Welcome Back to the Portal of Insanity

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I can hear you screaming that and doing your little "she's back beaches" dance!

Strangely enough,,, it is a very becoming dance for you... I would have never thought to pair up a Quaker Oatmeal tube hat, neon spandex and a tin foil bow tie with it,,,  but still, all in all, you REALLY pull that off!!!

But what exactly should an Invisible Seductress "welcome back" post consist of to make it legendary?

Well???

I suppose I would need to add a little sex.

Although,,, it HAS been a while.... (1902 to be exact-wearing a steampunk outfit, make-
shift stillettos and blowing a kazoo,,  under a horse drawn carriage,,, with a man called Doomerschmitzenpop,,,, ah yeah,,, it is a very vivid memory baby....)

So maybe I should just "do me" in this post.

No. maybe that came out wrong... That is NOT what I meant,,, but thank you for tainting this otherwise family orientated blog post with your thoughts of me "doing me" when alls I REALLY meant was I need to post about the things I used to post about... Sheesh....
(hands you soap,,,,, dirty mouth.... now go to my room!!)

Ok,, where was I? Oh yes, writing about the things I used ta. Lets break it down...

Farts.... still funny
Michael Landon-Brendan Fraiser-David Beckham's abs.... still sexy...
Vodka.... still makes me dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid...
Sparkles.... still make me all giddy...
Green Olives/Green Jello.... still the breakfast of champions...
Sporks.... still the most unappreciated utensil...
Bacon....

Yes Bacon... still wonderful... A wise woman told me that bacon should have sparkles.

Think about it.

Sparkles REALLY are the ONLY thing that could improve bacon,, they improve everything...

Spam... Wait,,, I am getting flustered,,,

What if the Spam made a fart sound as it was taken out of the can by Brendan Frasier and served on a Michael Landon limited edition serving plate,,, and what if we wrapped said sparkled bacon AROUND that Spam that was festering in green jello INSTEAD of that amber colored congealant stuffy junk,,,,, AND the top of the Spam loaf was carved like David Beckham's abs with Green Olive nipples and of course,,, I eat this with a Spork for breakfast while I sip Vodka through a twirly straw and dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid....

I almost forgot...

Twirly straws... still think they should be included in every meal....

Hmmmm.... Interesting.......

Things have not really changed a lot here. We had a hurricane/tropical storm/tropical depression/storm front/freaking rain episode named Beryl last weekend. No one is scared of ANYTHING named Beryl. I have never met a Beryl,,, but I suppose a Beryl could be fiercely manly... I remember a hurricane a few years ago that had a really, really manly name and was the King Daddeo of bad Mamba Jamba Hurricanes... I can't remember it's name though... I actually had sex with a Greek God type man the WHOLE time it was coming through my town... It was a wonderfully hard hitting storm...The whole freaking time... What was it's name???

Oh yes... Hurricane Dream... cause it never really happened... It was just a dream... Damn...

Wow. Uh. Er. Maybe you forgot I ramble alot but am strangely weird (in a good way, I hope) and fun to imagine co-wearing striped toe socks and rolling down a grassy knoll whilst singing "The Hills are Alive" with....

Or maybe I just lost the last few followers that ACTUALLY would have read my posts...

Either way....

Welcome back to the portal of insanity that you know you will come back to because,,,,,

well,,,,,

Just because...

(I hope)

The First Christmas in Spring!!!

I miss blogging so very bad! If anyone is still out there, I miss you!!! I HAD to post SOMETHING for Christmas as I always do so this is it. Hopefully I will be back soon…..
I feel the best holiday memories can be made when we read to our children. As they sit cross-legged in footed pajamas, they hang on every word. Between melodious giggles and sips of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows…NEVER skimp on this part), you can see the light in their eyes and the excitement of the holiday season. So, with this in mind I wanted to give the children in my life (and yours) the gift of an original Christmas story.
Merry Christmas to one and all!!


The First Christmas in Spring!!

In a forest so enchanted, no humans have been … there’s a wintery scene, up a hill, ‘round the bend. The Great Deer has called for a gathering there, he has information, he feels he should share.

There are mice on the scurry, hooting owls in the trees and a crowd of little bunnies … you can count if you please!!!

Climbing out from her home is a sleepy box turtle; her mom LOVES to rhyme, so she named her Myrtle!!!

A lizard is hanging upside down, from a branch; Naughty skunk wants to join … should we give him a chance? …………..

P-U!!!

Some frogs are arranged, in a row, on a log, by two clever Badgers drinking homemade eggnog.

A squirrel is digging and searching for nuts. He loses and drops them; he’s such a big klutz!!!

Mrs. Timber wolf howls, to call them to order ... Raccoon flashes some pictures … she’s the forest reporter!

The animals are happy, what a beautiful season! But why are they there? Great Deer shares the reason:

“Mr. Bear is so helpful; we all call him “friend”! And if you need a paw, then it’s FOUR that he’ll lend! But if he always goes sleeping, at the first sign of snow, the magic of Christmas, he NEVER will know!!! He is away from the joy that this season can bring … by the time he wakes up, it’s already SPRING!!!”

“But what can we do?” Mrs. Porcupine hollers “We can’t wake him up; we would be such a bother!”

The animals agree and they chirp and they chatter. Great Deer stomps his hooves, to stop all the clatter.

“We won’t wake him up” Deer states, to correct her “Let’s bring Christmas to him, at the end of this winter! We can string rows of garland, paint cones made of pine and hang shiny ornaments on a tree from a vine!”

“Let’s bring him some goodies!” The skunk says with a smile “He’s probably STARVI NG; he’s been sleeping a while!! We can get some big honeycombs, to place by his door, the bees are so generous and they’ll always make more!! Fruits and berries can be hung by HIS chimney with care; Bear’s rumbly tummy soon WON’T be THERE!!”


They were all so excited, they just couldn’t wait! The spirit of giving makes a GOOD Christmas G-R-E-A-T!!


Soon the snow would all fade and the flowers were in bloom and Bear awoke from his slumber, to come out of his room.

He yawned and he scratched and he stretched VERY loud, all the animals gathered; there was quite a big crowd!

By the time Bear stepped out, they had started to sing, it was the very first Christmas……..


………. IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING!!

The End

Sending many Willy Nilly "pee spot in the pool" warm greetings to you!

I miss you all.

I know that is a bit vague, but writing here is important to me. Nobody else EVER listens to me.

No, no, don't cry for me Argentina!

But.....

I will have to shut the Droid down, and that means no Blogger posting, Facebooking, emails or anything else even remotely socially networkinish! I do hope to get back online someday soon but it will be tough until then.

I really doubt that anyone will actually listen in real life whilst I share about my love of Jello and David Beckham's abs, and licking jello off of David Beckham's abs while simultaneously knitting toe socks for the Elephants of the Zimboboaweaou villages, which is pretty ridiculous because, well, elephants really don't have toes, do they? Or be captivated while I share how that instead of Elephant toe sock knitting I start to Crochet scarves for the Giraffes of the Zimboboaweaou Villages because I really do want to be relevant in my angelic endeavors,, but I find crocheting scarves for Giraffes is very tedious work and I only get one row done before I decide to instead make pot holders for the neighboring Zim Zim Village Mice and this is VERY lucrative work because I can lick ALL the Jello off the first row of David Beckham's abs AND make 10,o52 pot holders for the mice of Zim Zim Village!!

So basically,, I am a HERO to everyone EXCEPT the Zimboboaweaou Elephants who have now barged in to inform me that their "toeish" like things are indeed very cold and striped knitted toe sock(s) really would improve their quality of life. Also, I find out tthat the normally accepting Zimbobweaou Giraffes are a little miffed and rioting because I didn't even offer to refer them to a more qualified Giraffe neck scarf crocheting service and consequently, this is also affecting THEIR quality of life!!

But the Zim Zim Mice kinda sort of still like me even though they don't own pots,, at least THEY can see the beauty in the thought of my gift!

Are you lost? No?? You mean you ACTUALLY understand this smattering of a story and wish to hear more?

That is PRECISELY why I miss you so!!

You respect my usage of a run-on sentence, afterall, they ARE the WD-40 of written word. You also understand that run-on sentences, in spoken word, don't hold any gravity and respect my gift of sharing them all willy nilly and wild like..

So now, if you are still reading this, I offer you a warm thank you, and not like a "swimming through a pee spot in the pool" warm either,, this is a tightly squeezed sweetened with Splenda Thank you for all the comments, and all the support and laughs you have given me warm...

And although I really do wish I could offer you more than just a simple albeit warm "thank you" for all the lub,,,,, my hands are stiff from the crocheting and knitting and grand parades in my honor,,, (oh, and also I am a little vroom, vroom over all of the Jello ab licking talk as well,,) *cough*

But seriously......Thank you!!!!!

Drops of Jupiter

This is a repost, but it is one of my favorite posts and always seems relevant. i donst get to do the elaborate picturing anymore and posting is difficult even more so coming up as I will be downgrading my phone and unable to blog from it. I hope that all who read this (possibly again) will smile and enjoy the ride.

You are looking straight up to nothing but blue sky. A chain crank, gears catch in a rhythmic song of anticipation.

First quickly,,, click,click,click,click......

.......Then it slows down, click.......click......cl--ick.....

Each jerk of the gears catching, jars your body back. Your view is still the same, blue skies and now,, gallons of clouds seem to be so close you can swirl them onto a long paper Cotton Candy cone.

You turn into a child again and wonder:

How would clouds be flavored?????

What does something so pure and white taste of?????

But your thoughts deviate as the clicking has stopped and you are at the very tip top of the incline. You are posed for descent, looking down at the car formed in red around you, lightening stripes decorating the sides, your only security from the drop off ahead.

Moments linger as your breath races to catch up with your heart and wind blows your hair in your mouth.

If you are lucky, a hand from the seat next to you reaches out to you and embraces each finger with love.

If you are alone, the strength you gather within yourself is even more of a gift.


Is it too late to question the safety of this roller coaster?

Yes.

You look at the tracks and plot your trip down them apprehensively,, but they seem to disappear beneath your gaze.

Do you have faith that they are still there, even if they are out of your circumspect vision?

Yes.

Will you raise your hands and try to lift yourself off the security of the seat, accentuating the adventure of inertia even more and.......

LETTING GO AT THE DROP OFF??????

Or will you close your eyes and hug the harness, screaming at every motion, angle and change of orientation......

TOO SCARED TO LET IT REALLY EFFECT YOU???????

In life we have no option but to ride the track we are on at the time. We may be able to bend and curve the track at times, but to do that.....

......we have to let go of the safety harness and trust ourselves!

What would life be like if we never had a reason to raise our hands high in the air and experience whatever lies in front of us, for what it really is,,,,,,,

Another Adventure

Outcomes will vary but the ride should always be experienced freely, without the reservations of doubt welling up as a result of the last ride you took.

Each ride can be different even if the tracks look the same at first glance.

If you change the way you look at things,,,,,,

,,,,,,the things you look at change

What moments are engraved in your memory banks?

The first time someone held your hand-- Getting an A+ on a test you studied for all night--Your first crush actually KNOWING you are alive--That first kiss--Your first roller coaster ride--The taste of the summers first honeysuckle flower--Fireworks watched from the hood of a broke down Chevy truck--The first time you hit the gas and went 90MPH--The moment you realized you were making love to the right one--Watching your newborn scream, through tears of happiness--Puppy kisses--Letting go-or-Holding on-or-just knowing when--Finally climbing that mountain--Running away with him--Coming back without him--Loving your beautiful smile--Smiling in beautiful love--

Tasting your first Cotton Candy Cloud

Whatever track you are on.....

...there will be "wooden roller coaster" shake your existence moments.....

But the wonderful "metal track" loop-de-loops and twisty twirls will always be awaiting you for the next ride......

Don't be afraid to buy the tickets and stand in line for the next surprising, wonderful, exhilarating, redeeming, freeing, chilling, miraculous and

ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS

Roller Coaster Ride Of Life

.....And please take me with you...I am a Roller Coaster Junkie!!

Please enjoy "Drops of Jupiter" by Train:

Perhaps you have some advice...

Oh parenting...the drama...the tears...the bodily fluid clean-up..

Does it ever get easier?

Seductressville is an interesting place to live.. It's where all the neighbors knit rainbow toe socks for Troll dolls and sweet little cozies for our 3lb green gummy bears (all the other colors are on their own),, and we lay on thermapudic Circus Peanut mattresses releasing the sweet smell of what dreams are made of whilst we tell tales of Unicorns delicately painting each individual rainbow and naming flowers and Ninja warriors after us.

Sadly, not even this perfect scenario will make their transition from childhood seamless.

These kids lighten my world but also cause an incalculable level of worry and distress, every day.

So, as I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and chanting about cookies and milk (by cookies I mean xanex and by milk, I mean Pink Cosmo's), I hope you understand.

Yet, through all the struggle, I know the days are quickly passing me by and it saddens me.

The freckles painted perfectly on little noses and cheeks are fading--Soon the days of stepping on defiant plastic Superheros with every shower will be gone--Or finding that my razor was used to sneak and shave the babyfine hair on little tanned legs by sweet tiny unprofessionally painted neon colored clad fingernailed hands--the days of candy wrappers hidden in drawers, gone-- Strangely-miniature but still over exaggerated brazierish undergarments won't hide in the back of my dryer--Yes, even the underwear will have a makeover, no more colrful days of the week or fruit, cup cakes and ice cream cones, or even Spongebob will be printed on them as bribery to remember to change them EVERY day--They will soon pretend they are too "mature" to want that free lollipop at the bank, but the fact that they are named "dum-dum pops" will still lead to an hour of hilarity--"Nonsters" won't hide under beds, allowing me to multi-task by spraying an unmarked bottle of Febreeze as "de-monster" protectant on the bed--Nobody's feet will dangle from a shopping cart awaiting a cookie from the bakery (sadly, people will ALWAYS look at me strangely as I dangle my feet from the cart while I savor Publix's sugar cookies). I'll miss popsicle smiles and pictures on the refrigerator of stick figures that still look surprisingly just like our family, even with the lack of fingers and joints.

We won't always be their hero. They probably won't even like me for a large periond of time coming up real soon. I won't be able to control the way other people see them or even more importantly, how they see themselves. I can only hope that they realize that only they can control their self worth. This is a hard lesson that I can not even attest to have learned 100%, few can. But it's one that is invaluable. I had a friend tell me that she is the most "her" that she has ever been before. That translates into happines however you slice it. What a revelation for us to teach to our children. How do you do this with your kids?

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Uh, does my T-shirt REALLY have "DORK" written on it???

-I have'nt been sleeping very well lately, things are swirling in my head like a rogue slushee machine. This causes brain freeze of a different calibur. Movies of your life play relentlessly without giving you popcorn confetti breaks or moments of Twizzler slappin' fun!

WHAT???

You have never experienced a Twizzler slapping fun time before? Well, well, well my innocent Twizzler slappin' virgin you- I am befuddled at your lack of candy abuse experience! I vow to take your Twizzler slapping virginity and leave you begging for 54 sour straw lashes in my wake...

*cough*

(Yes, I do realize I have issues, that is precisely why you like me!! Right?)

Any way I suppose I should get to the point of this post which is to expose myself to a little humiliation "Seductress style"

It was roughly 2:30 Am when my head finally concreted the fact that I was to be without slumber this night. I accepted my fate humbly and started to instantly crave sex and/or Jello through a straw. I obviously opted for Jello through a straw because the allure of that scandalous act makes me weak in the knees and trembling with passion. I then had the brilliant idea that the mail should be checked NOW!

This place, for some reason unbeknownst to me, has a gravel covering on the porch and sidewalk.

And even though I know that this gravel sidewalk acts like tiny razor blades impaling my super sweet and sexy feets, I still choose to traverse it, barefoot,,, because that's how I roll, yo.

The walk in that level of pain resembles slapstick comedy at it's best. My hobbling rush to get to the grassy patch in front of the gravel sidewalk that is infested with sticker bush weeds then ensues.

I realize that it might sound silly, trading one level of pain for another, but it still doesn't sound sillier that the fact that there are flip-flops right by the door and I am too lazy/stupid to take the time to don them and avoid this whole pain waltz in the first place.

I finally do get to the driveway and amble down torwards the mailbox, which along with mail, also happens to inhabit a larger than normal spidey and its, stickier than normal web. I have learned to reach in and ever so quickly and stealthily pull the mail out, avoiding both web and webmaker 96% of the time.

This would be the .04% that I dreaded.

As I did the OMG there is a @$%$##@! spider on my ^&%$#@ hand dance,,,,,,, police spotlights catch me in the act.

Oh,,,,, did I forget that they were patrolling more these days and "normal" people are not usually break dancing in front of their mailboxes at 2Am in the morning???

Yes, yes I did!

He edged forward.

I reach down to pull my t-shirt down a bit because I find that I am a little shy in police spotlights........*shrugs* Who knew??

The walk up the driveway and the accompanying dance of pain through the sticker weeds and "shards of glass" gravel sidewalk could only be more animated now that I added the pull the t-shirt down ritual.

His beams were getting closer.....

I too was getting closer to the safety of my door and my hopefully anonymous escape that it offered.

But then,,,,

,,,,,this wouldn't really be MY story if that happened now would it?????

.....to be painfully continued.....

There are absolutes in my life.

I always wear sparkles-I love green olives AND green jello-I am obsessed with Circus Peanuts and David Beckham's abs- I want to go into a little house and do very un-prairieish things to Charles Ingals whilst Mr. Edwards enthusiastically sings: "Old Man Tucker" and plays spoons on his knees right outside the window-If I am at someone's house or business and they have ambient light, I secretly blow out the candles to smell the phospherous wisp of air and then act aloof when someone notices all the candles have been estinguished-I will trip on air but never seem to fall like the dude in the warning signs always does- I believe the risk of salmonella poisioning is minimal compared to the joy of eating raw cookie dough-I still love Santa Claus, thumb war and Vodka, but not always in that order-