I almost won the lottery!!...Fo Shizzle!!

Gratuitous "lucky cat" illustration
for my women followers

Gratuitous "lucky cat" illustration
for my men followers

YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

I have never played the lottery. It's not that I think it's really stupid or anything, I just never have done it. I take warnings seriously, like: "Do not curl hair while taking a bath", someone has already tested this out for me and apparently the outcome was not so desirable. So, "play the lotto responsibly" seems like a good suggestion, too. But,, I was thinking,,, I have had every color of Crapola Crayon in my crayon box lately, except "money green". Wouldn't it be plausible to think that the very first time I play, I win?

I mean Karma and luck eventually have to stop throwing up on me, right? (just nod your head and smile)

I wouldn't even change if I won, I would be more giving and less stressed and feel like I could breathe knowing my kids would be secure (but there would be a new Dodge Challenger with racing stripes in my driveway, I would give the Zhu Zhu car to charity, and I would have a temperature controlled green olive cellar and a sparkle vault, I deserve a sparkle vault dammit!!!).

Yes, I could be so lucky!

So I decided one day, spur of the moment, while I was getting gas, that I would buy 2 lotto tickets. And then I would grasp at every moment with anticipation waiting for the whorish looking lotto gal to roll my balls (that last sentence would make you laugh if I were a guy, right?). But having never purchased lotto tics before, I knew I had to play it all "suave like" with the clerk, I was cool and casual. I did a smooth rendition of: "$20 on pump 5!", and then Bam-O,, I throw in: "And 2 lotto tickets" while gesturing with a cocky over-secure head nod in the general direction of the lotto display area, capping the performance off with: "please, sir".

He knew I was a seasoned playa'. He was obviously in awe of my intuition of hitting a big lotto score. I am sure he felt humbled in my presence.

{{{{{sherereeop, sherereeop}}}}} (that is the sound of my winning tickets being dispensed, I am sure regular lotto buying people recognized it).

I then proceed to swipe my card in the thingy and I get reprimanded just a little harsher than seemed necessary by the clerk:

"YOU CAN NOT BUY LOTTO WITH PLASTIC!!!!"

"NO PLASTIC!!!!"

And he slams his fist on the plastic display case sending a shiver up my spine.

I felt like I was kicking a puppy or something, a really really cute puppy,, really dude, the veins on your forehead bulge FOR THIS?????

"Plastic-NO LOTTO!!" He reiterates with a shower of spit to accompanying the words this time.

I step back, a lotto virgin with her innocence raped,,,, my tickets tossed to the side of the register so harshly I could hear their cries of pain. I drop my head low in recognition of my sins and then weakly I continue:

(sniffle) "$20 on pump" ( I look outside straining to see the pump) "what was it, pump 5 right?"

"PUMP 5,, YES!!

The pissed off Dr. Suess character from the clerk's schizophrenic list of actors apparently joined the conversation at this point, as he added:

"YES,, PUMP 5!!"

I am discouraged and humiliated,,,, but then,,,, as minds that have lacked proper oxygen at one time or another often do, I start obsessing as I take the walk of shame past the Slim-Jims and Cheez-doodles.

What if that WAS the winning ticket.. And I have to go back and get it.. Karma is playing a trick on me and I have deciphered it, damn you Karma,, you are a tricky beast,, but not this time..... No,, not on MY watch!!! (only it didn't sound so cavalier and cool in my head, it was more squeaky than defiant)

But then,,,
(again)

What if that WAS Karma, in fact, saying something completely different? Something like: "buy the tickets at another vendor, my beautiful, sweet, sparkliscious creature of fantasy!!", and then THOSE would be the winning lotto numbers,, Yes, I think this sounds more like Karma, witty and anti-social with a dash of sarcasm and angst and an appreciation of all things sparkly..

The NEW ticket will be the winning ticket, it HAD to be, Karma is dancing in my face letting me know, Karma does love me!! ( I dance along with Karma for a few moments, it is both energizing and choreographed to "needing slouchy pink leg warmers and green tights" perfection, until I decide to go a different route and step up the dance with a torn white t-shirt, a chair and cold water, emulating that "Flashdance" scene precisely)

This was me..

This is a sign,, I MUST go to another vendor and buy the tickets, but which one Karma?? Which one?? I whisper now softly to Karma for a sign: "Could it be the vendor with the dairy queen? Cause that would be cool Karma!! It's like you would be serving up a blizzard and a bazillion!! Yes, Karma, I hear you, you want me to have a blizzard as a prelude to my life changing winnings!!"

But,,, I didn't get the tickets,,, and I didn't get the blizzard,,, turns out I only had enough money for toilet paper.

Today,,, as my children wipe their rears with my hopes and dreams..

What do I do??

..........well,,, I,,, I cry with each flush.....