The George Foreman Grill Theory...well not really....

I had a mad craving for steak. FYI, being a poor person and steak don't blend well. I NEVER get steak. "This weekend would be different!!!" I claimed as I drove to Publix for my weekly Ramen noodle jaunt. I shall have my steak and eat it too! (I actually added "damn it" for effect in real life, but left it out here because I know you revere my angelic side so much).

But,,,,,, I WOULD have steak tonight!

Almost.

It sounded hopeful, right?

I scoured the meat aisle for a "cost friendly" cut of steak. I looked around for someone with 1,002 bottles of mustard and 52 boxes of denture cream in their cart to help me out with a coupon, to no avail.

I perked my boobs up and searched for a cute "meat-man", but they were all otherwise engaged.

I was on my own.

I came across "mock" steak which was perfectly red and marbled,,,, and cheap. Very cheap. It tickled my fancy and I cradled it softly as I added it to my shiny, one wheel squealing cart. I sang "feelings" to it to tenderize it.

The "steak" sucked. But as the title points out, this post is NOT about that steak (or is it), but it's really NOT about George Foreman either. Although I assume he is a nice man... It is really not even about the grill! But the grill is my gateway for the post, so here goes.

You see I have a long history with the GF grill. I love it. Mine is very old and bulky and always sparks at me as I unplug it (asshole). I hear they come in shiny red with a bun warmer now and I dream of the day I own that magnificent creature! I got mine from an ex-boyfriend. Best thing he ever left me.

And there is my gateway, clever tain't it?

Every time I use that grill I think of him. The memories flush back and overflow with crap like a toilet on the fritz. It is really hard to enjoy any food after I cook it on that grill, but I try. He was hotter than a dime in the sun on a Pheonix highway. He was the first relationship after my divorce. But he had issues, as we all do.

I took something valuable away from that relationship as I did with all that I have had (which actually are very few). One guy left a DVD player years ago before I was even married. AC/DC t-shirts from another, this computer from someone I dated all of 3 dates (parting gift I assume as I found out the creep was still married). I had a bottle of "Axe" body wash in my shower for months after a break up (Because it smells so damn good and I am pathetic like that when it comes to all things olfactory).

But more than worldly items, an insight to who I am and where I need to go.

I have been alone for quite sometime (1902) because I have not in any way shape or form put myself out there. But also I assume because of my health and financial issues and definately because I spend most of my time with my kids. I wonder when "my" time will come and am sick of people asking "what's wrong with you girlfriend?" as I seem to be the only single person left in the world.

People feel sorry for you if you are alone. I do not want to be set up with the busboy at I-hop thank you very little. Do you assume that is as high as I can dream to net as a boyfriend? The pancake benefits would be nice though.

The other day a VERY young Indian man asked me out. But,,, he said "nothing official" in the request and I still ponder what that meant and also he smelled like an incense stick (but that kind of turned me on, see also "Axe" paragraph above for a point of reference).

Later that same day a gentleman I had helped at my job a year ago came in. He was visiting the town again and said he made a "special" trip to see if I was still working there. He asked me to go to Jacksonville with him to "get away". I don't know if it was "official" or not. He will not be called.

I really am not sure if I am ready for any of this yet. Still. Even after all of these years. I think I am though.. Am I weird for that? Is it strange that I started to stutter like the cheeto's cat when propositioned? Aye-eee-aye-eee-aye--- It's not easy being cheezy.....Is that sexy? One FB friend said yes!! :)





I am not sure when the "weird crocheting catlady down the street" age starts, but I think I have a few years left. In the mean time, pretzel-boy at the mall suggestions from you will be accepted and ridiculed at my discretion, although he was a cute piece of spam I must admit.......

Because I will no longer accept "mock steak" to compensate for the real thing!!!

Ahhhhh.... the steak WAS a metaphor!!!

I am brilliant really....

Do a jig with me please.

I am stumped. Blank. Befuddled with a loss of words. No really, this can ACTUALLY
happen to me of all people!

The rambling run-on sentence Queen,,, can actually go empty on imagination/motivation/humor/inspiration. It is rare, but it happens. These are the moments
I slip into my striped toe socks, massage the head of a pink haired troll doll (complete with piercings and a tattoo of a purple elephant on a unicycle) and hum. I always hum something patriotic whilst
wearing a tin foil head piece and thinking of corn on the cob (because THAT'S patriotic fare).

Sometimes after humming, I dance.

Well, it's more of a jig actually, but I do it. Not only because jigging is a lost art form, but also
because I imagine I am sexy when I jig. I like imagining I am sexy, but it's a vicious cycle
really, because it forces me to jig more.

Have you ever jigged?

But I know you may be wondering why I am stumped.

You are aren't you???

Well if you are not, then the whole concept of this post is lost on you.

Oh, you are??? Good. I hate lost post concepts.

I am stumped because as I look around this world I see bad people doing well. I mean really
awful people who are selfish and cruel and unapologetic to both, succeeding. At least
from the surface, financially, in their love life and health, they appear to be.

But then, I see people who give when they don't have, love when they should walk away and offer support when they need it the most, failing.

And I don't understand.

But when you ask them....

They say...

They are blessed.

And they are.

Because they get it.

They don't miss noticing and appreciating the smaller things. Like a sunbeam. Or the way the water looks like a jewel box when that sunbeam hits it. The look in someone's eye when they receive a compliment. How a child runs faster in new shoes. The peace someone has before they leave this earth, satisfied that they did their part. A squirrel's chirping in the morning. The duck with her ducklings (your car is actually holding them up from the start of their day too). How intricate a dragonfly's wings are. The wonderful feeling of giving... anonymously.

In all actuality, we should be jealous of them.

So when you feel you are failing.... in love.... in your health... financially... ALL THREE??

There are things you can be doing. I hope and believe that if I inspire just one person,
I have made a difference in this world.

And that is enough of an answer to "Why am I here?". Isn't it?

And people ARE noticing that you glow (not in a toxic way) but in a heavenly way.

And all you awful people don't have to "get" it.

In your awfulness, you cause me to be befuddled, which allows me to wear striped toe
socks, which allows an edgy troll to have a head massage, causes me to don tinfoil, hum patriotically
and most importantly... makes me jig.

And maybe that is the only inspiration you have to give.

But that makes me feel sexy. And for that, I thank you.

Welcome Back to the Portal of Insanity

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I can hear you screaming that and doing your little "she's back beaches" dance!

Strangely enough,,, it is a very becoming dance for you... I would have never thought to pair up a Quaker Oatmeal tube hat, neon spandex and a tin foil bow tie with it,,,  but still, all in all, you REALLY pull that off!!!

But what exactly should an Invisible Seductress "welcome back" post consist of to make it legendary?

Well???

I suppose I would need to add a little sex.

Although,,, it HAS been a while.... (1902 to be exact-wearing a steampunk outfit, make-
shift stillettos and blowing a kazoo,,  under a horse drawn carriage,,, with a man called Doomerschmitzenpop,,,, ah yeah,,, it is a very vivid memory baby....)

So maybe I should just "do me" in this post.

No. maybe that came out wrong... That is NOT what I meant,,, but thank you for tainting this otherwise family orientated blog post with your thoughts of me "doing me" when alls I REALLY meant was I need to post about the things I used to post about... Sheesh....
(hands you soap,,,,, dirty mouth.... now go to my room!!)

Ok,, where was I? Oh yes, writing about the things I used ta. Lets break it down...

Farts.... still funny
Michael Landon-Brendan Fraiser-David Beckham's abs.... still sexy...
Vodka.... still makes me dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid...
Sparkles.... still make me all giddy...
Green Olives/Green Jello.... still the breakfast of champions...
Sporks.... still the most unappreciated utensil...
Bacon....

Yes Bacon... still wonderful... A wise woman told me that bacon should have sparkles.

Think about it.

Sparkles REALLY are the ONLY thing that could improve bacon,, they improve everything...

Spam... Wait,,, I am getting flustered,,,

What if the Spam made a fart sound as it was taken out of the can by Brendan Frasier and served on a Michael Landon limited edition serving plate,,, and what if we wrapped said sparkled bacon AROUND that Spam that was festering in green jello INSTEAD of that amber colored congealant stuffy junk,,,,, AND the top of the Spam loaf was carved like David Beckham's abs with Green Olive nipples and of course,,, I eat this with a Spork for breakfast while I sip Vodka through a twirly straw and dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid....

I almost forgot...

Twirly straws... still think they should be included in every meal....

Hmmmm.... Interesting.......

Things have not really changed a lot here. We had a hurricane/tropical storm/tropical depression/storm front/freaking rain episode named Beryl last weekend. No one is scared of ANYTHING named Beryl. I have never met a Beryl,,, but I suppose a Beryl could be fiercely manly... I remember a hurricane a few years ago that had a really, really manly name and was the King Daddeo of bad Mamba Jamba Hurricanes... I can't remember it's name though... I actually had sex with a Greek God type man the WHOLE time it was coming through my town... It was a wonderfully hard hitting storm...The whole freaking time... What was it's name???

Oh yes... Hurricane Dream... cause it never really happened... It was just a dream... Damn...

Wow. Uh. Er. Maybe you forgot I ramble alot but am strangely weird (in a good way, I hope) and fun to imagine co-wearing striped toe socks and rolling down a grassy knoll whilst singing "The Hills are Alive" with....

Or maybe I just lost the last few followers that ACTUALLY would have read my posts...

Either way....

Welcome back to the portal of insanity that you know you will come back to because,,,,,

well,,,,,

Just because...

(I hope)

The First Christmas in Spring!!!

I miss blogging so very bad! If anyone is still out there, I miss you!!! I HAD to post SOMETHING for Christmas as I always do so this is it. Hopefully I will be back soon…..
I feel the best holiday memories can be made when we read to our children. As they sit cross-legged in footed pajamas, they hang on every word. Between melodious giggles and sips of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows…NEVER skimp on this part), you can see the light in their eyes and the excitement of the holiday season. So, with this in mind I wanted to give the children in my life (and yours) the gift of an original Christmas story.
Merry Christmas to one and all!!


The First Christmas in Spring!!

In a forest so enchanted, no humans have been … there’s a wintery scene, up a hill, ‘round the bend. The Great Deer has called for a gathering there, he has information, he feels he should share.

There are mice on the scurry, hooting owls in the trees and a crowd of little bunnies … you can count if you please!!!

Climbing out from her home is a sleepy box turtle; her mom LOVES to rhyme, so she named her Myrtle!!!

A lizard is hanging upside down, from a branch; Naughty skunk wants to join … should we give him a chance? …………..

P-U!!!

Some frogs are arranged, in a row, on a log, by two clever Badgers drinking homemade eggnog.

A squirrel is digging and searching for nuts. He loses and drops them; he’s such a big klutz!!!

Mrs. Timber wolf howls, to call them to order ... Raccoon flashes some pictures … she’s the forest reporter!

The animals are happy, what a beautiful season! But why are they there? Great Deer shares the reason:

“Mr. Bear is so helpful; we all call him “friend”! And if you need a paw, then it’s FOUR that he’ll lend! But if he always goes sleeping, at the first sign of snow, the magic of Christmas, he NEVER will know!!! He is away from the joy that this season can bring … by the time he wakes up, it’s already SPRING!!!”

“But what can we do?” Mrs. Porcupine hollers “We can’t wake him up; we would be such a bother!”

The animals agree and they chirp and they chatter. Great Deer stomps his hooves, to stop all the clatter.

“We won’t wake him up” Deer states, to correct her “Let’s bring Christmas to him, at the end of this winter! We can string rows of garland, paint cones made of pine and hang shiny ornaments on a tree from a vine!”

“Let’s bring him some goodies!” The skunk says with a smile “He’s probably STARVI NG; he’s been sleeping a while!! We can get some big honeycombs, to place by his door, the bees are so generous and they’ll always make more!! Fruits and berries can be hung by HIS chimney with care; Bear’s rumbly tummy soon WON’T be THERE!!”


They were all so excited, they just couldn’t wait! The spirit of giving makes a GOOD Christmas G-R-E-A-T!!


Soon the snow would all fade and the flowers were in bloom and Bear awoke from his slumber, to come out of his room.

He yawned and he scratched and he stretched VERY loud, all the animals gathered; there was quite a big crowd!

By the time Bear stepped out, they had started to sing, it was the very first Christmas……..


………. IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING!!

The End

Sending many Willy Nilly "pee spot in the pool" warm greetings to you!

I miss you all.

I know that is a bit vague, but writing here is important to me. Nobody else EVER listens to me.

No, no, don't cry for me Argentina!

But.....

I will have to shut the Droid down, and that means no Blogger posting, Facebooking, emails or anything else even remotely socially networkinish! I do hope to get back online someday soon but it will be tough until then.

I really doubt that anyone will actually listen in real life whilst I share about my love of Jello and David Beckham's abs, and licking jello off of David Beckham's abs while simultaneously knitting toe socks for the Elephants of the Zimboboaweaou villages, which is pretty ridiculous because, well, elephants really don't have toes, do they? Or be captivated while I share how that instead of Elephant toe sock knitting I start to Crochet scarves for the Giraffes of the Zimboboaweaou Villages because I really do want to be relevant in my angelic endeavors,, but I find crocheting scarves for Giraffes is very tedious work and I only get one row done before I decide to instead make pot holders for the neighboring Zim Zim Village Mice and this is VERY lucrative work because I can lick ALL the Jello off the first row of David Beckham's abs AND make 10,o52 pot holders for the mice of Zim Zim Village!!

So basically,, I am a HERO to everyone EXCEPT the Zimboboaweaou Elephants who have now barged in to inform me that their "toeish" like things are indeed very cold and striped knitted toe sock(s) really would improve their quality of life. Also, I find out tthat the normally accepting Zimbobweaou Giraffes are a little miffed and rioting because I didn't even offer to refer them to a more qualified Giraffe neck scarf crocheting service and consequently, this is also affecting THEIR quality of life!!

But the Zim Zim Mice kinda sort of still like me even though they don't own pots,, at least THEY can see the beauty in the thought of my gift!

Are you lost? No?? You mean you ACTUALLY understand this smattering of a story and wish to hear more?

That is PRECISELY why I miss you so!!

You respect my usage of a run-on sentence, afterall, they ARE the WD-40 of written word. You also understand that run-on sentences, in spoken word, don't hold any gravity and respect my gift of sharing them all willy nilly and wild like..

So now, if you are still reading this, I offer you a warm thank you, and not like a "swimming through a pee spot in the pool" warm either,, this is a tightly squeezed sweetened with Splenda Thank you for all the comments, and all the support and laughs you have given me warm...

And although I really do wish I could offer you more than just a simple albeit warm "thank you" for all the lub,,,,, my hands are stiff from the crocheting and knitting and grand parades in my honor,,, (oh, and also I am a little vroom, vroom over all of the Jello ab licking talk as well,,) *cough*

But seriously......Thank you!!!!!

Drops of Jupiter

This is a repost, but it is one of my favorite posts and always seems relevant. i donst get to do the elaborate picturing anymore and posting is difficult even more so coming up as I will be downgrading my phone and unable to blog from it. I hope that all who read this (possibly again) will smile and enjoy the ride.

You are looking straight up to nothing but blue sky. A chain crank, gears catch in a rhythmic song of anticipation.

First quickly,,, click,click,click,click......

.......Then it slows down, click.......click......cl--ick.....

Each jerk of the gears catching, jars your body back. Your view is still the same, blue skies and now,, gallons of clouds seem to be so close you can swirl them onto a long paper Cotton Candy cone.

You turn into a child again and wonder:

How would clouds be flavored?????

What does something so pure and white taste of?????

But your thoughts deviate as the clicking has stopped and you are at the very tip top of the incline. You are posed for descent, looking down at the car formed in red around you, lightening stripes decorating the sides, your only security from the drop off ahead.

Moments linger as your breath races to catch up with your heart and wind blows your hair in your mouth.

If you are lucky, a hand from the seat next to you reaches out to you and embraces each finger with love.

If you are alone, the strength you gather within yourself is even more of a gift.


Is it too late to question the safety of this roller coaster?

Yes.

You look at the tracks and plot your trip down them apprehensively,, but they seem to disappear beneath your gaze.

Do you have faith that they are still there, even if they are out of your circumspect vision?

Yes.

Will you raise your hands and try to lift yourself off the security of the seat, accentuating the adventure of inertia even more and.......

LETTING GO AT THE DROP OFF??????

Or will you close your eyes and hug the harness, screaming at every motion, angle and change of orientation......

TOO SCARED TO LET IT REALLY EFFECT YOU???????

In life we have no option but to ride the track we are on at the time. We may be able to bend and curve the track at times, but to do that.....

......we have to let go of the safety harness and trust ourselves!

What would life be like if we never had a reason to raise our hands high in the air and experience whatever lies in front of us, for what it really is,,,,,,,

Another Adventure

Outcomes will vary but the ride should always be experienced freely, without the reservations of doubt welling up as a result of the last ride you took.

Each ride can be different even if the tracks look the same at first glance.

If you change the way you look at things,,,,,,

,,,,,,the things you look at change

What moments are engraved in your memory banks?

The first time someone held your hand-- Getting an A+ on a test you studied for all night--Your first crush actually KNOWING you are alive--That first kiss--Your first roller coaster ride--The taste of the summers first honeysuckle flower--Fireworks watched from the hood of a broke down Chevy truck--The first time you hit the gas and went 90MPH--The moment you realized you were making love to the right one--Watching your newborn scream, through tears of happiness--Puppy kisses--Letting go-or-Holding on-or-just knowing when--Finally climbing that mountain--Running away with him--Coming back without him--Loving your beautiful smile--Smiling in beautiful love--

Tasting your first Cotton Candy Cloud

Whatever track you are on.....

...there will be "wooden roller coaster" shake your existence moments.....

But the wonderful "metal track" loop-de-loops and twisty twirls will always be awaiting you for the next ride......

Don't be afraid to buy the tickets and stand in line for the next surprising, wonderful, exhilarating, redeeming, freeing, chilling, miraculous and

ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS

Roller Coaster Ride Of Life

.....And please take me with you...I am a Roller Coaster Junkie!!

Please enjoy "Drops of Jupiter" by Train:

Perhaps you have some advice...

Oh parenting...the drama...the tears...the bodily fluid clean-up..

Does it ever get easier?

Seductressville is an interesting place to live.. It's where all the neighbors knit rainbow toe socks for Troll dolls and sweet little cozies for our 3lb green gummy bears (all the other colors are on their own),, and we lay on thermapudic Circus Peanut mattresses releasing the sweet smell of what dreams are made of whilst we tell tales of Unicorns delicately painting each individual rainbow and naming flowers and Ninja warriors after us.

Sadly, not even this perfect scenario will make their transition from childhood seamless.

These kids lighten my world but also cause an incalculable level of worry and distress, every day.

So, as I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and chanting about cookies and milk (by cookies I mean xanex and by milk, I mean Pink Cosmo's), I hope you understand.

Yet, through all the struggle, I know the days are quickly passing me by and it saddens me.

The freckles painted perfectly on little noses and cheeks are fading--Soon the days of stepping on defiant plastic Superheros with every shower will be gone--Or finding that my razor was used to sneak and shave the babyfine hair on little tanned legs by sweet tiny unprofessionally painted neon colored clad fingernailed hands--the days of candy wrappers hidden in drawers, gone-- Strangely-miniature but still over exaggerated brazierish undergarments won't hide in the back of my dryer--Yes, even the underwear will have a makeover, no more colrful days of the week or fruit, cup cakes and ice cream cones, or even Spongebob will be printed on them as bribery to remember to change them EVERY day--They will soon pretend they are too "mature" to want that free lollipop at the bank, but the fact that they are named "dum-dum pops" will still lead to an hour of hilarity--"Nonsters" won't hide under beds, allowing me to multi-task by spraying an unmarked bottle of Febreeze as "de-monster" protectant on the bed--Nobody's feet will dangle from a shopping cart awaiting a cookie from the bakery (sadly, people will ALWAYS look at me strangely as I dangle my feet from the cart while I savor Publix's sugar cookies). I'll miss popsicle smiles and pictures on the refrigerator of stick figures that still look surprisingly just like our family, even with the lack of fingers and joints.

We won't always be their hero. They probably won't even like me for a large periond of time coming up real soon. I won't be able to control the way other people see them or even more importantly, how they see themselves. I can only hope that they realize that only they can control their self worth. This is a hard lesson that I can not even attest to have learned 100%, few can. But it's one that is invaluable. I had a friend tell me that she is the most "her" that she has ever been before. That translates into happines however you slice it. What a revelation for us to teach to our children. How do you do this with your kids?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7