Your basic: "What's your opinion?" post...

I have been watching a lot of the ID channel. If you don't know what that is and are not currently addicted to it,,,, be thankful. Basically it's like a flashing arrow over the head of every person around you that reads: I am psycho,, I look normal but,, I am psycho,,, and my hands are dirty,,, and I just ate at the buffet and,,, sneezed UNDER the sneeze guard!!

OK,,, so I added the "and my hands are dirty" part 'cause I saw them sneeze in their hands and that was just gross 'cause they didn't have a tissue and they should have used the crook of their elbow thingy like the good people at CDC said to!!!....But they did just really eat at the buffet and sneeze under the sneeze guard,,,, sorry to have to tell you that...

Don't you feel all NASNEEE now????? (FYI: Nasnee is toddler talk for: NASTY)


And on an off note...

Why is it that our genius inventors can't figure out a way to kill 100% of germs and viruses and not leave that pesky little .01% hanging around everywhere???

WTF is up with that .01% anyway???

Speaking of DNA..Yours is everywhere. You just sneezed 1,352,658,000,001,002 germs into the air.

Ooooopsies missed one!!

You just sneezed 1,352,658,000,001,003 "Microbial Americans" that can identify your DNA to a 99.9% accuracy rate in the air (again with the .01%!!??? WTF???????).



And now you could have people with less than angelic demeanors watching tutorial shows on the ID channel like:

Extreme Forensics: Teaches you how to hide DNA

I (almost) got away with it: Teaches you how to (almost) get away with something and maybe YOU WILL 'cause you just saw the mistakes people who (almost) got away with something made

48 Hour Mysteries: Demonstrates how to properly orchestrate an alibi

Dr G. Medical Examiner: Shows what deadly toxins are almost always undetectable in your body

Main Street Murder Mysteries: Accurately portrays every super-nice human as a ruthless murderer and NO ONE is to be trusted

Pure Evil: WTF???

Dateline Mysteries: Total rip off of 48 Hour Mystery, no real distinction here except the narrators voice is Uber-creepy-weird and annoying and then turns squeaky evil in the end of the story synopsis and I wish he'd just get laid and talk normal for cripes sake

I gotta say it's making me a little crazy.. But I am addicted!! I mean really, if you are going to be bad,, you are going to find a way to be bad. And I know that not all people are bad,, but watching these shows and getting to know the characters before the crime and their lifestyle and demeanor after and what they were doing behind closed doors ya gotta say: DAMN REALLY???????

Bad guys don't typically look "BAD". They smile and keep themselves up and have friends and dead girlfriends and dead wives and, and, and they all seem to sing karaoke...Ya see,,,, I am a little off about this.

Any who,,,,, Soooooooooooo......

A guy showed up a few weeks back and wanted to mow my grass. I said: 'ya know,,, it takes commitment to let a yard look like this (and raised my hands to better accentuate the beauty of nature as a bird that would be DEAD if I HAD mowed my grass landed on my finger and sang a sweet little "I am so glad your yard looks like crap so I can live" birdie song). Some people would just mow it all down,, but I say: NAY,, (I used the right "NAY" this time,,,, yay me!!) ...Let nature bloom, if I don't lose my toddler in the grass drifts,,, maybe I can wait a week (that's what poor people call stalling... And..furthermore.. I WOULD mow it myself,, Mr.Person who is saying "get off you ass and mow it yourself",, but,, I have had a lot of medical issues AND have had 3 mowers stolen and refuse to buy another one...fbbbbthhhwwwwwt... That was a raspberry in case you didn't pick up on it...).

So anyway,, this guy comes around and seems super nice. Calls me "his pretty" which did kind of make me go: "huh",, but it seemed to be just the way he talked and I assumed that he LOVES "The Wizard of Oz" movie so much,,, that he stole a line from the Wicked Witch of the East (no flying monkeys have been located as of yet)..

He was really cheap and I was going to have to be somewhere,, so I paid him ahead of time (and then kicked myself in the ass 'cause I thought I'd never see him again) But,, he came back even being paid before hand (when he could have skipped town with my money and caught the rage of a fierce 4'11" Seductress super-hero-ish girl with great sparkly eye lids, bad comedic timing and too much mascara in her purse,,, no one wants THAT wrath!!!).

He's mowed it two other times now. But the last time he did,, he started rooting around a little about me. Saying things like: I don't like taking your money,, 'cause I KNOW you are doing this on your own,,,, and,,,, It must be hard being alone with the kids like that..Which I just did not give a response to at all...But now it's made me back up a little...

Then,,, he offered to clear off dirt that the puppy had dug up on the walkways and fill the puppy holes, I declined saying I didn't have the money,, but he said he would do it for free and went to touch my arm....UH...UM.... I went in the house kinda skeeved...

He mowed the lawn and then left.

When I walked outside, I saw that he did not shovel the dirt,, but he DID leave his very heavy, very crime-able shovel by MY bedroom window. So now I am having nightmares of him coming back to get his shovel..... and me........Of course I moved the shovel to the front..

So what do you think folks???

Am I being paranoid or is this a little concerning????

Eeeeep......holds me.......I scared a lil'.........

America's Most Wanted:

Inmate# CUCME
Prettygirl,Jewel
Held for the public use of a "Hairball Sympathy" ploy

Inmate # OU812
Malone,Bugsy

Big NY Steak Cartel Boss

Inmate # ME1kutee
Diva, Sweet
Destruction of Red Christian Louboutin's


And they looked sooo innocent!!!

{{{{{{{shiver}}}}}}}}

Seriously!!!! This is a PSA!!! Warning!!!

I don't care what you say....Bears ARE NOT cute and cuddly.. They WILL eat you like corn. I am just saying,,,,,,

They try to look all cute like this:



"I'd like to buy you a strawberry milkshake,,,, and
crochet you a cozy cover for your extra toilet paper rolls"


...and this one is all like:



I wanna dedicate this next song to the Seductress!!
"Lean on Meeeeee,,, when you're not stroooong,,,"



This guy came to my Birthday party:



"I paid for the stripper!!"


Uh,,, Whateva' !!! He lies a lot, there was no stripper,, you believe me right??



This was the stripper:



"I Got a Rumbly, but it's NOT in my Tumbly!!"



Oh yes, Now I remember,, big Honey fetish..

(embarrassed cough)



This guy had too much Jaeger and gakked on my rug:



"Will I ever F'n live THAT down?? Dammit!!"


Seriously Dude,, that was a lot of Gak!! So ,,, No!!



We gave this one WAAAAAY too much responsibility too soon:



"Got any chips man?? I Gots tha mad munchies!!"



Funny Smokey,, show the nice people what you did next,, people munchies??!!


Observe his confession:



"No evidence!! I walk every time!!"



That's Nice there Smokey!! I'm just saying I think you guys are getting really comfortable around humans...



Take this guy for example:



"Would the real Slim Shady,, Please Stand up!!"

Even his choice of music is,, well,, disturbing!!....


So this is just a warning before you get sucked in to a relationship...


...and get all romantic with a bear like this guy:




"nom, nom, nom"


Poor bear,, that's just WRONG.... Let me try again..



Before you fall for the fun antics of sweet bears like these:



"Oh Smokey,, Oh Smokey!!!"


Wait...Is she..OMG... is he getting a .....really??!!

(embarrassed cough)

I'll try once more...

Before you fall for the sweet bear charm, like this:



"Dayummm"

(embarrassed cough)

Or:



" Hey!!! 'Sup?? Steaks are on the grill,, Beer is,, Iceeee!!"

Just know that this is what they are thinking about:



"30 minutes or it's free!!!! Aha ha It's ALWAYS Free"

Do you EAT the pizza delivery guy?? Is that what you are eluding to??

Just heed my warning....


This is what YOU look like to a bear:



Or at least that's what you looked like with a 70's porn stache... Oh,,, you still have it??

(embarrassed cough)

Please enjoy this video of a bear going through extensive karate training to prepare for your arrival in the woods:



Laugh now,, Little Nibblet-O-Mine.......

Awwww,,, I agree with THIS bear!!





YOU IS FINE!!!!!

Animal Punk'd

So,,, it is raining here. Stormy and ugly. What's a Seductress with no Green Olives to do but watch a Punk'd Marathon on the TV guide channel??? Oh YES,,,, you could say: why don't you....clean.... do laundry....count dust bunnies under the couch.....cook a nutritious meal.....put clothes on (because I am still in my jammies).....hmmmmm...I say.....NEIGH to all of those suggestions,,,or is it NAY?? 'Cause I am not a horse,,,,whatever...N'YET!!!

I will instead draw a cartoon for my bloggie family!! Who will LAUGH and LAUGH because it is so funny (or they will fake laughing because,,, I will KNOW if you don't laugh,, and the penalties are great!!)

So where was I?? Oh yes,, They will LAUGH and LAUGH and call their family in to.. LAUGH and LAUGH and then send me a comment that says: I heart you Seductress,, even though you are a lazy sumbitch today,,,, I heart you and think you look sexy in your Little Kitty jammies....and then I'll say: Huh...How'd you know I was wearing Little Kittie Jammies and get all paranoid,, but still be a little blushy 'cause you think I look sexy,, so I'll go make sure I have lip gloss on because I am touched that you decided to stalk me and I want to look my best through the window glare.....And now I'll cook you dinner because I am really starved for adult conversation (even if it is from a weird stalker person like you)..What would you like? Pizza????......WHAT?? I know I said I'd COOK you dinner,,, but really,,, did you want to perish or at the least gak today?? Didn't think so,,,

So I'll order dinner and we'll LAUGH and LAUGH and then you'll go outside and stalk me some more because I am sooooo pretty (cough,,,, just agree dammit....).

And then on Monday,,,, I will post a blog about our first "date"and our plans for the future....And my whole bloggie family will.....

......LAUGH and LAUGH

...... And say AWWWWWW,,, Seductress!!!!

I am soooo happy for you....PRE-NUP!!! PRE-NUP!!!
('cause they know I am independently wealthy and you are kinda a scoundrel)!!!

And we'll be sooooo happy together........And I start to sing the song:

Imagine you and me, and me and you....

So HAPPY TOGE--THERRRRR,,

..because I tend to break out in show tunes a lot.. ( I really should get it checked by a medical professional,, but it does seem appropriate in this instance, so I'll wait)

....So HAPPY TOGE--THERRRRR......

And I'll be all : Swoooooooon......Swooooooon.......sigh.........

And you'll be all : Swooooooon.....Swoooooon.......drooooooool....

(We'll work on getting you into a jail closer to here later,, you little criminal you!!)


So here is the stupid cartoon,, remember:


LAUGH and LAUGH!!!!!

......Or this whole thing is ruined for me!!!

























And then there is much clapping and laughter:



....Seductress....bowing.....



....and now you are throwing flowers at me...Oh stop..do stop....

Really????? Tomatoes????? I am shocked at you!!!!

Revelations

I have had a tough go at it in the last year or so. I think we all have. We should all be proud to be "still standing" with our boxing gloves on. For me it seems there is much more to conquer ahead. I challenge every hurdle and embellish every negativity with humor.

You have strengthened me, writing for you has opened me up. I close my eyes and hope that I touch people that need a break from reality, with great big belly laughs. And hopefully,, my serious posts cradle thoughts of positivity in at least one person.

This is a serious post. It was written some time back at the onslaught of trouble. I could not have imagined what would take place in my future as I was writing it. I only knew I would have to survive whatever knocked me down, I had no choice.

I have survived. I am still fighting to believe that I will survive these next rounds. These "motivational" type posts are here for everybody, but for me as well because I need to read them and believe.

This one is very relevant to me right now. I will return the humor tomorrow.. urp...

I cherish you all,, but most importantly......Cherish yourselves.....

******************

Revelations

I am not sure how long I have been falling into darkness. Swirling around in my own negativity, bitterly blaming the world for my descent. Abruptly I hit bottom. It is bitter cold and the air thick with the evils of a mind with no hope. I lay curled up in myself with no evidence of the person I had once been. I was the shell of a once happy woman with dreams and aspirations of grandeur. Slowly I let my demons overtake me and carry my joy away, leaving me here alone in the shadows. I rock back and forth for the strange comfort of repetition. There is no distinction in time here.

Every moment has the same repulsive bite of misery.

One day the glimmer of a positive thought nursed in my mind. As it was trying desperately to take full flame, I finally allowed a spark. There was a rustling above. A small hint of light appeared and a hand lowered in a gesture of help. It was feeble, shaking and weak and yet the only speck of strength and safety available. I pondered staying, surely it would not be able to lift my load. It was certain that I would reach out only to be dropped back again. That thought was petrifying but a menacing wind was picking up.

It was only one level above me but perhaps it would be warmer. I reached out cautiously and slowly I was raised to the next step. The figure dissipated into the dark never to be revealed.

The hours here were a bit easier. It was indeed slightly warmer but my thoughts still generated a strong force of doubt and lost hope. Time went by with the same results, nothing had changed. Or maybe it had, maybe I needed to search for the hand up again. Surely it would come and offer me a chance at salvation. I looked up from that point on, hopeful. Just as I had wished, help was offered again.

This time the hand looked just a bit stronger, still trembling and weak but somehow more powerful. I took hold for my ascent one level higher. Once again without word or acknowledgment the savior fell into shadows.

I didn't stay on that level for long. I knew the secret and was slowly making a way back to myself. Light flowed brighter, the air warm and clearer with each climb. My helping hand had strengthened immensely and was always there with a inviting embrace each time I trusted in a positive mindset.

I was at the last level.

This time from above I saw two hands. One hand was a cherished friend, still a bit weathered, the other, strong and youthful. I shivered as I looked down to where I had come. The darkness overtook me and I could not believe I had survived such an ordeal. Could I risk the fall with the weaker hand or trust in the strength of a strange offering?

I grappled with the consequences and had made my decision. I would take the stronger more youthful hand to assure my safety. I reached out for it and grabbed on to a crumbling facade.

As I fell back, I saw the trusted hand lean in further over the edge. There revealed was my own image, sobbing profusely with a questioned look. In a moan her words were voiced:

"Why did you doubt me again? My strength was there all along!"

******************

Please enjoy a picture of the hand I will be getting help from tonight:

By the order of the hamburger....

Dedicated to Dude...RIP

When I woke up today,,,

I saw a horrific sight....

There...

in the middle of my...

"It's a wonderful morning,,, let us all stretch,,,
and sing Disney love songs" kitchen pathway,,,

was a HUGE

................ Palmetto Bug!!

I call them Palmetto bugs because for some strange reason it sounds better to me than calling them what they really are,,,, F'n roaches... But in my defense,, I lived IN the Palmetto State of South Carolina long enough to still have the right to call a roach a Palmetto Bug,,, and I will use this little known privilege for as long as I would like....FFFFffffffbbbthhhhst... (that was a raspberry,,, blown at you in a childish display).

This PB was huge. He was laying on his back and making a last ditch effort at survival. At this point only one of his little buggy legs was kicking. This one little buggy leg would hit the linoleum and make him go in circles,,, over and over and over,,, in sloooow,,, sad little "Please Ma'am,,, may I live??" buggy circles.

I looked down on him and for a moment the "OMG,,, it's gross, it's GROSS" attitude disappeared,,, and the womanly compassion nerves in my brain started electrically firing,,, making me a little sad for him.

This is what my fresh womanly compassionate mis-fired brain nerves visualized:

Awwww,,, HI!!!!!
(waving emphatically)

That's when I took a reverent knee (from a safe 15 feet away) and said:

Dude,,, (that's what I named him),,, I feel ya!! I mean,, I don't "F-E-E-L -- Y-O-U" in a physical sense because if I did,,, I would have to spend the next 8 hours with 2 jugs of Clorox bleach,,, 6 steel wool scrubby pads and a hatred of my own flesh.... But I "GET YA" in a more verbal, "I'm pickin' up what you're laying down", empathetic way.

You see "D" (if I may call you that),,, I too feel like I am going in circles sometimes. Working so hard for years and only coming around to find out I am right back where I began.

It is disheartening to say the least!

(at this point I start to pace around in a General Custer,, "patriotic military movie monologue" sort of way,, for added drama)

This world is a cruel,,, cruel place Dude,,, and your display of might and will to live is very touching. You know,,, if you weren't all repulsive and buggish in nature I would help you up and serve us both bottomless shots of Grey Goose... Actually,,, I would probably drink mine through an unusually fat straw,,, in a 7-11 Big Gulp cup,,, because after all,,, I am having shots with a dieing Palmetto Bug,,, and some people would consider that strange... Since I don't have any microscopic shot glasses for you to drink from,,, I would probably just continue to put drops of Grey Goose on the floor and you could suck the vodka up with your gross little antennae drinking tongue thingy, or is that just on a butterflies?? Whatever Dude, you get the point, right??


We could talk for hours about how your ancestors survived multiple catastrophic disasters both man made and natural and how cool that is for you.

REALLY,,,,your Momanem' were there??
Cooooooool!!!!

You could tell me stories about how you can make grown men and women scream like toddlers and run in horror to the safety of another room.

It's OK Puddin' Pie!!

You could even whip out your little buggy wallet,,, toss out your accordion flip photo holder thingy,,, and show me pics of your 1,050 kids. You could tell me each of their names and I could say to them as I catch them meandering around my house things like: You know BugHilda,,, I did Grey Goose shots with your dad on the last day of his life,,, he loved you very much!!!

Mmmmm

No,,, I can't promise I won't kill your children Dude, but I CAN say that instead of saying: Come here you "little shit" and chasing them down with a high heeled shoe and a can of Raid while screaming loudly... Instead of that,,, I would scream loudly while calling them BY their surnames and respectfully asking: How may I execute you today, Dude the XCVIth?? That's a bit better, dontchya think Dude???

Then,,, the guilty mis-firing womanly compassion nerves in my brain will snap to their damn senses and I would pause for a moment before saying:

Dude,,, I am so sorry to say this,,,,, BUT,,,, you really ARE repulsive and buggish in an OMG,,, it's gross,,, it's GROSS kinda way,,, and as much as I admire your will to live,,, I must end your life by means of drowning in my loo,,, BUT,,, there is a pretty cool water slide type ride for the first few minutes and,,, by now you should be pretty drunk,,, so,,, well,,, uh,,, Good bye Dude...

.......AND.......

(this is where I salute him and tap my heels together,,, formally)

.......Thanks for your motivational display on survival,, I will honor your memory by sharing it with my blog family.. (if it is even possible to remember it after the copious amounts of vodka I have consumed with you,,, of course,,,, urp,,, I don't feel so well,,,, can someone OTHER than the bug hold my hair back????)...

Note: I know this post could give most people the heebie jeebies all day,,, so,, as a mental palate cleanser I will offer you a cute picture of bunnies..

Please enjoy this picture of sweet "bunny love" :

No,,,, wait,,, this picture reminds me of failed love... I wouldn't want you to think about MY stupid failed love all day either...

Please enjoy this animated picture of pizza:


There,, you CAN'T go wrong with animated pizza!!!!!

You're Welcome!!!

My Personal Trainer

I love waking up, turning on my computer, coming to Blogger and hitting "New Post".

The little cursor on the screen is like my little "Personal Writing Trainer".

He slaps me on the back of my head and screams:

"Do it!! Write now,, you crazy woman of fine looks, stellar personality and questionable sanity level!! I would love to have "little cursor babies" with you and I fantasize about making mad passionate blinking cursor love to you!! (oh my)...We would lay underneath the twinkling stars,, on a red blanket with a picture of the Tasmanian Devil doing a little jig in the center.

Next to the blanket would be a basket of seedless, green grapes,, 2 bags of cheeze curls and 3 bottles of chilled Strawberry wine,, oh,, and also a cursor sized condom that I poked a hole in because I really want little cursor babies with you Seductress!! (gasp) What Seductress?? Yes,, that IS VERY important!! No,,, not to worry Seductress,, they are NOT off brand cheeze curls my dear,, but the Cheeto brand cheeze curls (oh goody),, because they rock the Kasbah!! After we eat them I will touch you and you will have orange hand-cursor prints all over your body!! (you naughty cursor you,, giggle giggle,, wink!!)

We will laugh and laugh,, until the owner of this back yard where I set up this great romantic scene in,, hears us laughing and calls the cops,, she is a little taken a back at the sight of such a handsome cursor loving a human woman,, but cursor prejudice is still very real,, so I understand (she does not see you like I do cursor).

When the cops arrive they become entranced with you as well (who wouldn't be?? *blush*).. The police men decide to sit on the Tasmanian Devil blanket with us. While one cop eats cheeze curls and does impressions of Woody the Woodpecker (Oooooh,,, sexay),, the other peels you grapes. I fan you,, as erotically as a cursor can,, while singing any song you request,, because you are just that freaking FANTABULOUS!!!!" (Oh cursor, you do flatter me so!!)

"NOW WRITE BITCH,, WRITE!!!!!"

And I say to my little "Personal Writing Trainer" cursor: "Sing: "We are the world" in B flat,, little cursor lover of mine"!! And he does,, so I write a phenomenal post and click "Publish Post". My words of no value (but strung together humorously enough) float out into cyberspace where little particles of technology string them back together until they all form logical sentences of illogical theories and take their place on your computer screen. You then read my post and think that although I AM slightly off kilter,, I may not be a danger to society just yet and perhaps you do not need to call the authorities because you really do want to read about what happens to me today!! You know that almost everyday something really exciting (but not sex) happens to me as I am Karma's little red-headed play toy and it bats at me like a skinny cat on steroids. Emotional things like the dropping of Green Olive jars and watching their little Green Olive bodies be a sacrifice to the W to the Mart concrete floor -or- the car dancing competitions that I always win (in my mind) because that's how I roll -or-receiving "pipe pics" from men for no apparent reason (sigh).. Sometimes it is just a rambling of non-essential verbiage telling you of really trivial things that amuse me, similar to this post that you just got sucked into.. You now sit wishing that you can have the ten minutes back that you spent reading this post because,,, really,, I said NOTHING SANE or of any value to the good of human kind (except the cursor condom thing,, you should really always have safe cursor sex)...

So to redeem myself and this post I would like to share with you something of social relevance that will change the way you look at life forever and make you a better person in the end.

Maybelline has the best mascara.. and this is it...



No wait,, that only helps the women, the men need something too... Hmmm lets see....

Buy the women in your life Maybelline Mascara,, that looks like this:



I gotta tell ya,,, it feels damn good helping America with such a vital message!!!

Damn good!! I am feeling a Nobel Peace nomination here!!!!

The Letter

**I was working at a bank and had made friends with an elderly gentleman. He was harsh and rigid but I could always make him smile. He had a pocket full of starlight mints for me with each visit. He stopped coming in so I called to check on him many times, to no avail.

One day his son came in and happened to get me as his representative. I found out about his fathers passing and cried at my desk. His son looked startled and had said that his father never was a caring man and wondered what I had done to bond with him. I stated nothing, I had only listened and smiled, he grew softer with each visit.

We had documents to file and close the case, so I gathered them together. With a smile and a tear in his eye the son asked me if I could please make a copy of a letter he found by his fathers bed, he also stated that I should read it.

It was an apology letter to the sons for the love that he neglected to share with his family. He never got the chance to voice it, but they now had a peace and closure, insight into a stranger they called Dad.

I wrote this story as a tribute to that friend I lost. None of these characters are real. Just a gentleman I think about and the letter I pray could have been received by his family just a bit earlier.**

The Letter

I sit facing the wall at a desk. No window view, I have no cares about the outside world. Experience and mistakes have taken away my hope. I hold a simple glass of Brandy, two cubes to clatter when I swirl it in my weakened hands. To my left, a square glass ashtray piled too high with death and obsession, red ashes mingling seamlessly. Would it be too much effort to empty this mess, or is it a reminder of the lack of care I have for myself? This aged typewriter has been my only friend. I write to remind myself that my brain is still active and possibly worthwhile to someone who finds these journals. The ink is failing and if it weren't for the deeply impressed letters you would not be able to read these words at all.

The house is dark now, it has a musty smell and no life because I let it go. I thought being a good husband and father was simply providing. My house was kept up and there was plenty to eat. The boys never played in here and I always had my back to them. I heard them giggling and having fun, I assumed that would keep them loving me, even though I did not partake. I never raised hand or voice. I never reached for hugs or tickles. I don't know now what I was scared of. I pray my leading failed to take shape in their parenting and roles as husbands.

My wife was the most beautiful creature in the world, but I never told her. I never danced with her or brought her even the simplest of flowers for her auburn hair. I remember how her eyes would dance in the light. She tried so hard to bring me in but I just sat at my desk working.

As I swig another glass of Brandy, I wonder, who would know if I should perish? My sons have rightfully declined to offer companionship and I have never extended the invitation, as a father should have done. It pains me to say I need them now as my health is failing.

One day I heard a rustling at the door. A large mess of a dog was snooping around the porch. I quickly dismissed him, yelling at him to flee my domicile. He came back each day and day after day, I kicked at him while screaming profanities at his disturbance of my life.

It was a crisp fall day when his thick rusty coat, matted and littered with dry leaves and branches caught my eye. I thought of how uncomfortable that might be. I felt my heart open strangely but pleasantly. He looked at me with knowing eyes and I took hours talking cruelly to him while I brushed and washed him. He might as well stay on the porch, stupid dog; I wouldn't want to make a habit of grooming the mutt. I swept the porch and lay down a ratty quilt for him. He wagged openly as he came to take his post by my side.

While at the store I passed the pet aisle, I turned back to peruse it. I bought him food and a thick black leather collar, shaking my head at the register at my own ignorance. What would I do with a dog of all things? Still, he captivated me.

It was a very cold night when I decided to let him in. He was the biggest yet most unassuming beast I have ever encountered. He sleeps by my bed and wags when I get up to relieve myself. I have started talking gentler to him now.

As I type, he lounges and naps without a care next to my chair. He only awakes when I hit the letter "M" which sticks and makes a strange grinding noise. His startled expression always brings a smile to my face. No matter how I try, I can't hit "M" without waking this stupid dog.

I have fallen in love with the nuisance I named Red. He sneezes and does a funny dance when I smoke, so I have even tried to stop. It feels good taking care of him and having him look after me. What have I missed all these years? I have been defined as bitter and unloving, but I have found that I do have love to offer, and I crave it now. Red has shown me this.

I sit tirelessly night after night, day after day at this typewriter trying to find the right words for my children. How do you apologize for the years of neglect? I wrote of Red and how he had changed me. I wrote of my health and questioned who would tend to Red. I shared my heartfelt apologies and tried to explain that I did what I thought a father was supposed to do. I told them I know now I was wrong and will forever in my heart love them, even if they can't find the peace with me I pray for. Red and I mailed the letters. I quickly tried to forget about them.

Months later there was another rustling at the door. I peek out, I hope it's not another charity animal case, I said, teasing Red. Opening the door there was a small group of people. My sons and their families were standing there, arms open wide. Red jumped and twisted around the kids. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. The sight of Red with sticks and leaves in his thick fur would now take second place. He had saved me, he had brought me back my family.


**For the next year my father lived happily with Red and we visited him often. He was so soft with the kids and had become a wonderful person to know. We are proud that he was our father and thankful Red had brought him back to us. They both perished within days of each other.

I have found the stacks and drawers of journals my father had painstakingly written. His legacy will go on in words, barely readable, but strong and potent with knowledge. I fixed the letter "M" on the typewriter and now think of he and Red lovingly as I compile my father's tales to be published.**

The Big life change....

This post is from the "NEW" and "IMPROVED" me...

Today...

Monday..

Because everyone knows you can't start a "Big life change" until Monday.... On Saturday,,, you might have thought about starting,,, but NO......You hesitated,, you decided that you wanted to squeeze the last bit of "Pre-big life change" frivolity,, out of Saturday..

And then it was Sunday.....Well,,,, you ALMOST went through with it today,,,, but wait,,,,,, you should make this your last big "HORAH" before your whole "Big life change" starts (Is that even how you spell "HORAH"? I don't know,,, but Sunday is the last day of said "HORAH" .....fer sure,, so,,,,, you must celebrate and overindulge before the "Big life change" actually begins)....

Monday is here now...... So I warn myself of the one flaw with the whole starting a "Big life change" on Monday thang.

I say: Seductress,,, if you mess up on Monday,,,, you are going to have to wait until NEXT Monday to start again.... And you will have lost another week of your "Big life change" results....... So don't do it... Stand strong...

You are starting MONDAY!!! ....Which is today...

.....'Cause today is MONDAY..

....."Big life change" official starting date....

.....And that's the day you SHOULD start.. MONDAY (of course)

Unless,,,,,,,, it is really,, really close to New Years day.. Because then you should just wait until New Years day to start,,, 'cause everyone knows,, New Years Day is the BEST day to start a "Big life change" .... But,,, sadly,,, it's NOT close to New Years... Maybe if it were July,, maybe then you could justify waiting,, because HALF the year is gone already and well,, I could make the REST of THIS year my great big "HorAH" celebration before my "Big life change" officially starts on New Years day,, unless of course New Years day falls on another day of the week BESIDES Monday,,, because if it doesn't fall on a Monday,, I should just wait until the first Monday of the New Year (see above reasoning on Monday "Big life change" start dates)...

Now,, about this last "Horah",, "HORAH",, maybe I should spell it "HorAAAHHHHH",,, 'cause I really want a focus on the "AH" sound at the end..

Last big... "HorAAAAH" ...Yes,,,, I think that works.... Did that work?

Did you say it right? Please say it right..... "Hor-AH"..

Oh,, I hear it,, YES,, you said it right,,, now where was I??

Oh yes ....MONDAY..... And my whole "Big life change".

Well,, I actually started writing this post on SUNDAY,,,, smack dab in the middle of my last big "HorAH" celebration,, you know,,, the "HorAH" celebration,, BEFORE the sacrifices of my "Big life change" actually happens on Monday (are you even paying attention?).

But I was damn fired up about this "Big life change" even though it was Sunday! I wanted a way to show Karma that I mean business with THIS "Big life change".

I deduce:

I need an act of fierceness..

A fierce display that says:

Hey Karma!!!! You just watch my ass do this "Big life change" thang this time!!

So....

I find a package of leftover Easter PEEPS... Yellow,,, 'cause really,, if you are goin' to be fierce with PEEPS,, you need to be fierce with YELLOW PEEPS,, not BLUE PEEPS,, because it's just not the same level of fierceness with the blue ones.

I had a pack of 5 YELLOW PEEPS. I bit their cute little YELLOW PEEP heads off.

Oh yes,,, Karma took notice of my level of seriousness in this "Big life change" and also quaked a little at the sight of my fierce display of PEEP brutality!!!

I spit a little chocolate PEEP eye,, right in Karma's face!!

And thought: I wonder why the makers of PEEPS don't work on a better plan for the eyes??

And then I looked all over the PEEP package for contact info so that I could share my thoughts directly with PEEP management. I mean,,, they need to know that people would probably buy more PEEPS if the eye was more than a smudge of sub par "chocolate" (if it can even call itself "chocolate"). Maybe a pink candy eye with a little blue dot, like the good chocolate easter Bunnies have.

I don't know,, it's just a thought. But I digress..Where was I??

Oh yes,,,

I am still talking about my "Big life change" starting fierceness ritual....

When I cleaned up my fierce PEEP Karma brutality mess,,, I ate that little chocolate eye that I had previously spit in Karma's face ,,,, and then I thought again about the PEEP eye debacle:

..perhaps a whole mini-chocolate chip would be the answer to the PEEP eye problem... And again I made a note in my folder now entitled "PEEP Management Idea's" and subtitled "Errors in PEEP Design",,,, Because I'm nothing if not helpful and thorough.

But still.... Karma knew I meant business,, 'cause while I was eating the decapitated PEEP heads,,, I chewed with my mouth open,, people who are being fierce ALWAYS chew with their mouths open,, Karma knows that,, did you?? Now you do!!! (you're welcome)....

So now... what should I change in my life to qualify it as a "Big life change"??

There has got to be SOMETHING I can change! I fail to see any problems with myself..

But,,,, I am all fired up for this "Big life change" and I need to decide what I am going to change.

Dammit..

Now I feel less fierce..

Dammit..

I now pop the BODY of a decapitated YELLOW PEEP in my mouth and chew with my mouth open once more to restore my fierceness..

Only to realize:

I am less in the mood for a "Big life change"..

..AND..

More in the mood for the great:

"LAST CHANCE before the "Big life change" thang "HorAH" celebration!!

That's it!!!

I got it!!!

I will make EVERYDAY:

A last day before my "Big life change" thang.... "HorAH" celebration!!!

I will have a "HorAH" celebration everyday!!!

Certainly THAT qualifies as a "Big life change" thang!!!

!!! BRILLIANT I AM !!!

... I Scream ...

Then,,, realizing that I sounded suspiciously close to another wise creature...

I give a "shout out" to him..

What up Yoda??!!

You so crazzzy Yoda!!!

Excuse me, you will now,,, I have exciting official:

"EVERYDAY,,, is the LAST day before my "Big life change" thang "HorAH" festivities to get on with......

I am sure I will be successful with my "Big life change" this time because of how serious I have taken it!!!