Friday, November 20, 2009

Peanut butter jelly time!! Peanut butter jelly time!!!

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Warning: The title really does not have anything to do with the post. I was just doing the "Peanut butter jelly time" dance (interactive blog assignment: stand up and shake your groove thang for no reason right now, it WILL make you smile, big wet puppy dog kisses to those who did!!!)

Tuesday was a weird day for me. I don't know why but I thought deep thoughts instead of college humor slapstick (it sucked). I was feeling a bit down and out still trying to recover from surgery and complications; it felt as if I would never be me again. I decided, "Hey I'll get a PPV movie"!! So I did. Stupidly, I ordered a drama. I think through the duration of this movie there were only about 5 minutes that I was not sobbing. A dinner of pickles and green olives left me with one hand full of napkins drenched in relish tray juice, and the other tear saturated napkin remnants. I thought that if a special someone were here by my side they would either be crying with me or laughing at the snot coming out of my nose (so sexy). Either way, I could recover more swiftly then I did. That thought just triggered others (of course).

In the meantime another hit from the dating site came, right at the right time I thought. Hmmmmm, let's see what we have here. We chatted it up for a bit on the site. He seemed "normal". I asked him if he was an ax murderer like me, expressing that it is so hard to find a "nice" ax murderer these days (sigh). He said he wasn't but handled my humor deftly. After a few hours I asked him to go ahead and email me and gave him my addy (like any good victim would do). He did. Then the barrage of questions came. It seems he was so wrapped up in what his perfect list of qualities would be that he forgot, hey, maybe I should like HIM too!!!! You could tell he was writing STRAIGHT from a friggin' list. This angered me; it's the woman's job to be shallow and psychotic!! How dare you invade MY territory!!! I went on to answer every question in the manner opposite of what he would want to hear. And with my flair of humor and sarcasm, I made it very believable and sincere. I am sure after the third email he thought I had already found his location and was looking in his window with a new tattoo of his face on my ass (I couldn't find him, but, I DO like the new tat!!).

I added more children, tattoos, addictions (the normal ones alcohol and circus peanuts) and I generated a lot of large angry ex's. I became his worst nightmare. It was fun navigating his responses and requisitioning. My last email reversed all of these vices and got down to the nitty gritty of RELAX DUDE!!!!! You 101 questioned the wrong girl way to soon!

Maybe looking THAT closely at every "flaw" perceived in your head about people is the REASON so many are single to begin with. What ever happened to casual conversation and learning about a person at a slower (more exciting and intimate) pace? Was it too much trouble for him to actually MEET someone before the analysis? Is he SO great that to even be IN his presence means a background check; resume and credit report is needed? If I "checked out" maybe then I could be accepted for a first date (WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!!)!

Now I must say this dating thing has been a challenge to me. I'm just a little too laid back I think. I am not feeling the emergency of being with someone NOW-right NOW-I need it NOW!!!!! (Although I should, been navigating the "Sahara Man Dessert" for quite some time, big sigh).

There are some things that I think I may be doing wrong. Like actually having a brain. This is unnecessary to 85% of these men. I may be wrong, but is having a bimbo that agrees with EVERYTHING you say and laughs at all your one-liners all it takes? Shutting up and just looking pretty is hard for me. Not showing passion or challenging any positions is dang near impossible. I'm not gonna sip my drink sexily through a straw, pick at a salad and utter, "Ya-huh, I agree" while sticking my chest out to you (However, I will put sparkles on my cleavage so that I shine like a starry night, wink).

Should I "dumb down"? Hmmmmmmm, like OMG, I totally should!!!!

I do have issues though (like you did not know this already, ha). In talking about flaws, of course I have some immediate turn offs (I don't ask you about them in the first 10 minutes though, sigh of relief).

Wanna hear them? Of course you do here I go:

The following turn offs are only in the texting or email arena, real life turn offs to be shared at a later time (You're welcome!).

I am not a girl who is a big fan of certain abbreviations. For example: LOL - ROFL - LMAO - OMG and the like (Basically anything a preteen might text her BFF). I know that in texts "short" is better, but when a MAN types in a text or email like my 11 year old would, it shivers my timbers. I start imagining him "manscaped" perfectly, totally coordinated, carrying a man purse and MY purse in the mall. He would buy my tampons and do my toenails. He would be angry if I put a pair of argyles next to his gym socks. He would lotion his heels. I like my men balanced. I like my men---MEN!!! I need a little grit. I don't want a girlfriend. "Metro sexual" may just be a curse word. Let me see you sweat. Do stupid primal things every once in a while, please........ (hmmmm, that just got me a bit frisky, better stop, slapping myself with a Yakosobi noodle). This is not to say that a man who dresses nicely and keeps him self up is not attractive. They are, VERY, I am just saying NOT TO THE EXTREME GUYS!!! Men stay men REAL women want that!!

Yes, I am a word snob. I am not perfect and do not spell everything correct 100% of the time. I may not punctuate properly and I heart "run on sentences!!" But when it comes to "basic" words used everyday and you can't spell them, it bothers me OK????? There I said it!!

My mentor at "The American Language Virtuoso Club" says "A proper word virtuoso is understanding of the shortcomings of others and their language practices" (snicker, snort, no such club exists).

A dater that told me he wanted to be a chef emailed me today and said that he had some new "resaipies" he wanted to try out on me (no kidding folks, that was exactly what he wrote). I was flattered that he wanted to make "resaipies" ON me (blush), but couldn't get passed the way he spelled such a basic word in a field that he wishes to pursue. Me, I want to be a "rightor" and a "mahm" and a "louver" of "manee"!!!!!

Sadly this is common in 90% of the replies I get. They "LOL" me and murder the English language. Please Lord let me push that aside and see the real man behind it!!!!

I may be destined to be single here people.

A man may never enjoy watching me suck Jell-O through a straw because all the dishes are in the machine.

He may never have the joy of digging me out of the covers in the morning to see if I made it through the night.

Sadly, he may never experience my infamous wrestling move (The "Neene Hold” is IMPOSSIBLE to release yourself from).

Oh this is SOOOOOOO sad for mankind (laughing, uh yea, I'm a treasure, snort, urp, scratch).

3 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

keepin it real......keep it up......:) oh shoot I shouldnt have put an emoticon... :(....crap I did it again......

Many opinions on your ideas here but too many for a comment box......

The Invisible Seductress said...

good or bad? Now I worry I have lost you forever!!! (add sound effect of sobbing here)

Organic Meatbag said...

Sparkling cleavage almost always works...it's like putting Christmas lights on a raccoon...somebody will damn sure notice...

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