Sunday, December 5, 2010

Well Shave me and slap a MUPPET! (sexy repost I took down because I thought it was too sexy once, but now I'm a skank, sooo)

http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/04/340x_340cosmobraziliancover_01.jpg

I got the newest edition of Cosmopolitan. Now I know that I am not the demographic they are reaching out for (example demographic provided below):

Polly Poodle -Law Student-26-from Chicago

So me tearing the mag apart really is not gonna hurt anybodies feelings.

I usually buy the read for the make-up tips and such and not so much because of the:

101 SEX TRICKS YOU MUST KNOW!!!!

But whatever
...(whispers I know 102!)

This particular issue was "The SEXY Issue" and I knew I would be inside, so purchasing it was a no brainer. But ALAS ,,,, they failed to include me,,,, this oversight shocked me,,,, their sales would have skyrocketed,,,, but then I figured it out,,,, they are going for the understated beauty,,,, I would have been too obvious a choice,,,, I have forgiven them,,,, you should too.

Things you have to look forward to in this issue:

**The 7 BEST orgasm tricks!!!**

Which includes valuable information such as:

Chant a phrase during....... because it helps you mentally focus...

I prefer "ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-OOOOH-ME!!!!" because I am the only one there.

(quick fact-70% of men believe their woman never fake---51% do FAKE....hmmmmm)

**100 LOVE QUESTIONS....answered in 20-words or less....
Because no problem could ever be more than a two liner convo....duh...

(quick fact- One third of 20-26 year old men have sent x-rated photos
of them self via cell- Ok.....geesh..the pipe pics I got were all from men well over that age--this may be a problem guys.... it's not you.. it's me????... hmmmm)

**When you have a SEX GLITCH ......... (how to)....fix it fast....

Which includes such beauties as:

If your vibrator is out of batteries---use the base of your electric toothbrush!!

I can't even tell you what went through my head here..

......Are you KIDDING me??? Minty freshness is a perk though!!!

(quick fact- Apparently there IS an APP FOR THAT!!!....... MyVibe app on iphone...WTF???? Who Knew you could have sex with your cell phone!! ? Mine just receives pipe pics)

But something caught my eye...

It really does not take much to catch my eye,, I am like a crow... Ooooooh shiny...
.................I like SHINY THINGS!!!

It read:

GIVE YOURSELF A BRAZILIAN
(without bursting into tears)

And if you look through the mag they have even generously included this:


Artist's depiction

BIKINI LINE STENCILS!!!!!!
(FACEPALM)

Here are the instructions:

Punch out the shape you desire......
( I punched out "heart" for instructional and demonstration purposes and because I heart you!!)

Place it on your nethers,,, trace it with eyeliner,,, pull skin taut,,, and groom......

!!!!!!! G E N I U S !!!!!!!

I can not imagine anyone opening this magazine and being stoked to find stencils to aid in their netherland grooming needs. How would that go down?

flip,, flip,, flip,,,,,,,,,,,,,, gasp,,, looks around:

OMG!!!

I can TOTALLY rock a heart nether patch now!!! I have NEVER been able to draw a HEART on my own!!!!!"

"THANK YOU COSMO!!!"

Seriously,, if you having trouble with BASIC shape recognition and your artistic boundaries are being crossed while grooming,,, perhaps you should get one of these:

6.00 Pictures, Images and Photos

And do not hold razors.........


But the Coz's descriptions of each bikini line shape REALLY made me laugh!!!

Triangle- The ANYTIME classic----perfect beginner pattern for waxing virgins..

Thank God...Because the waxing virgins of the world all failed Kindergarten and were suffering with inferior shaped....uh....er.......ya knows

Sweetheart- Say I LOVE YOU "COSMO" style

Awwwwww
......I heart heart shaped Nethers!!

Landing Strip- (And sadly, I quote) "It is a change your sex life kind of look.. He will play pilot all night!!"

Does this explanation ONLY creep ME out... Here comes the plane....

fbbbbffftt (spit engine noises)........ here comes the plane.....

...Open up!!!!!

..But
my all time

personal flavorite

COSMO BIKINI STENCIL SHAPE EXPLANATION

IS:

This Way for fun- (an arrow).... To start a game of naughty GPS..

DESTINATION DOWNTOWN!!!!

(insert B rated porn flick music here)


If you need an arrow,,, I have nothing to say to you that you will comprehend.


http://toonbarn.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/avatar-book_1_chapters_1_and_2_00031.jpg

If you want it to look like you have "Ang's" head from Avatar between your legs...

This WOULD be the shape for you!!!

Ang you go and have a good time!!!

(Get it??? I said Ang instead of AND...I slay me....no really....it sounded funny the first time, now you're just being cruel,, stop it,, I have feelings too!!)


Sexy Teacher Pictures, Images and Photos
Blog Students

.....Go get your COSMO ***THE SEXY ISSUE** and turn to page 152....

We are going to address some of the 100 LOVE QUESTIONS---

Slammin' Seductress Style!!!


Ready?????

#21. I always check my husbands Facebook profile,,, weird?

Cosmo- No

IS Answer-No-BUT If his updated status reads "Recently Widowed"........Use caution.......


#68. How do I up my chances of a second date.

Cosmo-Forget there might be one..........(brilliant)

IS Answer- Walk out- wait an hour- come back--if he is still waiting...bip-bang----you are on your second date!! NO FAIL!


#38. We've been dating for quite a while but I still have not met his friends. Why not?

Cosmo - He's not thinking long term

(good answer,,, but let's be honest and blunt here)

IS Answer - He thinks you are a MOPED---his friends all have MOTORCYCLES---mopeds are fun to ride---no one wants their friends to see them on a moped---Move on..... (I should be ashamed)

#76. How do I get him to help out more?

Cosmo- Flattery. Tell him " You are SOOOOOO good at...."
*Hint-This works with Toddlers and puppies too!!!

IS Answer- Uh.... ask nicely stupid,, and do housework nakey style!

#87. I am in my 30s and single, Is it likely I will never marry?

Cosmo- Most people marry

IS Answer- MOST PEOPLE...MOST??? sniffle -- sob--- Why are you so mean to meeeeee....... snort..... sniffle..... cry.....

I gotta go..... sniffle... I hope you are happy now COSMO!!!!!!

17 Seducing Deductions:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I don't think I'll be showing my wife this post... She doesn't need any ideas!

Ken said...

HA! Too funny! Stencils for bikini lines?!

IT said...

You should have put up a warning to "Go pee before reading this post."

csmith2884 said...

Those should come with this end up warnings..poor little blonde girls everywhere with arrows pointing up to their belly buttons..the horror and little biff boy-toys wondering what is gonna fly out at them.

Cheeseboy said...

Now those are stencils I could definitely buy my wife for Christmas!

I thought every Cosmo was the "sexy issue"???

Marlene said...

Remind me to tell you about heart shapes and red dye some day.

Dorn said...

I must have missed something in the explanation of a Brazilian when I was younger. I didn't realize there was anything left to "shape." Oh and I loved your advice...especially to #38. So spot on.

Clyde said...

Loved the stencils
I wonder if cookie cutters would work.
Little teddy bear shapes---then trim down to a number one like chocolate sprinkles

Jim said...

I like the cookie cutter idea at this time of year, too, to bring that extra touch of holiday cheer to an otherwise run-of-the-mill intimate moment, lol.

A little Santa head shape, perhaps . . . Christmas tree? . . . a present to open (mmmm) . . . Rudolph's head? (line the nose up carefully) . . . I'd probably steer clear of the little baby Jesuses, to avoid unnecessary mental baggage.

XO

The Invisible Seductress said...

You guys crack me up, I don't know what to say!!! buwahahahaha

Va-ja-ja decorating must be a craze now!! ;}

Heff said...

I thought EVERY issue of Cosmo was the "Sexy" issue.

cuttin' out those stencils.....

csmith2884 said...

"Va-ja-ja decorating must be a craze now!!" So much fun to lick the icing off too...

mac said...

I think I'll take the idea of the va-jay-jay decorating stencils and apply it to the male gender.

Maybe a manicurd lawn look to show of the flag pole? ....we'll see who salutes
Of course, the arrow is a unisex design...I'm with stupid ---> ?

I'll work on it, then send you pics of the results ;-)

Sir Thomas said...

hey... whats 102?

can you show me?

Georgina Dollface said...

COSMO forgot the "Get lucky four leaf clover". (Not that I think about this stuff or anything.) - G

Jake said...

lol, that was awesome. :D

raha85 said...

nice article

sex

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