I woke up to the sound of petulant thumping on my door. It was my elderly Home Owners Association Minion coming to lay down the law with me.
A week or so ago we had a storm that knocked all my dead palm fronds to high hell. I had drug them one by one to pile neatly beside my garage. These things are huge and heavy abominations to my sunny Florida skyline. When properly trimmed they are gorgeous, if not, we are risking life and limb walking out my front door. It is expensive to trim them because they are 10,000 feet tall! But the frond pile had only been there less than a week.
Him: **pound** Pound** pound**
Me: WTF!!! It's only 8Am!!! (I walk to the door with my comforter around me) ..why does he always come when I'm almost nakey? Dammit.. (I wipe the hair out of my face and open the door with a smile of hatred)
Asshole: This "REFUSE" by your garage needs to be eliminated or I WILL issue a citation!!
Me: That's unfortunate because I have just gotten out of the hospital, I have no one to help me and I can't do anything with it right now, I'm so sorry, I will take care of it as soon as I can.
Idiot: Well if it's not gone by tomorrow I will issue it.. I WILL.. tomorrow.
Me: Really? Can I just have a few days please?
Meanie: No, it needs to be gone by TOMORROW!
Me: Could you issue citations to the punks that litter my yard and knock on my window at 2AM? Or how about the ones who race down this street and threaten my children's life? The one's who steal everything I leave outside for more than an hour? Or maybe the drug dealers down the road that bring in riff-raff every night and make us feel uncomfortable, have you cited them lately? Gun shots, well those don't seem too nice in this community either, perhaps we could do something about those as well? But you must live in the "good" part of this neighborhood, I wish I did. Perhaps it would be neighborly if you helped me, would you like to help me?
(I pause to give a big Seductress smile)
(he found no humor or empathy in his heart with my pleas)
Doorknob: If THEY have refuse in their yard I WOULD cite them. And you had better cut your grass!
Me: Sir, this has been there less than a week, please give me a few days so that I can get someone to deal with them, I promise it will be gone in a week, I have been sick.
Wicked witch of the West: Tomorrow.......And your little dog too!!!!
(I made that last part up about the dog, that's a great line, someone should write a movie with that in it, and perhaps a tornado and a rainbow...YES!!... a RAINBOW!!!)
He storms off to a "smart car" playfully painted green and white that was purchased with my tax money. No one looks cool OR threatening in a smart car. I laugh and wave as he stuffs himself in it.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I hate that I can't justify spending $40 every two weeks to cut my grass because my children need things as frivolous as food and toilet paper. But I am doing the best that I can. I do not live in a gated community with 5 car garages and fancy landscaping. It is perfectly acceptable for 5 or 6 palm fronds to be neatly piled by my garage for a week. So I moved them. I put them in my storage shed.
A few days later I went to the hospital again. When I had come home this time, my neighbor had cut my grass for me (it was so sweet, they are new and had found out I was sick, I am glad their are still people out there like that!)
.........they left a pile of trimmings NEATLY piled by my garage.
The next freaking day HOA Minion comes back.
At 8AM AGAIN!!!!!
Me: (sarcastically sappy sweet) Wonderful morning isn't it sir?
Jerkface: You have another pile.
Me: Yes, it was born yesterday, I call it Fred and it's a really sweet little bundle of branches.
Tyrant: You have until tomorrow to remove it.
Me: But I love it! What if I trim it in the shape of my patience being stepped on, you know, like every time you knock on my door at 8AM.. the morning after something is NEATLY piled by my garage.
(he shakes his fist in the air each time, it's really attractive AND assertive!!)
Me: Sir, all kidding aside, the grass got cut yesterday, it is neat and tidy now, is it unacceptable for me to ask for a few days to dispose of this? I don't have a truck and I don't have the money right now to pay to have it removed and again, I am sick, I just got out of the hospital yesterday I am doing the best I can, can't you see that by the yard being done??
Puppy kicker: I will cite you tomorrow then.
Me: Bless you, I knew you'd understand!
And I closed the door before he could say anything else. But he left me a big red warning taped on my garage. What a kind soul. I went out and moved the pile into my shed again.
Next time I am going to tie a balloon to the door handle of his "smart car" and watch it float away!
WHO WANTS CHOWDA???