So that's when I was sitting on the couch and the ammo creeped up on me. I wouldn't normally pull out the fart gun as I have my laminated: "Girls don't fart, they ripple the air with their greatness" premier membership card, but this was prime ammo and the moment called for a fart interlude. Nature decided I should serve it up "machine gun style" to my innocent son. So at the right moment I asked the question I always dreaded to hear from my dad:
Well, you know what I think about that?
My dad was not only a member of the NFRA (National Fart Rifle Association), he was the owner! And "Well you know what I think about THAT?" was worse than "pull my finger" because I really did care what my dad thought about things, and always was lured into the thought that he was about to impart an important life lesson on me. I would always scooch up and position my head to listen intently to his sermon from the ass. I was often greeted with these sermons in the middle of a girly drama situation, to this day I feel if I am having a serious talk with someone, they will fart on me. But his farts cleared a room and mine smell like the scraped petals of 1,000 roses, so I think my kids have an advantage here because I deodorize as I cleanse the air from my system.
So I asked the question and got the response "What mamma?" from an eager, listening, innocent, spawn boy child.
I pointed and pulled the trigger and released my rose scented air while laughing jovially at my own redneckedness. I can tell you this: In all my efforts to write stand-up comedy routines and short funny stories, if I never get another laugh like the one my son blessed me with today, I would have heard the best of the best and I know I can retire my funny. It was one of those baby belly laughs that should be bottled and sold. He had me laughing so hard at him, laughing so hard at me, more ammo got inadvertently released into the air, which caused even more laughter.
The room smells great and me and my son bonded over a fart-gun attack today. I encourage you to bond with someone today, and don't blame the dog this time!!
Also just so you did not waste your time reading this post, I would like to offer you an alternative gift option for the person in your life who has everything.
Adopt an Alpaca!! You'll get useless monthly newsletter updates on what your Alpaca is doing and help feed less fortunate Alpaca's. You will also receive portions of the Alpaca's shearing for your own usage (because we all know what you can do with dryer and belly button lint, imagine what you could achieve with this!!)!!
So if you can't run down to Alpaca's-R-Us to purchase your own Alpaca like "Hot Fudge" (free delivery through December 24th!!), you can still send the gift of a useless monthly newsletter to someone you love. Yay YOU!!!!
...and today... Hot Fudge did the same thing Hot Fudge does EVERYDAY.. Eat and produce his own Hot Fudge topping for the grasses of our lovely alpaca farm!!
You know you want one!!