The year was 1902. It was the last time I would have sex with a mere mortal.

**Names, dates, positions, orgasms, color, smell, sounds, locations and fruit are all fictitious. Any resemblance to actual characters is purely coincidental and BTW, it probably was NOT you, no, no it COULD have been YOU there in the blue spandex, YES YOU, THAT'S A NICE POWER PACK!!! But it was certainly NOT YOU there wearing the khakis and sandals! **

I decided at that last mundane sexual rendezvous in 1902 to pursue a different type of man, a man with the strength of 100 steaming locomotives, a man that can leap over tall buildings with a single bound, or just buy me green olives and mascara.

I will, from this time on, ONLY date Superheroes!

And I would capture their superpowers for my own usage.

This journal outlines the pros and cons of dating men with super human powers versus the average Joe (excluding GI Joe of course). I donned my own superhero garb (sparkles and leather) and "The Invisible Seductress" is now a comic book world reality.

The first hero I pursued was:

THE TICK

Here is his BIO:

The Tick seems to have no memory of his life before being The Tick, and indeed not much memory of anything; possibly due to frequent head injuries. In the original comic series, The Tick is apparently legally insane, having escaped from a mental institution located not too far from The City. He is well-intentioned, friendly, good-natured, high-spirited, frequently obtuse, and prone to quipping odd, dim remarks and "inspirational" speeches filled with bizarre metaphors. The Tick is known for his nonsensical battle cry, "SPOOOOOOOON!" which he decided upon one day while eating breakfast (specifically, the cereal Drama Flakes).

The Tick's superpowers are nigh-invulnerability, which allows him to crash and bang about without injury (though not necessarily without pain), super strength, and something referred to as "Drama power," or basically a tendency for The Tick's powers to increase as the situation becomes more dramatic. One of his only weaknesses is that he cannot keep his balance if his antennae are removed.

On date night, we decided that we should meet in an alley because Tick felt I should see him in his "natural" surroundings, being a hero.

This is our first meeting:

IS: Well Tick it is defin....

Tick: SPOOOOOOOON!

IS: That was one of my favorite episodes, I love your battle cr.....

Tick: SPOOOOOOOOOON!

I flash the Tick to catch his attention, I have painted my boobs blue to attract him to me even further, part of my diabolical plan to capture his super powers, taking them for my own.

Tick: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!

IS: Yes, you like BOOOOOOOBS, don't you Tick? Will you be changing your battle cry now?

Tick: BOOOOOOOOBS on SPOOOOOOOONS!!!

The tick shakes his head an looks down at his suave blue uni-tard to a rising matter of importance.

Tick: Arthur really needs to see THEEEESE, you may just be holding the secret to my everlasting-strength, My suit feels tighter around you, {{{{{{{{ARTHUR}}}}}}}}} Please come and see the secret to wielding my power stick!

Arthur flies down and stops dead in his tracks staring directly at my blue heaving chest, no one should EVER stare directly at my blue heaving chest!

IS: Good evening Arthur, I know you are the brains behind this operation, I have been waiting to meet you. Perhaps we should talk under a BRIGHT light. I have something to offer you.

Arthur: Uh, Tick, did you check this girl out? I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable.

Tick: She was on the dating site I frequent: Single Women Pursuing World Domination. It said she was a Sag with vivacious plans to rein supreme over evil and idiotic men, she loves puppies and dancing in the rain and, and, and......She has a SPOOOOON collection Arthur!!!!

A whole COLLECTION!!!

IS: Arthur,,,, look at the lights....Looooooook!

I turn my nipple lights on to the brightest setting, reeling Arthur in, they flash in unison to the song "Hero" by Nickelback.

Arthur: Oh, I- I- I- like boooooobies, but,,, Not in the face!! Not in the Face!!!

The two are now under the trance of The Invisible Seductress, I toy with their antennae to further lure them to my lair.

After I have my way, I sprinkle them with the sparkles of contentment (which, by the way are aqua colored and just fabulous with dark blue eyeshadow!)

And then I send them out into the harsh night, none the wiser.

Now that I have captured the super powers of The Tick and Arthur, I do a quick check of my new strengths and deduce that next time, if I want to rule the world, I shall have to commandeer the superpowers of greater "heroes".

I start my research and stake-out watching a hero no doubt worthy of my attention:

Mister Fantastic!!

Please enjoy this bonus video from The Tick:



I HOPE NOT!!! THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF!!!!!! (best line ever!)

May I spoon some applesauce off your wife's orthopedic walking shoe?

Yes, that is ACTUALLY the title of today's post!!

I have noticed something lately. I have not been clumsy in the last few months! This is a real breakthrough as usually I am walking into walls and using large glass jars filled with miscellaneous items as offerings to the cold W-mart concrete floor. I'm the girl that drops something and then as I try to pick it up, I kick it 3 feet ahead of me. Usually there are an average of three kicks and much spawn laughter until I sigh and say "Just get it, OK?!! Unless you would enjoy an extremely long stroll home, Mrs. Makesfunofmom!! (this is her Indian name)!!"

Well to me, going to the store at Christmas time is torture. Once I am in their however, I tend to roam aimlessly and scream "Oooooh,, shiny thing!!" because I was a crow in my former life. Being poor exasperates this as I know: I can haz no shiny things... (this is where you and I pout together and then you throw me a green olive from a few feet away and we celebrate that I caught it in my mouth as I did a triple back flip and an arabesque because, lucky for you, I wore my bedazzled Tu-Tu today!)

The girls want to buy things for their friends for Christmas, which I understand, but having no funds to back this up I have to get creative with my thinking and rope them into lesser items.

"So, how many friends are we talking about, DramaGirl?"

"Let me count" (insert Jeopardy theme)

Her eyes glaze over as her head tilts back and she goes into a trance where only her fingers and lips are moving. I stare at her feeling defeated every time a finger gets pointed and quickly calculated into the figure.

"17, and,,,,, maybe a FEW boys."

"There will be NO BOY GIFTING,,,UNLESS he is offering me cattle for your hand in marriage!"

(you see, I have figured out that my humor DOES have an audience, but it is normally NOT my children, yet still I expose them to it, because they are my only captive audience..)

"Huh? Cattle? What's wrong with you, mom?"

(these are the after-effects of "unqualified captive audience" humor, as you can see it's not very gratifying for me.)

"Never mind!"

(I now do the ceremonial plane trip with fingers over her head)

"How about you MsDebate?"

"17"

"Really? How did it just so happen that you have the SAME amount of close friends? Will I be getting any cattle with THIS transaction?"

(awkward silence as I hope the eldest would pick up on my humor attempt)

"I don't even know what you are talking about right now mom,,, seriously?!?!"

"Can we make them something?" I say in an attempt at being frugal.

(The following statement was said with heaping amount of disdain)

"Like a CRAFT????"

( I was not aware that this option had been officially rated "L" for --L-A-M-E--- by the pre-teen association of America, but it is! You may want to notate this if you have pre-teens!)

I smile, and once again insert undetected humor with a large amount of fake enthusiasm.

"YES, toilet paper cozies with pink yarn pom-pom's!!!!!!!"

"AGAIN, I don't even know what you are talking about, mom".

"Maybe food???"

MsDebate looks at me sweetly, as she touches my arm in a condescending way and says:

"If it will be burned, like normal, then NO...."

"NO mom!!!!" Squeals DramaGirl, in her typical over reactive manner.

"I won't burn it..." I say defeated as I stand wishing I would have eaten my young at birth.

Both children perk up to the thought of making food and eating the damaged food specimens. I perk up to eating copious amounts of raw cookie dough with no regard to my safety, thinking salmonella is also a fun word to say!

Food is always good, have you ever had anyone turn down a plate of cookies? I mean Fruitcake maybe, but not cookies or candies..

So the plan is set into motion.

"But Seductress", you ask while caressing my blog page: "I thought this post was about being clumsy" you say, curious of my lack of post continuity, and as you continue,,, YOU MOCK ME BY SAYING:

"I don't even know what you are talking about right now, Seductress!"

*sigh*

Here ya go....

Before I leave the store, I drop a jumbo sized jar of applesauce. It falls directly on its bottom, spewing forth a 360 degree volcano strength eruption. The 150 snowbirds in the aisle buying dried prunes and sugared dates have now been christened with applesauce from their shins downward. Here is a basic chart of their unhappiness, cleverly drawn in the form of an apple:

My children quickly walk away from me, the pool of sacrificial applesauce and the jaded Snowbirds. I smile and do that cute little "sorry" finger wave as "CLEAN UP AISLE 12" blares over the sound system, interrupting the jovial Christmas tunes.

Now....Off to buy supplies to make you Toilet Paper cozies with pink yarn pom-pom's!!!

Some people get (ahem) frisky on chilly winter days!! (Warning: GRAPHIC IMAGERY included)

So I turned on my TV and we were having a severe weather warning. Apparently here in Florida this is a major deal. I hope nobody panics and gets the chains out for their tires or even worse this starts a Snuggie invasion (although I do hear there are some new fashionable designs!)!!

BUT

Because I heart my men followers
I need to issue a warning them and all who love them!!

It seems that there are other more serious issues we need to focus on this winter. I had never known that one of the scary side-effects of cold weather for men is a grand case of blue chilly balls!! I want to thank my local news station for making me aware of this.

Please be empathetic to the men in your life through these freezy winter days!

(not actual size)

I really hope it's not just me who sees the BIG picture here? Because THAT would be embarrassing!!! Now, I must go giggle like a teenage girl because this has been on my TV for hours and it is still making me laugh. It's gonna be a long day!!!!!

Friends don't let friends be depressed...

Let me be the designated depressed friend.



This is Gooble



And Gooble ALWAYS looks like this.

He is a character from Yo Gabba, Gabba and every time he comes on the show DJ Lance who looks like this:

..... has to explain to the other characters, who look like this:

..... why he is ALWAYS sad and no fun to be around. He goes on to explain that we need to accept our friends for what they are and still love them. The only other one who ever gets sad and fittish on a regular basis is Brobee:

I understand why Brobee is sad, the opening theme song says nice things about each character UNTIL it gets to Brobee. And it introduces Brobee in a whiny tone as: "The little green one". That's not much of an identity to feverishly cling onto. But still he trollops along and almost never bites or hits like a good role model.

I have friends that are down, I know the world seems dim to a lot of people (especially during the holidays) and I hate to see that. And look around and pay attention, it's easy to spot. I try to lift everyone around me up because for some strange reason even though I am petrified of my future, I feel useless if I am not positive. So I am a listener an empathetic non-judgmental ear for any who needs it. I don't share my reality with people like I do here. Possibly because I don't like seeing people's eyes shift into sad and worrisome. I will keep my mouth shut and just deal with each blow as it comes. Some how I am still standing, at night I collapse into tears and re-energize for the next day full of hope.

I would much rather you lust over me and my sparkles and perfectly applied mascara or have milk coming out of your nose because I am so danged funny (I am, what???? I don't remember ASKING you if you thought I was funny, I am stating facts and you are being hurtful....Timeout...1 minute for every year of your age! Hmmpf---but then come back and read the rest).

So now I am asking you to let me be your designated depressed friend. E-mail me if you need to talk, anonymously, or otherwise. If you feel alone. If the night stays dark too long. If it seems no one is REALLY listening, I will. I may not have solution. I can't financially bolster anyone. And it's not a physical hug that I can offer (sadly). But I can support you and tell you bad jokes. It may be all I have to offer but believe me, if you don't have that, you will be surprised at how much better it feels just talking about things with someone who cares.

A few months ago I started another blog: Here

The theory behind it was for people to have an outlet for unbiased opinion of their situations. They could email me anonymously and I would re-create their problem/question in the form of a short story and open the comments to respectful advice and support NOT BASHING (I would moderate). I am hoping to have some followers there so that I can selfishly feel like I am doing SOMETHING to help people and not feel like a slub. So yes, selfishly I need help too. Not being able to outreach and help others like I want is one of the hardest things for me.

I don't know where I will be in a few weeks, a lot has to change, but I will always take what my followers/friends have given freely to me here in blogland and be better because of it.

And for that, I thank you!

And now for a word from our sponsor:



Finally the carrots get tummy love!!! So yummy, so yummy!!

They show this clip to the patients of Celebrity Rehab to shock them into understanding food is NOT supposed to sing with you. So far it has not been successful as the patients realized hallucinations are freaking fun!! I'm having one now about a fresh green olive... Oh you Sexy alcoholic fruit beast you!! grrrrrrrrrrr

Well Shave me and slap a MUPPET! (sexy repost I took down because I thought it was too sexy once, but now I'm a skank, sooo)

I got the newest edition of Cosmopolitan. Now I know that I am not the demographic they are reaching out for (example demographic provided below):

Polly Poodle -Law Student-26-from Chicago

So me tearing the mag apart really is not gonna hurt anybodies feelings.

I usually buy the read for the make-up tips and such and not so much because of the:

101 SEX TRICKS YOU MUST KNOW!!!!

But whatever
...(whispers I know 102!)

This particular issue was "The SEXY Issue" and I knew I would be inside, so purchasing it was a no brainer. But ALAS ,,,, they failed to include me,,,, this oversight shocked me,,,, their sales would have skyrocketed,,,, but then I figured it out,,,, they are going for the understated beauty,,,, I would have been too obvious a choice,,,, I have forgiven them,,,, you should too.

Things you have to look forward to in this issue:

**The 7 BEST orgasm tricks!!!**

Which includes valuable information such as:

Chant a phrase during....... because it helps you mentally focus...

I prefer "ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-OOOOH-ME!!!!" because I am the only one there.

(quick fact-70% of men believe their woman never fake---51% do FAKE....hmmmmm)

**100 LOVE QUESTIONS....answered in 20-words or less....
Because no problem could ever be more than a two liner convo....duh...

(quick fact- One third of 20-26 year old men have sent x-rated photos
of them self via cell- Ok.....geesh..the pipe pics I got were all from men well over that age--this may be a problem guys.... it's not you.. it's me????... hmmmm)

**When you have a SEX GLITCH ......... (how to)....fix it fast....

Which includes such beauties as:

If your vibrator is out of batteries---use the base of your electric toothbrush!!

I can't even tell you what went through my head here..

......Are you KIDDING me??? Minty freshness is a perk though!!!

(quick fact- Apparently there IS an APP FOR THAT!!!....... MyVibe app on iphone...WTF???? Who Knew you could have sex with your cell phone!! ? Mine just receives pipe pics)

But something caught my eye...

It really does not take much to catch my eye,, I am like a crow... Ooooooh shiny...
.................I like SHINY THINGS!!!

It read:

GIVE YOURSELF A BRAZILIAN
(without bursting into tears)

And if you look through the mag they have even generously included this:

Artist's depiction

BIKINI LINE STENCILS!!!!!!
(FACEPALM)

Here are the instructions:

Punch out the shape you desire......
( I punched out "heart" for instructional and demonstration purposes and because I heart you!!)

Place it on your nethers,,, trace it with eyeliner,,, pull skin taut,,, and groom......

!!!!!!! G E N I U S !!!!!!!

I can not imagine anyone opening this magazine and being stoked to find stencils to aid in their netherland grooming needs. How would that go down?

flip,, flip,, flip,,,,,,,,,,,,,, gasp,,, looks around:

OMG!!!

I can TOTALLY rock a heart nether patch now!!! I have NEVER been able to draw a HEART on my own!!!!!"

"THANK YOU COSMO!!!"

Seriously,, if you having trouble with BASIC shape recognition and your artistic boundaries are being crossed while grooming,,, perhaps you should get one of these:

And do not hold razors.........

But the Coz's descriptions of each bikini line shape REALLY made me laugh!!!

Triangle- The ANYTIME classic----perfect beginner pattern for waxing virgins..

Thank God...Because the waxing virgins of the world all failed Kindergarten and were suffering with inferior shaped....uh....er.......ya knows

Sweetheart- Say I LOVE YOU "COSMO" style

Awwwwww......I heart heart shaped Nethers!!

Landing Strip- (And sadly, I quote) "It is a change your sex life kind of look.. He will play pilot all night!!"

Does this explanation ONLY creep ME out... Here comes the plane....

fbbbbffftt (spit engine noises)........ here comes the plane.....

...Open up!!!!!

..But
my all time

personal flavorite

COSMO BIKINI STENCIL SHAPE EXPLANATION

IS:

This Way for fun- (an arrow).... To start a game of naughty GPS..

DESTINATION DOWNTOWN!!!!

(insert B rated porn flick music here)

If you need an arrow,,, I have nothing to say to you that you will comprehend.

If you want it to look like you have "Ang's" head from Avatar between your legs...

This WOULD be the shape for you!!!

Ang you go and have a good time!!!

(Get it??? I said Ang instead of AND...I slay me....no really....it sounded funny the first time, now you're just being cruel,, stop it,, I have feelings too!!)

Blog Students

.....Go get your COSMO ***THE SEXY ISSUE** and turn to page 152....

We are going to address some of the 100 LOVE QUESTIONS---

Slammin' Seductress Style!!!

Ready?????

#21. I always check my husbands Facebook profile,,, weird?

Cosmo- No

IS Answer-No-BUT If his updated status reads "Recently Widowed"........Use caution.......


#68. How do I up my chances of a second date.

Cosmo-Forget there might be one..........(brilliant)

IS Answer- Walk out- wait an hour- come back--if he is still waiting...bip-bang----you are on your second date!! NO FAIL!


#38. We've been dating for quite a while but I still have not met his friends. Why not?

Cosmo - He's not thinking long term

(good answer,,, but let's be honest and blunt here)

IS Answer - He thinks you are a MOPED---his friends all have MOTORCYCLES---mopeds are fun to ride---no one wants their friends to see them on a moped---Move on..... (I should be ashamed)

#76. How do I get him to help out more?

Cosmo- Flattery. Tell him " You are SOOOOOO good at...."
*Hint-This works with Toddlers and puppies too!!!

IS Answer- Uh.... ask nicely stupid,, and do housework nakey style!

#87. I am in my 30s and single, Is it likely I will never marry?

Cosmo- Most people marry

IS Answer- MOST PEOPLE...MOST??? sniffle -- sob--- Why are you so mean to meeeeee....... snort..... sniffle..... cry.....

I gotta go..... sniffle... I hope you are happy now COSMO!!!!!!

To everyone I know that is hurting and scared.

Look up to the sun and notice that it hasn't stopped shining on you. The shadows will pass you by. The warmth on your nose and shoulders is there to make you remember that you are alive. If there were no shadows, you would never notice the soft touch of each sunbeam, formed just for you.

If the stars seem hidden tonight, they are only recharging for the next battle you have to fight. They will come out shining brighter than you have ever seen, shooting through the darkness, following each whispered dream, sparkling and waving to you. Let them speak, count each one from time to time with a thankful heart. Whisper dreams to them, they will listen.

White is falling now, it seems so beautiful at first, until it doesn't stop, burying your hopes for warmth. Notice that lone sparrow, digging through the glistening mounds, he finds a seed and waddles away to enjoy it. He sings in the brutal cold, sharing a sweet celebration for that one small offering. How much stronger should your songs be, with all you have been given? Throw seeds in the snow for all that you have, hear the true songs of happiness again.

The howling winds you notice picking up in your world, came to take away the pain you feel. Hold your hands up and twirl in it like a child. Let go. Hurt, like the burnt amber leaves of fall, will float away in time. New joy will eventually bloom and fill your heart once more.

Waves crashing on the beach seem detrimental to you now. White capped and angry, welling up and crashing when you crave stillness. But always walk patiently on the shore, picking up the jewels life has left. Perfectly painted treasure box shells with the secrets of the sea hidden inside them await to capture your fascination. Rejoice for each pearl of wisdom and acceptance, created just for you to cherish. Don't step over them in hurry.

The volcano erupts in a fiery rage, a temper tantrum staged when the elements are not lined up exactly as planned. Spewing the lava that will forever change the landscape as it escapes and cools. When it finally rests, its beauty is evident and marveled over. Without the fight, it would have died out and lost its passion. The battle awakens and celebrates life.

All about hallucinations/ EAT ME!

I never was one who took drugs. Especially ones containing hallucinogens. The only drug I almost overdosed on was love. That drug IS a strong hallucinate as it causes you to see a Prince when the guy is clearly frog pee.... (see what I did there? He wasn't even good enough to BE the frog!! I slay me!! I'm here all week, try the veal!!)

But, where was I going with this you ask,
while shaking your head at my less than normal antics.

Well, I was thinking that addicts taking drugs known for causing hallucinations have issues to deal with that those of us that don't would never imagine, until now, because I am going to make you aware of one of them, because I love you, and right now, because I overdosed on rancid spiked egg-nog, I am hallucinating that I see you in your skivvy's feeding Donald Duck chocolate covered strawberries while he swims circles in my gold leafed toilet.

No really, there ya are in crotch bejeweled BVD's, or did you think the duck part was weirder? I am still not sure why Hello Kitty is humping your leg

*shrugs*

...but you are clearly enjoying it..

....soooo anywhoo....

If you think about advertising campaigns these days, every product has been made anthropomorphic...

Join me in welcoming the official professor for The Invisible Seductress.

Professor of oddities and bad smelling pits, explain to my readers what Anthropomorphic means.

Wait, you're a calculator!
Can I get a REAL Professor up in this blogizzy?

Thank You!
Professor, the floor is yours!

Anthropomorphism is a term coined in the mid 1700s to refer to any attribution of human characteristics (or characteristics assumed or believed by some to belong only to humans) to animals or non-living things, phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts.

Wonderful! I think advertising for many food products have turned up anthropomorphous to appeal to children and small lap dogs.

BUT

In a hallucinating drugged state, you decide you are hungry, can you imagine the horror when these guys show up?

They start flashing you their 8 layers and your moral dilemma starts. I mean come on, you are already a drug addict and probably stole your momma's debit card to buy the cereal, but does that mean you should snuff the life out of these characters who are clearly only trying to prepare you for a vigorous day of twitching on the couch and watching Springer?

Ok

Wow, that was weird!!!

Man, now,, you are freakin' PARCHED!

Perhaps a fruity beverage?

You skip this guy because he is frighteningly sexy to you right now...

(Dude, seriously, you're Kool-aid man and your cup is empty? NOT COOL!)

So,
Instead, you opt for something a little calmer.

Maybe a tropical Hawaiian beverage would be nice.

Great idea until...

Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch mascot,

struts in and beats the living daylights out of you!!

And then.... You start to feel woozy and a bit congested, perhaps more drugs would help, legal ones this time though, maybe you decided to change your ways after crapping pissed off pastel frosted mini-wheat characters.

This guy walks in
and
hands you a bottle of cough sizzurp...

WTF!!!???

Crap, Crap, Crappity, Crap!!
(not your actual words)

DUDE!!!

Maybe you should just go to bed!!

See

Dr. Drew doesn't seem so
anal retentive and crotchety NOW,,

DOES HE??

Sooooo

Whatdoya say???

See ya next season on the VH1 spin-off :

(Not so Celebrity) Celebrity Rehab!!