Sunday, October 11, 2009

He "gleeked" on me!

On Sept. 4th I had an epiphany. It wasn't about a money making scheme or a cure for the Swine Flu, but something far more ominous. I felt like a mom. A great mom, but, just a mom. Not a woman or an adult that people may ACTUALLY like to hang out with (assuming I don't spit on a napkin, wipe their face and ruffle their hair saying "remember you got big boy pants on!!"). It had been so long since I had put my self in the local meat market, I was doubting which Grade I might be. I called my pretty friend (who from now on in posts will be called "CrimeScene").

Wanna know why? Of course you do, here I go:

Years and years ago CrimeScene and I went out and met cute beings of the opposite brain orientation. After a night of fun, frivolity and a truckload of White Russians, she was feeling the burn. Me, the gotta go girl, delivered her safely to my house from the bar AGAIN (HAIL the ALMIGHTY gotta go girl). I invited the men over for laughs. CrimeScene continued to pickle herself. A few moments later on the way to the restroom,,,,,,"WOMP".......She collapsed face down, half in the bathroom half out, a*s exposed to the gentle glow of fluorescent bulbs. Now, I "enhance" my beautiful auburn hued hair, the last time being a day before. Why is this important you ask (no doubt biting your pinkie nail) it's important because I had a rough dying experience and red dye was still on the door of the bathroom. It was in drippy, bloody red streaks. Her limp exposed body laying under the bloody door elicited a "she looks like a CrimeScene" from one of the gentlemen (and we all laughed and drew smiley faces on her a*s,,no, not really, I covered her with a towel to further the CrimeScene effect instead).

...I have a bonus snippet about that night too,,wanna he---yea, yea, YOU DO, here I go:

I asked the guys to leave so that I could tend to her (because I am tirelessly angelic in my ways). Before they pulled out of the driveway CrimeScene miraculously awakened, ran to the door and screamed: "Hey bring me some french friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies!!!!!" (she's so hot).
Well folks there you have it.....CrimeScene revealed (you are so welcome!) .....Back to the story....Already in progress>>>

CrimeScene was delighted I would be going out with her and we laughed and giggled happily in anticipation.
When we got to the bar with her friends (one of whom was madly in love with her and had been for years) I started my stake on an entertaining night. I shot one game of pool (the first in years) and made an impressive first shot called "eight ball gone I lose" (I can teach you, too!). CrimeScene's "but,,,,,,I LOV 'er!!!" friend was trying to make her jealous and asked ME to dance. I accepted my "lower sexual attraction" level with dignity and agreed to a dos-a-dos with him. He was the absolute luggy-ish dancer I have EVER seen. He grabbed my hand and flailed me around with Frankenstein-ish results. This guy had "Dancing Tourettes Syndrome". I think it was a dip gone bad (look at me people!!! I just created the next exciting show on Fox,,"When dancing DIPS go BAD" {{insert menacing music here}}). My foot stuck to something on the dance floor (it was a high falootin' place I tell ya, couldn't see a soul there because they were all in full camouflage,,,,pa-TANG!!!). My knee went backwards with a "POP" (sadly, not a "WOMP",,,I do however do ALL my own stunts,,so mad props right???). Exactly 1 and 1/2 hours into my celebrated "I'm a big girl now!" night, I was in the ER crying like a toddler (backtracked in age and appearance once again!!). I ended up in a full leg brace (the nurses ALL laughed in front of me about that because they had to get pediatric sized crutches and brace,,cold bitches).......and now I await orthopedic surgery.

So,,,, to make up for that failed night, we set up a re-do last night. I would be fully compensated in fun right???!!! (WHAT THE HALIBUT,,,this is ME we're talking about!)
It was a big Gator Game night (we wooped on LSU,,can I get a WOOOOHOOOOO). The bar was packed. She had arrived before me with her new boyfriend (guess who wouldn't be the gotta go girl tonight). She was to call me and let me know if it was worth my hour drive there, I was assured it was.
The moment I spotted her I knew,,she was tipsy,,but still fun. Standing a few feet away was a very young very attractive man, he was very obviously interested and trying to get my attention. A few moments later, I gave it to him. Life was good, until he spoke. The slurring was accompanied by gleeking. I walked away, he looked sad, my tipsy hot friend went up to him and spoke smiling. I sauntered sexily over (er,,I tried to saunter sexily over). He was so cute, maybe it was me, I'll try again I thought. It wasn't me. I left again. He had begun to follow me around the bar so I named him Spot. Spot tried everything in his power to wooooo me (yes wooooo me). One of the wooing statements was, and I quote: "I just stopped selling drugs 3 weeks ago" (SWOOOOOOOOOOOON). I ditched Spot for real but he sat glaring at me from across the bar. I found out later my leggy blonde friend had told him that I was REALLY in to him. He did finally leave.
I made my way over to the pool table. I owned the pool table. I was shooting like a fiend and it was ORGASMIC. Strange men swirled around me. I was scared, but stayed HARD YO (that's how I roll). The number of "Spots" kept growing, and they all acted like I had elicited attention to them in some way. I found out later why that was. I walked up only to hear my friend, ever the gracious drunk hostess, telling a suspect I had not even SEEN yet that I was VERY attracted to him (he shot me a glimmered eye, WTH). So much for my "natural" appeal,,it had all been a malicious set up. No one had even noticed how "INTELIGANT" I was. I scurry home to my green olives.

6 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

No mention of the creepy biker-Obama look alike. He would be disappointed. I am sure you were the highight of his evening.

Interesting Blog.

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

No,,,sadly I wasn't sure how to address him here!!! Glad to hear from you! Hope your night ended well!! Do you hate me now after reading this?

Bruce Coltin said...

Well I.S., you write well and you know how to tell a story. I guess I'll be a regular here. Let's see your more serious side...if you feel like it.

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

Thank you Mr. Coltin. It is an honor to have you here!

Anonymous said...

I think it would be difficult to hate so casually. My impression is only that you are cute and seem to write well and are probably intelligent, even if you do say so yourself while drinking.

f1trey said...

Wonderful posting! Ive already had calculus so I dont pine for your serious side.... (You probably got enough of that already)..... XXX OOO

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