Another thought process happened.....

When did this happen?

Standing here chasing a steaming hot dog around a paper plate of questionable integrity, I evaluate myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background, my synopsis of this movie was, sadly, correct.

Are we to live our lives as if they were a movie? If so, which one would it be? I wonder which network they would agree to play mine on for the masses of people seeking clarity through entertainment.

The Lifetime Channel?

I can learn to overcome abuse, betrayal and settle with medocrity there. Let's teach out children to be ruthless in the business world to get ahead. When they realize that's not what they want, we can judge them.

We all say we want simple; fireflies and popsicle smiles, green grass tickling toes and invading picnic ants as distractions. But most of us remain unfulfilled, because we have never been taught how to be.

And who is to blame?

Perhaps the Halmark Channel would be a good fit for my story.

Romance makes everything play out on a softened canvas. The music stirs with each heatened breath, we dance on hope, twirling through time. Your eyes sparkle, until they don't, and I get up to change the channel, before it hurts.

I am trying to focus on the storyline with Julia in this movie.

The hot dogs have assumed the position and accepted my dominance. The children have eaten and my paper plate's integrity, has once again, somehow, eluded me and survived the meal unscathed.

I fade out, into questions again, sorry Julia.

The Travel Channel; that's it, that's where I would be found, at one with myself through adventure.

The only time I was out of the country I noticed the air was different, however, the people were the same, still lost in pursuit of something.

Foreign words buzzed around my ears like hummingbirds to a Hibiscus flower and I stood mesmerized by this, strangely in tune with unfamiliarity.

What would I uncover on a whirlwind documentary style trip?

Stained glass reflections on grand concrete floors lay as a delicate colored lace. The smells of exotic spices rise from a mud walled hut.

Like a can opener, travel is freeing the once tightly sealed tin of my imagination.

I feel the spray of water escaping the confines of an enchanted wishing fountain that seems a mile wide. It cascades in watery greens down walls lined with chiseled sculptures of the idealized male form.

Bikes with bells and flower filled baskets amble by, transporting smiles. The now warm coin, never leaves my grasp.

I am not worthy of this wish......... (yet).....

I want a spaghetti montage, in Italy, like Julia Roberts had!

Who doesn't?

Is this really my destiny, scraping by on prayers that seem to go unacknowledged, scared to give of myself because there is so little left?

When did this happen, I question again, when did I become so alone and such a hinderance? How did I become a shell of the person I want to be?

There is only one thing worse than being a shell of who you want to be..........Realizing it........

.....and trying to fill it to no avail......

So many of us are walking around oblivious to this, but, I have been living through them and that makes me even more oblivious.

I scan Facebook to see what everyone else is doing. I smile at their family life, happiness and adventures. I add my "status jokes" to let them know I am still alive, but just barely, and admitting that here, is therapy.

The "one days" and "once upon a times" in my life are many, only overshadowed by the "what ifs" and "I shoulds".

The chapters never seem to come full circle, my sunsets linger, refusing to accept my advances of "riding off" into them.

.... But I go on.. Undeterred..

.... Still searching..

.... And so will you..

.... Until we learn to be fulfilled within ourselves..

.... And with that, we will experience true happiness..

.... But maybe,, still wanting a "spaghetti eating movie montage" in Italy..

.... And that suits me just fine..

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