Thursday, October 28, 2010

It started with a fart....

Last night was a rough night. It started out OK. I had decided to go to bed early as I have been having headaches. The kids and I fell asleep at the same time, it was about 9:30. (I know, I know, I am one wild and crazy gal!! ( I say in my best Steve Martin voice).

I ended up having a nightmare. I was in a long hallway of a place I did not recognize, it was all a sparkling shade of white. I was scared for some reason and could not focus correctly on anything. Then I saw something smallish walking towards me wearing a red felt robe. It was some kind of creature walking on it's hind legs and I decided it would be smart to pick it up since I could not focus on what it was (dumb). I pick it up, pull it closer to my eyes and see that it had a weird deformed human face, red curly hair and a brown and white guinea pig body. It was terrifying so I dropped it and it made a harrowing "THUD" on the ground (which at this point had turned into AstroTurf...WTF?????).

It then shed the robe and made that guinea pig squeaky noise while running away on all fours. It would stop to look back at me and poop ping-pong balls. It was like: weeeeeee, weeeeee, squeaaaaak, (poops ping-pong balls) (stares at me) weeeeeee, squeeeeeeeak (poops, poops) stares...... it tries to run out of view, but keeps slipping on the Astro turf (which apparently now is wet). Now it starts slamming back and forth into the walls like the Atari video game "pong".

That's when all heck broke loose at the Seductress house.

I hear the loudest sleep-fart I have ever heard. It wakes me from my nightmare into another one that is my reality.

This is what happens:

A sleep-fart bellows from DramaGirl's ass in the next room over, I sit straight up sweating from my memory of the "Carrot Top-esque" guinea pig that shat ping-pong balls at me.

MsDebate screams at DramaGirl:

"Oh----MY-----GAWD!!!! THAT----IS-----DISGUSTING------REALLY????!!!!!!!!

DramaGirl who had miraculously slept through the volcanic eruption coming out of her rear, now gets woken up by MsDebate's rendering of judgement. This startles her. I hear the gasp of fear come out from DramaGirl and know to wait for the rumblings of an over-dramatic Oscar worthy performance (which starts with a low cry that quickly elevates when she decides she has to carry her lazy "offending butt" into my room for my comforting mommy arms).

I hug her as my heart starts to move into a regular rhythm. She goes to my bathroom and as I lay, I hear many rounds of encore farting. I deduce that she is dropping a bomb and realize that I will have to get up soon and help diffuse an overflowing toilet. I lay (waiting for the end) staring up at the ceiling as she apologizes about pooping (which is sweet in a weird way). I console her and beg of her not to use too much toilet paper and maybe I won't have to plunge at 2:30AM!!

I then hear Traxx ambling down the hallway whining. I speak to him but he does not answer and continues in the bathroom where DramaGirl is busy polluting the air.

He is still asleep at this point and drops his dinosaur skivveys quickly to relieve himself. DramaGirl realizes she is about to be pee'd on and screams (again in an over-dramatic way).

This wakes Traxx who now does his own rendition of an Oscar worthy crying performance, but he also has to pee very badly. He is a tired little boy, and is mad that his toilet is covered with sister! I have to pick him up (drippy, dangling member and all) and run to the other bathroom with him begging him to hold it. Thankfully he makes it, but is too upset to go back to his own bed because now, he is scared the "Nonsters" are gonna get him. He climbs in my bed and spends the rest of the night unconsciously slapping me around whilst I try to get back to my guinea pig nightmare, which in retrospect, was better than my reality nightmare.


sigh

18 Seducing Deductions:

Sir Thomas said...

ok now i'm sorry to worry...

one of these days you are going to pop into one of your dreams for real.... I think or was this real... *shrugs*
scary..

MJenks said...

Yep, that tops my many nights of insanity. But then, I only have two kids, and I don't know if either of them dream fart.

Now I wonder if I do.

No, scratch that.

I wonder HOW MUCH I do...

diane rene said...

I'm sorry, but I'm laughing so hard I can't see through the tears. I am so glad I don't have my make up on now.

I know. it's NOT funny. but yet, it is. and it sounds just like my house, except it is usually hubby with the volcanic farts and me almost peeing on him because he has fallen asleep on the toilet and I refuse to open my eyes as I feel my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry. I'm done now. just know you are not alone.

Copyboy said...

I literally peed in my you know what reading that pee/fart story. Sorry

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh hon, you had me laughing louder than ever on this one! I love this and you and the fact that I am childless. This could serve as the most effective birth control ever. Sorry, prayers, faith, and wishes for uninterrupted creepy guinea pig nightmares. Hugs too. And olives. Lots of 'em.
xoRobyn

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

That does seem like a scary night - but then I'm quite in love with my sleeping!

Marlene said...

I raced over here as soon as I saw the F word. Fart. It's like this ginormous Marlooney magnet.

"Many rounds of encore Farting" is the seriously the funniest description of anything I've read all day!!! You are a hoot!

D. Scandal said...

And then I say.... maybe I don't need kids? Haha, sounds like quite the eventful night!

Brittany said...

bahahaha the life of a mother :)

what a weird ass dream!

Ca88andra said...

hehehehehe... thank goodness I'm over nights like that! I couldn't stop laughing though - you so need to write a book!

Mike said...

Very interesting! I am not Dr. Freud but I'd love to hear what he would say about your dream. Lol

Clyde said...

Ah, aint motherhood grand

Georgina Dollface said...

Oooh, that sounds awful. I hope she is feeling better and that it isn't some kind of bug. - G

the eternal list said...

BEST...POST...TITLE...EVER...

Heff said...

It's true - "sleep-farts" have NO SHAME.

csmith2884 said...

OMG just too funny, the Traxx part had me in tears.

Powdered Toast Man said...

oh I so wanted him to pee on her. That would of made for a better story. Good stuff.

mac said...

FuNNy !

But, could Drama Girl really have been over dramatic in that situation?
I mean, imagine that your little brother is about to pee all over you. What would you do? Yep, there can be no over dramatic at that point ;-)

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