"Oh, I'm so glad you asked!" I say with a giggle as I "play" your "washboard" abs and offer a slight wince at the memory of my last week or so.
And then..... I decide I don't want to share with YOU after all because you are just going to run home to ANOTHER Internationally known Supermodel who is half the woman I am (literally) but not nearly as stunningly beautiful as I am (cough) and pretend you were golfing all night (hmpf).
I have better things to do with my imaginary where-abouts conversation..
Now let's start again shall we?
Next imaginary follower interviewee please.
(the next follower sits down and adjusts himself)
"Seductress, I have missed you soooooooooooooooooooo much and my blogality (blog/reality...winks) has not been the same without you, tell me where you have been, I pray, as it has agreed with you in that you look radiant tonight in your lace corset and exoticly wild purrrrr-y cat-like eyes."
"Oh my, do go on about my exoticly wild purrrrr-y cat-like eyes!!" I say whilst "vogueing".
Wait. Do you people REALLY want to know what happened?
Pull up a ergonomically designed and aesthetically beautiful aluminum folding chair.. What? There are a lot of you!!
I am depressed.
It's been a bad medical week for me. Which turned into a bad "I hate making decisions like these" week, which turned into a bad "situation" week and is ending with a bad "Maybe I made the wrong decision" thought and a bad "will I ever be well" thought process and a bad "I want to get drunk and stupid" longing (which I didn't really do, thank you) which is leading to a bad "eat a whole cheesecake" episode (which sadly is haunting me and may still come into play).
The general theme was....... play along with the home game....... BAD!!!
I won't bore you with ALL of my awful realities this week, but here's a start...
A few months ago my doctor put me on medication to strengthen my organs (not orgasms sadly).. HUH? Who said that?
Well, I need another surgery and you kind of need strong organs to get through it.. So this medicine is pretty much like those pill sized capsules you can buy at the register of any respectable rinky-dink souvenir shop that you put in water and.. ba-WAAAM-O.. they turn into a comforter size beach towel ... You take it,, you expand like Violet in Willy Wonka....
"Seductress, you're turning,, uh,, even more,, seducing!!"
For me, not so happy with the whole idea at play here. But I need this surgery and I go into him last week and say sweetly: "Please Sir, let me have the surgery so I can live again!".
.. Only I am clinging onto his lab coat and standing on his stomach as he is vertical on the blandly colored industrial tile floor pleading for the practice's "big nurse" to help him and dodging the stray white foam that is flinging from my now growling mouth.
He says... Lets do it.. In a month.. But now I want you to lose the extra weight first..
BACK THE TRUCK UP!!
BACK THE TRUCK UP!!
........... Dude YOU CAUSED this extra flippin' weight!!! I begged you NOT to do this to me... remember... tears... sweat... sobbing... You're too weak you NEED the steroids... your blood pressure... blah blah blah... remember???
This could ONLY happen to me...
I have to lose almost 30 pounds in a month... and then... they will slice and dice me back to health...
So when I got home I drank Strawberry Zinfadel in a 7-11ish big gulp resembling cup and watched a TLC channel "wedding"-- "romance"-- "remind yourself- your single, old and alone" marathon and tried not to drunk text (although I did not really get drunk, I say this for effect, I only had a glass or 3).
And I have to go in Monday for yet another ERCP procedure. YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!
There is more but I am here to say that I am sorry I have missed all of your posts and will catch up as soon as I emotionally and physically can..
Today I am sick, snuggling a heating pad and watching "Kendra" on VH1 try to set up her mother on a blind date. Sounded cute and all until I realized this grown ass woman was setting up her MOTHER with guys in my general dating age bracket.....facepalm.....
.....and the 7-11ish big gulp resembling cup comes back out..... But it is filled with water...
Is this my beautiful life? Well,, How did I get here?