Sunday, October 10, 2010

Wanna play a game (she asks while innocently drawing circles with her toes in the sand)

Of course you do!!

Why wouldn't you?

You have nothing to lose!!

Let's call it:


What do you think happened?

one question Pictures, Images and Photos

(cliche game show music is playing in the back ground as Monty Hall walks up wearing a light blue tux with with dark blue ruffles and gaudy silver cumber bun, I ask him to leave because he always creeped me out a little but mostly because he owes me a parting gift.)

happy nervous girl Pictures, Images and Photos

So this one time (years after this one time I was at band camp,,,), I was invited to meet some people and some of them were....... (dramatic pause)........ men!!!! As always, I was nervous. I just don't get this dating thing, this was when I was pretty new at it and I thought men actually could be nice to me..... This was also when I reverted back into that gangly looking pre-teen with arms two times the length of her torso and stringy pieces of hair stuck to her lips with bubblegum lip gloss. (No it was NOT last week!! And that was WATERMELON GLOSS anyways....geeze!).

I dolled up. My tummy was twisting and turning so I drank a large bottle of Pepto Bismol. It was a "blue" night, which means I was using blue as an "accent" color (jewelry, make-up, even D&G "Cool Blue" perfume,, I know no-one would know my perfume "matched" but I did...it's a "girl" thang, but mostly it's part of the symptoms of my insanity, along with dancing with no music and talking to specs of dust like Horton the Elephant)

I had given myself this funky fun blue nail polish and matching toes and had decided to show off my perfect piggies in a pair of peep toe sandals.

I was to be fabulously, fabulous this night!!

But......

I was early and still very nervous. My fantastic peep toed shoes were by the door, I was ready.

Me being early and nervous is a bad thing. I can't just sit and wait while nervously twiddling my thumbs,,, and I don't pace,,,,, I must DO something,,,, which usually means an inappropriately timed and totally unnecessary "rearranging of the furniture" ceremony.

And there,,,, on the other side of the living room,,,, it was,,,, staring at me,,,, The chest. The "too heavy for any one person to move" chest,, The WAY too heavy for one GIRL to move chest.

The awkward, bottom heavy, just fine where it was - chest.

"What if I moved the chest 3 feet to the right?" I thought...

"What if I shifted the (also too heavy for one person to move) couch?" I further reasoned about the decorating quandary before me...

"I could nudge over the (almost too heavy for one person to move but I can handle it) love seat back a few feet!" I deduced....

"This room would look FANTASTIC!!!!" I stated while placing my hand over my chest in reverence to my genius....

I jumped into action and sprinted across the room to start my journey of floor plan magic.

And then it happened.

The chest raped my big toe of it's dignity AND it's sparkly toe nail "apparel"!!

I stood in shock with the open mouth face of pain and an squeaky irritating cry. The beautifully sparkled blue toe nail saluted the ceiling in defiance of my authority and the laws of proper big-toe nail positioning/etiquette.

But what would come of my fantastic peep toe sandals that completed my outfit? Would the general public be robbed from marveling at my spunky shoes and matching painted piggies?

The gushing blood stopped my dramatic "inter-head narration" of the situation. I retrieved a few band-aids and covered the toe with a band-aid cast... And now... I was late.... There was no time to re-evaluate the shoe situation... The flesh tone band-aid made my big toe look like a amputated stump. This did no justice to my other perfect toes, my shoes, or my masterfully choreographed attire.

But alas.. I had a plan...

The band-aid looked so much like skin,, maybe I could paint a "faux toe-nail" with the fingernail polish!!! (feel free to use this helpful fashion tip if you need to)

GENIUS!!!!!

And it worked!!!! It was a masterpiece worthy of the finest of trompe-l'eol artists.

Fabulous!!!

I went to jet out to 'da-club!! Because that's how I was rolling that night.

(But had to go throw up a gallon of Pepto Bismol first..*shrugs* nerves )

But then I was out like sauerkraut!!

So, what do you think happened??

Nope, that's NOT it!!

Here goes...

I was doing OK. The guy they all wanted me to hook up with was really cute and my adorable stumbling of words, nose sweating and gleeking in his general direction was reeling him in (I am sure).

We glided over to the dance floor.

Me flouncing around in convulsions on the floor did not even deter him (gluttons for punishment are so cute!)... So, I decided I needed to hand my purse to a friend to avoid injuring myself or him when I really "break it down" in my "stage two" dancing performance.

<span class=
I taught Carlton everything he knows!!

I excused myself and walked over to her with a wink and a smile and turned around to see my "supposed" guy and 3 other guys on the dance floor bending down looking at something laying on the floor with a confused sort of WTF look on their faces.

I glanced at my big toe.. Aggggh....

My breathing hurried... Heart beating faster.....

I glanced at the dance floor in horror.. Agggggh!!! No F'n way....REALLY???

There in the middle of the floor with a beam of light shining on it, was my perfectly painted, blue prosthetic big toe band-aid and a group of men that decided (after they couldn't figure out what the heck it was) to kick it to the side of the dance floor.

I freaked a little,,, how embarrassing!! And all you would have to do is look down to know it was mine,, no one wears fantastical sparkly blue polish like me.. I decided to leave.

(after throwing up more Pepto Bismol *shrugs* pepto sucks!).

I laid in bed that night thinking that if he were actually "Prince Charming", he would have picked up that perfectly painted blue prosthetic big toe band-aid and searched the land far and wide to find the ONE AND ONLY perfect big toe it would fit on.

And then we would live happily ever after.

I never saw PC or my perfectly painted blue prosthetic big toe band-aid again.

I miss the band-aid.

8 Seducing Deductions:

Sir Thomas said...

wow.... how do you do it...

off to serch for the blue holy grail...

Marlene said...

My big toe is hurting from reading this!!! It's no match for my tummy, however, which is hurting from laughing so hard!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh, hon, I'm sorry you went home without your prosthtetic toe. That was ingenius of you. Dumb bandaids that don't stick when they're supposed to!
Hugs! xoRobyn

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm not sure if I should casually mention what little men do to get ready for an evening out or just state I'm grateful I don't have to do that anymore...

Did the chest ever get moved?

Crunk said...

If you and I ever had kids together, they would be THE most clumsy, unlucky, unfortunate and general masters of the art of FAIL ever to exist!

I love you, but I think we should hold off kids rather than them taking to a bell tower with an AK because we both passed on the fail gene.

Great post IS. Very funny xxx

Georgina Dollface said...

Oh my! I have a fear of used band-aids. Add that my fear of errant toe-nails and your fake blue nail would have had me clearing the dance floor and calling the haz-mat team. No offense to you and your toe. Does your funny bone live in your big toe? ('Cuz this was a funny post!) - G

Copyboy said...

This is what I get for choosing curtain #1. haha. Great post.

Monkey Pickles said...

great work for keeping up with your blog !!! Im so proud.. it seems like only yesterday messing around in the blogger forums..

Post a Comment

Every time you leave a comment, The Seductress gets a tickle!!

giggle, snort....and maybe she pees a little...but it's still cute....really...