Friday, July 29, 2011

Just another day in the life.....

baby giraffe & momma Pictures, Images and Photos

My brain is tapped out for comedy or even a smidgen of intellectual banter of the written persuasion.

This is an example of what my mornings look like:

Middle kid has been sick all night,, middle kid is the Drama Queen of the universe,, Mom wishes ANYONE else but the Drama Queen of the universe would be sick,, ANYONE!!!! (I say again for dramatic purposes) Mom gets no sleep,, oldest spawn gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn is mean when she gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn screams and refuses to wake up,, youngest child awakens and acts like a happy Disney character,, happy Disney characters are very freaking irritating early in the morning,, Mom feels like a Disney villain ,, there is much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms from middle child,, Mom is trying very hard to be sympathetic and engaging while much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms ensues from middle child,, Mom goes on an imaginary strike,, imaginary strike does not last long,, the children want,, what do they want??

What could they POSSIBLY want, you ask sweetly:


Mom has nothing to give but love,, they want more than love,, Mom deduces children must have completed advanced underground training courses in aggravation,, Mom concludes children received A+'s in the advanced underground training courses in aggravation and are now just showing off their skills,, main toilet overflows BEFORE 6AM,, Mom does not feel pretty when toilets overflow,, it makes her sparkles dull,, Mom cleans over-flowed toilet bathroom while cursing under her breath and NOT feeling pretty,, there is still much middle child gakking,, there is much ado about said middle child gakking,, middle child's symptoms advance quickly,, middle child starts getting sick from both ends now,, Mom discovers middle child getting sick from both ends moments too late,, Mom cleans up mess from middle child getting sick from both ends which she discovered moments too late and again does not feel pretty,, Mom tries hard to feel pretty,, she fains a smile,, Mom still does not feel pretty,, did mom EVEN put on sparkles today??? Mom determines that it really is too early to go back to bed and thinks about resorting to copious amounts of alcohol and wishing Xanex grew on the tree in the front yard so she could partake in it heavily..

Mom determines it is too early for Xanex and copious amounts of alcohol,, but realizes that had it been 15 minutes later,, this may have been acceptable behavior to everyone EXCEPT Dr. Phil,, Mom realizes that even Dr. Drew would have partaken in this blatant attempt to cope.. He would suggest rehab start tomorrow and offer me a hit on the downlow.. I love chocolate so I would accept..

*The following is an Invisible Seductress PSA*

Just say "NO" to drugs.... But "HELL'S YES" to chocolate!!

Mom would leave town,, but deduces that the children know her name and would inevitably follow her screaming it,, making the scene look somewhat sketchy,, Mom makes plans to change her name and NOT let her children know what her new name is..

Mom realizes the only way out of this bad day that has just started is to face it head on with humor,, Mom starts telling bad jokes and feels a little bit better,, youngest child drops too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug,, Mom cries a little and looks to the sky and screams:

"REALLY ???"

Mom glances at her children,, one is crying because he dropped his too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug even though he will eat breakfast at the sitters and this was sort of a "snack" anyway,, son STILL doesn't understand mom's "snack" philosophy.. One girl is crying because she is sick from both ends even though she is not cleaning it up and has a cool cloth on her head and a sweet mommy rubbing her back,, one kid is cross armed and all attitude because her little sister kept her up all night,, Mom sucks it up and apologizes for the bad morning,, Mom proclaims her love for children, promises that the day will get better and hugs each child individually (although sick middle child gets a half hug pat thingy because she still looks green)..

Kids say:

"I love you Mom!"

This is said almost in perfect unison,, Mom now feels BEAUTIFUL!!!

Her sparkles begin to shine once more,,

...until the car stalls repeatedly before even leaving the neighborhood and youngest child,, who sits in back of mom powerpukes and mom swears the puke was perfectly aimed to fly into the square hole in the back of her head rest.....


And then he starts to sing because now he feels better,, guess what is more annoying than a happy Disney character first thing in the morning?? A happy Disney character IMMEDIATELY after powerpuking through the square hole in the back of your mother's head rest...

The End.

Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy:

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Snuggledog's story: Pee'd on and Tee'd off!

Snuggledog lives a charmed life. In the arms of his boy, he is
warm, safe and always in the lap of luxury. At night, he has a pillow and his own special spot tucked in bed, under the blanket, cradled in Traxx's arms.

He is the head of the stuffed animal mafia and calls all the shots in the toy box. He has watched Toy Stories 1,2 AND 3 and is very aware of the importance of his position in a childs life.

A restful nights sleep depends on him. The other "lesser" stuffed animals need him to delagate out time away from the toy box to be engaged in play with Traxx. He has made sacrifices to gain the position of "top dog" in my son's life.

This is just one such story of Snuggledog's sacrifice and the power and magic of a boy's love.

The following story is written by Snuggledog as translated by me. Apparently Snuggledog has a southern girl's accent, not sure why and it is a bit disturbing but you should read the story in that way to best enjoy it.

It was a hot summer evening in the heart of the south, cicada bugs sit screaming on prickly branches as the sun sings it's swan song. Mamma had worked all day in the fields courting gentlemen with her curtsy and bows, whilst my boy had labored tirelessly at being a Stealth Bomber of energy and light. Oh, he is a sight to behold, I declare, a cold glass of lemon infused sweet tea if I might say! (see, weirdly southern right?)

My boy had drifted off to sleep on the long car ride home as I whispered of snails and puppy dog tails in his ear. Mamma lifted him out of his carseat and pointed us in the direction of the door, lovingly reminding him to use the restroom before laying down for the night.

He took me; Snuggledog, his faithful friend, into the loo room.

Still groggy from all of the day's tasks, he began to relieve himself with spotty aim in the porcelin pot.

Mamma asked him to mind this infraction. Her normally soothing and sultry voice must have startled the child as he lost his hold upon me and I fell into the toilet bowl to be pee'd upon.

My boy couldn't help it, he had tried to stop, but he could'nt stop the flow of urine from molesting me.

I declare, I swallowed all the fresh air I could whilst doggie paddling for my furry life as my boy screamed at the horrific discovery.

Mamma assured him I would be fine and went to get a bag to aid in my travel to the washing machine so I wouldn't drip the toilets toxic water on her sparkling floor.

Oh how my boy screamed for my safety as Mamma put me in that plastic grocery bag:

"He will cufficate in that bag mom!! He'll cufficate!!"

Mamma gently pulled my head out so I could breathe and as I took those deep breaths, Mamma allowed Traxx to kiss the tip of my right ear (as it was the only untarnished patch of fur), before she was brought to the task of depositing my newly soiled body into the darkness of the washing machine.

The boy realized that he was to be facing the night without my charms and again voiceforously presented his saddness to Mamma:

"Snuggledog is the ONLY friend I sleep with!! He is my favoriteist aminal!! I CAN'T sleep without Snuggledog!!"

His tears flowed freely as I began to gargle loudly in the soapy water, thus signalling for Mamma to lift the lid to the washer and heed my sweet voice.

"Let the boy sleep with Grandpa Bear tonight" I told her.

"Grandpa Bear will protect and keep him warm!" I continued, in my quest to comfort him.

Mamma told the boy of my valiant biddings.

The boy shrugged off the idea of Grandpa Bear's love at first out of his devotion for me, but Mamma wisely spoke to him once again:

"It's the way Snuggledog wants it, we have to be strong FOR HIM!!"

Mamma is so brave and astute! She is also a fine and wonderful virtuoso translator of stuffed animal linguistical matters.

Yes, I suffered a little collateral damage in the washer and squealed in the dryer at the abuse, and I still do have signs of the torture around my right eye, but the lesson of love is a battle of a sparkling heart and mine shined that day!

When I was reunited with my boy, he asked Mamma if she would have had to throw me away if there had been poop in the loo and I got it on me.

Mamma jokingly, but also a tad cold heartedly replied:

"Yes" upsetting my boy.

He questioned her answer once again:

"If I got poop on ME, would you throw ME away??"

"Yes" Mamma joked once more.

"But I'm YOUR KID!!" he stated strongly.

"Yes, and I will ALWAYS love you.....AND Snuggledog!!!"

And we all laughed and laughed.