Friday, November 5, 2010

The Dumbassinator

Why do companies dealing with sales think everyone must talk in monotone and never deviate from the script? Perhaps every human should be outfitted with a teleprompter! (of course this never helps politicians!!).

But that got me to thinking of an invention.

I call it:


The Dumbassinator is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment used to gain control of rampant stupidity. It is my plan that under strict government mandate, the Dumbassinator will be implanted in the minds of the people who have no business speaking, as they portray none of the traits necessary to actually carry on even the thread of an intelligent conversation. A microscopic chip will be implanted at the base of the carrier's brain (or behind the testicles of male carriers who tend to think only with the appendage).

As the imbecile carrier begins the very short thought process of formulating a sentence, the Dumbassinator will capture the carrier's intended verbiage and send it through an analyzer to determine whether or not it is intelligent enough to be voiced. If it is determined otherwise, a projection of the proper/respectable use of the English language will be displayed on the lens of a pair of fashionable glasses. It is our intention to rehabilitate the carrier so that they can be transitioned smoothly back into daily thought provoking, relevant conversations. Should the carrier be a chronic shit talker, a permanent microscopic screen will be surgically fitted into the carrier's eye. With either approach, by reading the projection, the carrier will then vocalize intelligently and the process is a success.

If however, the carrier decides NOT to use the verbiage assigned in that moment, he will receive a moderately humane shock. The shock collar will continue to pulse and strengthen until such time as the carrier collapses, or speaks properly in the manner suggested by the Dumbassinator. At this point, the conversation continues intelligently and the process has once again been a success.

It was decided at Dumbassinator Inc. to demo the first prototype on Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. In exchange for a Ed Hardy T-shirt, he agreed to wear the device and let us monitor the results and gage the efficiency of the verbal rehabilitation device.
Notice that the style of the Dumbassinator sunglasses
can be
decided by the carrier, in this case Smarmy.

Within the first minute, Mike had offered us a "live demonstration" of our product. The Dumbassinator picked up the following sentence formulating:

"There's a bunch of Grenades up in this joint!!"

The Dumbassinator changed the sentence in the following way:

"I need to be sterilized, because I am the biggest Grenade of all!"

The implant was taken out, because it was determined that Mike could not read and therefore he was continually shocked until the chip was removed. However, after also installing the device into the other male Jersey Shore crew,
we discovered a side effect that Dumbassinator programmers had not anticipated. It seems when outfitted with our rehabilitation devices, all 4 test dummies developed a disturbing tick: fist pumping.

The female cast also had a staggering side effect after their rehabilitation experience with the Dumbassinator, they turned orange. These carriers opted not let us remove the implants as they enjoyed the side effect and determined that it was worth the shock treatments.

We are reevaluating our product and upgrading some of the options. A newly transitioned model will be introduced in the Spring 2011!! Already in place for testing are Lindsay Lohan, who signed up for free because she just needed the exposure and Paris Hilton, who kept shaking and asking for gum.

5 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

I'll take two please. Thank you! (Can they be installed on Blogger because GinaD's really needs some help right now.) - G

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh what a wonderfully quiet world it would be. You have my vote. I'll be cheering you on, while you you take over the world with this thing. xoRobyn

Anonymous said...

can i watch you....

mac said...

I think dumbasses should be encouraged. It makes me look better ;-)

Slyde said...

i think every phone in my office should be equipped with a Dumbassinator.

except mine, of course.

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