It was OUR anniversary and I totally missed it!!!!!!!

Oh crap, really?? I missed our anniversary? We were supposed to make wordy blog love for hours and hours as you tell me how smooth, soft and un-supple my words are and how you have always visualized me sitting in a small white room with tastefully button-tufted padding on the walls wearing a Circus Peanut bikini while sloshing around in a bucket of un-tastefully colored sparkles and singing the green olive theme song while typing fantastical posts filled with magically delicious content (I know you didn't know there was a theme song, and that's OK, I have a tolerance for green olive ignorance). It would have been blogasmic. We would have shared multiple blog-o-gasms of laughter and hilarity.

But I missed it.

It was October 1, 2009 that I busted in on the Blogger scene with posts about Manatee poop and Spam. I look back on where I was then and where I am now and painfully conclude:

I am still 100% insane. YAY!!!!

But there must have been lessons learned over 365 days of life, right?

So this week I will go back over a few posts to see what I have learned and more importantly what vital lessons in life I may have taught you as a fledgling follower, you should take notes as I am sure this written montage or "blog-prom" (if you will) of my blog greatness will spark many a fond memory of our time here together. And I even made you a gift for the dance!!!! A green olive corsage for my ladies and a green olive Boutonniere for the gentleman folk.

Note: Please don't say the olives look like alien boobs,
I am aware of this.

Print the appropriate adornment out on a color printer, cut carefully on perforated lines (ask an adult for help unless you have round-tip scissors) and affix it to your clothing with duct tape or super-glue while you read this week to get the maximum interactive blog enjoyment whilst traveling down memory lane.

Welcome to:

What I have learned from the Seductress
a study guide
Day 1

Pooping

There are a many posts about my children's ability to clog my toilet with their Smurf sized droppings and toilet paper misuse. There are even posts where said Smurf sized poop fell over the edge of the overflowing loo and landed squarely on Seductress feet, I even accentuated your reading pleasure with a very accurate *Onomatopoeia's to further demonstrate the sound of a dropping Smurf sized poop, I believe the most commonly used *Onomatopoeia was "WOMP!!".
*special acknowledgment to Georgina Dollface for reminding me what a great word Onomatopoeia is in a recent magnificent post of hers!

Lessons Learned From Post

• When dealing with a situation that toilet overflow is imminent, it is always advisable to utilize the "frisk me" pose while raping the pot with a plunger.
  

• The Seductress is excellent at interjecting sound effects that make you feel like you are part of the action.

Dating

There were also some posts on dating that offered a realistic viewpoint on how sucky the men in the Seductress' town are. One to be remembered is the man who spoke in monotone for 2 hours about how he trained his bird to whistle for his dog and the hilarity that ensued each time the bird acted upon the specialized training. He did this while chewing with his mouth wide open and sporting a dab of mayo on a very sparse soul patch.

Lessons Learned From Post

• To some men, cocking your head while staring in their general direction (in this case at a condiment laden soul patch) with drool coming out of your mouth, is a sign of a fully engrossed date primed for a sexual interlude, use caution.

• Sparse soul-patches are even grosser than overly successfully curly follicular soul-patches.

Gratuitous Soul-Patch Illustration

Being Safe While Intoxicated

Sometimes I shared the happenings of nights when alcohol clouded the intelligence lobe of my brain. But mostly when alcohol clouded the intelligence lobe of a friend's brain (which is normally already hindered by the fumes of hairspray inhaled while getting ready to cloud the intelligence lobe of their brains with alcohol). My pal "CrimeScene" (as she is known on this blog) always offers a unique experience in night festivities. Being that I am always the one to remain sober and assume the position of the "gotta go" girl, I have an interesting perspective when a commercial tells you to "Drink Responsibly" because my friends NEVER do! I taunted the importance of always having a good "gotta go" friend with you when you partake in the Devil's mouthwash in many a post.

Lessons Learned From Post

• Being 4'11" and hanging out with a considerably taller, well endowed, drunk friend wearing a black shirt is comical because when you pull her arms over your shoulders to drag her out of a building full of testosterone, her large tits (that end up resting on your head) make you look like Mickey Mouse (see illustration below).

• Every man hates the"gotta go" girl with a passion.

NOT the happiest place on earth!!

Stay tuned for more of our "blog-prom" this week where we will go over the importance of Sporks and Spam in a civilized society,,, or not.

But tomorrow is dedicated to my friend Alex and his awesomeness...