The Original Playground Pimp!

I was spending some quality "talk" time with my girlz today. Just a nice time spent laughing and gabbing about out what happened in their lives at school this week. All of the sudden, MsDebate grabbed my hand and tried to write on it. "Uh, Excuse me,, I own that appendage!!" I said questioning her intentions. She just smiled and said "Well,,you've been ZAPPED!!!!" I looked around for Ashton Kutcher,,but alas,,he never showed. So I patiently awaited the explanation of my newly attained title. "It means you are liked Mom!!!" she said, proudly displaying her hand. There on top, in big fat writing was the word "ZAP". It was tastefully accentuated with lightening bolts and squiggles. "So" she asked sweetly "can I ZAP you mom,, puhleeeeease???!!!". DramaGirl laughed excitedly beside us. The big brown eyes and pathetic squeaks grew to be too much and I submitted to being "ZAPPED". I did this before fully realizing the technical aspects of my new position. Now, with the top of my hand fully adorned, I was told to flip it over. In my palm a secret message would be written. I'm a dumb a*s so I followed direction like a Lemming off a cliff. I was warned to not read the message until directed. At this point it was assumed that the green marker inscribed palm message would be special because I was "liked". It was not. It said "I'M A GOOBER!" (I am, but still,,WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!). I was then informed that anytime someone called my name, I was to stand and speak loudly and proudly the message that graced my hand. This game did not last very long, it did however get me thinking back to the "old days".

I remembered the paper puppet hand thingy-jigger with the numbers, colors and scrawled fortunes tucked inside. If you pick the number 5, then pick the color yellow, if when you open the flap, the paper puppet hand thingy-jigger says "kiss Chris Crumbly",,,you KISS Chris Crumbly!!! (full on, behind the tree, got caught, lied, said "we were ONLY looking for marbles!" And kissed him again when they believed me-----suckerzzzz)! The paper puppet hand thingy-jigger knew all and was to be highly respected. It rocked!! So did gullible teachers and cute boys named after the remains of messy food items. That memory sent me drifting back again, this time to the thought of kissing even MORE boys and Doug. Playground pimp Doug.

Wanna hear about him? Of course you do here I go:


Doug wasn't unusually handsome, but he did have a strong confidence and a wild spirit that sucked you in. He was the first boy that ever gave me jewelry. It was a piece of thick bark with a hole placed in the top strung with red yarn. A true masterpiece of bark-gemstone artistry. On one side, a heart was deeply inscribed. On the other, (the words every girl longed to hear) "I like you, do you like me?" were scratched. My choices to answer this question were "yes", "no" and of course, "maybe". I was in love. I chose a resounding "YES" and wore my necklace proudly. Me and Doug wanted to start a family so he decided he should get us a house.
The school playground was large and had slight hills. It was spotted with mature pine trees and was perfect real estate for a first time home buyer. Our "house", a circle made out of pine straw, was built under a tree by a ditch. We would happily reside there every recess with our pine sap covered shoes. I was so exultant, I made a lovely pine straw wife. The talk turned to kisses and I was nervous, but would "give it up" to him at lunch everyday. Out of nowhere Doug stopped coming home to our circle at recess. There were rumors of other circles in the trees. One day I found him canoodling another pine straw lover. I was devastated. The next day I strolled the playground and found Doug's other pine wives (there were 6 others !!!! None were as cute as me, just thought you should know). We banded against him. He tried to explain himself and even asked if we could all just play together in a really BIG home (uh, really Doug,, N-O! Don't let the pine straw hit ya in the rear!!! Actually,, in retro-spec that was pretty advanced of him). We all took our bark necklaces off, scraped "NO" on the front and threw them at him (the principal should have cut me some slack,, I mean really,,one out of 7 HAD to hit his face sooner or later, my hand just didn't get the memo to let go in time, I blame the lack of video games in my house). Every time I hear of a multiple wife situation, I think of Doug. He was truly a pioneer of infidelity at the tender age of 8..... And my first cheating experience. It's a harsh world.

I wonder what ever happened to Doug?