Epiphany is a fun word to say,,, Epiphany, Epiphany, Epiphany

I woke up today and had an epiphany!!!!

I thought:

I am going to buy one of those

GIANT ASS NOVELTY GUMMY BEARS!!

Yes,,,, I suppose it would be so fun to have one around the house. A colorful tribute to the sugary ingenuity of men. But then sooner or later someone would ruin the integrity of the bear by licking its face. Or maybe they would even stoop so low as to take a tiny bite out of its huge gummy ear,,,,, thinking no one would know.

That would present a problem because then the GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR would become depressed, sticky and very vulnerable. It would sit there (probably on my mantel, because it is a showpiece after all),,,, and he would crinkle its big gummy nose and cringe horrified each time it saw another mouth coming towards it.

I mean really,, it's like a huge chocolate bunny at Easter,, everybody knows as long as the chocolate integrity is kept in tact, it's fine and it stands to live a long confection bunny life.

But.....

..... the minute the core chocolaty goodness is compromised.....

..... its chances for survival fall 99.8%!!

Soon it has only one ear. Then,,, its little pink (or blue) candy bow tie is missing.

Then,,,, BAM-O!!!!!!.....No head!!!!

Such is the sad reality of being a novelty candy food item.

But the GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR'S fate is even more damning.

Being that it IS now sticky,,,, things would start attaching themselves to it.

It would be the BRIGHTLY COLORED SWIRLY STICKY VORTEX of my home.

Where's the remote control?

......On the GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR.

Where are the keys?

......On the GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR'S head.

Where is Traxx?

......Mommy he's stuck to the GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR.

This would not be a good thing. I feel an obligation,,, NAY,,,, a responsibility,,, NOT to seal the fate of a GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR.

and then.....

ANOTHER EPIPHANY STRIKES
THE UNDER STIMULATED MIND OF A GENIUS!!!

I will get:

a GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER instead

I will use it as a paperweight...

But it will not make a good paperweight....

because it is spherical.....

But,,,,, I will keep trying to forge out its talent as a paperweight until........

I finally recognize the degradation of using the GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER as only a paperweight. It has far more skills and dreams to be placed in a dead end job.

Sooner or later the paper thin layers of color and flavor will call to me from the very Abyss of the GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER

and........

I will heed their call.

I will probably mount the GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER on some type of motor mechanism so that I could just hold my tongue out and the GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER would circle, quickly delivering it's candy chameleon sweetness to my mouth. This would go on for days.......

.....Me staring cross-eyed at my twirling GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER,,,, mesmerized by its complex color and flavor genetic make up.

My tongue would start to stretch from the constant friction pull of the candy against it.

I will slowly start to look like one of those weird little dogs with the freakishly long tongues that hang out of their mouths and drip constantly. When I run,, my tongue would slap me in the face because it had no muscle tone left in it from all the GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKER action I enjoyed. The only possible benefit to having a tongue like this would be if it DID actually start raining lemon drops and gum drops like that asshole Barney eluded to ever so deceptively in this song:

Standing outside with my mouth open wide

AH AH AH AH
AH AH AH AH AH AH

(it really is a good song, and now you'll be singing it all day..Your Welcome!!)

But it NEVER does rain

LEMON DROPS

OR

GUMDROPS

DOES it BARNEY?????

So,,, I don't think I am going to get one of those GIANT NOVELTY JAW BREAKERS after all.

Maybe I should get one of those QUIRKY NOVELTY BEER DRINKING HATS that have the tubes that go from my mouth into my beer cans so I can get drunk without the hindrance of holding a can of ice cold beer. I could bedazzle it.

I see no harm in that.