Wednesday, November 25, 2009

WHA-HUH????? REALLY????? NOOOOO!!!!!!

So the surgeon has came up with a solution to my incision problem. The surgery on the 21st left me with many complications. I have an Infection and an incision that is very painful and does not want to heal. I think my body is on strike because of all the medical crap it's been through. And I say "hold on vessel of worldly transportation, hold on!!!” SO as you can tell I am not letting it hold me back. I hold my head high and flirt with the boys. I walk totally erect chest out- big smile, and hope they flirt back. When they walk around the corner, I bend in pain and hold my stomach grimacing; my kids promptly make fun of me. I am always aware of my surroundings. No one wants to LOOK sick. So my make-up is always divine/sparkly/happy and my hair wild and free (rock on). I am always dressed to the nines with a big smile and fake confidence. I am tired of this pain and inconvenience in my life. I want it DONE.

So, the solution that the surgeon came up with:

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do! Here I go:

I first heard of this "solution" in the car on a speaker phone convo with my PA. She said as my kid's listened "we will vacuum seal you". I thought a couple of different things. MsDebate said, "I always knew you were CHEEZY!!!! Get it Mom??? They're gonna vacuum seal you like cheese!!!!!" and hysterical laughter ensued. I then spoke, following my daughter’s comic lead "well as long as they use a good smoky marinade, get it, "marinate Mom" with the vacuum sealer like steaks!!!!????" But they didn't get it. And the PA was getting annoyed. I shut-up and listened quietly while the "Mom's CHEEZY" line worked the car audience for laughs.

I received my vacuum sealer yesterday. It came in a box the size of my car. I was afraid to open it. Today the home nurse came to install me with my latest hindrance. Imagine how sexy I feel with a 3ft tube sticking out of my shirt attached to a computer making a gurgley sucking noise. REALLY SEXY, YES I FEEL REALLY DAMN SEXY!!!!!!!!

This thing has to be on 24/7 (WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!).

At night I have to charge up (I choose to think of it as a sexy bionic woman thing, thank you).

I will sleep plugged into a wall outlet with a gurgley computer to snuggle with me.

AWWWWWW I feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

I will be the talk of the party wearing a "medical purse" now. I can't even "bedazzle" it because it is a rental. MsDebate looked at me and said "Mom you look like one of those old ladies, oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry" walks out of the room to tell her sister what she said. I felt her apology was sincere (I refused to feed her dinner and drew a "sharpie" mustache on her while she napped, don't judge me). DramaGirl just smiles and makes grossed out faces at me, but then she rubs my feet (she ate Filet-Mignon with champagne and strawberries!!! ha).

As for Hoover, he calls it "Mom's 'puter" and I'm fine with that.

I turn a year older tomorrow, but today I feel I have aged enough to just skip the hoopla, sigh.

I want my health and youth and sexy back! I want to bring "sexy" back----laughing.......

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