Decipher THIS!!!!!

So I went to a site and wanted to make a comment on a post. Innocently I share my wit and await my fate of recognizing computer generated letters - at an angle - jumbled for my viewing pleasure.

It is 7 AM and it is cold here in Florida. I don't think I signed up for this blatant disrespect of my warm climate locale (if I were seductively snuggling someone it would be OK,, alone,, it's like watching paid programming - you have no freaking choice if you're up at 3AM!!).

My randomly chosen letters pop up. They look suspiciously like the word "WHORE". I am slightly offended and look around and up to the Computer Gods in a questioning manner. "REALLY??? WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!!!" These are MY selected letters at 7 AM on a Tuesday morning while I am wearing my pink thermal kitten jammies and thinking about saving the world one dwarf at a time???

I typed "WHORE" begrudgingly and awaited access that was denied for improper letter deciphering. I thought "GREAT,,, now even the Computer Gods know the error of their ways and that I have not had dealings since 1902!!!!"

SHEESH...

......It's gonna be a long day!!!!
......HOLD ME!!!!!!

Socks and gasoline

I was a angelic kid. As a teenager my escapades were mild. Still there were some instances that if I imagine my girls living them,, my chest hurts.

(gimme a minute here,,, breathe,,, cough).

OK.....

Little things like:

.... having a wet t-shirt contest on the hood of a truck in the middle of a parking lot....(I know!!! OMG!!! Like anyone could EVER beat me!!!!).

.... or maybe being so drunk that I pushed my best friends HA-UGE chest of drawers around her room. (Damn thing was covering the door and I needed to use the restroom. I ended up gakking. When her mom came in my friend was caught on the floor cleaning it up with my sock).

.... The caves and Grapefruit Mad Dog 20/20
(uh, yes, that's ALL I am gonna say 'bout that)



But again all-in-all I was a good kid. My dad was the early version of Jeff Probst. He and I duked it out in a battle of wits for my freedom.

OUTWIT---OUTLAST---OUTPLAY

....if I could come up with a way to do all three of those things, I normally would not be in trouble when caught up to something sketchy.

You need an example.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!!! Here I go:

The Coastal Carolina Fair was in town and it was "Midnight Madness"!!! My curfew WAS midnight!!
How can you go to "midnight madness" if your curfew is MIDNIGHT??????
Man that made total sense to me.
This curfew needed to be extended (dur).

So we started early in a series of notes hanging on my door.

.....Dad, please let me stay out late Friday night,,, it's MIDNIGHT MADNESS and I love you!!!!

.....Daughter, your curfew is still MIDNIGHT and I LOVE YOU!

....PLEASE DAD!!

.....YOUR SHOES BETTER HIT THE FLOOR AT MIDNIGHT!!!

Well,,,,,, there was a PERFECT move to make here.

In hindsight maybe I was pushing it a bit when I opened the door at midnight and dropped my shoes on the floor---and left-----.

One time I bought Tupperware for evidence that I was REALLY at a Tupperware party (cause I am intelligent and I heart "burp" lids!!)..

Another instance we were ALMOST caught. I saved the night with my quick thinking and verbal prowess.

It went something like this:

"Well,, where WERE you?????"

"I was uh, bowling...It was sooo fun, I gotta high score!!!"

"Hmmmm,,,, what was your score??"

".............................................UH.....(----CRAP----I've never bowled before---geeze---- I'm a MORON!!!----sweating----what's a good score----please God---what's a good score????)"

"************************300***************************"

"......Really??? That's FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

......WHERE WERE YOU?????????????????????"

.......the caves and Grapefruit Mad Dog 20/20
.......that's all I want to say 'bout that!!!

The nectar of good girls gone wild "for the night" and producer of staggering, slurred speech and the fine art of pavement urination.

Truth

I try to do something that makes me feel sexy everyday. I mean it's the least I can do for me right? So I paint piggies, dance, sing seductively with a hairbrush (shhh), try new shade of eyeliner, do my hair wild or just eat Circus Peanuts while laughing like a fiend (these were just tame examples, actual results may vary, activities may HAVE been changed to protect the innocent).

The other day I was bathin' it. Hot baths are a luxury as a single mom. They are NEVER alone or SEXY, but I was trying damn hard to zone into the little vixen hiding under the layers of mom.

The stillness of the water was soothing me as the perfectly timed drops of heat sang a sultry serenade advancing my relaxation.

...........shuffle.......crack........door opens...........

"Hi Mom!!!!!" DramaGirl squeaked as she backed her ass up to the lavatory furniture.

"Whatchya doin'?" the big brown eyes questioned angelically.

"Well, guess I am bathing, ya think?" I said full of love and NOT feeling sexy.

"Guess so"..... Laugh

I don't know for sure WHAT THE HALIBUT stops them from going to the other restroom????!!!!! I mean my mansion is sprawled and all but you don't exactly need a golf cart to get there. Don't they want privacy?????

....... Fart..... Plop...... plop........guessing not........

"Sorry mom, I farted" ...giggle

" I heard, Drama, could ya, uh,, hit the fan next time?? Sitting in your butt funk disturbs me a little from my bath" I retorted wittily and over her head.

"How do I get that 5th grader to love me mom?" She said with audible concern. "He doesn't even know I am alive mom!!"

"Well, I am SURE he KNOWS you are ALIVE Drama,, he just doesn't care cause he's stupid" My wise words permeated the air.

....... Riiiiiiiiip....... laugh..............more butt funk...............

"It's my beauty mark,” She states hanging quotations in the air "I hate it!!"

"But, I have one and I love it, don't you think mine is pretty?" I ask sweetly trying to finally break the "I hate my beauty mark" wall.

"Not to offend you mom, but no, it's a DOT!!!!" Wipes ass and starts to exit.

"Flush it and hit the fan, DramaGirl"...........

"I feel dotted"..... Sighing

........ Nothing like having a punctuation mark on your face to feel sexy! Let me finish that sentence for you RIGHT now!!!

You're welcome!!!

It's laughable

Things that made me laugh recently!!!

Brought to you by a grant from:

The Mt. Olive Pickle Company

and

The Letters

"Mmmm"

*******There was a tag hanging prominently off a machine that was attached to my being at the hospital.

It was bright yellow and read:

M.I.V.F

- I don't know what that meant but I kept wishing I had a sharpie.

-Then I could change it to:

M.I.L.F

-And laugh every time I saw it.



*******My daughter has asked me if there is some rule that states "Ambulance" guys must be "hot". She vocalized that if I were to need an ambulance again I should make sure that she was there and looked good.



*******When my daughters came to release me from the hospital, a young male nurse was discharging me. I asked him a question about my incision and he wanted to see it again. We went behind the curtain leaving my daughters to giggle in the aftermath. When we emerged, the nurse left and DramaGirl said:

"You got to go behind a curtain with HIM!!! COOOOOOOOL!!!!!"



*******My son was in trouble for incessantly flushing the toilet. He later asked me in a baby sweet voice:

"Are you MAD at me, mommy?"

"You shouldn't flush the toilet without mommy". I said sternly with the proper amount of mommy finesse.

His brown eyes glimmered as he spoke the following affirmation to effective TV advertising:

"Don't be MAD mommy!! Get GLAD!!"


*******One of the ER guys had the job of outfitting me with EKG stickers. He was young and a little nervous. I was fantastic. He tried to place a sticker tab under my breast. My hands were being searched and IV'd so I couldn't help (-blush-). The sticker kept getting affixed on the underside my breast. Three tries and there was success. But not before sticking and re-sticking and leaving sticker residue junk in it's wake. My breast is still sticking to my chest.



*******I bought bread unaware that I already had a new loaf and there were 3 in the freezer. I pointed this out innocently for a gratuitous "spawn-laugh" at my expense. I got this retort:

"Mom's doing some HEAVY cooking again!!!"


*******Went to the store and saw a lady drop a box of crackers. She kicked it 2 times trying to pick it up. This sent it through the aisle like a hockey puck before she finally retrieved it.


*******I saw a dog wearing a "Snuggie" while being walked. I visualized the whole family in their own respective "Snuggie" cocoons. I mean are you really that retarded that you can't function with a regular blanket. Are you REALLY that freaking cold??? What about a robe???? Do you think the inventor of the robe is feeling slighted about his accomplishments?? I mean at least HIS solution gave you a waist!!!! What will happen if all blankets are phased out and we are all FORCED into fashionable "Snuggie" HELL?????!!!!!

I will start a "Blanket Dexterity 101" course and stop this in its vicious tracks. This will also further my multi-millionaire status and bring me closer to my goal of "World Circus Peanut Domination".

Sign up in the comment section for the class.......


*******Bought kids Cocoa Chex mix as a Christmas movie-watching treat. Let them dish their own out. "One big handful in a cup" I said. Received 3 squeaky little "OK" mom replies.

Wanted a snack tonight. Cocoa Chex mix -- just a bit. Bag felt about right after their dishing. Pour onto plate -- NOTHING but Wheat Chex. Damn it. Fold bag put away.


*******I needed undies after a nice hot shower. Nothing in undie drawer except a rogue robe belt and a lonely sock. I had just done a large load. I am saved. Nice hot undies! But the dryer is from hell. It is a stackable and I can hardly reach the clothes. Open door. A sock dives to its death. A bra follows suit and hangs itself from the lint trap. I dig in. Spiderman briefs size 3T, hmm, not tonight. Ooooooh, I see black satin! My lacies, wore them a few nights back to feel sexy. Pulled them out of my ass all night, balled them up and threw them from the bed. NOPE.... There ---- I see my pattern ---- Hanes sigma 2009 -- DramaGirls -- (WHAT THE HALIBUT possessed me to buy the SAME pattern for her???) ---- Spin basin with a grunt --- Clothes snowglobe --- festive --- reeeeeeeeeeeach --- THERE IN THE BACK!!!!!! Fruit of the Loom Goodness --- peach --- taunting me --- top right hand side --- can't reach --- spin -- grunt --- top left hand side --- damn it --- get stool --- instant access --- I'm a moron!!! Should have thought of that 30 mins. ago --- Slip on warm panties --- Next challenge please ---

It's so easy, really!!!!!!

Perhaps I need to take a journey back, to the last truly wonderful dating experience I had. I must dissect it and analyze it's core properties.........But HOLY HALIBUT, it was a long ways back and time travel is so expensive and hard on your body!!!!

There is also the fact that every time I start to think about dating an involuntary twitch starts in my neck (sexy little things like this encompass my being, yes, you may fantasize about me for,, 10,,9,,8,,7,,6,,5,,4,,3,,STOP!!!! You're welcome!).

The married people I know are jealous of my freedom. They say they are happy but long for the excitement of the hunt. I tell them it's been like picking up after a dog. You love the dog but every time you pick up it's scat you wish it weren't there.

I've heard that men are like parking spots:

The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!!!

I don't really think this is true.

I am sure that good available men and women are everywhere.
Good men are hiding.

Where are the men?

In sport equipment stores?
At gyms? (wink, slight secret code msg to someone)
At Home depot in the Dremel aisle?
Eating wings at a dive?
At the lake fishing?
At a blind hunting?
A corner bookstore?
A pet store with their fur buddy?
Circus Peanut conventions? (shiver)

And then there are the Geico Caveman!!!! Where are they???? I have been hunting them since day one to hug their scruffiness, sigh {{{{{{{call me}}}}}}}}}}.



Oh wait!!!! They HAVE been calling me!!!!! sigh!!!!!

I have taken a completely laid back approach to finding someone. I have a few interested parties texting and calling and trying to control me, so I abstain from them. I do not wish to be owned at this time. Rented maybe, completely owned this early in, no thanks. I have things I want to do and I hope my partner will too, then we can have US things.

So if you are texting me like I owe you 10 back, get over it, it's not gonna happen.

The following text sequence happened in a 10 minute span-----seriously-----really-----it did!!!!!!

"Helllloooooo????"--"anybody there????"--"What u doing????"--"Guess you are busy????"--

"Why don't you text me????"--"Haven't heard from you!!!!"----------------------------------------

-------------------{{{{{{{PHONE RINGS}}}}}}}}----------------message tone------{{{{{{{{PHONE

RINGS}}}}}}}}------------------------message tone-----------------------------------------------------

--"I just called you"--"You OK???"--"Left u a MSG"------------------------------"call me"---------



I wasn't ignoring him UNTIL it became obvious he wouldn't LET me ignore him. I was just busy with life.

A life I will enjoy to the fullest dancing happy little jigs.

Wanna come along???????

TEXT ME

Hot Dogs and Slim Jims!!!!

I have several handicaps. You might as well know them so that some of my antics make sense in this very logical world.

Let me be totally "PC" when I say that: I am severely "Directionally Impaired".

I know you are concerned about me and want to understand this mental condition, so I will explain it to you.

If there is a way to take the wrong turn or veer off onto an obscure- State Road-County Road-Your just screwed Road- I will make that vehicular steering adjustment. If the trip is supposed to take an hour - I will take 2 hours. If you say right: I will go left (unless you say turn next to the Sephora Make-up emporium of happiness- I will find that one EVERY time- just thought you should know, I have an internal mascara and lip gloss GPS system).

I learned how to drive late in life. My very first driving lesson was with 3 cute boys and a fidgety Drivers Ed teacher who wanted a hot dog. I could not let on that I had never driven before in case I were to romantically conquer one of the boys or the teacher (kidding, his orientation was questionable, but choice in hot dog condiments - spot on!). Two minutes into the journey he said sternly "This is your FIRST time driving isn't it?" I had been busted, the laughter ensued. He did not let me drive again. I think he enjoyed life and hot dogs too much for the gamble.

I had more money than driving skills when I decided to buy my first car. I was working at a Credit Union making really good money and receiving roses, beer and romantic cards through the drive-in window. The beer came just as my 102-year-old Branch Manager walked by. It was sent as a joke and somehow the air in the tube was strong enough to send it through. The accompanied "WOMP" at its arrival had everyone turn to face me. The cute construction boys flirting with me had left laughing hysterically, leaving the guilty look on the face of an old man who was next in line. Mrs. Opal Jay was not impressed with the alcohol offering, I was 18, I WAS impressed with the humor and sad the beer was confiscated (TOTAL diversion of story, I am sorry, back on task .....1..2...3...... NOW!!!!!!).

I took my dad with me to look at cars for the first time. He would have to cosign. I saw a car and a salesman I wanted promptly after arriving. Under heavens glow sat an '86 Toyota Forerunner. It was jacked up and beautiful. Tan leather interior, running boards and KC lights with smiley yellow covers on them graced this vehicle. My dad said "Nikoshema!!!!!! (My nick name, too embarrassing to reveal what it means) you have NO BUSINESS even LOOKING at a jacked up truck!!!! You are 4 foot 11 inches tall for God's sake!!!!".

I moved on with the search with friends.

I knew when I saw it. My first vehicle should be an '85 Thunderbird V-8. It was slate blue with blacked out windows and nice rims. It was righteous. My dad fell in love with it as a car not as a smart purchase (smile, GOTCHYA!!!!!!).

I did not have my license when I bought it. I sat in it every night dreaming of driving it. When I moved out, I went for my license.

My instructor said:

"Watch out for that...............". DAAAAA-DUNK!!!!!!!!! "Pot hole!!!!! Stop the vehicle ma'am - loooong sigh".

We hadn't left the parking lot and I had failed. Crying cute teenage girls do not woooo driving officials into getting their licenses (who knew????).

I got my license in my friends Toyota Corolla. I then drove my 2000 foot long Thunderbird with a hairpin gas pedal and a rumble that impressed all the boys (winkitty wink wink) as recklessly as I could. I was intelligent enough to know that it was not the right vehicle for me and traded it in for a little sports car with cooler rims and a spoiler (see, I AM a clear thinker!).

When I dated they drove as I entertained them with fun antics and music. When I got married he drove EVERYWHERE, I paid no attention to direction. When I got divorced I had to take over as primary driver. I realized I was a decent driver but that I sucked at finding places and would cry like a baby when I was lost.

I actually had to go to Orlando not too long after the break up. It was then I realized that I had never even gone through a tollbooth as a driver. Someone being nervous GOING THROUGH A TOLLBOOTH-------REALLY???? YES!!!!! It's your Superhero of insanity...Can you mess THAT up.....YES..... Yes you can.

Yesterday I had to meet a friend in Palatka or Welatka (WHAT THE HALIBUT?????!!!!). It is in the middle of nowhere and almost 2 hours away.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

First of all when you people make fun of me know this: If the Government thinks there is a reason to put up signs warning you of Black Bears - there has to be a reason. AT some point there HAVE been Black Bears ON that friggerin' road!!! So me worrying about that (with my luck deficiency issues) is totally NORMAL (for once, agree I am normal- awe come on man, really??? There's no support here??? You are officially out of my cell phone circle!!)!!

The drive up was OK. It was daylight and I only cried once.

The way back was in pitch black with my minds vision of beady glowing bear eyes all around, not so nice. I turned my stereo volume up to "38" and rocked out to AC/DC (because a little "Bedlam in Belgium" goes a long way to calm me). There were deer everywhere. Death wishing.

The veers and the turns were invisible. I would drive on these desolate two lane roads for hours, tears in my eyes, seeing this:



And:





And:















But alas.... I did make it.... Even stopping into a Kangaroo so that I could potty and "SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!!!"

I heart happy endings!!!!!

There were no Circus Peanuts harmed in the production of this blog. The "Kiss your Ass Goodbye Princess" road sign is fictional. Beer should not be sent through the tubes at Bank drive-In's. If beer IS sent through the tubes of Bank-drive In's: the underage teller should be able to consume the beer. The preceding was the opinion of the blogger and does not represent the beliefs of the Blogger site. All rights reserved.

I'm having issues-egads man!!

You know what???? I have been open here and given you plenty of ammunition to use me as your personal laughing target. As you can tell, I don't mind putting myself out there a little bit to pull humor out of any situation. I am about as honest and open with people as you can get.

But, I am having issues.

This whole dating thing is wearing me down. I am a laid back girl, I know I am not going to magically bump into the love of my life with no effort (unless my cyber boyfriend visits me, wink). So when you put yourself out there you can expect some issues.

Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe I just have morals. Maybe I just use common sense (maybe). But, something is wrong with these people, something that makes even a strange bird like me go; "HUH?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

My friends say I have a seductive nature, even when I am not trying. I see that in me, I am flirty I guess. But I don't dress hoochie; I dress closer to business sexy. And I don't talk sexually illicitly in first conversations. But everybody else does (gasp).

And there is more...


Sit down people.............This is gonna sting a bit.........

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

I have received 4 pictures in the last week of men.

No, not of their faces, not even their ass, no not of their car, or that big huge caught bass. It's not of their kids or the boat that they love and not of their church and the big sky above. They are pictures of thingies, this shy girl doest gasp! You should keep your pants buttoned and zipper firmly clasped!!!!!

Not really sure when Dr. Seuss possessed me, shhhh, I think he is gone, but, maybe I'm wrong!!!???? (Muhaha ha ha - yes, thank you, I am taking note of your recommendations and getting out more).

But the point is: Why in the hell would someone feel inclined to send me a picture of his nether regions???????? Especially in the first few conversations!!! (WHAT THE HALIBUT????!!!!!)

Now since I have not seen a full grown thingie for so long, I have to look and cock my head (no pun there, just happened, sorry) and think whoa, REALLY!!!!?????? But for the most part I get offended. I have not advertised that I needed to see that. I have not met you or talked to you for more that 15 minutes. We have not had any romantic encounter. Dude, you don't even know my last name or that I love Circus peanuts and car line dancing!

Furthermore:

When they do this to ME, someone who verbally knows her way around a block, me thinks it's a BIG mistake!!! I am forced to play. I should feel bad about it, but I really don't. Maybe they are nice guys, maybe, but I don't need the hassle of figuring that sickness out. Does this even happen to anyone else but me????????

I ask you; what exactly is my response SUPPOSED to be to an unwelcome pipe picture????

I have come up with many different joke responses. All unique, all 100% me (all laughing at their expense)!!!!

And once again:

You wanna hear them?? Of course you DON'T!! But here I go ANY dang way!!!


"Well, bring on the love snausage baby, I am here waiting!!??????" ...NOOOO, That's not it!!

"OMG put it away!!! You're gonna KILL somebody with that thing someday!!!!"..........NOPE!!!!

"I didn't know NASA had a flesh colored rocket!!!!!!" ...........Don't think so!!!

"Oh, I see you found that missing Pygmy BOA constrictor!!!! My HERO!!!!!"..........Hmmmm, I DO kinda like that one!!!

Or

"If I put a coin in the slot will the air come out and fill my tires???" Aha ha ha ha ha, I gotta stop...

Bow, curtsy....thank you,,,,thank you very much....HEY!!! There will be NO tomato throwing in my blog Mister!!!!!!

It all brings me back to my first apartment days. A friend and me moved in together, young and naive and ready for a little trouble. There was a single guy across the street from us. He was older than we were and never talked to us or waved. One night my roomie saw him in his front window. She screamed to me frantically to get binoculars and come see. Me being young and sweet did not have the slightest idea why.

I fought with her in shock saying, " No!! He's NOT!!!! He's just cleaning his gun, OH SHIT HE"S GOT A GUN!!!!!"

"Jannine!!!! That is most certainly NOT a gun, LOOK AGAIN!!!!!" she patiently advised me.

"HOLY HALIBUT STEW!!!! That's NOT a gun!!!!! SHIT he's looking right at me!!! I stammered while dropping the binoculars and stepping back.

"And he's not stopping!!" she said slowly, "I think this show is for us!!!"

"HOLY HALIBUT STEW!!!!!!!"

The next couple of weeks went by to the showing of the same stage production. We ignored it as much as we could. One day he came out to the edge of our yard and we knew we had to act. We called the police and explained the situation delicately. They were asked to come with no lights on and catch him in the act. We felt unsafe with him there. The next night as planned, he serenaded his trumpet. The cops came full boar lights on with no secrecy. Assholes!!!!

Our neighbor moved out the next week.

A friend showed me an interesting excerpt from the newspaper a few weeks after the incident. It was a police article of local crime activity. It showed MY address with the words "Indecent Exposure". Our call complaining about him had flagged our address as the reported activity instead of his!!!!!

I kept that piece of paper for years in case no one believed I was one bad mamma jamma!!!!!

So, in closing: I think I am hanging up my dating site gloves for a while to just enjoy relishing my own hot dog of happiness (dang, another bad pun?? I need help!! Please send help!!!).

Juvenile??? Yes!! Funny???? I hope so!!!!

*******WARNING: I had a conversation with my mom last night and she told me that when she reads my blog and I say "ass" it always makes her laugh (-----we weren't sure why------). So I dedicate this blog post to her. It will contain a lot of ass usage. I will have an ass count at the end. I won't however (due to parental monitoring) talk about sex - or - men's asses - or - my lack of sex AND men's asses - or - drinking - or - staying up late eating junk food and adding to my ass -or- watching rated "R" movies - or - when I said out loud "so easy a caveman can do it" and the homeless guy HEARD me and looked sad and my kids laughed (been praying for forgiveness on that one, but he did look just like 'em, sigh) - or - the reckless abandon I used when I ripped off the mattress tags - or - the in-pure thoughts I had about Walter the Mart greeter - or - that I use those little Christmas address stickers sent to me in lieu of a voluntary donation *without donating*.... (that's not what's on your card's envelope mom, I swanee).

But..... I WOULD like to say that Church has been splendid EVERY night - and - the tiny village of Vommbabadabei that I single handedly planted a whole rice field and built 10 schools in, is honoring me with a ceremony next week -and- that the blankets I hand knitted with my own children's belly button and toe lint have all been passed out to the shelters - and - that I turned down ANOTHER starring movie role because it had an ass scene AND a topless scene in it--and because of the morals I was raised with I couldn't do it even for the 20 mil (I think Angelina ended up taking it, she needed it more, what with the 50 kids and all, I'm a giver)*******end of disclaimer*********

Wow! Everyone has their Christmas lights up already-maybe it's because I live in a "not so nice" neighborhood and they never took them down, but whatever. The icy glow of white lights always gets me in the mood. What "mood" that is depends on the stupidity and "ass"inine (cheated on that one a bit, wink) behavior of the people I have to deal with IN the stores.

Today started out nicely, I dug around until I found my little Rudolph deco for the car and the PT is now decked for the holiday!!! My kids were thrilled. That's why I do it, just for them (ha).

And then I made the mistake of going to the Mart.

I have strong pro and con feelings about the Mart. I suppose if you go to a Mart in an affluent area there will be less cons, but also less things to laugh about (pros). Today a woman showed her ass. She really did,,,,, it was ass cleavage. She was wearing a pair of tight jeans that caused a severe case of muffin top (they were like 6 sizes too small and she was no featherweight champion, not that I am, but still). They had a large rectangle cut out of the under ass portion of both legs. My kid's begged me to take a picture for you but I said, "Alas my children, your beautiful and talented Mother will draw the offending ass with perfect precision and skill and present it on her blog with much fanfare".

Wanna see your visual? Of course you do!! Here it comes:



You are soooo welcome!!!

However:

Drawing this on photo shop made me realize how very lonely and disturbed I must be. I guess it was somewhere between actually drawing the jean stitches (which you can't see now, sigh,, waste of 30 good minutes!!!), and the perfectly arched ass crack work, that left me sad and empty inside.

I'm going to go eat some green olives and rock back and forth in my chair for a while. Yes; I promise I am wearing my helmet and yes; I DO take the short bus for long trips !! GEESH

Mom's ASS COUNTOMETER: 15

See........ I can't be all THAT bad- I just made my mom laugh 15 times!!!!! XOXOXO MOM!!!!!!!

Circus Peanuts and Harleys

A few days ago I met a guy for coffee downtown in the square. This really was NOT a date; it really was just a "meet". The square is decorated beautifully with greenery and festive hoopla. There is a huge Christmas tree and a bright red sleigh iced with lights. A crisp cool breeze swept my cheeks and I felt chilly in a great "wintry holiday" way. The gazebo entrance was beautifully smiling with holly and bow swags. The church bells were ringing in the distance. "How could anything go wrong?" I thought sweetly holding on to the fleeting hope of unexpected romance.

The coffee shop is right across the way from the square. He was going to ride his Harley over and meet me in the middle of the square with coffee (even though I don't drink coffee it sounded romantic in a "Meg Ryanie-Tom Hankie on the top of a building sort of way, right??).

I had my son with me and he was playing with his truck quietly (after I took 50 pics of him in the sleigh). Normally I wouldn't do this sort of thing with him in tow (and won't again) but it was only to be a quick 15-20 minutes as we both had other plans for the day. I conceded to the meet. I heard him drive up (And I must say the sound of a Harley always stirs me a bit (grrrrr)).

My nerves kicked in:

Stomach suck progress---check---concave

Proper boob angle and demure cleavage status---check---

Sexy stance; provocative yet sweet, simple and natural---affirmative---

Depends undergarment in place for when I nervously wet myself---MISSING------ABORT MISSION------"CODE CHIHUAHUA"-------ABORT MISSION--------HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!!!!......(damn, too late, he is walking up!!)

Now, in my eyes; when a man staggers over, two hands held out holding cups of coffee looking at you; he can’t help but look sweet for the effort. And he did. But there was no spark. He was dressed in a Garth Brooksy-ish shirt and dirty jeans. His hair slicked back. Thick black framed glasses sat on the tip of his nose and he wiggled his dirty fingernails (ewwww, I couldn't stop looking at the jagged nails, cringe).

But the spark that was lacking for me was personality, not looks (I know I probably shouldn't have mentioned his appearance then, don’t judge me, I’m painting you a picture people, it's ALL for YOU, you’re welcome. Please don’t interrupt again, it's rude and my mind gets all jumbled, I start thinking about Circus Peanuts and uh sex, uh yea, that's right Circus Peanuts!!!).

He was around 4 years older than me but acted and looked as if he were 20 years my senior. I think I am a bit like my mom, she has cured VERY well (she is beautiful) and you would not guess her age. I got lucky with that age gene. But I also dress and keep myself looking young. No dowdy clothes or hair for me. I like dramatic accessories and make up. I love a little edge. So I like to think I don’t LOOK my age at all (Of course I just turned 39 yesterday and I may just be trying to make myself feel better, but whatever, I can't hear you laughing at me and shaking your head at my insanity so it's all good, no stop it, really....it hurts me...).

Maybe the reason I have had troubles meeting someone is because they do all ACT their age. No spunk or edge. I’m not ready for a senior citizen romance yet.

Wanna know why? Of course you do! Here I go:

I still want to dance in the car line and in the parking lot and down the aisle of stores

I still want to get on my hands and knees and act like a wacko with my kids

I’m not ready for bingo night yet

I love rock and roll and edgy things

I don’t want to wear tunics or moo moos

I believe in the POWER of well-placed sparkles

Prunes-sprunes let it happen naturally

I don’t want my shoes to have Velcro

If I want to get up at 2am and run to the mart for a new rock CD I will

I want to slide down waterfalls and splash in the cool clear pools of the mountains

I want to hand-glide and bungee jump and toss myself out of a perfectly good plane

I want to dedicate a WHOLE vacation to finding the fastest and most awesome roller coasters (coaster whore here)

I want to drive sports cars F-A-S-T and kiss rebels S-L-O-W

I don’t want to sit idle on a porch drinking coffee EVERYDAY

I don’t want to talk about ailments, yours OR mine

I want to LIVE each day as a gift and hope my spirit touches someone and makes him or her want to do the same.

I got yelled at the other day because I went up (just a little) in a fast food playground area to chase and tickle my kid. Even though most of the kids were taller than me (shhhh, let me finish, again with the laughing at me, sigh), I guess it was apparent I am not 12. He said, "Excuse me, uuuuuhhhhhh, Ma'am!!!! Parents are not allowed in the play area". I said, "Why not dude??? I like playing and I’m under the maximum height requirements!" gave him a quick wink and then grabbed Hoover by the foot for another tickle. He walked away, can't argue with that logic I guess. The other mothers glared at me like I was doing something outrageous (actually PLAYING with my kids in the PLAY area instead of tap, tap, tapping on my cell and drinking an iced mocha latte--the horror!).

My mom was at a toy store with my brother and me when we were tweens. We started playing with a cool new toy. A clerk ran up and yelled at us to find our parents. Mom's look and response to him added a priceless memory to my bank. Hopefully my kids will have smiling thoughts of me like that. I hope they DO remember the crazy antics I have shared with them.

I am not saying I don’t know how to or don’t want to be a grown up and be responsible. I am one of the most responsible levelheaded people I know (WAIT!!! That's scary!!!! WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!....... The Seductress is now rocking back and forth in her chair, please stay tuned......insert elevator music here...OK, I'm back...woosh!). I just think it's OK to depart from that a bit from time to time. I want to be able to enjoy both sides of the spectrum with someone by my side that "gets it" (and then I can take him around the corner to a deserted hallway and steal passionate kisses from him without warning).

"HALIBUT YEA-AH!!" I SAID IT OUT LOUD!!!!! WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!

Holiday Smoooooochies!!!!!

What is it about the holidays that make the advertisers think "Hmmmmm, if they cry, they will buy???" It seems 85% of the commercials out this time of the year are emotionally driven. And since I am a sap, I cry. Like the one commercial where the son comes home and the little sister and him make coffee to wake his family. Or the one where the little boy sees Santa and wishes for something for his dad who is serving in the military, and it snows in the desert!!

Crying does NOT make me want to buy something. Laughing makes me want to buy things! But that's just me and we all know I am a "laugh whore". Join me; I can be your "laugh John"!!!!!

Some companies "take the cake" for me though (who came up with THAT saying??? It's kind of sad, somebody just coming and taking your cake. So you get the cake but you DON'T get to eat it too?? Hey,,,,, who came up with THAT saying?? Ummmmm,,,,, focus ,,,, back step ,,,, restart).

.... Now back to your previously programmed blog, already in progress....


One of the advertisers that gets me all riled up is KAY JEWELERS. Really KAY marketers????? Does EVERY kiss REALLY begin with KAY?????

E-V-E-R-Y----K-I-S-S?????

I have had some pretty spectacular kisses that did NOT have ANYTHING to do with a jewelry store. But now that I'm in the great "man drought" of 2009, and soon to star in the devastating "man, I need a man plea " tour of 2010, maybe I should rethink my position about getting kissed.

Maybe if I stand INSIDE the Kay Jewelry store, holding jewelry, wearing a nice thick red knit hat, scarf and mittens (guys love that), some handsome man will run up and throw me against the glass display case and kiss me!!!!!

Two months later he'll buy me the "Embrace" pendant!!!

A few months after that I'll get the "I'll never let you go!" earrings!!!

Then the " I'm watching every move you make!" bracelet!!!

About a year in, I'll receive the "I don't care about the restraining Order!" broach!!!

Next I'll get the "So now you're duct taped in my closet!" ring!!!

All to be followed up by the "Witness protection program, sha-mogram, I found ya!" charm bracelet!!!

*****The "witness protection program, sha-mogram, I found ya!" charm bracelet comes with several LOVELY charms, like the mace can, police station and hospital charms- all specially created and meticulously hand crafted to remind you of your time together and his obsession with YOU!!!!*****

Awwwww crap,,, how precious!!!! I can only dream of romance!!!!!

And cry at the holiday commercials!!!!

And run out and buy their products like a lemming on a cliff (jump) ...........WHAT THE HALIBUT????!!!!

****Note: The jewelry items listed in this blog are completely fabricated in the mind of the Seductress only. They cannot be purchased in any retail store environment. If you are interested in this wonderful investment opportunity, you may contact "The Invisible Seductress" directly. Finance options and possible partnership/branding agreements may be considered at that time.****

Peanut butter jelly time!! Peanut butter jelly time!!!

Warning: The title really does not have anything to do with the post. I was just doing the "Peanut butter jelly time" dance (interactive blog assignment: stand up and shake your groove thang for no reason right now, it WILL make you smile, big wet puppy dog kisses to those who did!!!)

Tuesday was a weird day for me. I don't know why but I thought deep thoughts instead of college humor slapstick (it sucked). I was feeling a bit down and out still trying to recover from surgery and complications; it felt as if I would never be me again. I decided, "Hey I'll get a PPV movie"!! So I did. Stupidly, I ordered a drama. I think through the duration of this movie there were only about 5 minutes that I was not sobbing. A dinner of pickles and green olives left me with one hand full of napkins drenched in relish tray juice, and the other tear saturated napkin remnants. I thought that if a special someone were here by my side they would either be crying with me or laughing at the snot coming out of my nose (so sexy). Either way, I could recover more swiftly then I did. That thought just triggered others (of course).

In the meantime another hit from the dating site came, right at the right time I thought. Hmmmmm, let's see what we have here. We chatted it up for a bit on the site. He seemed "normal". I asked him if he was an ax murderer like me, expressing that it is so hard to find a "nice" ax murderer these days (sigh). He said he wasn't but handled my humor deftly. After a few hours I asked him to go ahead and email me and gave him my addy (like any good victim would do). He did. Then the barrage of questions came. It seems he was so wrapped up in what his perfect list of qualities would be that he forgot, hey, maybe I should like HIM too!!!! You could tell he was writing STRAIGHT from a friggin' list. This angered me; it's the woman's job to be shallow and psychotic!! How dare you invade MY territory!!! I went on to answer every question in the manner opposite of what he would want to hear. And with my flair of humor and sarcasm, I made it very believable and sincere. I am sure after the third email he thought I had already found his location and was looking in his window with a new tattoo of his face on my ass (I couldn't find him, but, I DO like the new tat!!).

I added more children, tattoos, addictions (the normal ones alcohol and circus peanuts) and I generated a lot of large angry ex's. I became his worst nightmare. It was fun navigating his responses and requisitioning. My last email reversed all of these vices and got down to the nitty gritty of RELAX DUDE!!!!! You 101 questioned the wrong girl way to soon!

Maybe looking THAT closely at every "flaw" perceived in your head about people is the REASON so many are single to begin with. What ever happened to casual conversation and learning about a person at a slower (more exciting and intimate) pace? Was it too much trouble for him to actually MEET someone before the analysis? Is he SO great that to even be IN his presence means a background check; resume and credit report is needed? If I "checked out" maybe then I could be accepted for a first date (WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!!)!

Now I must say this dating thing has been a challenge to me. I'm just a little too laid back I think. I am not feeling the emergency of being with someone NOW-right NOW-I need it NOW!!!!! (Although I should, been navigating the "Sahara Man Dessert" for quite some time, big sigh).

There are some things that I think I may be doing wrong. Like actually having a brain. This is unnecessary to 85% of these men. I may be wrong, but is having a bimbo that agrees with EVERYTHING you say and laughs at all your one-liners all it takes? Shutting up and just looking pretty is hard for me. Not showing passion or challenging any positions is dang near impossible. I'm not gonna sip my drink sexily through a straw, pick at a salad and utter, "Ya-huh, I agree" while sticking my chest out to you (However, I will put sparkles on my cleavage so that I shine like a starry night, wink).

Should I "dumb down"? Hmmmmmmm, like OMG, I totally should!!!!

I do have issues though (like you did not know this already, ha). In talking about flaws, of course I have some immediate turn offs (I don't ask you about them in the first 10 minutes though, sigh of relief).

Wanna hear them? Of course you do here I go:

The following turn offs are only in the texting or email arena, real life turn offs to be shared at a later time (You're welcome!).

I am not a girl who is a big fan of certain abbreviations. For example: LOL - ROFL - LMAO - OMG and the like (Basically anything a preteen might text her BFF). I know that in texts "short" is better, but when a MAN types in a text or email like my 11 year old would, it shivers my timbers. I start imagining him "manscaped" perfectly, totally coordinated, carrying a man purse and MY purse in the mall. He would buy my tampons and do my toenails. He would be angry if I put a pair of argyles next to his gym socks. He would lotion his heels. I like my men balanced. I like my men---MEN!!! I need a little grit. I don't want a girlfriend. "Metro sexual" may just be a curse word. Let me see you sweat. Do stupid primal things every once in a while, please........ (hmmmm, that just got me a bit frisky, better stop, slapping myself with a Yakosobi noodle). This is not to say that a man who dresses nicely and keeps him self up is not attractive. They are, VERY, I am just saying NOT TO THE EXTREME GUYS!!! Men stay men REAL women want that!!

Yes, I am a word snob. I am not perfect and do not spell everything correct 100% of the time. I may not punctuate properly and I heart "run on sentences!!" But when it comes to "basic" words used everyday and you can't spell them, it bothers me OK????? There I said it!!

My mentor at "The American Language Virtuoso Club" says "A proper word virtuoso is understanding of the shortcomings of others and their language practices" (snicker, snort, no such club exists).

A dater that told me he wanted to be a chef emailed me today and said that he had some new "resaipies" he wanted to try out on me (no kidding folks, that was exactly what he wrote). I was flattered that he wanted to make "resaipies" ON me (blush), but couldn't get passed the way he spelled such a basic word in a field that he wishes to pursue. Me, I want to be a "rightor" and a "mahm" and a "louver" of "manee"!!!!!

Sadly this is common in 90% of the replies I get. They "LOL" me and murder the English language. Please Lord let me push that aside and see the real man behind it!!!!

I may be destined to be single here people.

A man may never enjoy watching me suck Jell-O through a straw because all the dishes are in the machine.

He may never have the joy of digging me out of the covers in the morning to see if I made it through the night.

Sadly, he may never experience my infamous wrestling move (The "Neene Hold” is IMPOSSIBLE to release yourself from).

Oh this is SOOOOOOO sad for mankind (laughing, uh yea, I'm a treasure, snort, urp, scratch).

WARNING TAGS: PART DEUCE

I was talking last blog about warning tags it would be nice to see “before” the fact, to help you decide your actions. Maybe they would help stop some of the negative things that happen in our lives. But then too you should see positive tags on people, right?? I mean come on; it’s the holiday season; I need to share some positive tags to lift spirits and give you that warm comfy feeling right?? (Uh,, er,, yes,, but,, not today,, hit me up next week on Thanksgiving,, (my birthday) because ah hell, then I’ll be older and wiser!! And maybe not as much fun as I am now at this "young" age,, laughing,, yea that’ll happen, urp, snort)!!

Welcome to:

WARNING TAGS: PART DEUCE

**On your daughters teacher, at the conference, because your daughter talks too much in class (wonder where she gets that from? Hmmmmm, slinking out of parenthesis)**

Warning tag reads:

Uh, I am like 24 and I have no children. I wonder how you could be such a HORRIBLE parent that your child talks in MY class. Please just nod in agreement and reprimand her strongly. Also take a parenting class. Could we hurry this up as well? I’m only wearing this sweet flowery dress until you leave. Then I’ll “skank” it up because I’m gonna go drankin’ with my whole posse’ of non-parenting friends. I will talk about how horrendous a parent you are! I will also and laugh and snort at the way you looked sitting in that miniature desk. OMG!!!! IT WAS SOOOOOOO FUN-NAAAAY!!!!!


**On the sales lady at Victoria’s Secret**

Warning tag reads:

Oh my word, you are not smaller than an “A” cup like me. You actually have woman breasts I would pay for, ahem. I am sorry that none of the flimsy lingerie in this store would even come close to supporting those. You are a department store tit person. Please move along and let me help the 15 year old behind you. We have 12,052 beautiful bras that will fit her pre-pubescent body (WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!!).



**On the glass of Vodka in your hand**

Warning tag reads:

Excuse me, hello??? Um, 2 more of these and the caveman across the bar will look REALLY attractive to you. His hairy knuckles and lisp will do amazing things to your libido. This will lead to a sore scalp and road rash as he drags you into his man cave. This might also trigger the desire to wear head to toe animal print. This is a look only works for Fred Flintstone. Wait, did he just BUY you ANOTHER?????? HEY!!!! You are slurping me down too qui………..



**On the EX from years and years ago that texts you every 6 months to tell you he is “sorry” and he misses you**

Warning tag reads:

I am not sorry. The revolving door of bimbo’s and ho’s are leaving me nostalgic about having a REAL woman and a REAL relationship. If you take me back this would last approximately 2 ½ months and then another bimbo will beckon me to the abyss. You can NEVER change me.



**Hanging from the entire cereal aisle**

Warning tag reads:

You are ADDICTED to cereal. What’s your flippin’ deal with it? Its sweet flavor and milky goodness are very bad for you. Even if you get the healthiest kind you will try to choke it down by adding 3 cups of sugar. You have a problem and need help. Leave this aisle immediately!!!! No!!!! Put it down, it’s not REALLY for your kids!!!! The cute cartoon character on the front will not suffer if you reject him. Go get fruit its GRRRRRRReat!!!!!



There!!!! Well I hope you enjoyed this latest installment (bowing, flipping hair, blowing kisses).

It would be so fun for a lonely gal like me if you added a few of your own (I have no life and the Ice Cream truck still drives by playing Christmas music EVERY day frightening me)!!!

The blog guy I’m blog crushin’ on (swooooon, grrrrrrrr) added “future ex-wife”(or hubby) to my other list of tags!!! That’s PERFECT!!!! That one would save a heck of a lot of trouble!!!!! SMILE---- But then, maybe it would make you miss some good times too, hmmmmm…(Seductress ponders looking to the sky, scratching her chin intuitively and then decides)…CRAP, put that tag on,,,,,,,,,,,QUICK!!!!!!

The Encounter

A few weeks ago at the Mart we had an incident in the meat aisle. DramaGirl was singing Taylor Swift. MsDebate was by my side talking about the grocery list and what needed to be added to it. Hoover sat in the cart talking to everyone that went by and singing with his sister -until - He spotted a Palmetto bug. He screamed at the top of his toddler lungs "Ewwww, NASNEEEEEE a “CROCKCROACH”-Look sistors, Ewwwww NASNEE!!!! Get it; It’s a “CROCKCROACH”!!! It’s in the MEAT!!!!!"

As the passer Byers looked on I was horrified. DramaGirl ran screaming 20 feet ahead for safety. An employee heard the chaos and came out quickly to avert attention. "Geeze, that’s Florida for ya! We spray ALL the time!" He spoke loudly with purpose, and then the crunch of death was heard... (Clean up in the "gross image" in my head aisle. Clean up in the "gross image" in my head aisle).

Hoover continued sharing the “crockcroach” warning in the meat with everyone that passed by until I thwarted him with a free sugar cookie from the bakery.

I’m not an overly girly-girl but there’s something about a palmetto bug that just seems wrong. I should never have to deal with them. With three girls in the house this is an issue. When one shows its mug (usually in the back play room (great) because it’s right off the pool) we all freak out. MsDebate fortunately seems to be the one gal who will kill them if bribed properly. She does this with little or no screaming, she has saved our lives many times and will even dispose of the remains (I love her, I’ll not trade her in just for that!).

DramaGirl on the other hand, screams like a banshee and locks herself in her room for at least 20 minutes, cracking the door to make sure the coast is clear. I am almost just as bad.

One day MsDebate had the cruel idea of throwing a raisin towards the door at one of the door cracking intervals. Now really as a mother I should have been against this idea from the get go. But I’m not right so I considered some factors before making my final decision:

1. Trauma factor: How long would it take to talk her off drama’s edge?

2. Ammo: As many times as she has embarrassed me, this would be a perfect story for the arsenal of the "embarrassing things to tell your boyfriend" list I am compiling

3. Laugh factor: How high on the scale would this be AFTER the fact? (DramaGirl actually LOVES telling stories like this and months after hits me with a play by play recap. It sounds like this: "Remember when I… (Fill in blank).... awwww,,,, good times mommy!! (Dramatic pause) GOOD TIMESSSSS!"

I decided to fly with it (don’t judge I know I’m awful). It went down just as I thought it would and she did end up laughing about it. And Hoover, before I could stop him, ended up eating the raisin saying: "see, jus’ a raisin Ri-wey, jus’ a raisin!"

Now to get to the REAL reason I am writing this nasnee tale today:

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do! Here I go:

A little over a month ago I had a major problem in the garage. A HUGE “crockcroach” met me about 3 feet in front of the door every time I opened it. He would scurry to me unafraid.

In my head I envisioned an old time western gunfight. Dust swirling in the air, saloon music playing in the background. Tumbleweeds rolling past while the famous gunfight whistle song plays loudly (interactive blog request: whistle this: woo-wee-woo-wee-wooooooooo,, dun, DUN DUN. Hey it worked in MY head, maybe there’s something wrong with your whistling!)

There I am in the middle of the road looking sexy in my chaps and studded hat, holstered Raid cans inches from my readied hands. “Crockcroach” staring me down ready to play chicken with me (what, like he would have a gun holster or be wearing chaps, geeze,, it’s a BUG --- who’s got issues now! Laughing).

Anyway it went on like this for weeks, the same roach, the same position. How COULD it be the SAME roach I questioned myself? WEIRD!!!!! (I wondered if it was like a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen twin thang, the roach siblings switched up as to not break any buggy labor laws, hmmmm).

We kinda had an agreement, he never scurried toward me and I respected his space. I talked to him firmly and he stayed outside.

I named him "Peeve" so he could be my “pet peeve” (I know I am sick, you know I’m sick, WHAT THE HALIBUT??)

A few days ago I had to go directly in his path, nervously I pulled out a fishing pole to convince him to go the other way for a bit. He didn’t move. I thought he had huge bug nads. I pushed harder. It was then that I confirmed the fact that I am a raging idiot!

I had been having a battle of wits with a dead bug. I’m not sure when he perished but I do know he won the honor of making me feel stupid with no contest.

(I share this story with you ONLY because I trust you will never tell anyone about my stupidity,, you’ll do this because you love me, thank you. I’m glad we understand each other!)

Which one are YOU???????????

I followed a Lazyboy furniture truck for about thirty minutes today. As my mind often does it wandered to a distant land of singing, sparkles and L-O-V-E!!!! Not sure what I mean??? Well here's a written visual for ya (ha, see how I did that...written visual,, I'm a tricky one!):

-----truck,,,,, truck,,,,, furniture,,,,,, he-EY,,,, I likey likey that chair,, hmmmmmm,, chair,,my house stat,, gee I wonder if truck driver is cute,, (rear view glance,, smile),, I look alright,, uh HULLLOOOO,,,, LIP GLOSS,, (pucker,, smack,, lick teeth to removing stray lip gloss remnants),,OK now,, (smile!!),, truck,, truck........HEY!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HALIBUT?????? What are they trying to say,,,, uh,,, RUUUDE,,, I'm hungry!!!

****Thank you for joining me on this short episode of "The Invisible Seductress Sporadic Thought Bonus" Join us next time when the Seductress sees ANOTHER random object and totally ignores her driving responsibilities ONCE again!!****
(Side note: The lip gloss was totally justified in this situation,, don't judge me)

So,, what was I upset about you ask (confident that I will share because I can't stop blogging for you and because I love you so much I want to personally feed you Circus Peanuts,,,,, what??? I do,, really!!)???

You DID ask didn't you??? Of course you did!! Here you go:

What you can't see in the picture (that I almost killed myself to take for you) is the written part of the advertisement. Above the first chair it says "BLONDE" the second "BRUNETTE" and the third,, (yes you are soooo smart ****GOLDSTAR****) "RED HEAD" (my personal favorite, not sure why,, flipping Auburn hair, winking right at YOU!!).

This bothered me because if you scrutinize at the ad you notice things, at least I do because I have issues (the first step is admitting).

The "BLONDE" chair and the "RED HEAD" chair are both so unique and nimble. They are fun fabric pleasure portals. Sexy thin seats, smooth lines, cool contemporary colors and ACTION!!! (yes ACTION!!!)....Hours of fun and relaxation there -AND- you can "switch it up" with the flick of the wrist. Legs in -- OK,,,, hey "BLONDE", hook me up!!!!! Legs out-- well hello there "RED HEAD"!!! Thank you for the consideration, I love you!!

Where does that leave "BRUNETTE"???

Poor squat short stubby legged thick seated "BRUNETTE". Now some would argue (even I would have to agree) for that nice homey touch "BRUNETTE's" your seat. She's got that "eat a whole meatloaf with ketchup on top" look. Her feel is comfortable, expected, ordinary and trustworthy. Where she misses the boat is action, adventure and accommodations of chair comfort-nessy-ish-ness (yea, sure, you can use it in Boggle,, you're welcome AGAIN,, geesh,, needy).

You just kind of park yourself and ponder....Hmmmmmm,, wonder what she'll do next (nothing,, great,, meatloaf again??... sigh)...The other gals are exciting and feisty. Oh poor "BRUNETTE"! (I actually own her cousin, the "LOVE" seat,,, bow chica bow bow,,, he's naughty and BOTH sides kick out,,,,,,suki suki now!!!)

So could this be a metaphor you ask. What are you trying to say Invisible???

Nah,, this ain't no metaphor!!!! I'm just a simple chair activist and think "BRUNETTE" got the short end of the advertisement stick. You go where you want with it. My mind is spent..

SPANX's, CHEESECAKE and KOOL-AID!!

Today I have already broken down in tears. The weight of my problems and the severity of situations with which I have no control over too great. My humor still tried to break through, but was lame at best.

Yesterday the back toilet clogged up thanks to a Papa Smurf landing. Try as I did, exhausting every option, I was not able to unclog it. I thought "well OK then, I guess the front toilet will take the extra usage penalty". This morning with yet ANOTHER Papa Smurf landing, the front pot is clogged. I plunged for an hour. I thought I had it fixed. I hadn't, the proof is on the floor.

Your hero was sitting on the edge of the tub yielding the plunger AGAIN, hands callused, water still overflowing. I put my head down on the tip of the plunger and sat sobbing, tears adding to the overflow.

Things have been muddled here. Ongoing financial struggles and serious medical issues dealt with alone. I could elaborate for you but I would like to keep you all as readers. The kids were screaming and fighting and the house is a mess. Where is my control now and how come when I scream for Calgon NOTHING happens? I sat there, plunger steadying me thinking, Cinderella cried on a bench and a Fairy Godmother appeared!!! She cushioned her head with her lap, sang cool Bibbity, Boppity songs and gave her the cloth of her skirt to cry into. Certainly crying on a plunger head deserved SOME kind of Disney intervention!!

Thursday I went to the doctor. I have had 9 (I may have lost count) surgical procedures to correct a situation to no avail. My tests are coming back bad and the time has come to take aggressive action. I have been scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. My joking nature was thwarted in the office by the medical staff. As I joked of my sexiness and the spanxs I wore that day (no one was a SUPPOSED to ask me to pull down my pants WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!), they stood strong, making sure that I knew the gravity of my situation and the immense risks involved with this surgery. "Your home should be in order"..... I fully understood yet did not feel the need to break down and pity myself in front of them (plus, the surgeon is hot and medical students turn me on so the drool got in the way,, slurp). I can dwell at night with no witnesses.

Today as I plunged I had the inevitable bad thoughts. Maybe it would be easier if I did slip through the medical cracks. Would my kids be more financially stable? I certainly wouldn't feel so alone and questioned in my thoughts. Should I visit with Walter in the Flip Flop aisle (they are even on clearance now!!!). I should eat a whole cheesecake covered in Circus Peanuts, thighs be damned! (OK so that last one wasn't soooo bad, I guess).

I wanted to spend this last weekend (with an 8 to 12 week recoup looming) spoiling my kids with love and quality time but I feel so overwhelmed with fear I've yelled at them instead.

The sun is shining through the blinds and is calling me to suck up these tears and press on to the park. We'll have a poorman's picnic (stale bread with a slather of peanut butter and purple mustache Kool-aid). I will buy POP-ROCKS. We'll laugh at our own quirks. I'll treasure them and their phenomenal skills of aggravation and make Kool-aid come out of their little noses. I will also accept my responsibility as "ZAPPED" (the marker did not wash off!!).

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ I'M A GOOBER!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'll accept any good thoughts and prayers you may have to offer me until I return. Monday is "extreme test" day for me (mental note, no SPANXS!!). I will be busy readying for an extended hospital stay.

I hope to slip in here before Wednesday and bring you some humor instead of this droll offering.

Have your Kool-aid ready!!!!!!!

The Original Playground Pimp!

I was spending some quality "talk" time with my girlz today. Just a nice time spent laughing and gabbing about out what happened in their lives at school this week. All of the sudden, MsDebate grabbed my hand and tried to write on it. "Uh, Excuse me,, I own that appendage!!" I said questioning her intentions. She just smiled and said "Well,,you've been ZAPPED!!!!" I looked around for Ashton Kutcher,,but alas,,he never showed. So I patiently awaited the explanation of my newly attained title. "It means you are liked Mom!!!" she said, proudly displaying her hand. There on top, in big fat writing was the word "ZAP". It was tastefully accentuated with lightening bolts and squiggles. "So" she asked sweetly "can I ZAP you mom,, puhleeeeease???!!!". DramaGirl laughed excitedly beside us. The big brown eyes and pathetic squeaks grew to be too much and I submitted to being "ZAPPED". I did this before fully realizing the technical aspects of my new position. Now, with the top of my hand fully adorned, I was told to flip it over. In my palm a secret message would be written. I'm a dumb a*s so I followed direction like a Lemming off a cliff. I was warned to not read the message until directed. At this point it was assumed that the green marker inscribed palm message would be special because I was "liked". It was not. It said "I'M A GOOBER!" (I am, but still,,WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!). I was then informed that anytime someone called my name, I was to stand and speak loudly and proudly the message that graced my hand. This game did not last very long, it did however get me thinking back to the "old days".

I remembered the paper puppet hand thingy-jigger with the numbers, colors and scrawled fortunes tucked inside. If you pick the number 5, then pick the color yellow, if when you open the flap, the paper puppet hand thingy-jigger says "kiss Chris Crumbly",,,you KISS Chris Crumbly!!! (full on, behind the tree, got caught, lied, said "we were ONLY looking for marbles!" And kissed him again when they believed me-----suckerzzzz)! The paper puppet hand thingy-jigger knew all and was to be highly respected. It rocked!! So did gullible teachers and cute boys named after the remains of messy food items. That memory sent me drifting back again, this time to the thought of kissing even MORE boys and Doug. Playground pimp Doug.

Wanna hear about him? Of course you do here I go:


Doug wasn't unusually handsome, but he did have a strong confidence and a wild spirit that sucked you in. He was the first boy that ever gave me jewelry. It was a piece of thick bark with a hole placed in the top strung with red yarn. A true masterpiece of bark-gemstone artistry. On one side, a heart was deeply inscribed. On the other, (the words every girl longed to hear) "I like you, do you like me?" were scratched. My choices to answer this question were "yes", "no" and of course, "maybe". I was in love. I chose a resounding "YES" and wore my necklace proudly. Me and Doug wanted to start a family so he decided he should get us a house.
The school playground was large and had slight hills. It was spotted with mature pine trees and was perfect real estate for a first time home buyer. Our "house", a circle made out of pine straw, was built under a tree by a ditch. We would happily reside there every recess with our pine sap covered shoes. I was so exultant, I made a lovely pine straw wife. The talk turned to kisses and I was nervous, but would "give it up" to him at lunch everyday. Out of nowhere Doug stopped coming home to our circle at recess. There were rumors of other circles in the trees. One day I found him canoodling another pine straw lover. I was devastated. The next day I strolled the playground and found Doug's other pine wives (there were 6 others !!!! None were as cute as me, just thought you should know). We banded against him. He tried to explain himself and even asked if we could all just play together in a really BIG home (uh, really Doug,, N-O! Don't let the pine straw hit ya in the rear!!! Actually,, in retro-spec that was pretty advanced of him). We all took our bark necklaces off, scraped "NO" on the front and threw them at him (the principal should have cut me some slack,, I mean really,,one out of 7 HAD to hit his face sooner or later, my hand just didn't get the memo to let go in time, I blame the lack of video games in my house). Every time I hear of a multiple wife situation, I think of Doug. He was truly a pioneer of infidelity at the tender age of 8..... And my first cheating experience. It's a harsh world.

I wonder what ever happened to Doug?

Dixie Dandee Day!

I went to Winn Dixie yesterday afternoon. Not where "shopping is a pleasure" but instead where "things are getting better everyday" (so far,,, service, cleanliness, produce, selection, music, cart wheels and freezer temperatures are NOT included in Winn Dixie's definition of "THINGS"!!..... Still, it's close to home and I heart food store mediocrity!!).

*****Side note: I did find ONE edible banana today. I am thrilled!!*****

I normally don't buy a lot of sodas but was craving some carbonation and settled on buying a 2-liter of Coke Zero. At the Dixie, all of the diet sodas are on the very top shelf. Fat people are taller than skinny people (bet ya didn't know that huh? WHAT THE HALIBUT!!). So I was reaching with one hand while perched precariously on my good leg (the other braced leg lifted delicately for leverage). I wobbled sexily while poking at the bottom bottle nubs trying to dislodge a soda and fulfill my fantasy for the day (uh,,yes,,stop laughing,,,that WAS my fantasy for the day, simple minds, simple pleasures). The frantic nub poking should have resulted in a Coke Zero suicide bomber dive. The bottle would then land either on my sexy blue painted piggies or on my head (I vote head, it's a lot harder than my toes and is also quite a lot more entertaining for the onlookers, and as you know,, I am a giver). Passerbyers passerbyed offering no help. I swore quietly yet was tirelessly dedicated to my cause. I remained focused and determined to beat the damn stock boy's thwart against the short girl (no doubt they were in the back saying "hey dude,,, like totally,,,"head or toes??" Betting at my expense). Just then a ray of light graced the Dixie. A father son duo came strolling down the aisle. The skies opened up and their smiles glowed with angelic purpose. Dad sent son to help. Son was thrilled to be of service and dad was soooooo charming to slave him out to me. He astutely nub rubbed. Supernaturally, the defiant bottle jumped the safety of the soda corral and the camaraderie of his bottle posse' to be caught lovingly in my open arms (we kissed passionately, it was magic,,,, wait,, no,, me and the BOTTLE perv,,, NOT me and the KID,, geeze!). The music in the background ceased to play and the heavenly supermarket voices declared loudly: Hero, aisle 8!!! Hero aisle 8!!!. The boy, nodding sweetly to my thanks, said raucously "WOW!!!!! I'm like 12!!!!! And I'm like wa-aaaay taller than you!!!" Then he used the always precise "hand to forehead" measuring system and smiled adeptly at his dad. Playfully he added "How old are yooou enywaaays?" Everyone laughed (I really do think security was a bit rough on me, I mean if there was a better time for an atomic wedgie,, I never saw it,, but whatever).

How short am I (you ask sweetly, caring only about my happiness and well being)? Well first let me learn you a thing or two at my humble expense (bowing). Did you know to be considered a dwarf you have to be 4'10" or shorter??? I am 4'11" people!!! One inch shorter and I would be considered disabled and be able to receive government assistance!!! Two inches shorter and I,,,, your sexy invisible superhero, would have to sit in a booster chair for optimum safety!!!

Normally, I don't care that I am considered short, it doesn't hinder me in any way (at home I have a trusty long pair of tongs that helps me everywhere in the house. If the tongs ever show up missing my family would be filthy and starve to death). Being short however DOES go hand in hand with being called "cute". I've been called "cute" my whole life. I'm really OK with that, but I do have a very good "cute" proposal I'd like to share.

Wanna hear it? Of course you do, here I go:

It is simply this: Meg Ryan.... She is the quintessentially "cute" girl in Hollywood. Think "When Harry Met Sally",, I mean COME ON........Ca-UTE!!!!!!!....... BUT,,,,, Meg Ryan can be uber-sexy hot at the same time.

So,, I have decided,, if you're gonna call me cute,, pahleeeease think less about puppies and kittens and more about Meg.. And allow me my fantasy of being "Meg Ryan Cute".



**The preceding blog was a paid advertisement for:

"She has lost her mind, she'll NEVER be Meg Ryan Cute.com". Where we bash the dreams of "cute like a puppy" girls worldwide!!!

and by a grant from:

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Seductress FAQ's

I know that you are pondering an issues. They have been encompassing you since you read my first blog. Eating at you night and day and swallowing your sanity. Making the realization of everyday tasks almost impossible. Well, I want to help, so get up, and get dressed,,,,, for today,,,,,,,,I will answer all of your deafening questions, in a blog I'd like to call:

The deepest secrets of the Seductress that you have been pining to know since you discovered her blog only a few days ago but have been scared to ask because you generally are a nice person and respect people's space and privacy but you feel she is obligated to give you the truth or stop blogging because she chose to put her self in the spotlight in the first place and celebrities are spoiled not that she is a celebrity but if she were she would owe you the answers.(now breathe)

....Catchy huh? Or we could just call it:

I know you REALLY don't care but WHAT THE HALIBUT! (nah)

So you want some answers? Of course you do, here I go:



Why is this chick such a Froot Loop?

I am a Froot Loop because of all the cereals to be compared to a Froot Loop is superior. I mean really, how could I complain? Packed with sweet and crunchy rings, a cool avian mascot, bright "wake the hell up" colors and that awesome sugary milk you suck up with every bowl like a spanking new Bissel. I wouldn't want to be compared to Shredded Wheat or even worse Rice Puffs (who eats that Styrofoam crap anyway?)



What's your deal with Circus Peanuts?

Eating Circus peanuts is like eating sugar infused memory foam. It's spectacular!



Why the flip flop aisle?

Well, flip flops are uber-awesome. They're the cruise line of shoes. They can wisp you away to foreign places or just reveal the right amount of sultry toe cleavage. They are also the only shoe that after you are done wearing, you can break up in small pieces, put them in a Rice Puff box and trick your family members (of course the taste is so similar,,only YOU will know).

Why the phrase "WHAT THE HALIBUT"?

Why not???? WHAT THE HALIBUT is wrong with it?

Are you crapped on everyday?

Yes, thank you for asking.

What kind of man are you looking for?

I am not currently looking for a man. None of the men I know are missing. But if they do show up missing ( I guess they really wouldn't SHOW UP if they were really MISSING,,who the heck came up with that saying?? geeze) I will let you know.

Who is your favorite child, MsDebate, Dramagirl or Hoover?

None of the above. That would be Fergison, my beloved ant.

and the most asked question is:

Where can I find you, say on a Saturday night if I had dozens of roses in the front of my Ferrari F50, get mistaken for Brendon Frasier on a regular basis and actually have a personality worth speaking of?

You can't miss me,,,I'll be the one in the corner shaking and peeing myself in a really cute Chihuahua-ish way.

Well, I hope this helped you figure out the mystery that is: "The Invisible Seductress"!
Submit your questions for the next edition of:

The deepest secrets of the Seductress that you have been pining to know since you discovered her blog only a few days ago but have been scared to ask because you generally are a nice person and respect people's space and privacy but you feel she is obligated to give you the truth or stop blogging because she chose to put her self in the spotlight in the first place and celebrities are spoiled not that she is a celebrity but if she were she would owe you the answers.

Note: Please submit early as I am still going through the bags of previously sent questions by my legions of fans and YOUR question is very important to me.


"The Invisible Seductress" will be away for a short time while she is being psychologically evaluated for her delusions of grandeur and Circus Peanut fetish. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.