With all that blah, blah, blah about living Happily Ever After,,, I can't wait till "Prince Charming" finally shows up. He'll saunter in with his tired looking white steed (obviously the steed is tired because "PC" searched valleys high and low). He remains vigilant through rain, sleet and snow (he might be a postal worker) looking for me. I will gaze into his weary (yet remarkably blue) eyes, (obviously) weary because he slayeth a few dragons for me (they were un-trainable), got "Knighted" (nothing sexier than a Knight, even if it IS only valid at Medieval Times!) and killed my mascara nemesis (sparkly paint-ball fight style).
His journey to me was long and treacherous. He finally figured out that the "code" word for Princess access was "Rumpelstiltskin" (or however you spell it, because I love me a good word game) and climbed up on a braid of the finest hair weave extensions (multi-colored for a fun effect) carrying a glass slipper (that only fits my petite foot) and a case of Sierra Mist (because that's how I roll).
But seconds before addressing me, he was woefully effected by a spell placed on him when he was first born by an oooh, oooh, witchay woman (apparently she was bitter because she got the moon in her eyes). The spell dictated that whenever he sees the most beautiful woman in the world, instead of wooing her with his charms, he turns into a frog. So he sees me and (obviously) **poofs** into an amphibian (albeit a handsome amphibian and I must say, seeing a frog carrying a glass slipper AND a case of Sierra Mist was certainly endearing).
He tries to kiss me (but I wanted to help the environment, so I dumped his green ass back into the contaminated swamp where his tadpoles can have 3 tails and 5 eyes like nature intended).
Now he has to make the harrowing journey all over again (minus the Sierra Mist and now bringing a medium sized bag of Circus Peanuts. Of course I had new demands, I'm fabulous).
This time, he befriends a witch (because she needed frog urine for a spell she is casting) and she turns him back into a handsome prince again, but he really wasn't my type, (he was totally manscaped and smelled like feet), so I gave him a list of my specifications and sent him back (after commandeering the Circus Peanuts- duh) to find the witch with a beaker of the finest frog pee (that I am not sure why I had readily available).
She clicked her heels (which were NOT red OR sparkly), but this ended up sending him to a spiral yellow brick road in the land of OZ anyway (WTF??) where he tamed a girly lion (by bribing him with a lollipop filled with courage and a set of premium prosthetic testicles) and rode him (piggy-back style) to my extremely tall tower. He was now un-manscaped and full of machismo wearing the obligatory "boots and tights" combo and donning a shiny new set of tin armour plates (that the lion was curiously upset about) and he no longer smelled of feet.
After a 8 hour climb (because he knew the sex would be worth it, he took a Viagra and chugged 4- 5 hour energy shots) he spread bundles of hay (which strangely enough, the lion also had a strong attachment to) on the wooden bed to soften our lovemaking. Some hay was also scattered on a table (to cushion it for the lion's premium prosthetic testicle operation, which I don't think "PC" was qualified to do).
I was out of my tower at the time (painting the roses red, because I like singing that song). I'm pissed because he should have known that (because I tweeted about it).
But alas, he sees me in the garden with heavens light haloing down on me.
After all of that turmoil (and after I kick the lion out because he won't stop crying and smelling handfuls of hay), Prince Charming takes me softly in his arms and gently touches my cheek (cause he's a puss and wouldn't slam a gal up against her own tower wall--- rolls eyes).
As he is leaning in for our first kiss (I burp on him because I drank too much Sierra Mist) and I say with quivering tongue:
"Oh my, excuuuse me, but, meh (shrug), I went ahead and married the teen aged soft pretzel boy from the mall because my daughter said that we ALL would live like SOOOOO happily ever after if my husband was a soft pretzel maker."
... And I showed Prince Charming my stunning soft pretzel wedding ring with rock salt accents..... He could only agree with my daughter (because he knew he really couldn't top mad soft pretzel making skillz,, I mean really,, who can?).
As he rode his steed off into the distance (sobbing over me and on his way to the ER because he had an erection for more than 4 hours) my husband "Dex" (who was, to my despair, "naturally" manscaped because of age) drove up in his neon green Tokyo drift car blaring techno and smelling all doughy,,,,, (but carrying a big bag of fresh, warm soft pretzels).
At this time I felt I should ask Dex about the wisp of tan lion hair and blood stuck to the new dent in his bumper, but I don't (because the aroma of pretzels overtakes me and I needed to make sure I had mustard).
....And we lived like SOOOOO happily ever after...
(it's the Sierra Mist, really it is)
(it's the Sierra Mist, really it is)