Saturday, July 6, 2013

I have a disease.

This is a post about a trip I took a few years back. I drove to Savannah. For someone that has really never driven long distances too often this was a doozy. It was only about 5 hours- cake to the normal person- but- I am not normal (you knew that already, right?). I planned the journey. Map-quested the location and painstakingly wrote down every detail about the journey that I could. I made the kids clean the car because it looked like Geoffrey the over excitable Toys-R-Us giraffe threw up on the floor boards,,,, and then we were off. Things went pretty smooth and I was impressed with myself. My lifelong mental disability of being severely directionally impaired only showed its evil head a few times. But I have Mazeophobia. And I have Mazeophobia-BAD!!

This is not just a cool word I made up because I want you to be impressed with my verbal prowess (and yet you STILL are, right?), this is a real phobia, and I are it. Mazeophobia is the fear of getting lost while driving. Basically what happens when I get even the slightest tinge of "lost" I start rapid breathing, then, I do the opposite of normal, (which would be to slow down) I speed up---- because I want to become "found" FASTER!! Uh-huh-makes sense now doesn't it? I become that little girl who got lost in Walmart and is standing at a register crying (the one that gets hugged in the store-then beat in the parking lot). I make sobbing snot-bubbles with sparkle accents look hella sexy. In the song Amazing Grace when "they once were lost and now they are found" --- BEAUTIFUL!!! I'm all teary now!!

But there were only a few times that this happened.

I also cry when I see dead animals on the road. Because it is sad. We saw a dead whitetail deer and my daughter wanted me to turn around on the interstate to drag it to the wooded area and bury it. She did not care that it was HA-uge or that we did not have a shovel-it was the principle of the matter and the deer deserved to be buried. I did agree but still, a 4'11" woman dragging a 5" dear off a four lane highway seemed impossible.

But she said:

"What happened to you?" (in a disgusted judgy way)

"You used to save every animal, and now,, you just ignore it like everybody else!"

"Well, DramaGirl" (lest we NOT forget where she got her nickname from) "I can't really save an animal that is already gone."

Tears flowed...Then we said a prayer for the deer instead of wrangling it.

And then we saw a dairy queen sign and I sold my soul for a dilly bar!

  I went to Tampa recently to take the kids to the Mosi science museum. I was reminded of the severe Mazeophobia I suffer with once again. I'll have to tell you that story another time. It ended with a 6ft  MOSI souvenier pixie stick or "kiddie crack" as I like to call it. Not my best parenting decision but I blame the Mazeophobia and the "off-brand" Spam poisoning. *shivvers*


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