Wednesday, March 9, 2011

STILL..Poor as a church mouse with a dirrrty conscience remix....

I am. Yep, that's me, a sexy hot mouse, and poor, except no dirrrty conscience because my halo, she is still-a-shinin'!! See it? The pureness that flows from me is inspiring, inspiring me to SNORE!! But let's get back to the whole concept of POOR. I is, and I know I am not alone, I am sure plenty of you (like me) are stealing packs of ketchup, mild taco sauce, and Sporks (just because I love me a good Spork) from Taco Bell, only to take it home and add it to hot water to make Mexican "Spicy" Tomato soup for dinner (nom nom cough spit). Oh you don't? I see. Well I guess that you are not separating two-ply toilet paper then either are you? Hmmmpf. This means that I win the Pathetic Existence Award Frugality Award for 2010!!! (May I suggest a prize package of toilet paper and Campbell's Tomato soup? .. And maybe some crackers and a tube of the New and Improviest Mascara....).

But here are some things I have learned lately being poor... Enjoy them FOR FREE!!!

No matter what you do with bologna it will never taste like steak (or chicken) (or hamburger) (or steak-ums), but it does come close to really stale dried out SPAM-WOOOHOOOO!!

Mascara addiction is a REAL DISEASE, with withdraw symptoms, Dr. Drew won't help me but, I think I'm gonna need a patch

"Kitchen Sink" casseroles should only be attempted by people with culinary prowess

Being poor is a skill no one wants to study or master

Off brand window cleaner sucks

Dish Network with a "limited" channel package is like a S'more with no chocolate

In Florida, putting your air at 78 Degrees yields a ridiculous bill and much glistening

Home Owner Association members NEVER have problems that prevent them from mowing their yards

Walking to the store with a 4 year old to save gas was a good idea.... ONCE

"Fresh" Strawberries in a can are NOT

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Chef BOYARDEE was not a real chef

Things only sell when you want the money to purchase a bigger better thing and not when you need it to survive

It's worth it to buy a decent toilet paper that doesn't disintegrate in your hands

Cheap sliced cheese resembles puss when melted

I miss perfume and sex (they kinda go together in my mind)

Bright nail polish on my piggies still makes me feel spoiled

Paying for things with change irritates people

Shampoo can be mixed with water half/half if you never want your hair to feel clean

Sending a bill for payment with a check you didn't sign (by mistake) only irritates people and gets things cut off faster (the gig is up)

The "Clover Valley" brand at Dollar General tastes GREAT if you cock your head while eating it and think about McDonald's strawberry milkshakes

Dr. Pibb should kick Dr. Thunder's ass for the assumption of similarity

Short story time kiddies!! Gather 'round!!

When you work at a bank, it is common for non-customers to come in without ID wanting to cash a check drawn on the bank. They will almost always say:

" But, I need the money to go GET an ID!!"

The other day I passed Walgreens and they had a Blood donor truck there. They were offering a $10 Walgreens gift card for a donation. I tried to give but was turned away because of my low iron levels.

This is the method I used with the Blood bank girl:

"But, I need the money to go GET Iron Infused Multi Vitamins!!"

She was a smart one though, not falling for my scheme..

"can I just have a cookie then?"


"fashionable Red Cross logo apparel??"

"A letter of recommendation to give blood in the future?"

(awkward silence)

"Don't call anyone, I'm leaving"

(on the way out)

"Dammit kids, there goes our 150 packs of Ramen Noodles!!"

free hugs Pictures, Images and Photos
While supplies last!!

I hope your day is rich with smiles and hugs and Green Olives!!! ...and maybe some SPAM!!!

10 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

You know what else those free packets of ketchup are good for? Polishing copper. Yup, much cheaper and more effective than anything you could buy in the store. And if you go to a fish and chips shop, you can score some vinegar, which works much better on windows than any store brand. Salt = abbrasive for scrubbing. Just think of all the FREE cleaning products just waiting for you at the 7-eleven! - G

Anonymous said...

How will you get my free hugs to me? I'm open to suggestions?

Chef BOYARDEE was not a real chef? Oh shit there goes all my training down the drain…

I miss perfume and sex, what hand in hand… I will bring the perfume if you bring the other…. Just sayin…

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to laugh on behalf of your current lack of funds, but that shit was funny!

Shall I send you some perfume and hopefully it will attract sex?

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

So many are in similar circumstances, but you add such much needed humor to it! Thanks for that.

The Urban Cowboy said...

Another frugal tip...hydrogen peroxide is the best teeth works better than the strips, and is MUCH cheaper. Mix it 50/50 with water.

Autumn said...

your posts are so lively and entertaining! i'm joining you to the poorgirl section. somehow i manage to make it through each month, and i've decided late bills aren't something i can spent too much time lamenting about anymore. i can handle some of the no name or store brand items, but absolutely MUST have the right tp. there are some things too important to cheap out on.

i also miss perfume. my scent of choice is "clinique happy". i also miss waxing. *sighs*

a friend of mine once told a bill collector on the phone "buddy, it's like this, i put all the bills in a hat. i choose one, and that's what i pay now. i'll let you know when your bill comes up." hahaha!

Heff said...

Actually, I only steal the HOT taco sauce...

The Invisible Seductress said...

Georgina- Who knew?? I need more tips...;}

Sir-Laughing!!! Hugs don't travel to well do they?? You're spicy today! I like it!!

Snafu- I hoped someone will laugh- and think of me when they have nice toilet paper--wait--no-that's not right,,, ;}

Mama- No problem, my life is hilarious, it keeps!!

Urban- Will have to try that...wink

Autumn- I love "Happy" too!! sighs.....and waxing...sighs..:9 soon we'll be fine though, jut a feww bumpy spots first!

Heff- That sounds right, I'm too much of a wimp..You should steal sporks too...

Ca88andra said...

If I wasn't smiling before, I am now! Do you really still clean the windows? Seriously? I have to confess that I have not cleaned a window in this house yet and I've been here 4 years. Think of the money I'm saving! And perfume does not necessarily go hand in hand with sex - I know this because I do have some perfume and have also been celibate for 7 years now - not by choice!!! Hugs xo

Toyin O. said...

What a funny post, thanks for sharing.

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