Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dixie Dandee Day!

I went to Winn Dixie yesterday afternoon. Not where "shopping is a pleasure" but instead where "things are getting better everyday" (so far,,, service, cleanliness, produce, selection, music, cart wheels and freezer temperatures are NOT included in Winn Dixie's definition of "THINGS"!!..... Still, it's close to home and I heart food store mediocrity!!).

*****Side note: I did find ONE edible banana today. I am thrilled!!*****

I normally don't buy a lot of sodas but was craving some carbonation and settled on buying a 2-liter of Coke Zero. At the Dixie, all of the diet sodas are on the very top shelf. Fat people are taller than skinny people (bet ya didn't know that huh? WHAT THE HALIBUT!!). So I was reaching with one hand while perched precariously on my good leg (the other braced leg lifted delicately for leverage). I wobbled sexily while poking at the bottom bottle nubs trying to dislodge a soda and fulfill my fantasy for the day (uh,,yes,,stop laughing,,,that WAS my fantasy for the day, simple minds, simple pleasures). The frantic nub poking should have resulted in a Coke Zero suicide bomber dive. The bottle would then land either on my sexy blue painted piggies or on my head (I vote head, it's a lot harder than my toes and is also quite a lot more entertaining for the onlookers, and as you know,, I am a giver). Passerbyers passerbyed offering no help. I swore quietly yet was tirelessly dedicated to my cause. I remained focused and determined to beat the damn stock boy's thwart against the short girl (no doubt they were in the back saying "hey dude,,, like totally,,,"head or toes??" Betting at my expense). Just then a ray of light graced the Dixie. A father son duo came strolling down the aisle. The skies opened up and their smiles glowed with angelic purpose. Dad sent son to help. Son was thrilled to be of service and dad was soooooo charming to slave him out to me. He astutely nub rubbed. Supernaturally, the defiant bottle jumped the safety of the soda corral and the camaraderie of his bottle posse' to be caught lovingly in my open arms (we kissed passionately, it was magic,,,, wait,, no,, me and the BOTTLE perv,,, NOT me and the KID,, geeze!). The music in the background ceased to play and the heavenly supermarket voices declared loudly: Hero, aisle 8!!! Hero aisle 8!!!. The boy, nodding sweetly to my thanks, said raucously "WOW!!!!! I'm like 12!!!!! And I'm like wa-aaaay taller than you!!!" Then he used the always precise "hand to forehead" measuring system and smiled adeptly at his dad. Playfully he added "How old are yooou enywaaays?" Everyone laughed (I really do think security was a bit rough on me, I mean if there was a better time for an atomic wedgie,, I never saw it,, but whatever).

How short am I (you ask sweetly, caring only about my happiness and well being)? Well first let me learn you a thing or two at my humble expense (bowing). Did you know to be considered a dwarf you have to be 4'10" or shorter??? I am 4'11" people!!! One inch shorter and I would be considered disabled and be able to receive government assistance!!! Two inches shorter and I,,,, your sexy invisible superhero, would have to sit in a booster chair for optimum safety!!!

Normally, I don't care that I am considered short, it doesn't hinder me in any way (at home I have a trusty long pair of tongs that helps me everywhere in the house. If the tongs ever show up missing my family would be filthy and starve to death). Being short however DOES go hand in hand with being called "cute". I've been called "cute" my whole life. I'm really OK with that, but I do have a very good "cute" proposal I'd like to share.

Wanna hear it? Of course you do, here I go:

It is simply this: Meg Ryan.... She is the quintessentially "cute" girl in Hollywood. Think "When Harry Met Sally",, I mean COME ON........Ca-UTE!!!!!!!....... BUT,,,,, Meg Ryan can be uber-sexy hot at the same time.

So,, I have decided,, if you're gonna call me cute,, pahleeeease think less about puppies and kittens and more about Meg.. And allow me my fantasy of being "Meg Ryan Cute".

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**The preceding blog was a paid advertisement for:

"She has lost her mind, she'll NEVER be Meg Ryan". Where we bash the dreams of "cute like a puppy" girls worldwide!!!

and by a grant from:

"Hey guys!! Enjoy the sexy chic shot in my blog" Cologne. It not only smells good, IT IS ALL good!! ........(you're welcome)

4 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

4'11" really?? i knew you were invisible but ....perfect too??...sorry i questioned it wont happen again.... XXXX OOOO

next time please pick up some silly putty for the kids....

The Invisible Seductress said...

......pseudo dwarf smiling at Trey kneading wad of silly putty..

Kate said...

"She has lost her mind, she'll NEVER be Meg Ryan". Where we bash the dreams of "cute like a puppy" girls worldwide!!!"

I just spat my drink on the keyboard - brilliant! All the hollywood actresses are small too so you are in good company.

Love the blog

Kate x

The Invisible Seductress said...

Thanks Kate!!! I am smiling now cause of you!!!!

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