40 years of wisdom and intelligence UNLEASHED on you!! BAM-O

Well, I celebrated my 4Th decade of being "The Translucent Persuader" here on this wonderful planet we call Earth. I had hoped that I had learned some very important lessons in my many years and could offer you a sage cornucopia of "limited edition" follower only information. It would be a virtual "plethora platter" of wisdom nuggets and chunks of meaty direction, but, meh , what freaking fun would THAT be? *shrugs*

Instead, I offer you the following thoughts you will NEVER need:

1. There is an alternate universe filled with our missing socks and one legged doppelgangers.

2. At this point, I believe that I will never have my face inscribed on a box of Wheaties.

3. I believe that children are our future,,, and that we are doomed.

4. From now on, everywhere I go, I am going to start pointing up to the ceiling as if I have a packed to the rafters audience. I will thank them and bow, as I am sure my performance was stellar.

5. Firemen and EMT's are always hot, but they don't like hearing that after you throw up on them.

6. The definition of the word "Nog" is: A block of wood inserted into masonry or brickwork so that something can be nailed to it. What rocket scientist was in charge of naming our festive holiday drinks THAT year???

7. Milli Vanili was framed.

8. Remember leg-warmers? I miss those.

9. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Scientists have also noticed this commonality with all creatures that carry the "Y" chromosome.

10. When I was a kid I thought the following statement was hilarious: I thought it was a booger, but its snot... Yep, still do.

11. Someone once told me that a study showed that married men change their underwear twice as often as single men do. Does your wife scare the crap out of you?

12. Horton the Elephant should be our next president, he meant what he said and he said what he meant... And that elephant is faithful 100 percent!!

13. Seriously cat owners, can't you just admit that they rule your life and are plotting the demise of the human race? You know you're just trying to get an in with them now before it is too late.

14. All porcupines float. Did you know that?

15. I am developing a serious hoarding problem. I hoard attractive men. It's easier to get out of legal problems with a mental illness: Your Honor, my client DID not kidnap these 150 attractive men, she has been diagnosed as a hoarder, but, she HAS agreed to sign over some of the men to the State so that they are more manageable and shed less, thus also solving her plumbing problem.

16. Beer, it's not just for dinner anymore, there are many refreshing blends of hops and spices that make it perfect for all day long consumption!

17. You won't hear: "Hey, I want to be a crazy cat-lady when I grow up" very often. But you'll NEVER hear: "Man, I want to bang that crazy cat lady!!!!!.....EVER....

18. If you ever decide to live today like it was the last day of your life, tomorrow would be hell after all the crazy-ass shit you pulled today!

19. If a Zhu-Zhu pet gets stuck in your hair, your only option is to bludgeon it.

20. How many times do you text "LOL" without really laughing out loud? Doesn't this make you feel the least bit guilty? I've never seen anyone actually drop and roll on the floor with laughter while texting either, what are we teaching our children? And don't tell me,,,, you do still have your ass don't you??!! Liar.

21. Why is it automatically assumed that I am a burglar when I wear pantyhose over my face?

22. This morning my middle child was very upset at General Mills. Apparently the new box of Lucky Charms I bought yesterday had a serious defect, it had no magically delicious marshmallows. The oldest calmly explained this manufacturing error to her younger sister right as she was pouring the first bowl from the "new" box. I deduce the middle child is really not that bright and call the school board to arrange a short bus pick up.

23. I think everyone should get a hamster and name it "Peeve". Because then we would all have something in common, our own little pet peeves!!

24. I am sorry but, you are not automatically deemed gangsta' by wearing a hoodie.

25. I have never had a "happy period"! Even if I had one at the Happiest Place on Earth, it would STILL suck! Who the hell wrote that slogan?

26. Spam is an underutilized source of protein.

27. "Pipe pics" are never REALLY appreciated in the way you fantasize them to be.

28. While out of town, you text or call your woman and ask her in your sexiest voice what she is wearing and she purrs and whispers: "My lacy black boy shorts and see through robe"! You need to understand, it is more likely that she is wearing a snuggie (now in designer shades and trend-setting patterns).

29. And now a motivational word from a Ninja:
(I knew that wasn't gonna work...Mime's, Ninja's and Cholesterol are all Silent Killers)

30. The drinking game: Rock, Paper, Scissors......VODKA SHOT.....should alone never be playded aloney.

31. Madame Toussaud finally sent me my wax double. It's fabulous! I can't wait till the next time I have drunken sex! While he is passed out, I will lay my wax double next to him, touch him inappropriately and hide. At some point, before he realizes he's been punk'd, I will start mumbling "I'm melting, I'm melt-t-t-ing!!".

32. The statement: "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!", should never be used at a field sobriety check point.

33. I think maybe this year I am on The Grinch's side, and I have also decided that I am a huge fan of Scrooge (before the mustard induced, enlightened ghost hallucinations, of course).

34. Even with mud on my nose, I don't get invited to play many reindeer games, do you?

35. In high school I had a very handsome stoner friend. One day a group of us were sitting in the bed of his truck drinking and some were smoking weed. He dropped a match on himself and caught his clothes on fire. Being stoned and drunk, we all just stared at the flame. He finally said "Dudes, I'm on fire dudes!". We all laughed and laughed before realizing we might want to put him out. Dudes, those were good times.

36. I don't really think your tractor is sexy. I just said that so you would offer to mow my grass.

37. Crayola should create a color called: Cheeto dust orange.

38. Never eat fruitcake unless a hippie-drunk made it for you.

39. If I marry a Mime can I put him in a glass box anytime I want? That would be a cool perk!

40. This concludes my 40 wanna be meaty chunks of direction and virtual plethora platter of wisdom nuggets post.

You can leave now, my work here is done.

Don't make me get my Ninja.

Mrs. Claus isn't as sweet as you may think...

Click here for the latest update

How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

Love to you and yours on this special holiday!!

New reality show!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling to figure out what the heck I am going to do for living arrangements. I don't have very much time left here and I am a bit worried. I have begun a journal of ideas that would hopefully help me through the first stages of hobo life. I assume those first few months are the hardest, getting used to a new routine and all. I had thought of applying for every reality show possible that offers a place to stay for 8 weeks. But the thought of living in a house with Flava Flav brings me to tears and if the doucheypants Bachelor didn't give me a rose, I may have to spike his celebratory toast after elimination, and then I would end up in jail wearing an orange jumpsuit. FYI: Orange jumpsuits don't look good on anyone, even a Seductress such as myself!

I decided to make my own reality series, I call it:

Last Hobo Standing

There is no doubt in my mind that Mark Burnett will be knocking at my cardboard flap door with Jeff Probst in tow to talk about a contract. There would be a lot of events to test the fortitude of every contestant. We would have immunity challenges such as:

Shopping Cart/Roadkill Bar-B-Q: Contestants must steal a metal shopping cart, build a fire and cook animals found within a mile radius of their "home" underpass on the shopping cart grate. If the judges can not accurately determine what species is being served, and it tastes like chicken, that contestant wins! If maggots are presented with the meal and are not cooked through, the contestant will be immediately eliminated.

The Underpass Roll: In this battle, the contestants will lay vertically under the top of a concrete bridge underpass. The contestants will over time succumb to slumber as this is an endurance challenge. One by one the contestants will fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill, playing "Frogger" with oncoming traffic. The last contestant at the top wins immunity.

Hollywood Hobo: Each hobo will be taken to a gas station bathroom in which to perform a glamorous make-over on themselves. They are expected to bathe, apply make-up and style their hair. They will be given trial sized containers of shampoo and conditioner as well as a bar of soap and a "hobo specific" colored cosmetic palette (camo greens and browns). Each hobo will also be allotted 10 minutes with the air hand dryer to style and dry their hair. A guest judge from the gas station, a trucker named Bubba, will decide who has had the most dramatic change. Not only will the hobo that wins the challenge get immunity, they will also spend the night in the lap of luxury (Bubba's truck cabin).

No Pee Is Good Pee: This is a challenge to test the social game of our players. Each hobo will decide who in the game they would like to eliminate based on their own personal experiences with that individual hobo. The hobo's will then decide who's cardboard box they would like to pee on. The hobo's home with the least urine penetrated walls, wins immunity.

Hamburger Round-up: Hobo's will vie for attention in front of the fast food restaurant of their choice asking for hamburgers. The hobo with the most hamburgers wins.

Extreme Box Make-over: The hobo's will be given free run at a U-haul store where they can take as many cardboard boxes and miscellaneous moving supplies as they can carry. They will then have 24 hours to pimp their box! The hobo with the best diggs wins immunity.

Trash Can Fire: Each hobo will be given a trash can and 30 minutes to collect burning material and start a fire. The hobo with the trash can fire that the most downtown hobo's gravitate to and drink copious amounts of alcohol by, will win this challenge.

At hobo immunity, each hobo has his own trash can fire burning behind him or her. Trash can fires represent life on Last Hobo Standing. When they are voted off, Jeff Probst will dramatically extinguish their fire and say:

The Underpass Hobo's have spoken!

The eliminated hobo will be given a home because it is obvious that they are not able to survive as an actual hobo. The winner gets nothing but the title of :

"Sole Hobo Survivor"

and the bragging rights of being:

The Last Hobo Standing!!!!

Coming winter of 2010!!

Check your local programming guide for channel and times.

Snow Globe

(repost from June 2010)

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, but your grass is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. Outside life be damned,,, I can't see you anymore. I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world.

You all look in and wonder: "What's the glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather, he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving, on gifts received and help that's given. And soon enough,, you're whole again,,, in this bright world we're blessed to live in.

Do you? Can you? Would you?

Can you hear a baby laughing hysterically and not laugh along? I can't.

When YMCA is played, do you have the urge to do all the arm movements no matter where you are? I do.

Can you make thermapudic mattress pad angels any time you want? I can.

Do you dance and sing while holding a fake microphone and driving? I do.

Do you count the stars at night and smile when you lose track and have to start again? I do.

Do you have certain bugs immune to your "kill it" policy like Roly poly's and Grand Daddy long legs. I do.

Would you rather hug someone instead of saying "I told you so!"? I would.

Do you think being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do? I do.

Do you think feeling the sun on your shoulders and nose is like a hug from above? I do.

Do you twist your Oreo's, scrape the center and then put them back together before dipping them in cold milk?

WHAT?????!!!! You DON'T???? What the heck is WRONG with you?

My snow globe world.....

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, your world is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. The outside life be damned, I can't see you anymore, I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world. You all look in and wonder: "What's that glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving,, on gifts received,, and help that's given. And soon enough I'm whole again,, in this bright world,, we're blessed to live in.

Chicken Salad Orgasm

I just watched the fake public orgasm scene that Meg Ryan did whilst eating a sandwich in the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I deduced that this scene needs to be recreated in this century. I would like to recruit all my women followers to reenact this scene with a Biscotti and heavily foamed latte tomorrow at their local Starbucks.

Furthermore my men followers should also recreate their version of this scene at their local Best Buy. This should be done in the plasma screen TV section, in front of the camera that shoots the images of passerbyers to all the display model TV screens in the store.

Everyone that participates should then immediately throw their hands up and shrug at the people that are now gathering around to stare at them and say:

The Invisible Seductress made me do it!!

This has been decreed and so may it be done.

** Please record your participation in the comment section below**

And then fart gun came out...

This is a little post about nothing. This is a little post about a lot... of nothing.. I suppose there is a possibility that you may not want to read about nothing,, but this is me... My nothings are ALWAYS something.

So that's when I was sitting on the couch and the ammo creeped up on me. I wouldn't normally pull out the fart gun as I have my laminated: "Girls don't fart, they ripple the air with their greatness" premier membership card, but this was prime ammo and the moment called for a fart interlude. Nature decided I should serve it up "machine gun style" to my innocent son. So at the right moment I asked the question I always dreaded to hear from my dad:

Well, you know what I think about that?

My dad was not only a member of the NFRA (National Fart Rifle Association), he was the owner! And "Well you know what I think about THAT?" was worse than "pull my finger" because I really did care what my dad thought about things, and always was lured into the thought that he was about to impart an important life lesson on me. I would always scooch up and position my head to listen intently to his sermon from the ass. I was often greeted with these sermons in the middle of a girly drama situation, to this day I feel if I am having a serious talk with someone, they will fart on me. But his farts cleared a room and mine smell like the scraped petals of 1,000 roses, so I think my kids have an advantage here because I deodorize as I cleanse the air from my system.

So I asked the question and got the response "What mamma?" from an eager, listening, innocent, spawn boy child.

I pointed and pulled the trigger and released my rose scented air while laughing jovially at my own redneckedness. I can tell you this: In all my efforts to write stand-up comedy routines and short funny stories, if I never get another laugh like the one my son blessed me with today, I would have heard the best of the best and I know I can retire my funny. It was one of those baby belly laughs that should be bottled and sold. He had me laughing so hard at him, laughing so hard at me, more ammo got inadvertently released into the air, which caused even more laughter.

The room smells great and me and my son bonded over a fart-gun attack today. I encourage you to bond with someone today, and don't blame the dog this time!!

Also just so you did not waste your time reading this post, I would like to offer you an alternative gift option for the person in your life who has everything.

Hot Fudge

Adopt an Alpaca!! You'll get useless monthly newsletter updates on what your Alpaca is doing and help feed less fortunate Alpaca's. You will also receive portions of the Alpaca's shearing for your own usage (because we all know what you can do with dryer and belly button lint, imagine what you could achieve with this!!)!!

So if you can't run down to Alpaca's-R-Us to purchase your own Alpaca like "Hot Fudge" (free delivery through December 24th!!), you can still send the gift of a useless monthly newsletter to someone you love. Yay YOU!!!!

...and today... Hot Fudge did the same thing Hot Fudge does EVERYDAY.. Eat and produce his own Hot Fudge topping for the grasses of our lovely alpaca farm!!

You know you want one!!

Highly Anticipated Interview...Not even Oprah could book them!! Only here on the TIS Blog!!

Welcome everybody to a special edition of:

Behind The Happiest Place On Earth

"Pluto's Pain"

Pluto was created in 1930 and first showed up in the movie "The Chain Gang" as a bloodhound with no name starring adjacent to Mickey Mouse. The lovable dog then showed up in a movie with Minnie Mouse and was called "Rover", but Disney felt the name was too generic and eventually changed it to "Pluto the Pup" in 1931.

He had his first "key" role in 1934 in a movie called "Playful Pluto" when he officially became known as Mickey's dog. He has starred in 48 Disney shorts and continues to be one of the worlds most favorite canines.

Goofy was created in cartoon shorts during the 1930's. The original concept name was "Dippy Dawg"; then his name was given as "George Geef" or "G.G. Geef" in cartoon shorts during the 1950s, implying that "Goofy" was only a nickname. The character's full name was then given as Goofus D. Dawg, a name that was used as early as 1957 in the "Great gawrsh-durn champion".

Disney has needed to deal with a certain amount of confusion concerning the fact that the anthropomorphic Goofy, and dog-like Pluto often appear on screen together, yet are the same species. Disney has stated on their website that "Goofy was originally created as Dippy Dawg " and "was created as a human character, as opposed to Pluto, who was a pet, so [Goofy] walked upright and had a speaking voice".

While Goofy remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, no one has felt the pain of this confusion more than Pluto himself, and today, for the first time, he is ready to openly speak here about this egregious lack of equal treatment.

I would like to welcome Pluto along with Internationally known Dog whisperer and todays interpreter for Pluto; Cesar Milan to the stage.

(Band starts playing: "Who let the dogs out??!!")

(Applause)

Also to clear the air and better start Pluto on a path of well being, we have also invited Goofy.

(Applause)

Goofy, come on out here dawg, that was your cue.

(Staggered applause)

Now Pluto, you were created to be Mickey's best friend and always seemed to thrive in that role, when did it become too much to handle emotionally, or was the inequality shown by Disney always an issue?

(Pluto slides his tongue across Cesar's face, stands on his hind toes, and whispers in Cesar's ear. Affectionately massaging Pluto's ear, Cesar starts to interpret for Pluto who is now thumping his paw on the stage in pleasure from the massage)

He sayze dis is acutely perceptive of you. He and the Mick naturally sustained a mutually beneficial synergy. When Disney placed that stupid bow-tie on the Goof, my Pluto's fragile ego crumbled. I have been working on, I mean with, him ever since. It hasn't been easy trying to rehabilitate Pluto. I've never been so frustrated. I always fulfill their needs. But Pluto became, how do you say, frigid?

Or is it rigid?

(Awkward pause)

(cough)

Uh..Goofy,,, does the fact that you are anthropomorphic make you feel superior to Pluto in any way?

I'm sure Pluto loves cartoons just as much as I do. That doesn't make me superior.

Goofy, please don't act in a condescending way to Pluto, asking him to give you his paw is exactly the kind of behavior that has scarred him for 80 years!

Gawrsh, how else is he suppose to earn his treat? He doesn't know how to play the banjo!

Now Pluto, there were times that I felt Mickey's treatment of you was a little harsh, in one episode he kicked you outside in the snow because you knocked over the Christmas tree.

Never before viewed scene from "Pluto's Christmas Tree"

(Audience Gasps at footage)

We both know the truth was that Chip and Dale knocked that tree over and you were the pawn, were there any other instances where you felt slighted having Mickey as an owner?

Do you have a tissue?

(Cesar moves in closer, wrapping his arms around Pluto's midsection)

This is very traumatizing for my Pluto. Nearly every interaction with that mouse was void of the affection-protection scenario. I offer effusive amounts of nuturance and love to compensate for Mick's sadistic patterns. And I implement these interventions day AND night. We hardly sleep at all.

Goofy. Are you still with us buddy? You seem to be fascinated with seeing yourself in the monitor there..

I don't understand how I can be in the monitor and be sitting here at the same time. I've never understood time travel.

Mmkay then. Pluto, I read the you were Disney's 5th most popular character after Mickey, Donald, Minnie and unfortunately Goofy, that's a pretty fine accolade to have, but do you think if you were created equally with the ability to articulate, walk upright and possibly have opposable thumbs, this would change the popularity standings?

In actuality, he would’ve fallen further in the rankings.

You see, Pluto LIKES being a nudist.

(The audience gasps and whispers stir up)

(Cesar and Pluto Giggle and Blush)

I wouldn't have him- if you get my drift- any other way. Incidentally, he has desired the addition of a human middle finger. I am unclear as to why this is the case, but, I do not question him. I enable Pluto to embrace the dominant role, to make up for his past victimization.

This strategy is necessary for the rehabilitation to work optimally.

Cesar, are you sure you are the appropriate counselor for Pluto?

(Cesar avoids the question and strokes Pluto's paw)

Ok, Goofy, do you feel that's a fair assessment of the situation at hand, er, at PAW I should say?

Ummm...errrr...uhhhh yeah, I have thumbs. My mom said I used to suck them until I was 10. I've tried them recently but I guess they tasted better when I was younger.

I heard of a brief love affair between you and Clarabelle the Cow, who is sadly also anthropomorphic, but Pluto, you swear your heart remains with Dinah the Dachshund. Was this just a twisted rumor or is there any truth to it?

How did you know they got "twisted"? Yes, naturally, Pluto and Clarabelle were intertwined like nobody's business. She's got big utters, that cow. His heart remains with Dinah, this is certain, but Clarabelle offered a wealth of new experiences from which to grow and thrive through energy, mind and emotion.

Kind of like the Holy Trinity.

Yes, uh, she is, um, quite a lovely bovine and,, I'm pretty sorry I asked that question,, so let's move on quickly shall we?

Goof, you have remained single, why do you think that is?

I hope Max is watching or listening right now. Have you ever seen a dog clean themselves? Why do I need someone else when I can do it myself?

I'm sure Pluto can agree with me on this one.

Pluto, I know you have been waiting a long time to confront Goofy in a "Non-Disney" way, do you have anything you would like to say to him? Take your time, this is about healing Pluto.

(Cesar leans in to position his ear by Pluto's mouth, listening contently)

He says, no. He can't be mean.

Well, alright. Hey Goofy, I hear they're making a movie about you. Yeah. It's called Coyote Ugly, the last American Canine Virgin. And guess what else?? I slept with your mama. And she told me you were adopted!

Well, whaddya know,, A-kyuck??!!

And what's with that dumb ass bow tie? I bet it's bigger than your-bleep-bleepin ^&%$@#$^!@!!!!

Goofy do you have any words of encouragement for Pluto? This was a very brave thing for him to confront.

Do not eat yellow snow. It is NOT lemonade flavored!

Gawrsh, I have fallen for that too many times.

Pluto,,,, FETCH!

Goofy, please don't throw that ball, that's once again a display of condescending mannerisms!

You want another treat? Go get it boy!!

No. no, Pluto, I know it's hard but don't CHASE it! It only reaffirms your inferi....

......You're chasing it...

......And bringing it back...

......TO.... GOOFY...

Well, I think this was enough for one day Pluto, let's schedule another show to talk about your litter mates and how the Bitch always treated them better than you!

I'd like to thank all of our guests today:

Cesar/Pluto: Played by the Beautiful and Exquisite: Rawkyn' Robyn!!!

Give her a round of blog love at:

http://Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com

And I hope you saved some blog love for our Casanova, Goofy: Played by the handsome and Lustrous: Powdered Toast Man!!!

Visit his place at:

http://reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com/

I'm The Invisible Seductress and I've been your host for this episode of:

Behind The Happiest Place on Earth

Thank you!!
And remember:
Be good to one another
because

we're really all just ONE species

ON THE INSIDE!!

Goodnight for now!!

(ROUSING APPLAUSE!!)

The Christmas Angel's Curse (repost for those decorating for the Holidays early)

Not actual "cursing angel",
but WTF is this one doing?
(cree-eeepy!)

In 2008 I bought a yard angel for Christmas. It was 4ft of twinkling LED lights and was beautiful. She was calling to me from the box. I got her for 75% off! The plan was to surprise the kids with it on Christmas morning. I would construct the angel and set it high on a table with the small amount of gifts I was able to buy around her.

It had been a rough year on everyone. A week before Christmas we had to put our beloved dog to sleep. We were all traumatized by this. I really just wanted the "magic" and "wonder" of the season to punch us all in the face. I longed for a day of screeching and laughter.

When all the kids were asleep I started wrapping and organizing. My quest was to turn the whole living room into a Christmas paradise by spreading all the gifts and visually enhancing what little I had to work with. Smoke and mirrors basically to woo the kids into the spirit and joy of celebration.

I worked until the wee hours of the night. I ended up having to go in the attic (at night-with the creepy crawlies,, shiver-shake). I wanted to get a box of special Christmas stuffed animals and place them around the room. I do not go in the attic so I was unaware of proper attic practice. When I got up there something brushed my hand and I jumped up. A nail sticking out from the beams popped into my head and I started bleeding profusely. I left the attic in pain and cursing. Blood stained my t-shirt and face. Dust and muck made a home on my hands and knees. My hair was in my face and matted with blood. I was a victim. This was a crime scene of stupidity...... But..... I was able to throw the stuffed animal box to the ground! SCORE!

It was about 3am when I finally opened up my "piece-del-la-resist-ANCE"......THE ANGEL..... (insert a chorus of Hallelujahs here). I am a girl. Mechanically stunted from the womb. But I am a master at improvisation and I can make things work (note: if you ever visit my home do not stand under any heavy hanging decorations, they were hung with a can of corn as a hammer and loom precariously,, waiting for a victim, do not be THAT victim!).

This angel kicked my ass. There were hours of putting one piece on while another fell of. Hours of cursing and reading the directions only to get half done and have it to explode in my hands. Finally, I got zip strips. Certainly zip strips will work, they are almost as good as WD-40, duct tape and vodka!

It was 5am. I came to the conclusion that it was a lost cause. I was tired and achy. I guess the room would have to be done because I was a puddle of mush. I took my sorry self to bed.

It was 5:30 in the morning and I heard the kid's door squeak. I jumped up to stop the holiday snooping. I escorted a beautiful child to the bathroom and answered sweet sleepy Santa questions. I shuffled her back to bed with a kiss.

While I was setting the "squeaky door trap" back, I became determined. I can fix this freaking angel. For the next 2 hours I jimmy-rigged the heck out of the angel. I picked her up, she fell apart. Desperately, I finagled her one last time asking for a Christmastime magic. And there was!

It's a Christmas MIRACLE Charlie Brown!!!!

Gingerly I carried her out to the living room. Put her on the stand and lit her ass up. It was beautiful (at least from the front, ha!).

I stood to admire my handiwork, briefly congratulating my ingenuity.

The presents were scattered around the base. She lit up the whole room with a awe striking icy glow. As I went to my room, the spawns awoke. I could not wait for them to see what I (Santa) had done! We scurried to the living room.

There were gasps. Ooooohhhhhh's and awwwww's filled the festive room.

Merry Christmas hugs and kisses for all!!

Just as all 3 kids settled and sat to open presents, the angel's huge torso fell off her body and landed with a thunder parting the children like Moses had visited. Her majestic lit wings that had previously spread to heaven and glowed with the promise of Christmas, knocked my frightened children to the ground, pinning them like a roided out cage fighter. Many tears flowed, mostly mine.

Fast forward to Christmas 2009!

I decided to get my little Christmas tree out and let the kids decorate it.

The angel sat in its box glaring at me in defiance. I decided I would beat her this year!

I spent 3 hours with wire, wire cutters and hope. Yes, I would be the one screaming Holiday infused profanities at an inanimate object while poking my self with wire and bleeding drops of festive red love.

But alas!!!! I DID finally get her together!!!!!

She seemed stable so I moved her to her base and plugged her ass up once again. The heavens opened up and her light glowed brightly in a wondrous Christmas spectacle.

The four of us stood together hugging and admiring her beauty.

I had beat the Christmas angel!

Ten seconds later, the lights popped and blew out. She had been successfully put together and painstakingly arranged. The LED lights (supposedly made to last longer) were tucked deep inside. Her glow was gone. My glow is gone. She has won yet again!

There is no stinking way I was taking her apart and testing each and every LED light and putting her back together again.

I carried her to the road and threw her onto the concrete.

This time, she didn't break.

She would sit at the curb for some sucker to take her in and rehabilitate her from a life of evil.

Well played Christmas angel, WELL PLAYED!!!!

Put a fork in me...

I'm done.....








Ever feel that way?







I cried because I woke up...




And nothing has changed...




After fighting each battle..none was won..



and more have quarried with the breaking day...




Throw the fake armour down...




we all know you are stronger...



Let's go hand to hand...





heart to heart....



I've proven my "strength"....



I need a reprieve....




others retreat....



I am still running into battle....



alone



with blood for tears....



Am I valiant still for showing weakness?



I don't think so.....



I put my armour down......



and honorably limp away....



to concede to your victory....



At least that's what I'd say if I were in Medieval times and shit, battling measured foe or seething dragon, all while wearing a tightly corseted dress and a pink "cone" Princess hat with tulle coming out of the top, (the dragon scares me less).

Life is a strong adversary, it keeps winning, but I keep honing my survival skills, I just need a day of rest, free of worry, sleeping soundly (or at all for that matter), trying to get my strength back, but it hits everyday, even today already.

THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION...(no, not Jersey Shore's "Situation" this time!!)

I need to go blow bubbles and eat pop rocks...

If you know someone who feels stressed today, stop and hug them. I sure could use one, I bet you know someone who could too..

Sometimes a hug is all it takes to be someones hero!!


And then you are a "HUG-HERO"!!!! So make up a theme song, put on your blue tights and stand in the wind with your cape blowing regally behind you!!


And send me a picture, because I hear you have nice legs!!

Either I am brilliant or seriously deranged,,, you judge...

I wanted to just give up.... but then I realized I have no "UP" to give.... now "DOWN" I have,,, so if any of you want some of it,,, feel free to contact me and I will let you down...

I was also advised that I had to just "LET GO"... but then I wondered what exactly was I going to let "GO" do? What possibly could "GO" have to do that it needs to get permission from me before doing? Are the letters all getting together and getting drunk, having sex and forming new words that make no sense? Is that where Ebonics came from? I don't approve of "GO" doing these things!

I spoke with him, he said he wouldn't go there.

Some people don't like my jokes and say I should just knock "IT" off! But that's rude because "IT" never did anything to me to deserve being "knocked off" of something! But, I couldn't really knock "IT" on could I? I could knock "IT" down, but that seems just as harsh as knocking "IT" off, dontchya think?

So I decided I needed to just let "GO" of "IT"!!

"IT" rebelled and went out with a bunch of letters (clearly not Vowels, actually I believe they were a bit confused, they just wanted to be a constant, consonants, now they are all Emo letters or something).

While "IT" was there getting drunk and having sex, "IT" got knocked up and is forming a new word. "IT" doesn't know who the father of her letter combination is, we think it was "SH"...

We decided "IT" can't raise the new word on her own so we opted to give the new word up for adoption.

So now, I know I can't give "UP", but I am still waiting to give a "SHIT".


I am sorry if you read this all the way down... laughing.....

The Dumbassinator

Why do companies dealing with sales think everyone must talk in monotone and never deviate from the script? Perhaps every human should be outfitted with a teleprompter! (of course this never helps politicians!!).

But that got me to thinking of an invention.

I call it:

The
Dumbassinator

The Dumbassinator is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment used to gain control of rampant stupidity. It is my plan that under strict government mandate, the Dumbassinator will be implanted in the minds of the people who have no business speaking, as they portray none of the traits necessary to actually carry on even the thread of an intelligent conversation. A microscopic chip will be implanted at the base of the carrier's brain (or behind the testicles of male carriers who tend to think only with the appendage).

As the imbecile carrier begins the very short thought process of formulating a sentence, the Dumbassinator will capture the carrier's intended verbiage and send it through an analyzer to determine whether or not it is intelligent enough to be voiced. If it is determined otherwise, a projection of the proper/respectable use of the English language will be displayed on the lens of a pair of fashionable glasses. It is our intention to rehabilitate the carrier so that they can be transitioned smoothly back into daily thought provoking, relevant conversations. Should the carrier be a chronic shit talker, a permanent microscopic screen will be surgically fitted into the carrier's eye. With either approach, by reading the projection, the carrier will then vocalize intelligently and the process is a success.

If however, the carrier decides NOT to use the verbiage assigned in that moment, he will receive a moderately humane shock. The shock collar will continue to pulse and strengthen until such time as the carrier collapses, or speaks properly in the manner suggested by the Dumbassinator. At this point, the conversation continues intelligently and the process has once again been a success.

It was decided at Dumbassinator Inc. to demo the first prototype on Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. In exchange for a Ed Hardy T-shirt, he agreed to wear the device and let us monitor the results and gage the efficiency of the verbal rehabilitation device.

Notice that the style of the Dumbassinator sunglasses
can be decided by the carrier, in this case Smarmy.

Within the first minute, Mike had offered us a "live demonstration" of our product. The Dumbassinator picked up the following sentence formulating:

"There's a bunch of Grenades up in this joint!!"

The Dumbassinator changed the sentence in the following way:

"I need to be sterilized, because I am the biggest Grenade of all!"

The implant was taken out, because it was determined that Mike could not read and therefore he was continually shocked until the chip was removed. However, after also installing the device into the other male Jersey Shore crew, we discovered a side effect that Dumbassinator programmers had not anticipated. It seems when outfitted with our rehabilitation devices, all 4 test dummies developed a disturbing tick: fist pumping.

The female cast also had a staggering side effect after their rehabilitation experience with the Dumbassinator, they turned orange. These carriers opted not let us remove the implants as they enjoyed the side effect and determined that it was worth the shock treatments.

We are reevaluating our product and upgrading some of the options. A newly transitioned model will be introduced in the Spring 2011!! Already in place for testing are Lindsay Lohan, who signed up for free because she just needed the exposure and Paris Hilton, who kept shaking and asking for gum.

Jessica Rabbit wants my chocolate covered carrot!!!!!

Click HERE PLEASE TO CHECK THIS OUT!!!

It's a Game Show where couples that have been together a while answer questions for great prizes!!!!! This week Jessica Rabbit (ohh lala) and Roger Rabbit (meh, not so smart) are playing. The answers are very uh,, original!!!!

Thanks Robyn and Powdered Toast Man for allowing me to play. I play Roger Rabbit, because meh, I'm not so smart!!!

Always

In the little moments you remember; things that will be, will be. Patience and the strength of perseverance, are sometimes hard to find. Lately there has been constant change and chaos. When you have done all you can and you find yourself seeking/needing for more, incessantly fighting, it physically hurts. I know worrying about everything has been effecting me physically, I feel it. My blood pressure ran 197/128 at the store today, I assume it is a straight reaction to stress, it has stayed high like this. I will sit and try to remain calm for a while.

I will focus on a very simple little thing, that became a huge inspiration for the day.

My son crawled into bed with me last night, and even though I am normally don't allow him to do that (because I thought I needed the solitude), I think now I was wrong. When you don't sleep things fade and you feel a hopeless ache. With him there, I hear the repetitive sounds of breath from someone so dear and the promise that I will see his smiles, if I just get through the night.

This morning as I counted the time down for the alarm to go off, I stretched my arm over to rub Traxx's back. He slowly started to wake and nestled in closer to me. He laid his arm on top of my face and then put his cheek against my head. He stayed there, just calm, for a long while, hugging me, until he whispered:

"Mommy, you are my Princess."

I said "Yes, I am, are you my King?"

"Always"

And with that, another day full of questions started.

Somethings will ALWAYS be, and for those, we should be thankful.

Think what you will. Judge if you want.This is the sad reality..

This gets personal. This gets real. I hope to still have some respect after I share this with you.

If you feel loved and financially secure, hug your family and thank the stars above tonight!!


I am thankful. Thankful that after months of trying I was offered a job. Very Thankful.

BUT

After being out of work for severe medical issues, having my credit ruined, having the State of Florida come after me for Child Support (because well, you can't take care of kids while in the hospital) and when your Ex DOES take care of them (because he could afford to and was NOT in the hospital), and then he needs Food Stamps, the State comes after the deadbeat mom (me) who because of her health, was out of a job and not able to physically take care of the kids and then is struggling financially (because she's a loser).

But they WERE taken care of by their father (and me). If the situation was in reverse I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR HIM IF HE WERE SICK.

But I have no help around here. It's just me, just my income, and I need another surgery (woohoo). I am thankful that now I have a job. Very THANKFUL, I will rock it out,, but listen to this folks: Because the banking industry can't see past the medical collections on my credit report and see that BEFORE my health crashed, I was "A" credit,,, they won't hire me, even with 21 years experience IN BANKING and a proven success record!

So I start out low man on the totem pole (which I am not too proud to do, work is work). I start out at $8.oo an hour and hope for commissions.

I also do not get paid during the training portion.

Here's a rundown of what that looks like:

Working 40+ hours a week

-240.00 Daycare
-245.00 Car
-60.00 Car Insurance
-120.00 Electricity
-55.00 Water/sewage
-55.00 Cell Phone
-29.00 Computer (expendable bye BLOGGER,,,, sniffle)
-375.00 Child Support
-50.00 Court appointed Insurance for girls
-35.00 T.V. (expendable)


1228.00 Monthly income (assuming 4% tax)
- 1264.00 Bills
___________
(-)36.00
+64.00 (add back in expendable non necessity expenses)
______
=$28.00 A month????

Wait!!!!! Where's gas, food, housing, (Oh, yes, my house in foreclosure because I couldn't pay while I was out of work, I get kicked out sometime this year), how about misc items????

Wow, that looks bad!!

With Unemployment

1200.00
-1264.00 Bills
+240.00 Childcare (I'll be home)
+64.00 (add back in expendables)
________
=240.00 A Month + gas savings

AM I LOSING $212.00+ a month for WORKING?????

I WANT TO WORK AND DO THE RIGHT THINGS!!!!!

Unemployment helped me and I am so thankful. It will be stopping in 3 weeks and this was the only job that panned out. How am I supposed to find a place to live and take care of children on $28.00 a month(- gas and misc)?

And paying Child Support for those reasons? I am a great mother, I do not deserve that!!

I give up....

I would make a Happy Hipster Hobo....But what about Traxx? And my girls?

Where is my spark of light at the end of this tunnel?