Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Behold, I give you: The Circus Peanut

I would like to bring up a very important and socially relevant issue: Circus Peanuts. Now I know some of you are shaking your heads and questioning the logic behind a Circus Peanut being important or relevant in any conversation, but just hear me out. We give Circus Peanuts no consideration in the candy aisle. Many of you don’t even notice the fresh bag of peanuts you are passing buy at Walgreen’s and the crystallized sugar tears the Circus Peanut manufacturers shed due to the lack of patronage given to their pride and joy candy product. I feel it necessary to give you some things to think about the next time you shrug off this delectable confection made from the syrup of the heavens. And since it is the holiday season, think of the joy you will bring to your loved ones with a stocking full of Circus Peanuts!!

Let’s start our thesis with a look at the product’s name- CIRCUS PEANUT.

The name alone screams:

!! H A P P Y !!

I mean who is NOT happy at the Circus? (Except maybe the elephants, but they do look pretty contented when they are mowing over their abusers on a terrifying rampage!) And yes, maybe there is a clown or two whose face is PAINTED sad, but I am sure they are ALL smiling on the inside!! I know, I know, SOME kids are frightened of The Worlds Fattest Bearded Woman (with lobster claw hands), especially when she is married to The Worlds Shortest Man (who also is tattooed to look like an alien), but those people are happily in love and isn’t this more of a poor social acceptance issue, rather than a “I hate the circus” point?

Everybody loves a freaking circus!

And speaking of names, for the Circus Peanut to actually be named out of shape alone and NOT ingredient, well, that took a lot of kerbangers I’d say! There is nary a peanut product in a “Circus Peanut” but their trademark shape takes up the slack and fulfils any assumed name requirements.

I have never heard anyone complain about the lack of peanut product in a Circus Peanut and yes, children deathly allergic of peanuts can consume this product freely and feel normal for just a brief moment in time by saying:

“I am eating a PEANUT and NOT dieing or puffy!!”

(I need a minute here, this is a very emotional thing the Circus Peanut has done!)

What other product can do THAT???

Circus Peanuts also NEVER spoil, they crystallize, so if you are not storing pounds of them in your hurricane/bomb shelter, than you are missing out on the sustenance worthy of kings and queens and can eat beans for all I care, yes, the ones with the fake hot dog slices.

As an added bonus, if you ever wanted to sleep upon a therapeutic mattress but don’t have the financial ability to purchase one, Circus Peanuts make a lovely bedding alternative! They are the same exact consistency as memory foam and release a bonus whiff of sweet, sweet air with every usage. Also, to those of you who have ever had a strange dream and woke up in disgust chewing on your pillow, this would never be a problem with a Circus Peanut Pillow:

The outcome is ALWAYS sweet!!

I know I have given you a lot to think about and process, I would like to thank you for your time.

I sincerely hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of true confectionery bliss.

11 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

Amighty, woman. I need to know what the deal is with these things! I mean really?! Hahaha.

Love you!

Mr. Condescending said...

omg no offense but I HATE circus peanuts haha.

I pretty much eat no candy at all (but love most sweets).

Ca88andra said...

For someone who doesn't like the circus and finds any peanuts uninviting (although will eat them at a pinch) you manage to make me want to eat circus peanuts!

Mister Sharaf said...

great post :)

Autumn said...

mmmmm circus peanuts...yum! very clever writing as usual. you always make me smile.

hey listen...i've included you in my 3 christmas wishes post if you care to have a peek.

loves autumn

Anonymous said...

Until today, every time you talked about wanting a Circus Peanut, I really thought you were talking about a circus peanut - you know, the kind that they throw at elephants because, um, apparently elephants like peanuts (??) So I'm quite confused to now find out that these Circus Peanuts are candy!! (I blame my lack of confectionery knowledge on the fact that I am Canadian.) Now, these olives that you are also always talking about, they are actually olives and not some candy made out of marzipan, right? :) - G

Penny said...

Circus peanuts are the unsung heros of the candy world, and ones I didn't come to appreciate until I was an adult :).

Powdered Toast Man said...

I must of read it wrong somewhere because I have been sleeping on a mattress full of real peanuts. Not nearly as comfy and the circus peanut one you described.

My marshmallow peep futon is holding up nicely though.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

And if you use them in your mattress, they double as a midnight snack! said...

Oh my gorsh, I am with Georgina. I did not get that the Circus Peanut is a sweet, sweet thing. I must get me some pronto. Thanks for this post. It was enlightening.
Love ya,

Anonymous said...

I overdosed as a child on them.

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