*******WARNING: I had a conversation with my mom last night and she told me that when she reads my blog and I say "ass" it always makes her laugh (-----we weren't sure why------). So I dedicate this blog post to her. It will contain a lot of ass usage. I will have an ass count at the end. I won't however (due to parental monitoring) talk about sex - or - men's asses - or - my lack of sex AND men's asses - or - drinking - or - staying up late eating junk food and adding to my ass -or- watching rated "R" movies - or - when I said out loud "so easy a caveman can do it" and the homeless guy HEARD me and looked sad and my kids laughed (been praying for forgiveness on that one, but he did look just like 'em, sigh) - or - the reckless abandon I used when I ripped off the mattress tags - or - the in-pure thoughts I had about Walter the Mart greeter - or - that I use those little Christmas address stickers sent to me in lieu of a voluntary donation *without donating*.... (that's not what's on your card's envelope mom, I swanee).
But..... I WOULD like to say that Church has been splendid EVERY night - and - the tiny village of Vommbabadabei that I single handedly planted a whole rice field and built 10 schools in, is honoring me with a ceremony next week -and- that the blankets I hand knitted with my own children's belly button and toe lint have all been passed out to the shelters - and - that I turned down ANOTHER starring movie role because it had an ass scene AND a topless scene in it--and because of the morals I was raised with I couldn't do it even for the 20 mil (I think Angelina ended up taking it, she needed it more, what with the 50 kids and all, I'm a giver)*******end of disclaimer*********
Wow! Everyone has their Christmas lights up already-maybe it's because I live in a "not so nice" neighborhood and they never took them down, but whatever. The icy glow of white lights always gets me in the mood. What "mood" that is depends on the stupidity and "ass"inine (cheated on that one a bit, wink) behavior of the people I have to deal with IN the stores.
Today started out nicely, I dug around until I found my little Rudolph deco for the car and the PT is now decked for the holiday!!! My kids were thrilled. That's why I do it, just for them (ha).
And then I made the mistake of going to the Mart.
I have strong pro and con feelings about the Mart. I suppose if you go to a Mart in an affluent area there will be less cons, but also less things to laugh about (pros). Today a woman showed her ass. She really did,,,,, it was ass cleavage. She was wearing a pair of tight jeans that caused a severe case of muffin top (they were like 6 sizes too small and she was no featherweight champion, not that I am, but still). They had a large rectangle cut out of the under ass portion of both legs. My kid's begged me to take a picture for you but I said, "Alas my children, your beautiful and talented Mother will draw the offending ass with perfect precision and skill and present it on her blog with much fanfare".
Wanna see your visual? Of course you do!! Here it comes:
You are soooo welcome!!!
Drawing this on photo shop made me realize how very lonely and disturbed I must be. I guess it was somewhere between actually drawing the jean stitches (which you can't see now, sigh,, waste of 30 good minutes!!!), and the perfectly arched ass crack work, that left me sad and empty inside.
I'm going to go eat some green olives and rock back and forth in my chair for a while. Yes; I promise I am wearing my helmet and yes; I DO take the short bus for long trips !! GEESH
Mom's ASS COUNTOMETER: 15
See........ I can't be all THAT bad- I just made my mom laugh 15 times!!!!! XOXOXO MOM!!!!!!!