Saturday, November 14, 2009

Warning: Objects in blog may be closer than they appear!!!

My new curling iron wields a harsh warning on the box. You should never curl you hair while sleeping. Multi-tasker be damned, you will not be saving any time in the morning.

My heating pad is also not a floatation device. Who knew? I had to cancel my white water rafting vacation because now I don’t have enough floatation devices. Thanks a lot SunBeam Inc.!

Do we REALLY need to be warned about such stupid things? I am sure some do but for the most part I think we grasp: Gasoline and hairspray are highly flammable; Coffee is HOT!!! (And the like).

A warning that might have helped me out would have been on a container of Icy Hot last night.

I was all snuggled up and had had a long day when my shoulder started aching. I decided I WANTED to smell like an 86 year old woman and slathered Icy Hot on my shoulder. True to “86 year old” form, I had to potty. Maybe it was the “reposition paper wipe” move that caused some extra Icy Hot to grace me down there, but I lit up like a college bonfire! I ran into the kitchen. Threw a skillet on her and cooked a steak before correcting the situation (I’m thrifty AND now a viral video on You Tube!!).

***Note: I am a liar; my dinner prep was a private matter. There are no video recorded logs of this incident. I apologize in advance if YOU looked on You Tube!! ***

But, as things ALWAYS do, it did get me thinking about warnings I would LOVE to see on certain things and situations.

Would'nt it be nice to walk up to a situation or person before the BS starts and read a large warning tag attached to them/it? I made up a few examples for you. They are a little long, but please stay for the ride.

Wanna hear them? Of course you do! Here I go:

**On the Oreo package**

Warning tag reads:

I realize that you are considering this purchase as a “weekend treat” for the kids. But we BOTH know what will REALLY happen. After midnight the crisp milk in the fridge will beckon you. You will consume 86% of this package. This will spontaneously cause cellulite to emerge on your thighs and rear. The individual divots will be embedded with the word “Oreo”. This means no man will EVER be attracted to you unless you are entirely submerged in milk.


**On the handsome man in front of you in the store line. The one who is wearing a wedding ring and flirting with you openly**

Warning tag reads:

I am an ass. I am not separated OR getting divorced. I find you attractive and have no morals. I want in your skirt (it was a very pretty skirt, sorry for the interruption). If you have a shred of dignity and an ounce of intelligence left in your little sex depraved body, you will follow these instructions. Back your cart up whistling. Go stand in the aisle where the hairy, big chested, no bra wearing woman with 15 kids and lost hope is. Just say’n.


**On the pink jogging pants with “sexy” or “baby girl” written across the rear**

Warning tag reads:

You are 40-something for goodness sakes!! Do you really want to advertise your caboose in this manner? I know you THINK you’ll never go out in them (at least I hope you thought that!), but the day will come and you will, also ma’am, just as a side note; the slight roll to the juvenile words on display is VERY unflattering to the size appearance of your assets.


**On the girl at the
DMV**

Warning tag reads:

I am not on a business call. I will flip this piece of paper and scribble something on it just to look convincing to all around. I will also say loudly the following words: Automobile, Insurance and Drivers License.
This will make my boyfriend (to whom I am REALLY talking to) call me a “bad girl” and I will smile briefly. I could care less that you and 50 others with long “to do” lists have been standing there for 30 minutes.


**On the car sales guy with the gold chains and cologne issue**

Warning tag reads:

You are not my “friend”. I don’t even consider you human. I want you to pay $5,000.00 extra and 3% higher than you should for this P.O.S. vehicle that I DID NOT personally look over and drive. It also DID NOT just come in today from an elderly couple with ALL highway miles. You should also purchase my insurance and warranties at over double the cost at a real bank, because I smiled at you. Now, act like the unprepared buyer that I know you are and sign my deal so my idiot boss can call my name and ring his cowbell in the morning.

This is fun! I am sensing a Sunday issue of this coming on. I hope you enjoyed the ride!!!

**Note: If any of these characters seem personal, they are not. They are all fictional characters made for your reading enjoyment. Any similarities between yourself and the characters are purely coincidental (if however you are feeling like you may be the Oreo package or Jogging pants, I really have no therapy to suggest for you, I’m sorry).

2 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

heheeh warning...future ex wife alert!!

Nice post!

The Invisible Seductress said...

OUR tags would not be warnings. They would be invitations to "Sample Greatness"!!!!!

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