Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why I will never have sex again, By: The Blogger formerly known as : The Seductress

I know why I am single now. It is all perfectly clear and I am at peace with this (cough). I need to share this with you other sangle gals, so you'll understand (if you have this affliction) why he won't put a ring on it (cough).

I had a friend try and explain it to me. I say HAD because,well, see below... She said I was, and will be, single for a long time because:

A. I am old (cough)
B. I have young children
C. I am poor
D. I still have some medical issues

But that's not really it.

And it's not because when I sleep I cover my face up to the tip of my nose, and men might think they're living with a Middle Eastern woman or a quicksand victim on her last breath, nooooo.

Nope, not because I prefer jello vats to hot tubs..

And it's not because they are worried about stray sparkle transfer because sparkles look fabulous on everyone and I am a sparkle professional, so the transfer ONLY happens when you give me butterfly kisses (totally worth the risk!).

No, it's not because I have a green olive fetish and will hand you a jar and cock my head like a puppy hearing a shreak when you don't understand that it IS dinner.

I bet you think it might be because of my authentic renditions of Broadway hits, complete with spastic choreographic moves, at random times (like after laundry is folded or a peanut butter sammie is consumed).

Is it because I have on many occasions slipped in the grocery store whilst pushing a cart only to have the cart fly out of my hands and travel un-attended down the aisles at 50 MPH and knock over huge diplays of cans?

Or the fact that I HATE being poked, but I love TO poke.

Is it because I walk into walls or burn my forehead to medium rare once a week with the curling iron?

Maybe its because I have a 70/30 drop ratio of drinks handed to me at drive-thru windows....

Perhaps it's because I tell bad jokes, but expect you to at least call me a dork when I do.

Do you think it's because when if I ever get a chance to go out, and I do "rocker-chic" hair I really could use a Wagner power sprayer for hairspray application?? (well maybe)..

Is it because I am a geek and would happily watch retro cartoons all day??

No, the reason I am single was explained to me appropriately by one of my favorite comedians.

He said that Megan Fox was undateable because she has:


And that......


(Looking down at my thumbs sobbing) ......

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3 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

Big toe thumbs? But I'm sure those must be handy for something. *cough*. I love your self-deprecating humour. That in and of itself should cancel out the 'misery' of having to live with someone who has big toe thumbs. Besides, if I had to be stranded by the side of road with someone, I'd pick you over someone with dainty thumbs. Just sayin'. - G

Slyde said...

so does that mean that you have thumbs that looks like toes, or toes that look like thumbs?

Anonymous said...

oh NO...

can I see them?

maybe from years of dipping in pickle jars looking for the last olive? I dont know what to tell you.

except Im blind and if it does not cause you to run then your fingers won't cause me too...

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