Well, I celebrated my 4Th decade of being "The Translucent Persuader" here on this wonderful planet we call Earth. I had hoped that I had learned some very important lessons in my many years and could offer you a sage cornucopia of "limited edition" follower only information. It would be a virtual "plethora platter" of wisdom nuggets and chunks of meaty direction, but, meh , what freaking fun would THAT be? *shrugs*
Instead, I offer you the following thoughts you will NEVER need:
1. There is an alternate universe filled with our missing socks and one legged doppelgangers.
2. At this point, I believe that I will never have my face inscribed on a box of Wheaties.
3. I believe that children are our future,,, and that we are doomed.
4. From now on, everywhere I go, I am going to start pointing up to the ceiling as if I have a packed to the rafters audience. I will thank them and bow, as I am sure my performance was stellar.
5. Firemen and EMT's are always hot, but they don't like hearing that after you throw up on them.
6. The definition of the word "Nog" is: A block of wood inserted into masonry or brickwork so that something can be nailed to it. What rocket scientist was in charge of naming our festive holiday drinks THAT year???
7. Milli Vanili was framed.
8. Remember leg-warmers? I miss those.
9. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Scientists have also noticed this commonality with all creatures that carry the "Y" chromosome.
10. When I was a kid I thought the following statement was hilarious: I thought it was a booger, but its snot... Yep, still do.
11. Someone once told me that a study showed that married men change their underwear twice as often as single men do. Does your wife scare the crap out of you?
12. Horton the Elephant should be our next president, he meant what he said and he said what he meant... And that elephant is faithful 100 percent!!
13. Seriously cat owners, can't you just admit that they rule your life and are plotting the demise of the human race? You know you're just trying to get an in with them now before it is too late.
14. All porcupines float. Did you know that?
15. I am developing a serious hoarding problem. I hoard attractive men. It's easier to get out of legal problems with a mental illness: Your Honor, my client DID not kidnap these 150 attractive men, she has been diagnosed as a hoarder, but, she HAS agreed to sign over some of the men to the State so that they are more manageable and shed less, thus also solving her plumbing problem.
16. Beer, it's not just for dinner anymore, there are many refreshing blends of hops and spices that make it perfect for all day long consumption!
17. You won't hear: "Hey, I want to be a crazy cat-lady when I grow up" very often. But you'll NEVER hear: "Man, I want to bang that crazy cat lady!!!!!.....EVER....
18. If you ever decide to live today like it was the last day of your life, tomorrow would be hell after all the crazy-ass shit you pulled today!
19. If a Zhu-Zhu pet gets stuck in your hair, your only option is to bludgeon it.
20. How many times do you text "LOL" without really laughing out loud? Doesn't this make you feel the least bit guilty? I've never seen anyone actually drop and roll on the floor with laughter while texting either, what are we teaching our children? And don't tell me,,,, you do still have your ass don't you??!! Liar.
21. Why is it automatically assumed that I am a burglar when I wear pantyhose over my face?
22. This morning my middle child was very upset at General Mills. Apparently the new box of Lucky Charms I bought yesterday had a serious defect, it had no magically delicious marshmallows. The oldest calmly explained this manufacturing error to her younger sister right as she was pouring the first bowl from the "new" box. I deduce the middle child is really not that bright and call the school board to arrange a short bus pick up.
23. I think everyone should get a hamster and name it "Peeve". Because then we would all have something in common, our own little pet peeves!!
24. I am sorry but, you are not automatically deemed gangsta' by wearing a hoodie.
25. I have never had a "happy period"! Even if I had one at the Happiest Place on Earth, it would STILL suck! Who the hell wrote that slogan?
26. Spam is an underutilized source of protein.
27. "Pipe pics" are never REALLY appreciated in the way you fantasize them to be.
28. While out of town, you text or call your woman and ask her in your sexiest voice what she is wearing and she purrs and whispers: "My lacy black boy shorts and see through robe"! You need to understand, it is more likely that she is wearing a snuggie (now in designer shades and trend-setting patterns).
29. And now a motivational word from a Ninja:
(I knew that wasn't gonna work...Mime's, Ninja's and Cholesterol are all Silent Killers)
30. The drinking game: Rock, Paper, Scissors......VODKA SHOT.....should alone never be playded aloney.
31. Madame Toussaud finally sent me my wax double. It's fabulous! I can't wait till the next time I have drunken sex! While he is passed out, I will lay my wax double next to him, touch him inappropriately and hide. At some point, before he realizes he's been punk'd, I will start mumbling "I'm melting, I'm melt-t-t-ing!!".
32. The statement: "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!", should never be used at a field sobriety check point.
33. I think maybe this year I am on The Grinch's side, and I have also decided that I am a huge fan of Scrooge (before the mustard induced, enlightened ghost hallucinations, of course).
34. Even with mud on my nose, I don't get invited to play many reindeer games, do you?
35. In high school I had a very handsome stoner friend. One day a group of us were sitting in the bed of his truck drinking and some were smoking weed. He dropped a match on himself and caught his clothes on fire. Being stoned and drunk, we all just stared at the flame. He finally said "Dudes, I'm on fire dudes!". We all laughed and laughed before realizing we might want to put him out. Dudes, those were good times.
36. I don't really think your tractor is sexy. I just said that so you would offer to mow my grass.
37. Crayola should create a color called: Cheeto dust orange.
38. Never eat fruitcake unless a hippie-drunk made it for you.
39. If I marry a Mime can I put him in a glass box anytime I want? That would be a cool perk!
40. This concludes my 40 wanna be meaty chunks of direction and virtual plethora platter of wisdom nuggets post.
You can leave now, my work here is done.
Don't make me get my Ninja.