Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Olives again???!!!!!!

Lately for dinner I have been having 4 green olives (no Vodka). I know this is not healthy yet I do it everyday because I have exhausted all patience for the kitchen.
There is some law that says you have to feed your children 3 times a day (damn government). My girls boldly remind me of that fact. If for some reason lunch gets skipped,,it's ON!!!!! They could have just finished eating a steamy hot properly rounded meal of gruel and water when I hear: "I'm hungry Mom!!!!,,I didn't have lunch!!!!!!!". "But",, I say calmly, infinitely wiser than they,,,"you JUST ate dinner!!!"
Dramagirl, if she made it this far, collapses in hunger for effect (WOMP). I guess the possum act would get a rise out of some people, I just walk over her making sure my toes hit her square in the ribs or that I spill a cold beverage on her head.
My son, we'll call him "Hoover" will suck up anything that resembles food 24 hours a day. He has begun making suggestions instead of allowing me to dictate his menu (this whole growing up and getting your own opinion thing is over rated). He wakes up early and with stealthy actions, begins marauding the kitchen. Finally he comes into my room (5 AM) making cow chewing cud noises and waps me on the face. I try not to curse as I jump 50 feet in the air (plastic mattress covers on the bed are advisable for parents). A soft sweet voice sings "I awake Mommy,,you awake??? We should eat brakerfast now!!!!"...These words are accompanied by crumbs flying out of his mouth and directly into my face (let us take the time to applaud my patience tick tick tick,,{{{{buzzzzzzzer}}}}}} Thank You!!!).
They say as a side effect from certain medicine, people sleep eat. How freaking scary is that?? Diet all day only to ruin your efforts inadvertently. This is straight from the depths of evil. They should make a horror movie about it. I would love to see someone obsessed with being fit and trim like Jillian ("The Biggest Loser") have this happen (of course she probably has only rice crisps in her house and AIR has more calories and taste,,but whatever). SHE NEEDS TO WEAR SPANXS DAMN IT!!
I actually have experienced this phenomenon one time while on Ambien.

Wanna hear about it?? Of course you do here I go:

It was the night before nothing and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. I in my kerchief,,no man in a cap, had just settled down for a long winters nap (wooolooooolooooo,,the girls lost it!!)


(for real now)...I fell asleep around 11PM, ahhh,,,nice warm soft bed,,,ahhhh,,crickets chirping happily,,,ahhhhh,, dreamt of Walter in the flip flop aisle again,,,ahhhhhh,,girggle, cough, choke,,,,woke up!!!!.....(WHAT THE HALIBUT?????!!!!!) ....BIG can of Chef Boyardee on the night stand,,,,GONE,,,fork bent with a bite out of it (just kidding,, no bite). I even had bread and butter..Let me outline this,,,,I opened a can,, found a fork,, got bread,, buttered it, put it on a plate,, carried it back to bed and consumed it, all while asleep with no memory of doing any of it...HUH??? How does that even happen???? (BIZARRO!)..Then,,,,, as if I wasn't already stunned,,,,Walter walks out of the bathroom,, (apparently I sleep seduce as well).

......Stopped taking Ambien and made Walter go home (for now).


***note: The following portions of this post were embellished for your reading pleasure (you're welcome!).***

.....Rice cakes CAN have flavor (when covered in chocolate and cherries). I do not REALLY feed my children gruel (it's borscht)....and finally, me and Walter are just FRIENDS ( it's not you Walter, it's me..call me).

4 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

ahhh to be a grownup......with sleep disorders......and an addiction to chocolate and cherrys...ya got it made !!!!

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

.....and Olives,,don't forget the green olive addiction!!!! Life is good, right?! SMILE

Crunk said...

I really like your blog, it's very funny.

Thanks for sharing the little snippets of your life.

You are followed!

P.S give walter a break, he's a nice guy!

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

Thanks Crunk!!! Walter started it!

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