Monday, March 21, 2011

Cheese and Kites!! But not really......

Listen.... Don't you hate when someone says "listen" before a statement? Because if I wasn't, listening that is, wouldn't even saying "listen" before speaking BE a mute point within itself?? And can a point even BE mute? Dull or POINTLESS maybe,, but mute?? But, I digress.

My life OFFICIALLY sucks!! But this is GOOD news because when your life UN-OFFICIALLY sucks you don't get the uber-cool seal to affix to your forehead!! It's bedazzled and comes in 5 fruity "scratch and sniff" smells!!

Seeeeee! You KNOW you want one!!

But listen, (evil grin),,, I was out of toilet paper, but don't judge my lack of planning yet,, I HAD 3 rolls on Friday before my kid's got ahold of them. So Sunday night when it was ALL gone, I questioned the Bermuda Triangle's that are my children's rear ends, to no avail.

I always wondered why the packages of toilet paper gasp and whimper when my children walk past. I imagine they worry about things like life expectancy and longevity as we do. They probably have "bucket lists" of celebrity or royal rears they want to service. And sitting there on the store shelf, I witness all of the packs of my brand, jump back really quick, leaving one shivering 4 pack in my reach. And then, in an act of selfishness, the neighboring packs kick the next victim harshly,and it screams for mercy as it falls onto my cart's steely cold grate.

Well thankfully,, this predicament I was in, so late on a Sunday night, had a "strip the 2-ply paper towel" solution for a while, at least until the morning when I grumbled at the kids to hold it until school.

Right before work however, I was in need!!

(Insert dramatic music here...)

So I sent the kids to the car scoping for hoarded restaraunt napkins.

SUCCESS!!

I was given a restaraunt packaged napkin and plastic utensil set!!

WOOHOOOOOOO!!

I opened my present, discarded the utensils in the trash and promptly resumed business. Seconds later, the depths of Hell ravaged my nether regions. I fumbled with the sink, splashing gallons of cold water on myself, and whatever else was in the way, as I danced in pain.

I pull the package out to investigate.

......PEPPER.......

......HOLY HALIBUT..........

.......I HAD SEASONED MYSELF!!!.........
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

10 Seducing Deductions:

Cheeseboy said...

Sounds delicious. Didn't realize that having an unofficial sucky life is worse than having a sucky one. Put me down for the unofficial type then.

Cheeseboy said...

BTW, following you on twitter now.

The Bipolar Diva said...

that's so freaking funny....sorry..

Kal said...

K, now THAT was funny. I love how you find these things to entertain us. It HAS to come back to you in some good way. Miss talking to you and I hope you think of me sometimes.

Powdered Toast Man said...

Hilarious. I missed reading your posts. I have been out of the loop for awhile. I will have to pepper my ass to see what it feels like. who knows, I might like it.

Jim said...

Listen, it's "moot point," but whatever . . .

My speechalogically-challenged pet peeve is beginning an answer to someone's question with "So . . ." An example is given below, in this fictional exchange between two friends . . .

"Oh, hi Seductress, how did the 'no paper at the inn' situation rectal-ify itself the other night?"

"So, I had to send the kids out to the car for hoarded restaurant napkins, and accidentally got Cajun blackening spices on my hoo-haw."

See how annoying that would be?

XO

Missed Periods said...

What a waste of pepper. You already have a hot ass.

gayle said...

omg you should have tried a cut up paper towel

Sir Thomas said...

wow not thats a hot... a hot hoo-haw... *grins*

Ca88andra said...

Hahahahaha - too funny!!!

Post a Comment

Every time you leave a comment, The Seductress gets a tickle!!

giggle, snort....and maybe she pees a little...but it's still cute....really...