You are my spirit animals

What's with all the nekked people on my sidebar? Don't get me wrong, you are all very attractive people,,, from what I can see,,, and if I had your sexy sweaty and beautifully shaped and sizeably wondrous attributes,,, I would post them as well,,, but I wonder:

Why has this blog has attracted you?

I tell alot of fart jokes here and have even detailed a certain situation when my poo came out looking like a manatee (not my finest post by a longshot, I admit but I was on the Atkins diet and that DOES totally explain this weird poo instance..)

And yes,,, I have told a story or two about my failed dates with guys that talk about their pet birds or rock back and forth endlessly instead of actually conversating with me... Or the one who looked like a Muppet...

....and of course there are plenty of stories about my lack of sex *sigh* (sadly this still toils on) !

But I blame myself because I have been afraid of the pipe monsters in this town for a while now... *shiver* and I am not very sexually appealing here, me thinks...urrrrrp....

Mostly,,, I tell stupid stories about me falling or making a complete fool of myself in front of small audiences of onlookers who have no idea how really fabulous I long to be... or that my underwear totally matches my toenail colour de jour and my perfume compliments the style of clothing I am wearing that day...

My sparkles have not deterred people from laughing out loud at me as I tumble down staircases or walk into the side mirrors of trucks which are (to be clear and a little openly bitter) the EXACT height of the middle of my forehead... Nope...

No one cares that I am meant to be admired and longed for by the likes of royalty and very influential sexual beings....

Oh David, do stop by more often!!!

(Or maybe if I could just be respected by that fast food drive thru guy who dumps my fries into the bag EVERY damn time instead of setting the fry container in the bag erectly as he was trained in Mc School to do...)

No one acknowledges that someday.... I will win some sort of fancy smancy award for being a good girl all these years and for my tireless support of the Circus Peanut farmers of America.

YUM!

But you are still here and I love that!!!!!

I have not been able to blog recently due to lack of a life and even the slightest resresemblance  to  normalcy.......So I humbly sit here today typing away to renew my relationship with all of you beautiful people and to thank you for stopping by!

Clothes are optional here of course.

I am not wearing any right now and no one has said a dang thing to me yet.... Oh yes, they do stare (obviously noticing the fact that my bra and panty match my toenail color... (obviously) and that I have scars from major surgery that seem to be forming a Kanji symbols on my stomach .......and that is just totally rad right??...... (EXCEPT for the fact that when I looked up the Kanji strokes... it was the word "Ignorant"... No,,, I am not making this up,,, this is my life... *sigh*)

Stay tuned right here and I hope to come back and enlighten you on things such as (but not limited to) how to drop glass objects with style and flair... or... why sparkles saved the world from turning into a Tron game... or my favorite... Why Spam should be your favorite gelatinous smothered treat!!

Until then... I will offer you this random picture of a very sad muffin..

Yes, all of my posts are full of random frivolity and a lack of proper adulting skills ,,,,,, maybe that is why you are here.... I think I get it now!!! :)