I have lost a lot of readers, it bothers me a little although, I understand. My posts have been very sporadic and tempered lately. I know it's hard to read negative stuff all the time and even harder when you want to help and can't. So I have not been posting as normal because of that. I hate Debbie Downers and I certainly don't want to be one, but when my reality screams, it's hard to walk away from that. Sometimes just the simple act of writing my posts helps me, giving me a sense of release, so forgive me if I lull on sometimes. I wanted to share this post because it meant a lot to me.
Children should not worry. Well, not about big life stuff anyways. My dad always tried to shelter us from the things that were really going on "behind the scenes". My childhood had a lot of extra stresses. I think some kids are more resilient and don't really ever notice things are changing around them or, they act like they don't to internalize it. Then there are the ones who start "holding" the worry for the family to themselves, I did this, growing up before my time. You tend to feel everyone else always matters more than you do and you must do anything you can to help every situation get better. If you can't, you feel you have failed. I have failed a lot lately.
I want my childhood back. I don't want my kids to feel their childhood was lost because of the crappy things happening right now. "Normalcy" in and of itself is what I want. We will overcome all of this, and the new road will be fresh and exciting.
I have tried to hold back as much as I can from my kids, but to be a responsible well balanced person, sometimes you must see the struggle and help fight it to understand it fully. I want my kids to have all of what they need and some of what they want, but they must understand that there is a price for everything and even the smallest things of things are not to be taken for granted. If nothing else I hope my struggle teaches that lesson.
The other day I received notice of the foreclosure sale date on my house (Nov 17). I began to walk away as I opened the confirmation of what seems to be inevitable at this point. I also received notification that my license would be revoked if I did not pay child support. What is to be done when both parents are struggling? Both needing help with food for the children. Should we cancel the help? He says he can't afford to do that. I have to trust that he can't and would not want him to jeopardize their needs. He filed and the State of Florida wants me to pay them back even though I am still searching for a job, need another surgery and have another child at home. It is my responsibility to take care of them and right now I feel so low because I can't. I fail. There is no income coming into the house. I apply for jobs and pray and apply and pray and take care of my kids the best I can.
I walked to my room and broke down that day, DramaGirl knew. She tried to come to my rescue with hugs and matching tears. I didn't want her to see me like that so I immediately went in "joke" mode. She knows what is going on but also knows that she will never be without a place to stay or the things she needs, me and her dad will make sure of that, but that is not good enough for her, she wants more.
We have had this talk many times before, she daydreams and thinks that Extreme Home Makeover should save the house for me. Sweet, simplistic innocence is a wonderful thing! My oldest states: "well if they fix it up, mom would still lose it". She is right at this point. But I also take the time, each time, to tell them to listen to the "back story" of the show. It is about people beating the odds and finding extraordinary ways to help their community even while in peril. It's about people overcoming life shattering disease and odds. Adopting and raising the kids that society throws away. Or battling a disease or mental limitations in their own family. It's about Moms and Dads who fight for our freedom and secure our safety without concern for their own. It is about sacrifice, a show acknowledging the unsung heroes. I tell them that I am not that. I want to be, but I am not, we can all learn and model ourselves around the dedication of people like these, they deserve good fortune, we all do, but let them get theirs first!! I have said this many times to them, they understand.
That night when she was supposed to be sleeping, she came out of her room to read me a short letter written in blue crayon to Ty Pennington of Extreme Home Makeover.
I am a hero to at least one person in this world it seems, DramaGirl. That is all it takes to make me smile today, being a hero to your kids is a great accomplishment. You can tell she loves me and has watched me try and do better, the letter makes me cry,,, she consoles me,,, again. This is not in her job description as a kid, she should be breaking things and making messes (she is very good at that too!). She is also the kid that every time I go/went in the hospital, forced her classmates to sign get well cards for me. She is a sweet sweet girl.
I will type the letter exactly as she wrote it, misspells and all:
Please help my familly so my mom wont have to live on the streets. my mom is getting yet another surgery and she has no money. shes always helping people and serenading laugter. she fed the homeless and helped a little girl. please help us : ( before the house gets for closed.
To our children, sometimes the simplest things we do, seem (in their words) "epic". They pick up on even the most basic of humanitarian things we do that we may shrug off as nothing. We are teaching them through our actions. If you do the best you can and give all of what you have to offer, they will see in you, what they want to be, even if you don't see it. I don't see it now, but DramaGirl does!!!
I am a hero..... because..... I serenade laughter..... I think that f'n rocks!!!! What a beautiful sentence that is.
There are many heroes here at blogger that bring me smiles everyday!! I thank you all for that!! And for sticking with me!!!
I will sing to you tomorrow with verses of laughter...