have as a reminder of the W to the Mart "Show Pony Prance" and "Missed Out Fortune" excursion, is an elliptical shaped bruise on my forehead and a 2 ton bag of dog food.


Please enjoy this badly recorded but still hysterical Family Guy clip:

6 Seducing Deductions:

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You are so beyond-borderline funny, talented and gorgeous. Look at that beautiful, sparkly eye! I'm sure your other one is just as pretty! Take care of that head bump and keep on keepin' on, sis!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

K that one I totally visualized, even the court case. That is why they will never institutionalize you (although you would look fabulous in the slippers, pjs and court issued house coat). You are the happy funny and not the sad funny. Sad funny people only make us feel pity while you, crazy girl, only make us laugh till we cry.

Anonymous said...

I love green sparkles.... *jumps around* wow they make you look the natures witch of the east out of OZ....

love them and u.....

Ken said...

Just found you through Snafu's blog, and thanks for the follow. Be careful of those big dog food bags though, they don't mess around! :)

mac said...

Such a big bag for a tiny dog!

Could be that knock on your noggin made you funnier?
Yes, I think so. Wally World is safe from prosecution.

Ca88andra said...

You are hilarious! Love reading your posts. But are there really only 245 days left this year???

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