Friday, October 2, 2009

The size of my rear -and- Potty Talk

I am in the process of potty training a very intelligent and fiesty 3 year old. This may possibly kill me....(if my 9 year olds drama (she once told me that I love the ants more than her--yes--the ANTS--welcome to my world!!).....and my lack of a social life don't do me in first)!!!!
In my efforts to guide him in the right direction, I bought a fun little padded kiddie toilet seat. It's a "Thomas the Train" seat that fits over the regular seat for #2 duty. Assuming it is not ON his head (it doubles as a hat along with Underoos and Fruit of the Loom's) it works pretty well. I just have had one request to God about it. My prayers of late go something like this: "Dear God---Thank you for my wonderful life and children--please allow them to rest their vocal chords this week and you will simultaneously save me from bleeding eardrums and looming insanity........also could you please shrink my a*s so that it fits perfectly on the "Thomas the Train" toilet insert, I would be eternally grateful..get it God??--eternally---- (hey,,,u made me!!)--wink--did I just say a*s out loud to you God? dang!!!...amen".

It's been a "crappy" week to begin with. Let me explain in a non-graphic way (who am I kidding-it's graphic, but stick with me please, I need the support!).

My daughter has BM's the size of Papa Smurf. She also feels her microscopic sized butt needs a whole roll of paper to properly clean it. Papa Smurf and the tidal wave of TP do not share the swishing water slide very well. It was before school and before 7AM that the last episode of this saga happened. I heard the familiar squeaky "oh noooooo!!!!" and ran in with superhuman speed to rectify the situation. I fervently fumbled with the razor sharp water cut off handle thingy (most conveniently located just out of reach and tightened by the Incredible Hulk...WHAT THE HALIBUT is that about?!?). The water, in clear defiance, flowed right over top edge soothing me with its chill. A few more moments of "cut the damn water off" struggle had finally netted results, but not before Papa Smurf escaped and landed squarely on my foot with a strange WHAP.......The offending child had the nerve to laugh, and I felt sexy.

And..... There is yet ANOTHER fun installment----Wanna hear it----Of course you do!!!..... Here I go:

Me and my son were having our normal "gotta go" potty races. He has been having difficulty understanding the dynamics of a BM (ie: what part of the body it comes from and how to control the poop demons). He ran in the bathroom fervently aware of his necessity. The sound of Thomas flying off and hitting the tile jarred my attention. I run in to assist him with with aiming (which sounds like this:...."make bubbles,,,,let's make bubbles!!!!!", followed by musical toddler laughs -and- YES,,,, you CAN use this with your toddlers or old people as necessary----you're soooo welcome!!). My son is standing there,, body leaning precariously into the basin. Belly sticking out further than the appendage being used. Big brown eyes glowing in anticipation of a post potty celebratory treat offering and obligatory dance session. He lets out a grunt and I see a turtle from the back. If you don't know what a turtle is I won't explain but to say-----oh he was soooooooo dang close to success--right room--right timing--wrong position!!! With cat like reflexes I whip him up-bend him in half and position him correctly to finish the job properly. And I almost made it too......ALMOST...It wasn't Papa Smurf this time-more like a Bakugan but the effect was still the same,,although sadly there was no strange "WHAP"........ As for me-- I felt sexy......AGAIN!!!!!

8 Seducing Deductions:

Charlene said...

So funny! I feel your pain. My four year old still leaves me a little "surprise" every once in a while. Fun targets in the toilet (like Cheerios) worked pretty good... as did colored bath tablets (for #1 anyway). I'd put a smigen of blue color in the toilet and have my son turn it green.

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

-----smile-----with no man in the house I was thinking he would have a problem learning how to stand up and pee-but nope--that must be a wired from birth thing for men--ha!!! The blue water sounds excellent!! Will hafta try thata one!!!!

Patrice S. said...

hahahaha LMAO! Wowzers! It seems to be the kind of humor I need each day. I am not a mom, nowhere near it but I do have young siblings and hence feel your pain.
This is good stuff, very funny and for that I am gonna follow you - maybe even stalk this blog until i'm sick of rofl.
Thanks for posting this link under my request for the blogs to read section of google help.

We should follow each other, no? It would make me even happier.

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

well your on Patrice!!! SMILE!!!! Thanks for laughing with me!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I will go outside now and embrace all my ants!!!

You're doing a great job and someday you will be so happy that you had these special bonding times with your children (haha).

I love the Thomas the Train song. It kind of gives you a warning bell, doesn't it?

Love the blog!!!

"The Invisible Seductress" said...


Write Right Where You "R" said...

Hahahaha! I DO NOT miss my kids when they were 3 and 9. Lord have mercy!!!
Peace 2 you, if you can!

Jim said...

I have no words, lol . . . [wiping laugh tears from the corner of my eyes]


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