A few Poems, A Lil' Ranting and Motivational Music.. OH MY!!!!

No taking my smile!!

You tore off my wings with one yank then questioned,
"why don't you fly anymore?"
You starred in my nightmares then wondered so stupidly,
"why are you scared of your dreams?"
You gutted the core of my soul with a smile and asked,
"why are you so flat?"
You took all my hunger and fed it with hate but,
"why am I so thin?"
You stared at me seething until I looked away, asking,
"why are you so afraid?"
You angered me, to the point of redirection but
"why did I wait so long?"
You made me stronger in ways you can't fathom, yet
"why don't I feel indebted?"
You took all I had and when I got my wings back,
"why didn't I fight from the start?"
You kneel there pathetic, asking for pardon, and
"why would I give that to you?"
You thought I lost everything, I had to offer but
You never saw what I found!!

Another life ago, I believed in happy endings
and I thought I was safe in the mask.
Another life ago, I dreamt of finding true love
and I thought I had succeeded that task.
Another life ago, I could see the hope of progress
and I thought it would never end.
Another life ago, my doubt and fears were fading
and I thought my soul would mend.
Another life ago, I wouldn't think I could get stronger
and I'd thought of just letting go.
Another life ago, is gone, with each waves crashing
and I really am glad this is so.

What should be penned of love and of distance?
Some loves traverse it, while others transcend it.
So what would I pen of love and of distance?
True love holds no space that a heart can't contain it.




I love the rain, it hides all these tears.
Still I'm wet and I'm shivering, it highlights my fears.
You take me in, I am warmed by your laughter.
I'm completely safe here, I know what your after.
You wish me the joy that you've had in your life.
With years of sweet bliss, devoid of all strife.
I wish that for all, you deserve it the most.
I feel safe in your heart, a most cherished host.




And now a word from our sponsor:



Never mind I'll talk...

Less than a quarter tank of gas. .69 cents in the bank. Minimal food. 3 kids and no evidence of change. This is where I stand. Trying to stay/be positive takes a lot of effort. I imagine knowing that I need surgery and can't seem to get it, and knowing that on 8/01, I will be considered in contempt of court in the eyes of The State of Florida for not paying Child Support, and knowing I will turn 40 in a few months, am sick, am going to be homeless, devastatingly financially deficient and alone, does not help with the motivation of staying positive. I look back and I really can not see where in my life I have EVER been evil enough to take on even ONE of these plights, although I did steal lip gloss as a child, but I returned it the next day, still, I can't see life continuing to dock me happiness points for THAT.

Life does not work on the premise that good people get spared from hardship. People say: Stay strong for your kids. I can't give up because they need me, right? I obviously know this is true. But, I can't help but wonder if they would be better off without seeing me go through this. They must REALLY think I am a loon knowing some of what that I am facing and yet I still smile, laugh, sing and play with them. But, I am getting tense about how much of things they eat/use/ruin. Going to the store with only $4, needing toilet paper that costs $3, and I try not to yell at them every time they go to the bathroom or monitor the amount they use, because really, how long can it last?

It's at night, like right now that I fall to pieces. And not in a happy Patsy Cline love sort of way.

I will watch things disappear around me in the survival effort. Meager belongings that I may get $50 for and are not only worth much, much more monetarily, but are priceless to my heart. The whole scene of strangers "bartering" with me about price, as I cry, haunts me, but I am told they are just things. They are just things until they are YOUR things. I have nothing from my childhood, circumstances beyond my control caused that. I lost a lot by selling things at another tough time when my son needed medical equipment and medication, I carried with me only the things that touch my heart for some reason or another, and now even they are on the line, I know they are just material things, but still it saddens me. I don't know anyone who has loved a couch so much that for over 7 years they became a couch Nazi and allowed no buttocks to park there. Insane. Really freaking insane!

But I have to survive, keep my car somehow, feed children (the only funds coming in my house right now are from Food Stamps $187 a month to feed Traxx, the girls get stamps at their dads, but I have them here and I have to feed them as well, and they are tweens who are food vampires). School offers free food, but it takes gas to get there.

My brother has recently came back into my life. He has offered to help and has been my only ray of hope. Still, I wonder why this hurts so bad. Him coming back to find me in the worst spot I have ever been in. Not the vibrant positive force I once was and always try to be. Wondering how a woman, turning 40 (that's rough enough people isn't it??), a good person with over 21 years work experience and success, a loving, dedicated mother with a big heart and nice hair, that never did anyone harm, can end up LOWER than "square one".

I will have to leave my girls with their dad and move 9 or so hours away for a time, I can't breathe as I type that. Could you live life,, without your life??

But, I have a son to take care of as well, and I can't do that here, not right now, I am obligated to him and his needs as well.

I will have to somehow get this surgery done, recoup the 8 to 12 weeks (as it is a major surgery), pray I find work that pays enough to actually pay child support and medical for my girls (which if you see my "deadbeat mom post" you know that is another story), and save up enough to come back, get an apartment and pray I find another decent job to start all over again here. I do know I can do this, but, it is daunting, terribly scary and so shattering that I have to leave my children. I know you all know from reading my posts what those girls mean to me. Someday I will have them back full time as it is meant to be and have another lovely couch that they can not sit on as I take back my role of Couch Nazi!!! (wink).

I thought to prepare, I should give blood, then sell plasma, thus taking baby steps towards finally selling my body to the night. (Laughing, you know this is a joke, at this point I'd GIVE it away for FREE to a handy plumber or pizza guy with questionable morals bringing free pizza and soda ( I miss soda) for some MILF summer lovin'. Or hell,, I need a hair cut soooo bad maybe there is a lonely stylist somewhere?? Eeeeeeeeep).

I had even had a thought of how I will continue to wear a sexy, smoky black eyeliner by smudging coal and soot around my eyes from Hobo bonfires under a bridge. A diva living on the street will have to be resourceful like that!! My daughter said to me that I need to try and not be "Hobo Hideous" and then she laughed and laughed because that's what we do here at Seductress central.

I am not writing this for comments, although your support does mean the world to me, I am writing this as a message to those that CAN offer help, please find people in your area that deserve it and give them a little leg up. I know there are people who are not genuine in their need, but in this economy their are plenty of people who really are. There are people that are NOT working the system and the system is NOT working for them. There are people who have been kicked in the face so many times they can't feel the blows anymore and are contemplating NOT getting up this time. I am sure I am not the only person going through things that seem so unfair and out of the scope of positivity.

I am not a whiner (although you couldn't tell that from here-- ha). I will come back and share my humor with you as long as I can and as long as you bring me into your day. I won't be a negative force in your blog life, I just needed to put this out there. I will probably take it back as a draft 15 minutes after it's posted and replace it with a post on how I know that the devil invented pop-tarts, but I am eating half of one right now and thanking God because someone gave a box to me and the kids.

It's all about the small pleasures in life.

And now for some motivational music.

Whatchya' gonna do?? We CAN change the world!!



Really THIS AIN'T NOTHING!!



He's HOT AND motivational!! I am NOT going out like this!!

Absolute Asinine Absurdity

I don't know who the hell Burt Hummel is
But I am glad he approved this shit!!

Screw Burt!!!
Chuck Norris APPROVES this post!!

Does this ever happen to you?? I probably shouldn't ask questions like that because no one really attains the same level of absolute asinine absurdity as I do and it stings a bit..

So,, scratch that last paragraph and we can move into the uncharted territory of my absolute asinine absurdity.. And you can all wish YOUR brain looks as pretty as mine in a sparkled Tu Tu,, and danced half as well..

It happens at night.. I usually put the BS2000 Suction Cup Extractor Pro model on at around midnight.. I like the BS2000 SCE Pro model much better than the BS1999 1/2 SCE model because the improved suction cup leaves a smaller hickey mark on my forehead..

Oh,, maybe I should backtrack a bit and explain what this apparatus does.. You see,, my head is full of such wonderful amazing things that in order for the world to enjoy them,, the BS2000 SCE has to extract them,, multiply the images,, sounds,, smells,, and distribute them around the world (some items are put through language modification and ethnicity programs before distribution)..

If it was not for this nightly extraction of my fabulously beautiful and extremely wonderful concoctions of awesomeness,, you would live a life without things such as (but not limited to):

Puppy breath and pudgy puppy bellies,, double rainbows,, ducks wearing no pants but a sailor hat and coat,, unicorn dreams and the neon coloration of their manes and tails,, cotton candy Ice Cream,, baby giggles,, sparkles (I own the patent),, long bumpy slides,, your "last" first kiss,, canoodleing with hot people,, punchlines (but only the good ones,, Gallagher distributes the rest),, spaghetti noodle sucking Cocker Spaniel lovers,, The "We are the World" song (but none of the re-makes),, finding $20 in your winter coat pocket,, The disappearance of David Blaine (and his reappearance in a block of ice in a highly anticipated Vegas telecast),, The fake marshmallows in "Lucky Charms" cereal,, The YMCA dance moves,, David Beckham's abs,,Encores,, Fireworks perfectly overhead..

I could go on and on,, but basically,, for anything fantastical,, send a nod of thanks to The Invisible Seductress..

This was Corn-cob-Bob's last Halloween in the Smokies..

So after the extraction,, I fall asleep from my tireless gift to the world.. Normally around 3Am I wake up from the nightmare of: A bear wearing tap shoes and a top hat,, eating me like corn.. There is nothing more frightening than a tap dancing,, top hat wearing bear (without a dancing stick) leaving you as a pile of nibblets and doing that sideways tap dance kick thing while tipping his hat at you charmingly..

Then,, I lay in my lonely large tempurpedic topped bed on my back staring at the ceiling.. It is then when I try to make tempurpedic mattress topper snow angels to help my mind wander from the "being eaten like corn" incident.. It is surprisingly difficult to make tempurpedic mattress topper snow angels because of the viscosity and nature of memory foam.. I usually try around 8 times before laying in silence and hearing a child snore from the next room.. This pisses me off as I see it as them rubbing it in that they are sleeping peacefully and not being eaten like corn by dancing bears,, I wonder: What I have done to deserve such a tragic dream life??

Next I look to my left at my "manpillow".. I notice that it is laying their like a lump.. It always lays there like a lump,, not offering any comfort or warmth,, not laughing at my hilarious brand of comedy,, not serving me Jello,, not blessed with any type of sexually gratifying skills or apparatus,, taking up the right half of my bed so I can not stretch my arm out fully.. I then think that I should re-name it "My-EX",, and smile..

The random thoughts of things I dis-like start,, I will share some with you now..

I dis-like Schizophrenic texters and emailers.. These are texters or emailers that start more than one texting or email thread about totally different subjects.. One is like: When are you getting that 11Th toe removed?? And the other is about a Gerbil on YouTube that can burp on command.. In extreme cases they start even another texting or emailing thread that simply reads: "LOL",, you never know to which of the previously written threads this relates to,, but one can only assume that an 11Th toe removal does not merit a "Laugh out Loud" response..

I dis-like it when a toddler decides he does not appreciate an item of food on his plate.. It is almost immediately that he strolls over to the knoshing parent making a shitty "I can't believe you feed me like this" face and spits the item onto said knoshing parents food.. This is rude..

I dis-like it when a slice of cheese refuses to open correctly.. The fold at one side invariably mis-fires and the slice of cheese tears into a 1 inch strip and a 3 inch strip.. This is not a hard puzzle to piece back together,, but I can not help but wonder what a whole piece of cheese would taste like,, certainly the integrity of the slice is compromised..

When a manufacturer develops an "easy-open" tab on the top of a product,, I dis-like it when it does not cause easy opening.. The little plastic piece that says "grasp here and pull to open" invariably rips off and you end up biting the microscopic tab that is left behind and pulling while trying to curse. I furthermore dis-like getting a mouth full of prepared yellow mustard as I curse.. Grey Poupon comes in a jar,, Do you have any??

I dis-like when Patrick Swayze (RIP) says "ditto" in Ghost.. I feel that the mourning character that Demi plays deserved a fully spoken "I love you" from her dead mate.. Whoopi was obviously delivering the line incorrectly..

I like the alien from Bugs Bunny a lot.. I dis-like when Bugs Bunny puts his hand on the aliens helmet and taunts the length of the alien's arms and torso..

I dis-like thinking about what the inventor of the "penis pump's" penis looks like after all the prototypes..

I dis-like that every sitcom has a smart character and a dim-witted one.. This has been done too many times already.. I would like to instead see a genius paired with a talking goat of a slightly higher intellect.. This is the new future of comedy.. Highly intelligent goats would also choose what garbage to eat more carefully causing many comedy enrich hi-jink moments..

Diets and your Dirty, Dirty minds.. tssk, tssk for shame!!!

Hells Yes!!!

Michelin Man,,

You ARE the father!!

I started on my diet again. You know the one,, copious amounts of big fat Green Olives,, getting my exercise by sucking the pimento out first and wishing I had vodka. I am surprised Hollywood has not stolen this yet. On day 7,, I can have unlimited sugar free Green Jello (luckily,, I have a vat of it).. The exercising is also amped up then by sucking the Green Jello through a small straw..

It's simple,, dieting sucks,, so why not suck while dieting..

No wait.. OMG.. I know that most of you,, as myself,, are as pure as the driven snow (and also do not eat the yellow snow,, because you are intelligent like that..)

But,, I can only assume that SOME of you are thinking naughty things about my first paragraph,, in reference to the sucking..

I must only discipline you as I have been disciplined in the past..

With a firm spanking..

No wait.. OMG.. Some of you would LIKE that TOO!!

Dammit.. I live in a world of untainted goodness and wholesome hand holding on a front porch swing with a father switching the lights off and on if the boy looks impetuous (my boys always looked impetuous)..

I do not understand your world of sex and frivolity..

Perhaps I shall simply accept you for the morally Loosey,, Goosey person that you are and move on in this post..

I also have purchased a shake weight to help with arm toning.. (Heff introduced it to me,, because he cares about women's health issues..)

Check it out:



Really,, SEX,, Again??!!

I think I am going to need to take some "alone time" and think about the future of our friendship..

Oh,, Come ON!! Stop looking at me as if I am your sex cupcake!!





Cupcakes are sweet and innocent and immune to the sexual tarnishing of your world..



(facepalm)

Why do I even try???

A Jello Vat Party Invitation for YOU!!!!!!

So then I picked her up with my MIND POWERS,,
and SHOOK 'er like a DOG!!!

I have decided that I need to take an entirely different turn in my career... For ALAS my dear readers,, I was NOT made to sit behind a desk.. For,,, I was created.................

TO CREATE!!!!!!!!

A-Haaaaaa......Did you NOT see the sky open up and hear the chorus of angels sing as I proclaimed my ultimate calling in this world? Did you NOT feel the gasp of disappointment from the belly of the business world as they realize they might lose my brilliance??

I now stand precariously perched upon the top of my poorly constructed computer desk and proclaim THIS day... as the day of FREEDOM!!

THIS is an example of the dance that goes along with standing precariously perched upon the top of my poorly constructed computer desk as I am proclaiming THIS day... as the day of FREEDOM!!

Ah YES!!

The Precariously Perched Happy Dance of Proclaimed Freedom..

It is a Finely Orchestrated

Neon Lighted

Fantastically, Sexy, Sexy Number!!!

(and you thought it was going to be silly,, pshaw!!)

But what does this all mean, Seductress?? You ask,, as you move to the edge of your seat and wait for a well thought out and perfectly sane response from me (really,, you expect sane??)..

But no,,, INSTEAD,,,, I give you confetti falling from the ceiling and Champagne toasts at Midnight or whatever time I decide that we should sit together in the very large vat of Green Jello and try to catch the Green Olives in our mouths that we have been taking turns launching at each other between 'bouts of singing the song about our house being a very, very, very, fine house..

You do KNOW that song don't you?? It saddens me to say that if you don't,, I may not be able to invite you into the very large vat of Green Jello and you may have to merely sit BY the vat and look in longingly whilst all of us that DO know "the very, very, very, fine house" song celebrate with reckless abandon while floating on giant pineapple rings!!

Perhaps you should run off to YouTube and look that song up because I am telling you.....

.... A good time will be had by all who enter the vat.

I'll wait for you,, because it does really take a surprisingly long period of time for a very large vat of Green Jello to congeal to the perfect floating on a pineapple consistency.

I have exasperated my brain cells for now and will have to come back to enlighten you on my plan to take over the world whilst we are IN the vat. I deduce that you will not think it is any big deal but would like to support me anyway by sitting in the vat on a pineapple ring
WITH ME because you are good people and feel that friends with mental disabilities (as myself) must really be supported (or at least monitored closely around Jello)...

Plus,, we have some time because I still need to run to Winn Dixie and get even more Jello and a BIGGER vat for when the rest of you learn "the very,very,very fine house song". I have decided to add to the link to the bottom of this post for you so that you can quickly RSVP back to me and attend my celebration inside the vat instead of whimpering by the side of it..
(...... because I heart you and think you would look sexy on a pineapple ring!)

Bikini tops and Green Thongs WILL be provided for your convenience. Men should be aware that the "Green Thong" is not an optional apparel choice,, IT IS MANDATORY.

Unless of course you own one of these it is approved:

As it already comes in the required Jello Green hue and may offer a tad more coverage for those of you who feel the need to be a bit more modest and do not want to be openly ogled by the women floaters in the Jello vat (shoes and sunglasses are to be left at the side of the Jello vat as I have class and a reputation of extreme luxury to uphold.)

You do plan on RSVP-ing don't you??? I do hope so!!! I was wondering if you could be so kind as to bring along a bushel or so of Circus Peanuts...

AND

.... a very low tolerance for sanity at any level..

Please study:

The Deadbeat Mom Confessional..

This post has been rated R

Would you like to see a picture of a deadbeat mom? Sure you would, it's like a train wreck, ya just gotta look!!

Here she is:

Throw tomatoes at me for I sucketh!

Holy Halibut,,, does she look familiar??

Of course she does, it's the elusive:

Invisible Seductress!!

(Boo hiss booo, wa,wa waaaaaa)

I am a horrible, horrible, slack, lazy, selfish and apparently really stupid mom.

Well,, at least that's what the State of Florida thinks of me.

You see I was in court today on a child support case.

State of Florida AGAINST me FOR my ex-husband.

There were no happy "your ARE the father" Maury dances in my past. Paternity should not be a Scooby Doo mystery. No rabbits were boiled in the break-up of our union. I didn't wish him to be tarred and feathered,, (although it would be funny and I heart "avian" college slap stick humor). I did not cut an appendage off of him.

Scooby Doo,,,,, you ARE the father!!

ZOINKS!!!!

I never asked for child support or alimony. Too many women are out there to prove a point and make life miserable because a man decided to leave THEM (shock, horror, gasp).

I wouldn't WANT someone to stay with me if they did not WANT to be there, should they be financially punished for not being smart enough to see my fabulosity?? Of course not. I can judge his intellect (ha) but not punish his checkbook for his lack of it in not keeping wonderful sarcastic me (ha, again).

In some cases it IS just, don't get me wrong and we do have a right as mothers to feel our children will be taken care of. If the father/mother is walking out and not accepting responsibility at all, let's do something about that, abso"fn" lutely!!

In other cases it's just seems to be a vendetta ego hit. I decided early on I would not fight in front of my children. I was hurt, yes, and a little devastated, but I can't make someone see how fantastic I am,, (flips hair, laughing) and if you don't well,, that's OK too.

But it's not about money-- it's about the kids and their future with us BOTH as parents, if I was able to make it without child support-- I would--and did. Hurting him financially hurts my children as well, why do we forget that? I fought the financial battle on my own.

So,,, we sat in court, me crying and picturing all my pretty silver sparkles running down my face, sitting in a spot usually reserved for a man. I was feeling the testosterone surge through my ample bosom, which I had contemplated "playing a Lindsay" with, and revealing a sparkle adorned Decolletage, in a low cut shirt for the benefit of my judge, but I digress.

Everyone was a bit confused, they kept looking toward my ex and I would have to say: "No, it's me, I am the unfit, deadbeat mom here, and could you please hurry up, I think I left my crack pipe burning and my John gets pissed when I do that and the Pit Bulls act funny for days".

Why Ken REALLY left Barbie.

This was (in my head) court humor. Even I'm not THAT stupid...

I watched couple after miserable couple look severely constipated and drag unruly children down the aisle. Mostly the women with big smirks and bitchy hand gestures speaking louder than necessary and the men shaking their heads and trying to get a word in edgewise. I would watch the men (automatically assumed a slacker by most) walk out with a yellow slip of paper showing where to send the payments while the women jerk the children away from them and storm off. Mission accomplished, vendetta served, until the next time you need a mani-pedi.

Newsflash,,,you're in this together and this was handled ALL wrong!!

Then I got all visual and my mind wandered (that's a shocker, huh?)

I tried not to, but I visualized them having sex and was all like: "Ew,,, really dude!" a lot. And sometimes: "Babygirl,, WTF were you thinking sleeping with the Geico Caveman?? Don't you know they cancelled his sitcom after the FIRST day?? The lizard is IN!!!

You shoulda' went lizard!!"

I was financially tight.... always... but I screeched by, until my son got sick. I missed work, there were scripts and medical equipment to purchase,, I was losing my battle. In April of '09 I got laid off. It was a tenure lay off even though I was a high producer,, I was the last one in the office-- so I was the first to go, a great business strategy.

I had been in pain for at least 6 months prior, holding it in, self medicating, not missing work (for me)saving sick days for the kids. I did not go to the doctor. A lesson hard learned when your organs are diseased and start to die and cause damage to ducting and other organs and such and you pass out in the parking lot after driving YOURSELF to the ER. There would be 12 surgeries in 7 months, complications, surgical infections that caused people to wear yellow safety suits and make me feel all "germy",, 3 or 4 "You are SO lucky!! You almost died!!" revelations, home nurses and machines hooked up to me, and 1 case of badly torn ligaments in my knee and a full leg brace/crutches installment right in the middle of it all.

It's all very sexy really. I can see that you are flushed with desire!!

And I applied for jobs,, even being in the hospital for weeks at a time and being home nursed, I kept trying. But now, because my credit is tarnished, my 21 years in Consumer Lending/Mortgage/Management/Training and green olive extreme height throw catching experience is not good enough:

"You are very well qualified and your resume is impressive,,, (add the "BUT" here) We can't hire you because of your credit." Loan officers can not have bad credit.

"Oh,, but what about my Extreme Height Green Olive Catching experience,, huh??? How many other candidates are award wining EHGOC gold medalists??? Huh,, nudge,, huh???"

I tried to told them that almost 200 people love me as well,, no dice. They suck, do they KNOW WHO YOU ARE??? Hmmmpf!!!

I journey on.

Not being medically able to take care of my children most of the year sucked. And not being financially able to provide is a different type of hell. My ex had to get Food Stamps as he was struggling too, still, he had more resources than me and I need surgery again, so he does have them more than me, I can't feed them right now and he can,, makes sense right? I won't ask him to drop Food Stamps and Medicaid because I actually want my kids to HAVE food AND medical care,, cause I am horrible like that.

As caring parents we had to make these decisions for their benefit and ONLY for their benefit. It wasn't a case of me never seeing them, not caring, not loving them, lazy, drugs, revolving door of men (sigh,, I miss you men,, wherever you are)... It was a case of hey "we both need help". Had I gotten food stamps for them he would be the one getting sued.

My unemployment check stopped without notice last week. I worked for 21 years and put into this system with no grudge or malice. I am very thankful for the help I received, I am not entitled, I am not owed, I am privileged to have had help. People abuse this, I am not one of those people. I have NO income now. None of these jobs are coming through and my need for surgery (that I can't afford because of "Medicaid Share of Cost" 1k PER MONTH deductible...another long story) is growing and hindering my everyday activity. But my life is not at risk (at this moment) so Medicaid says: it's non-emergent. We all agree I NEED surgery, but I am not at deaths door (yet). So,,, hurry up and wait. In the meantime while it's NOT emergent, it gets harder and more complicated and risky to fix, are ya gonna have to PAY more in making me wait,, uh,,, derrr,,, YES!!! Bunch of rocket sciantists (scientists was spelled wrong intentionally for effect, I hope you enjoyed it)!! I will know when it IS emergent by the severe pain followed by my organs failing and my life being in jeopardy within a few hours, and then,,, I will need to go into the Emergency Room ASAP and get the surgery hoping my organs are not permanently damaged. Make sense??

I am losing everything, I am fighting all the way down, but I AM tired. My house is in the last stages of foreclosure. With no income,, I have a week or two left (by begging) on all my utilities.

"We" will be cut off and I will miss you, a lot.. I hope you go back and read my archives and see that I really don't like posting stuff like this and welcome me back without thinking that I am a slug, I am not,, a slug that is...

This is what "Anal Court Guy" said to me when I explained my situation, and that I DID in fact HAVE my children and WAS trying to take care of them and have NO income right now to pay $375.00 a month and 1/2 medical coverage + court costs... And even at a "decent" income with daycare costs and this Child Support stip, this would be severely difficult if not impossible for me to EVER get in the position to realistically and responsibly get my girls back like I want/need/should have/had,, and be able to afford rent and a car payment and normal bills. I feel for people now doing this, I always have, but now I am stung too, you feel a bee sting differently when the stinger is IN you. And,, you know what??? I do have another child at home that I need to care for, who stands up for him?? Oh,, and also,, I would like to NOT be in contempt of court when I can't pay this Child Support and have to go live with Helga Hairnet in a cell as her sex slave (although I do believe I would be an attractive sex slave option for Helga as orange brings out the flecks of gold in my eyes).

This is "Anal Court guy's answer:

"I SUGGEST you find a job and take care of your children!!"

This is a GRAND suggestion Anal Court Guy!! I had not even thought of THAT!! I was so glad he suggested a way to help me!! Maybe my 10-15 applications for employment every other day WAS just a clever way of hiding out in my crack house with the Pitt bull fighting dogs, (they killed the Cocks by the way, so I don't fight them anymore). And NOT having the girls would be good,, because the pot really grows well in their room and they are beginning to not appreciate the decorating effort I put into their "special effect" tin-foil wall paper and heat lamp "Space Vegetation Room".... ingrates...

Today I walked out of the court room sobbing with that yellow slip of paper showing ME where to send my Child Support payments as the court audience assumed automatically that I was a slacker. And it was even more awkward because I was a MOM SLACKER, and for some reason that seems a lot worse in society.

Of course you know,, I AM being sarcastic and using humor to cope here,and I do know I am trying to be the best mom in the world, but I am really scared and in a dark place. I wonder how much does one have to go through, by themselves. One is the loneliest number...

Maybe I am not as intelligent and resilient as I thought I was. But I thought doing what you know is best for your children, even though it is very, very hard is the RIGHT thing to do.

When it comes down to it, when they nail ME when I am down, they end up nailing 3 kids -WITH- me.

Good Job Florida!!!!
I have an award for ya!!!

A fourth of July Eeeeeeep moment!!

Babeeee, yoooou,, got what I neeeed!

But you say you're just a friend,
But you say you're just a friend!!

Lean on meeeeee, when you're not stroooong,,
I'll be your friend!!
I'll help you carry on!!

You lost that loving feeeeling, whoa that lovin' feeling!

My father was a singing Evangelist. I swear he had a boombox surgically placed in his body because the voice that came out of this rail thin man could shake any walls down. Pure and strong, you could feel every emotion flowing through him.

I was outed as a singer while doing my best Annie impression of "Tomorrow" in my room one night. The door flew open and my dad stood in the doorway, staring at me with saucer sized eyes.

"Do it again"

"Do WHAT again, Dad"

"Sing!"

And that was that. I was pulled into the world of music that I love so much with the man I idolized. We went to many types of places and sang in front of a lot of people. Schools, Prisons, Churches, Malls, Hospitals, the streets, a roof, wherever we could plug in our meager equipment, we would perform.

You can't see me now!

I was shy (can you believe that?). I would always feel physically ill before I performed. My dad had a way of calming me. Even still before every song I had to get a nervous little cough out, I didn't mean to, it just always happened, and he ALWAYS laughed at me. He would even choreograph his own little nervous cough in perfect unison with mine. Yep, that's my dad.

I remember one time there was this super hot church boy sitting in the front row, I love me some super hot church boys!! I felt myself flush when he looked at me. How was I supposed to sing NOW????? I went up and my voice cracked. And what did this genius rookie performer do? I turned around and faced the wall, my back to the audience. My dad was mortified, but humored. He asked me during the break what had happened and we had a conversation about how he had better not embarrass me this time!!!!

"Do you really want this boy looking at your rear in THAT skirt???"

"Watsamatta with my skirt??!!"

"Oh, nothing,, it just looks so much cuter from the front."

I finished the set facing the audience with the cute side of my skirt.

Dad always wanted me to sing country. He said that was where my vocal talents lay. He taught me vibretti (as he called it), and a serious course in "brangin' the twang" to a song!!! The twangy-er I could sing a country song, the better, he would rave over my southern drawl. I would continuously bribe him with twang even though I did kinda enjoy singing like that (shhhhh).

"I'll sing THAT twang if you'll let me sing this POP song."

"How twangy?"

"You'll think I drank sweet tea instead of formula as a baby"

I got to sing my pop songs, but never as well as I sang his country ones. I always knew he was right, but we both found out later that the raspy bluesy-rock was where I really fit in. And he loved that even more.

One of our favorite places to sing was in nursing homes. We would frequent the same ones and I had adoptive Grandparents and pockets full of star mints every weekend (not sure why all older people do the peppermint thing, but I love that memory). It was a rough lesson as a kid though to run back a few weeks later to a "grandparents" room and find that they had passed away. But I would remember the stories and laughter and the pure joy I could see in their eyes with just these little visits, and I would adopt more. I met and lost some amazing people there.

We had a spectacular show planned on the Fourth of July for our favorite nursing home. A showcase of southern twang and majestic patriotic display. We even brought a large "flag" sheet cake for the residents. My dad had bought a lot of sparklers as well. The plan was to turn the lights off, walk in singing patriotically and carrying this cake with sparklers dancing on top.

It was certainly received well. The residents that could stand, stood and placed their hands on their hearts smiling proudly and singing along. The ones who couldn't stand, still saluted and clapped for the grand spectacle.

We got the cake to the table set it down just as the sparklers burst out from a happy sparkly performance to a full grown fireball.

Image may be slightly exaggerated

The room filled with black smoke, the elderly STILL saluting and singing were now being ushered frantically to the hallway while punch was being poured on the cake and the sprinkler system popped from the ceiling.

There were many little screams and a lot of rolling laughter from the safe residents in the hall.

I don't think 20 cheap sparklers on a sheet cake is such a great idea any more.

Do you agree?

The Monkey Scream Post

Please enjoy a selection of drunk animal pictures and a cute bunny. I have tried to be like my hero Cal from the Canadian Cave of Cool (and hotness), and "funny" them up with my commentary,, no animals were "actually" inebriated in this post,, however the cat refused to give me photo rights until he got a Zanex and a stripper.. dang cats!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

IT!!

You see, I thought that was funny. I was just layin',, starin' at the ceiling in the middle of the night,, happy that my handy dandy alarm clock actually shoots the time ON the ceiling in bright blue digital neon so that I don't have to crank my neck over to watch the minutes that I am NOT sleeping and should be,, pass me by. (It also has a button for soothing rain forest noises should I ever feel primal and need to re-enact a jungle scene with my manpillow,, not that that would ever happen,, but the mental authorities wouldn't be able to prove it if it did).

But that one stupid line came to me and made me giggle. Please laugh at it and support me in my search for humor and laughter.. Are you laughing? Perhaps I should say it... again,, because,,

I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT!!

(this is the part where you laugh and laugh and slap your knee and do that breath and whooooo sound as the laughter subsides and gets a little awkward...)

Laugh like this:

DONG,,, DONG,,, BING!!!!!

I have stuff happening around me, bad stuff. Monday it elevated with no warning into:

OMGWTFAIGD stuff!!

Which roughly translates as:

OhMyGodWhatTheFudgeAmIDonnaDo stuff!!

I have written out post after post explaining it, but never posted them. It's just that I want you all to think of me differently than I actually FEEL right now. And even though I know you all will say things that will make me feel fuzzy and cry sparklet tears, I'd rather make you laugh and have milk exit your nostrils. It just feels better writing that way.

I just can't be negative right now, I don't have time for that. So I will for now spare you from the details until I figure out WTFIAGD!!

A few nights ago my son was at the sitters and the girls were at their dad's. The sitter thankfully took Traxx so I could deal and just breathe with all that is happening. I did not want him to see me crying in a heap on the floor.

And crying in a heap on the floor is pretty much what I did all day with the exception of getting up at 8Pm and doing something odd for me,, drinking 3 beers. Drinking 3 beers makes me an inebriated girl. An inebriated girl does things like turn her Disturbed CD up entirely too F'n loud and do the "Down with the Sickness" famous "Oooh ah ah ah ah" monkey scream thing over and over... and over.. It also causes the texting of nonsense to people on my mind, random dance moves, crying a little more, texting more nonsense, fixing your self up with sparkles and shine and taking naughty shots of your fixed up with sparkle and shine self to text with even more of the latest nonsense,, deleting the naughty shots and crying in a heap on the floor,, again............

Oh,, and also the eating copious amounts of green olives by throwing them up in the air and catching them,, which {{{{{WARNING}}}}} seems to be a lot harder when you are inebriated,,, and should not be tried at home unless you are a seasoned professional as I am..

I also was a little bit frisky and was wishing a plumber would come over to receive thanks for fixing my toilet or that I could flirt inappropriately with the elderly Walmart greeter man.

Should have a bruised thigh

I even acted out the "Tom Cruise" sliding in socks "Risky Business" famous movie scene,, but it was done completely by accident as I just slipped sideways in the kitchen in an a highly un-choreographed rendition,, my ending also did not turn out as cute as his,, (although a large thigh bruise would have been pretty sexy on him).

Should have Bruised fingers

There was even yet another movie nod,, this time to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". When I went in a drawer to get the jar opener that weak inebriated girls use to open precious new jars of Green Olives, I slammed my fingers in the drawer.. I didn't laugh cutely or make the world fall in love with me and call me their "sweetheart",, but,, the pain scream and sobbing directly after the slamming probably could have been mistaken for laughter because I was a bit too dramatic and slow motiony with it,, even hitting my knees and pleading to the heavens "WHY oh,,,,, WH-Y--Y-Y??" with a dramatic sob stutter. Julia would have also looked cute with bruised fingers had her scene been done a little differently. Richard Gere could have handled that situation a little more violently had he watched a "Saw" marathon and been a psychopath "trick" instead of a rich, deep thinking one. Rich deep thinking "tricks" seem totally boring to me.

Reading my texts the next day WAS fun though.. I was actually pretty impressed. For the most part I was very lucid, using many medium sized words and being pretty aware of my spelling and punctuation,, so even in a 3 beer drunken state I am a word whore.

I kept texting about how furious I was because I only had the 3 Michelob Ultra's and the rest was beer from ages ago when someone brought "Blue Moon" over to a social gathering. "Blue Moon" is NOT the beer to drink in a depressed state. With it's "fruity little under notes" and "wheat based goodness",, it's a "mamby- pamby- manscaping my whole body" beer.

I tried to remember what flake brought it so I could make fun of them again and let them know they were not invited should I ever have another social gathering unless they bring REAL beer and prove to me they are not shaved and entirely hairless like a girl,, ah hem,, then I will consider admitting them to the festivities. Wine coolers will also be accepted and "some" manscaping tolerated as I like Wine coolers and it's MY social gathering dammit.

And then I went to sleep.

The end.

And now for your listening pleasure The Invisible Seductress presents:




Note: Every ones alone drunken experience is a deeply personal matter and may be slightly different and more refined than mine. Please be inebriated responsibly---- without "Blue Moon" beer and Walmart greeter fantasies.

NOW MONKEY SCREAM FOR ME!!!