"THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS"

My birthday is coming up in the next few weeks. I am VERY excited.

Not that I should be tho...

 Financially I am in shambles, I have no beau (Sadly,you can tell how old/lame I am because I just said "Beau". No "cool" person refers to a man as her "Beau"...)!!

 And also..

I already have the kittens for my "crazy cat lady" persona, so I have nothing more to look forward to!

I have also found I have the sudden urge to crochet. This urge is intensified by the belief that every toilet paper roll that is not already on a toilet paper dispensing system needs to be immediately covered/protected by the elements with the grand crochet gown of a generic Barbie wannabe doll!!

FYI,,, toilet paper cozies are a respectable number "2" on my expansive list I call:

"MY TOP 2 CROCHET COZIES"

   

#1. The Coveted Toaster Cozy  

#2. "Barbie" Toilet Paper Cozy

(Yours is in the mail)

 I must admit however, that I DID imagine my life would be different than it is now in the tail end of my 42nd year of life.

As a child my mind was even more whacked out than it is now. I know that may sound scary but I quite like the fact that I am a textbook example of a whimsically charged sexy beast of ramped insanity (no textbooks were actually referenced in the making of this blog post).

I believed in fairy tales and that Unicorns fart brightly hued bubbles that transform into Skittles and then unite together to grace the earth with double rainbows.

But there was also something even more wonderful that I knew would eventually change my life FOREVER!!


When I was growing up, all of the "B" rated movies included a badly coiffed and painfully clueless kid that finds out on their 13th birthday that they are ACTUALLY a Mermaid??!!

They wake up sprouting iridescent gills and multicolor sprigs of flowing Mermaidian hair et all... The resentment to their parents for keeping the secret comes later,, after their boyfriend dumps them,,, but quickly subsides when they master their powers to become the most popular kid in school( and then they quickly dis their only "true" friend for said popularity).

I loved these movies because at sometime in the movie there is a very dramatic and under utilized "slow clap" scene. When the tempo of the clap gets louder and more rousing than ever expected, I always shed a tear or three.

At age 12 I spent a lot of time dreaming that something of that nature would happen to me. I  prayed that I would wake up with a sprig of seaweed in my hair eluding to the fact that in a other worldly sub state of sleep, a hypnotic, magical adventure was had. I visualized that after my mousy brown hair rapidly turns blond, I fashion and sell enchanted jewelry out of the hundreds of stunning iridescent  Mermaid scales I shed each day and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!

Obviously that never happened 

but I started thinking

and thinking

year after year

until I finally figured it out!!

 Eeeeeep!

Do you wanna hear about it? 

Of course you do, here I go...

This is the year it WILL finally happen!!

And it is my LAST chance!

Below is the equation that helped me figure the exact time that my transition into an  other worldly creature would commence.

It is 4 decades after my 13th year the year is 2013

SO 

X+Bx13 to the 5th power+10-2= Apple Pie filling cooked in a Spam crust!

But also,,,, THIS IS THE YEAR OF MY TRANSFORMATION!! (I think the top ranks of  the higher educated thinking league used the Apple Pie and Spam thing to throw me off. They failed. I'm on to them.)

I surmise that "43" is the year that I will slowly start to become an awe strikingly beautiful, luminescent, sparkling and ever so wise mythical being. You all will be SO proud of the fact that you knew me BEFORE my GRAND transition that you will brag to everyone you meet and friend request me to the point of obsession on My Mythical Life.com. I WOULD accept your request, but I would also let the Mythical security force know that you are a creepy stalker type so that Cyclops will keep his bulbous eye on you and a Minotaur (who is also madly in love with me) will alert the Centaurs of the need to watch you in your sleep to make sure that you don't dream about me without paying a small fee for that pleasure (FYI, we take MasterCard, Visa and Sephora gift cards as payment).

I will also have contests on my Mythical profile page because I know you all would want to win lunch boxes and coozies adorned with a grandly extravagant yet sweetly humble hi-def images of me and one of my wildly inspirational yet brilliantly vague quotes.

But so far, the only really "foreign" thing that has sprouted is one rogue whisker type hair growth under my chin (that I plucked whilst staring at the sky and cursing the Gods of aging). This makes me feel less sexy than any woman  of my advanced age SHOULD feel (Especially before turning into a mythical creature soon to be lusted over by masses of Mythical creature fetish clubs).

I  have  also started to find sprigs of magical silvery white hair being slowly and expertly mixed into my flowing locks to make the transition gradually (so that my appearance does not garner world wide attention too quickly). My hairdresser says I am growing older and should expect some grey hair to start showing up,,, but she doesn't even believe in Unicorns so her intelligence is obviously lacking refinement.

I have been so perplexed that I had an expert in imagined mythical transformations study that rogue chin whisker.

I just received the results in the form of a 250 page thesis. I was informed that this was NOT merely a rogue whisker at all!!!

The hair,,, under further investigation,,, meant that I was NOT actually transforming into a Mermaid OR a Unicorn OR a Minotaur.....

 I am actually transforming into a seductive Greek Mythological...

SIREN

 

Heeeeey!!! 

I'm OK with that! 

 I'll just have to buy waterproof sparkles!