Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm fired!!!!

Yesterday was a traumatic day. Seeing your kid in pain is torture. Hearing your kid complain about the pain for 16 hours straight, is Inhumane. At first she did fine. She wanted to put on make-up and have her hair fixed up. She was nervous and inquisitive but not whiny or unbearable like I thought she would be. In the office, a dental student came out and introduced himself to us. He was pretty. She noticed he was pretty. He asked if we had any questions and I said no. Dramagirl, in monotone voice said "I would like to have a moment alone with my mother". This made me nervous, a vision of her being strapped down bellowing passed through my head. Not getting the hint she passed to them, the student Doctor and assistant stayed in the room. Dramagirl shot them a look that spoke of their stupidity and they then decided to step outside. She pulled me over and confided, "I can't do this, Mom,,I can't!!" Her whiny tone was fully in effect. I comfort her with a standard edition "it'll be OK " and a rub on the arm. "No!" she said sternly "he's too cute, what if I cry, I can't let HIM see me cry". I agreed and with a smile said " uh,,,Ye-ah,,,then he totally wouldn't marry you!!!!". This comment was slightly more humorous then when I dance in the school car line in front of her friends.
We finally let them return to their jobs and I grabbed the Doctors ass---imilated procedure outline,,(yea that's it) before leaving (you thought I grabbed his rear????? Get ya head outta the gutta! I smacked his a**, I'm a lady people, a smack is legal, it's a nod to my football days). When she came out (they made me leave/I made voodoo dolls and am torturing them as we speak), she was crying. She pretty much did that all day while forgetting how to do menial tasks like drink water from a cup, breath without sucking spit and actually separating her words (everythiiiiinnngsoundedliiiiiikkkkethiiiiiiisssssssaaaa!). Ice Cream helped a lot, I guess I should have given her some too (whatever,,don't judge me!).
We were about an hour from home so I decided to get her pain script filled--immediately--(to avoid further interruption of my sanity). Dramagirl decided to stay in the car. Me, because I'm an idiot and in a rush, turned the key to accessory mode instead of leaving it running. I had also left the lights on. Engine dies. No one in the parking lot cares about me until I strip to my skivvies and dance on the hood to garner "I need help" attention. This apparently looked psychiatrically unstable and everyone fled the area.
I got to a phonebook, found and called a place called "Billiees Tow Service" (join me for the sound effect of the day: a fat loogie being spit into a metal bucket thus simulating that this was a backwoods establishment---PA-tang).
As a single person, you think every contact might be special, and this one was. Short bus special. I couldn't really see his face as he had a beard and mustache with no discernable break between the hair stopping and the dirt and grime beginning. Only his eyes were free of debree. He stared at me, complimented my glittery eyes and proceeded to let me do all the work for him. It took less than 2 minutes to jump the car. I paid him $45 because- I heart- wasting money!!!! I stopped myself from licking my hands and rubbing the dirt off his face. He said two words to me "sign here" and he rolled away phat in his tow truck-hoopdieville.
On our way home, Dramagirl discovered her teeth were missing and the hysterics started. I had been entrusted with her enamels, wrapped in wet gauze (WTH??? why was the gauze wet?? Ewwww). Sadly I lost them (gasp). She reasoned that I had lost them on purpose because I must not want her to have money (I would NEVER lose the teeth of ants because I love them more than her!!!! see previous post on Dramagirl). I assured her that was NOT the case and told her that I have an "IN" with the big TF and things would be OK. I don't think she trusted me because when I checked on her (sleeping angelically, bloody drool falling serenely on her pillow), I found this note (exactly as written) on her dresser:

Dear Ms. toothfarie,
today i got two teeth pulled and mom lost them in my gause i looked everywhere but i couldnt find it can I still get money

yours truely,

moms signiture

Apparently the Toothfairy was supposed to wake me to collaborate this story and make me sign to further attest my parenting cruelty. The Toothfairy left the approval letter (above) laden with sparkles and $5!!!! The TF rocks!!! She totally had my back today!!!!

4 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

how perfect a post! i enjoy your gifts......have a fantastic weekend! :)

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

swooooon!! Thanks

caligirly_24 said...

of all the blogs
I have read thus far
yours has had my side in aches
from laughter
i most definitly will be folowing

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

Thanks pretty girl!!!! I appreciate you!!

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