Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Home Owners Association Hell

So I got back from my hospital stint and have survived thus far. However I am perky shade of green and am woefully reminded of "THAT" episode of The Family Guy (I'll link below for you, you're welcome!!).

I woke up to the sound of petulant thumping on my door. It was my elderly Home Owners Association Minion coming to lay down the law with me.

A week or so ago we had a storm that knocked all my dead palm fronds to high hell. I had drug them one by one to pile neatly beside my garage. These things are huge and heavy abominations to my sunny Florida skyline. When properly trimmed they are gorgeous, if not, we are risking life and limb walking out my front door. It is expensive to trim them because they are 10,000 feet tall! But the frond pile had only been there less than a week.

Him: **pound** Pound** pound**

Me: WTF!!! It's only 8Am!!! (I walk to the door with my comforter around me) ..why does he always come when I'm almost nakey? Dammit.. (I wipe the hair out of my face and open the door with a smile of hatred)

Asshole: This "REFUSE" by your garage needs to be eliminated or I WILL issue a citation!!

Me: That's unfortunate because I have just gotten out of the hospital, I have no one to help me and I can't do anything with it right now, I'm so sorry, I will take care of it as soon as I can.

Idiot: Well if it's not gone by tomorrow I will issue it.. I WILL.. tomorrow.

: Really? Can I just have a few days please?

Meanie: No, it needs to be gone by TOMORROW!

Me: Could you issue citations to the punks that litter my yard and knock on my window at 2AM? Or how about the ones who race down this street and threaten my children's life? The one's who steal everything I leave outside for more than an hour? Or maybe the drug dealers down the road that bring in riff-raff every night and make us feel uncomfortable, have you cited them lately? Gun shots, well those don't seem too nice in this community either, perhaps we could do something about those as well? But you must live in the "good" part of this neighborhood, I wish I did. Perhaps it would be neighborly if you helped me, would you like to help me?

(I pause to give a big Seductress smile)

(he found no humor or empathy in his heart with my pleas)

Doorknob: If THEY have refuse in their yard I WOULD cite them. And you had better cut your grass!

Me: Sir, this has been there less than a week, please give me a few days so that I can get someone to deal with them, I promise it will be gone in a week, I have been sick.

Wicked witch of the West: Tomorrow.......And your little dog too!!!!

(I made that last part up about the dog, that's a great line, someone should write a movie with that in it, and perhaps a tornado and a rainbow...YES!!... a RAINBOW!!!)

He storms off to a "smart car" playfully painted green and white that was purchased with my tax money. No one looks cool OR threatening in a smart car. I laugh and wave as he stuffs himself in it.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I hate that I can't justify spending $40 every two weeks to cut my grass because my children need things as frivolous as food and toilet paper. But I am doing the best that I can. I do not live in a gated community with 5 car garages and fancy landscaping. It is perfectly acceptable for 5 or 6 palm fronds to be neatly piled by my garage for a week. So I moved them. I put them in my storage shed.

A few days later I went to the hospital again. When I had come home this time, my neighbor had cut my grass for me (it was so sweet, they are new and had found out I was sick, I am glad their are still people out there like that!)


.........they left a pile of trimmings NEATLY piled by my garage.

The next freaking day HOA Minion comes back.

At 8AM AGAIN!!!!!


Me: (sarcastically sappy sweet) Wonderful morning isn't it sir?

Jerkface: You have another pile.

Me: Yes, it was born yesterday, I call it Fred and it's a really sweet little bundle of branches.

Tyrant: You have until tomorrow to remove it.

Me: But I love it! What if I trim it in the shape of my patience being stepped on, you know, like every time you knock on my door at 8AM.. the morning after something is NEATLY piled by my garage.

Scrooge: Tomorrow......

(he shakes his fist in the air each time, it's really attractive AND assertive!!)

Me: Sir, all kidding aside, the grass got cut yesterday, it is neat and tidy now, is it unacceptable for me to ask for a few days to dispose of this? I don't have a truck and I don't have the money right now to pay to have it removed and again, I am sick, I just got out of the hospital yesterday I am doing the best I can, can't you see that by the yard being done??

Puppy kicker: I will cite you tomorrow then.

Me: Bless you, I knew you'd understand!

And I closed the door before he could say anything else. But he left me a big red warning taped on my garage. What a kind soul. I went out and moved the pile into my shed again.

Next time I am going to tie a balloon to the door handle of his "smart car" and watch it float away!


10 Seducing Deductions:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think a few well placed nails and spikes in your driveways for the next time he pulls in would be good, too.

Anonymous said...

give me this assholes phone number... he wont brother you again.... ever

Crunk said...

They knock on your door at 8am the day after it was put there and threaten you with a citation if it is not gone by the next day? Despite you informing them of your ill health? I would take this to my local MP. What do you have over there, Governors?? I may even go to the local press. It just seems like a complete lack of compassion.

This guy was obviously bullied at school and probably has a tiny penis. What a tool!

mac said...

This guy sounds like a real asshole. You should call his superiors and file a complaint, or call the police and file a harrassment charge, maybe even get a restraining order. I agree with Crunk - small penis syndrome !

I reminds me of the animal warden who harrassed me about that crazy donkey my brother left at my house that time.
He knocks on my door (not at 8am mind you), "You need a barn for that donkey down there."

I tell him, "well, he has a shade shelter keeping him out of the sun and weather, and he has all the water he could care for in that stream running through his field"

Animal asshole says, "That's not good enough. He needs a closed barn, and a dedicated water trough. You have two weeks to comply or a citation will be issued"

I called my brother and informed him I was NOT building a barn for the donkey that he left at my place. He thought I was crazy, telling me the donkey had never slept in a barn his entire life. He was a guard donkey. His job was to protect sheep from coyotes at night... HE LIVED OUTSIDE !!!
I took Don Quixote back to my brothers farm, where he had all the other critters to play with, and NO access to a barn.

When the animal asshole came back, he asks, "Where's the donkey?"

I reply, in full on asshole mode, "I ate it"

Shocked animal guy: "You what?!"

"Yes, sir, I ate the donkey. Is there a law about that?"

He never came back around after that.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

That f*khead needs to be thrown in jail for disturbing the peace (i.e., you, our beloved Seductress). Who does he think he is? And what is wrong with a neat pile in YOUR garage? This is the last thing you need. Besides we've gotta start training for boccia ball, so he better quit interrupting your sleep.
I love ya. Keep hanging tough.

Mike said...

Obviously this jerk is on a power trip. Tell him right to his face to go fuck off and slam the door in his face. Better yet booby trap the front step.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Alex-Ooooh yes spikes!! Always a good response!!

Sir- Please do come for a visit then!! ;}

Crunk- 8Am! Yes! What a crock!!! grrrrr

Mac- I can see you dong that!! ahahaha

RRG- No respect for the beloved Seductress....smile Boccia ball in use here!!

Mike- Booby traps sound fun!!! ;}

Crunk said...

Haha, I'm sorry but I'm still THAT immature that I can't help but laugh when someone says booby/boobies. HAHA

The Invisible Seductress said...

Crunk--I'm flashin' ya ahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's pretty petty of them. I didn't know that HOA's had so much power. I'm glad your other neighbour restored your faith in humanity and cut your lawn for you. That was nice. Hope you are getting some rest and taking care of yourself. Hugs! - G
PS. "And your little dog too!" That cracked me up!

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