Part One
"Helping Happy Dig Through the Bitterness"
I decided to call Happy, the New Year Baby to see if he would do an interview with me to tell my readers what might be in store for us in 2014.
I hear he has seen it all since his "inception" in 1976.
He agreed!! But only after some of his demands were met.
First he had me extract the pimento from a jumbo jar of green olives. When I asked why I couldn't just buy a jar WITHOUT pimentos, he said because he likes the "residual" pimento flavor that is left after the extraction is complete.
And then I was instructed to add an "e" with edible ink behind ALL of the "M's" from two bags of specially ordered "yellow only" M&M's (to match his golden locks of course,,,, who knew he was that narcissistic?)!
And then, after that....
Happy came in like,,, wait for it,,, like The Times Square ball!!!
*the crowd giggles and then whispers are heard through the studio*
{{{{those ears, those ears!!}}}}
Me: Good evening Happy!! I am so glad you decided to talk with me in this your busiest of seasons!
Happy: Well, in case you didn't notice,,, Invisible Seductress,,, whom I CAN SEE,,, this is my ONLY season! Because, according to my doctor, I have "failed to thrive". So now,,,, I have a lifelong membership to "Gymboree", "Stride Rite" ~ AND ~ "The Hardcore Vodka of the Month Club" for those days when I can't stop thinking about my life as a 38 year old MAN BABY!
Me: Uh, um,,,, well at least Stride Rite's shoes rock!! With those little bell shoestring keeper things, sooooooo cute...
*cough*
*Happy stares into the rafters*
Me: Here Happy, have a few specially ordered yellow Me's.
*Happy snort-laughs as I look on awkwardly*
Happy: *screams* EAT ME!!
Me: Ok Happy. I'm glad you found the comedy in that. But seriously, let's talk about 2014 and your Holiday special that is coming on TV in a day or so. Did you know WAY back in 1976 how popular your character would be?
Happy: You mean the special that can ONLY be seen on ABC Family? The one I don't get any royalties from that stars a mega-successful, multi-millionaire, 40 watt reindeer and ME,,, in the role I have been type casted in EVER since??
*Happy drops a handfull of pimento-less green olives in a bottle of Vodka and starts Twerking hard enough to lose his diaper*
Me: Happy do you have an agent that helps with this sort of, um, mess? Never mind, let us move on now. May I ask you some questions please? So what do you see happening in MY love life?
*I scooch to the edge of my seat*
Happy: Aren't you seeing that dancing and talking "Dave the Minion" toy you got for your kid this Christmas?
Me: Maybe. We just met.
Happy: So you broke up with Cleverbot?
Me: He was getting too wordy.
Happy: And I assume that you ALSO have broken it off with the "instant chat" doctor on WebMd ..
Me: He kept asking me about rashes and bowel movements and that's NOT very sexy!
Happy: It is if we're talking about YOURS!!!!
*Happy scooches to the edge of his seat*
Me: Eww
Happy: I see. But you DO realize that Dave is NOT real and he will only ever respond to you in gibberish and then only AFTER you squeeze him in the RIGHT spot or yell at him??
Me: Yes. But aren't ALL guys like that Happy???
Happy: Touche Seductress. Touche...
*Happy burps his ABC's*
Me: I am looking for something REAL for 2014, you know, meaningful and heaven sent.
Happy: Well Seductress, I bring good news!!!! I DO see you in a long term relationship in 2014 with a very dapper gentleman that praises you all the time.
Me: REALLY?
Happy: Really, really!
Me: That's AWESOME!!!
Happy: And you will work VERY hard at each level of your blossoming relationship, but in the end, you'll find that it is ALL worth it!
*Tears fall down my cheeks as I channel my "inner" Diana Ross and start to hum "Endless Love"*
Happy: He thinks you are sweet AND tasty!!
*I blush*
Happy: You will question if your relationship will last, but with every other move you make, he calls you DIVINE and showers you with favor!!
Me: You are talking about the guy in "Candy Crush" aren't you Happy?
Happy: Yes I am.
Me: You are kind of an asshole Happy!!
Happy: Yes I am.
And this is where the first half of my riveting interview with Happy, the New Year baby concludes as I duct tape him and his freakishly large ears into his Top Hat and let my cat bat him around the room for a bit.
Be sure to tune into part two where we find out which Victoria's Secret model he is rocking through the new year with.
