Sending many Willy Nilly "pee spot in the pool" warm greetings to you!

I miss you all.

I know that is a bit vague, but writing here is important to me. Nobody else EVER listens to me.

No, no, don't cry for me Argentina!

But.....

I will have to shut the Droid down, and that means no Blogger posting, Facebooking, emails or anything else even remotely socially networkinish! I do hope to get back online someday soon but it will be tough until then.

I really doubt that anyone will actually listen in real life whilst I share about my love of Jello and David Beckham's abs, and licking jello off of David Beckham's abs while simultaneously knitting toe socks for the Elephants of the Zimboboaweaou villages, which is pretty ridiculous because, well, elephants really don't have toes, do they? Or be captivated while I share how that instead of Elephant toe sock knitting I start to Crochet scarves for the Giraffes of the Zimboboaweaou Villages because I really do want to be relevant in my angelic endeavors,, but I find crocheting scarves for Giraffes is very tedious work and I only get one row done before I decide to instead make pot holders for the neighboring Zim Zim Village Mice and this is VERY lucrative work because I can lick ALL the Jello off the first row of David Beckham's abs AND make 10,o52 pot holders for the mice of Zim Zim Village!!

So basically,, I am a HERO to everyone EXCEPT the Zimboboaweaou Elephants who have now barged in to inform me that their "toeish" like things are indeed very cold and striped knitted toe sock(s) really would improve their quality of life. Also, I find out tthat the normally accepting Zimbobweaou Giraffes are a little miffed and rioting because I didn't even offer to refer them to a more qualified Giraffe neck scarf crocheting service and consequently, this is also affecting THEIR quality of life!!

But the Zim Zim Mice kinda sort of still like me even though they don't own pots,, at least THEY can see the beauty in the thought of my gift!

Are you lost? No?? You mean you ACTUALLY understand this smattering of a story and wish to hear more?

That is PRECISELY why I miss you so!!

You respect my usage of a run-on sentence, afterall, they ARE the WD-40 of written word. You also understand that run-on sentences, in spoken word, don't hold any gravity and respect my gift of sharing them all willy nilly and wild like..

So now, if you are still reading this, I offer you a warm thank you, and not like a "swimming through a pee spot in the pool" warm either,, this is a tightly squeezed sweetened with Splenda Thank you for all the comments, and all the support and laughs you have given me warm...

And although I really do wish I could offer you more than just a simple albeit warm "thank you" for all the lub,,,,, my hands are stiff from the crocheting and knitting and grand parades in my honor,,, (oh, and also I am a little vroom, vroom over all of the Jello ab licking talk as well,,) *cough*

But seriously......Thank you!!!!!

Drops of Jupiter

This is a repost, but it is one of my favorite posts and always seems relevant. i donst get to do the elaborate picturing anymore and posting is difficult even more so coming up as I will be downgrading my phone and unable to blog from it. I hope that all who read this (possibly again) will smile and enjoy the ride.

You are looking straight up to nothing but blue sky. A chain crank, gears catch in a rhythmic song of anticipation.

First quickly,,, click,click,click,click......

.......Then it slows down, click.......click......cl--ick.....

Each jerk of the gears catching, jars your body back. Your view is still the same, blue skies and now,, gallons of clouds seem to be so close you can swirl them onto a long paper Cotton Candy cone.

You turn into a child again and wonder:

How would clouds be flavored?????

What does something so pure and white taste of?????

But your thoughts deviate as the clicking has stopped and you are at the very tip top of the incline. You are posed for descent, looking down at the car formed in red around you, lightening stripes decorating the sides, your only security from the drop off ahead.

Moments linger as your breath races to catch up with your heart and wind blows your hair in your mouth.

If you are lucky, a hand from the seat next to you reaches out to you and embraces each finger with love.

If you are alone, the strength you gather within yourself is even more of a gift.


Is it too late to question the safety of this roller coaster?

Yes.

You look at the tracks and plot your trip down them apprehensively,, but they seem to disappear beneath your gaze.

Do you have faith that they are still there, even if they are out of your circumspect vision?

Yes.

Will you raise your hands and try to lift yourself off the security of the seat, accentuating the adventure of inertia even more and.......

LETTING GO AT THE DROP OFF??????

Or will you close your eyes and hug the harness, screaming at every motion, angle and change of orientation......

TOO SCARED TO LET IT REALLY EFFECT YOU???????

In life we have no option but to ride the track we are on at the time. We may be able to bend and curve the track at times, but to do that.....

......we have to let go of the safety harness and trust ourselves!

What would life be like if we never had a reason to raise our hands high in the air and experience whatever lies in front of us, for what it really is,,,,,,,

Another Adventure

Outcomes will vary but the ride should always be experienced freely, without the reservations of doubt welling up as a result of the last ride you took.

Each ride can be different even if the tracks look the same at first glance.

If you change the way you look at things,,,,,,

,,,,,,the things you look at change

What moments are engraved in your memory banks?

The first time someone held your hand-- Getting an A+ on a test you studied for all night--Your first crush actually KNOWING you are alive--That first kiss--Your first roller coaster ride--The taste of the summers first honeysuckle flower--Fireworks watched from the hood of a broke down Chevy truck--The first time you hit the gas and went 90MPH--The moment you realized you were making love to the right one--Watching your newborn scream, through tears of happiness--Puppy kisses--Letting go-or-Holding on-or-just knowing when--Finally climbing that mountain--Running away with him--Coming back without him--Loving your beautiful smile--Smiling in beautiful love--

Tasting your first Cotton Candy Cloud

Whatever track you are on.....

...there will be "wooden roller coaster" shake your existence moments.....

But the wonderful "metal track" loop-de-loops and twisty twirls will always be awaiting you for the next ride......

Don't be afraid to buy the tickets and stand in line for the next surprising, wonderful, exhilarating, redeeming, freeing, chilling, miraculous and

ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS

Roller Coaster Ride Of Life

.....And please take me with you...I am a Roller Coaster Junkie!!

Please enjoy "Drops of Jupiter" by Train:

Perhaps you have some advice...

Oh parenting...the drama...the tears...the bodily fluid clean-up..

Does it ever get easier?

Seductressville is an interesting place to live.. It's where all the neighbors knit rainbow toe socks for Troll dolls and sweet little cozies for our 3lb green gummy bears (all the other colors are on their own),, and we lay on thermapudic Circus Peanut mattresses releasing the sweet smell of what dreams are made of whilst we tell tales of Unicorns delicately painting each individual rainbow and naming flowers and Ninja warriors after us.

Sadly, not even this perfect scenario will make their transition from childhood seamless.

These kids lighten my world but also cause an incalculable level of worry and distress, every day.

So, as I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and chanting about cookies and milk (by cookies I mean xanex and by milk, I mean Pink Cosmo's), I hope you understand.

Yet, through all the struggle, I know the days are quickly passing me by and it saddens me.

The freckles painted perfectly on little noses and cheeks are fading--Soon the days of stepping on defiant plastic Superheros with every shower will be gone--Or finding that my razor was used to sneak and shave the babyfine hair on little tanned legs by sweet tiny unprofessionally painted neon colored clad fingernailed hands--the days of candy wrappers hidden in drawers, gone-- Strangely-miniature but still over exaggerated brazierish undergarments won't hide in the back of my dryer--Yes, even the underwear will have a makeover, no more colrful days of the week or fruit, cup cakes and ice cream cones, or even Spongebob will be printed on them as bribery to remember to change them EVERY day--They will soon pretend they are too "mature" to want that free lollipop at the bank, but the fact that they are named "dum-dum pops" will still lead to an hour of hilarity--"Nonsters" won't hide under beds, allowing me to multi-task by spraying an unmarked bottle of Febreeze as "de-monster" protectant on the bed--Nobody's feet will dangle from a shopping cart awaiting a cookie from the bakery (sadly, people will ALWAYS look at me strangely as I dangle my feet from the cart while I savor Publix's sugar cookies). I'll miss popsicle smiles and pictures on the refrigerator of stick figures that still look surprisingly just like our family, even with the lack of fingers and joints.

We won't always be their hero. They probably won't even like me for a large periond of time coming up real soon. I won't be able to control the way other people see them or even more importantly, how they see themselves. I can only hope that they realize that only they can control their self worth. This is a hard lesson that I can not even attest to have learned 100%, few can. But it's one that is invaluable. I had a friend tell me that she is the most "her" that she has ever been before. That translates into happines however you slice it. What a revelation for us to teach to our children. How do you do this with your kids?

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Uh, does my T-shirt REALLY have "DORK" written on it???

-I have'nt been sleeping very well lately, things are swirling in my head like a rogue slushee machine. This causes brain freeze of a different calibur. Movies of your life play relentlessly without giving you popcorn confetti breaks or moments of Twizzler slappin' fun!

WHAT???

You have never experienced a Twizzler slapping fun time before? Well, well, well my innocent Twizzler slappin' virgin you- I am befuddled at your lack of candy abuse experience! I vow to take your Twizzler slapping virginity and leave you begging for 54 sour straw lashes in my wake...

*cough*

(Yes, I do realize I have issues, that is precisely why you like me!! Right?)

Any way I suppose I should get to the point of this post which is to expose myself to a little humiliation "Seductress style"

It was roughly 2:30 Am when my head finally concreted the fact that I was to be without slumber this night. I accepted my fate humbly and started to instantly crave sex and/or Jello through a straw. I obviously opted for Jello through a straw because the allure of that scandalous act makes me weak in the knees and trembling with passion. I then had the brilliant idea that the mail should be checked NOW!

This place, for some reason unbeknownst to me, has a gravel covering on the porch and sidewalk.

And even though I know that this gravel sidewalk acts like tiny razor blades impaling my super sweet and sexy feets, I still choose to traverse it, barefoot,,, because that's how I roll, yo.

The walk in that level of pain resembles slapstick comedy at it's best. My hobbling rush to get to the grassy patch in front of the gravel sidewalk that is infested with sticker bush weeds then ensues.

I realize that it might sound silly, trading one level of pain for another, but it still doesn't sound sillier that the fact that there are flip-flops right by the door and I am too lazy/stupid to take the time to don them and avoid this whole pain waltz in the first place.

I finally do get to the driveway and amble down torwards the mailbox, which along with mail, also happens to inhabit a larger than normal spidey and its, stickier than normal web. I have learned to reach in and ever so quickly and stealthily pull the mail out, avoiding both web and webmaker 96% of the time.

This would be the .04% that I dreaded.

As I did the OMG there is a @$%$##@! spider on my ^&%$#@ hand dance,,,,,,, police spotlights catch me in the act.

Oh,,,,, did I forget that they were patrolling more these days and "normal" people are not usually break dancing in front of their mailboxes at 2Am in the morning???

Yes, yes I did!

He edged forward.

I reach down to pull my t-shirt down a bit because I find that I am a little shy in police spotlights........*shrugs* Who knew??

The walk up the driveway and the accompanying dance of pain through the sticker weeds and "shards of glass" gravel sidewalk could only be more animated now that I added the pull the t-shirt down ritual.

His beams were getting closer.....

I too was getting closer to the safety of my door and my hopefully anonymous escape that it offered.

But then,,,,

,,,,,this wouldn't really be MY story if that happened now would it?????

.....to be painfully continued.....

There are absolutes in my life.

I always wear sparkles-I love green olives AND green jello-I am obsessed with Circus Peanuts and David Beckham's abs- I want to go into a little house and do very un-prairieish things to Charles Ingals whilst Mr. Edwards enthusiastically sings: "Old Man Tucker" and plays spoons on his knees right outside the window-If I am at someone's house or business and they have ambient light, I secretly blow out the candles to smell the phospherous wisp of air and then act aloof when someone notices all the candles have been estinguished-I will trip on air but never seem to fall like the dude in the warning signs always does- I believe the risk of salmonella poisioning is minimal compared to the joy of eating raw cookie dough-I still love Santa Claus, thumb war and Vodka, but not always in that order-

Just another day in the life.....

My brain is tapped out for comedy or even a smidgen of intellectual banter of the written persuasion.

This is an example of what my mornings look like:

Middle kid has been sick all night,, middle kid is the Drama Queen of the universe,, Mom wishes ANYONE else but the Drama Queen of the universe would be sick,, ANYONE!!!! (I say again for dramatic purposes) Mom gets no sleep,, oldest spawn gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn is mean when she gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn screams and refuses to wake up,, youngest child awakens and acts like a happy Disney character,, happy Disney characters are very freaking irritating early in the morning,, Mom feels like a Disney villain ,, there is much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms from middle child,, Mom is trying very hard to be sympathetic and engaging while much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms ensues from middle child,, Mom goes on an imaginary strike,, imaginary strike does not last long,, the children want,, what do they want??

What could they POSSIBLY want, you ask sweetly:

Everything,,

Mom has nothing to give but love,, they want more than love,, Mom deduces children must have completed advanced underground training courses in aggravation,, Mom concludes children received A+'s in the advanced underground training courses in aggravation and are now just showing off their skills,, main toilet overflows BEFORE 6AM,, Mom does not feel pretty when toilets overflow,, it makes her sparkles dull,, Mom cleans over-flowed toilet bathroom while cursing under her breath and NOT feeling pretty,, there is still much middle child gakking,, there is much ado about said middle child gakking,, middle child's symptoms advance quickly,, middle child starts getting sick from both ends now,, Mom discovers middle child getting sick from both ends moments too late,, Mom cleans up mess from middle child getting sick from both ends which she discovered moments too late and again does not feel pretty,, Mom tries hard to feel pretty,, she fains a smile,, Mom still does not feel pretty,, did mom EVEN put on sparkles today??? Mom determines that it really is too early to go back to bed and thinks about resorting to copious amounts of alcohol and wishing Xanex grew on the tree in the front yard so she could partake in it heavily..

Mom determines it is too early for Xanex and copious amounts of alcohol,, but realizes that had it been 15 minutes later,, this may have been acceptable behavior to everyone EXCEPT Dr. Phil,, Mom realizes that even Dr. Drew would have partaken in this blatant attempt to cope.. He would suggest rehab start tomorrow and offer me a hit on the downlow.. I love chocolate so I would accept..

*The following is an Invisible Seductress PSA*

Just say "NO" to drugs.... But "HELL'S YES" to chocolate!!

Mom would leave town,, but deduces that the children know her name and would inevitably follow her screaming it,, making the scene look somewhat sketchy,, Mom makes plans to change her name and NOT let her children know what her new name is..

Mom realizes the only way out of this bad day that has just started is to face it head on with humor,, Mom starts telling bad jokes and feels a little bit better,, youngest child drops too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug,, Mom cries a little and looks to the sky and screams:

"REALLY ???"

Mom glances at her children,, one is crying because he dropped his too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug even though he will eat breakfast at the sitters and this was sort of a "snack" anyway,, son STILL doesn't understand mom's "snack" philosophy.. One girl is crying because she is sick from both ends even though she is not cleaning it up and has a cool cloth on her head and a sweet mommy rubbing her back,, one kid is cross armed and all attitude because her little sister kept her up all night,, Mom sucks it up and apologizes for the bad morning,, Mom proclaims her love for children, promises that the day will get better and hugs each child individually (although sick middle child gets a half hug pat thingy because she still looks green)..

Kids say:

"I love you Mom!"

This is said almost in perfect unison,, Mom now feels BEAUTIFUL!!!

Her sparkles begin to shine once more,,

...until the car stalls repeatedly before even leaving the neighborhood and youngest child,, who sits in back of mom powerpukes and mom swears the puke was perfectly aimed to fly into the square hole in the back of her head rest.....

"REALLY???"

And then he starts to sing because now he feels better,, guess what is more annoying than a happy Disney character first thing in the morning?? A happy Disney character IMMEDIATELY after powerpuking through the square hole in the back of your mother's head rest...

The End.

Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy:

Snuggledog's story: Pee'd on and Tee'd off!

Snuggledog lives a charmed life. In the arms of his boy, he is
warm, safe and always in the lap of luxury. At night, he has a pillow and his own special spot tucked in bed, under the blanket, cradled in Traxx's arms.

He is the head of the stuffed animal mafia and calls all the shots in the toy box. He has watched Toy Stories 1,2 AND 3 and is very aware of the importance of his position in a childs life.

A restful nights sleep depends on him. The other "lesser" stuffed animals need him to delagate out time away from the toy box to be engaged in play with Traxx. He has made sacrifices to gain the position of "top dog" in my son's life.

This is just one such story of Snuggledog's sacrifice and the power and magic of a boy's love.

The following story is written by Snuggledog as translated by me. Apparently Snuggledog has a southern girl's accent, not sure why and it is a bit disturbing but you should read the story in that way to best enjoy it.

It was a hot summer evening in the heart of the south, cicada bugs sit screaming on prickly branches as the sun sings it's swan song. Mamma had worked all day in the fields courting gentlemen with her curtsy and bows, whilst my boy had labored tirelessly at being a Stealth Bomber of energy and light. Oh, he is a sight to behold, I declare, a cold glass of lemon infused sweet tea if I might say! (see, weirdly southern right?)

My boy had drifted off to sleep on the long car ride home as I whispered of snails and puppy dog tails in his ear. Mamma lifted him out of his carseat and pointed us in the direction of the door, lovingly reminding him to use the restroom before laying down for the night.

He took me; Snuggledog, his faithful friend, into the loo room.

Still groggy from all of the day's tasks, he began to relieve himself with spotty aim in the porcelin pot.

Mamma asked him to mind this infraction. Her normally soothing and sultry voice must have startled the child as he lost his hold upon me and I fell into the toilet bowl to be pee'd upon.

My boy couldn't help it, he had tried to stop, but he could'nt stop the flow of urine from molesting me.

I declare, I swallowed all the fresh air I could whilst doggie paddling for my furry life as my boy screamed at the horrific discovery.

Mamma assured him I would be fine and went to get a bag to aid in my travel to the washing machine so I wouldn't drip the toilets toxic water on her sparkling floor.

Oh how my boy screamed for my safety as Mamma put me in that plastic grocery bag:

"He will cufficate in that bag mom!! He'll cufficate!!"

Mamma gently pulled my head out so I could breathe and as I took those deep breaths, Mamma allowed Traxx to kiss the tip of my right ear (as it was the only untarnished patch of fur), before she was brought to the task of depositing my newly soiled body into the darkness of the washing machine.

The boy realized that he was to be facing the night without my charms and again voiceforously presented his saddness to Mamma:

"Snuggledog is the ONLY friend I sleep with!! He is my favoriteist aminal!! I CAN'T sleep without Snuggledog!!"

His tears flowed freely as I began to gargle loudly in the soapy water, thus signalling for Mamma to lift the lid to the washer and heed my sweet voice.

"Let the boy sleep with Grandpa Bear tonight" I told her.

"Grandpa Bear will protect and keep him warm!" I continued, in my quest to comfort him.

Mamma told the boy of my valiant biddings.

The boy shrugged off the idea of Grandpa Bear's love at first out of his devotion for me, but Mamma wisely spoke to him once again:

"It's the way Snuggledog wants it, we have to be strong FOR HIM!!"

Mamma is so brave and astute! She is also a fine and wonderful virtuoso translator of stuffed animal linguistical matters.

Yes, I suffered a little collateral damage in the washer and squealed in the dryer at the abuse, and I still do have signs of the torture around my right eye, but the lesson of love is a battle of a sparkling heart and mine shined that day!

When I was reunited with my boy, he asked Mamma if she would have had to throw me away if there had been poop in the loo and I got it on me.

Mamma jokingly, but also a tad cold heartedly replied:

"Yes" upsetting my boy.

He questioned her answer once again:

"If I got poop on ME, would you throw ME away??"

"Yes" Mamma joked once more.

"But I'm YOUR KID!!" he stated strongly.

"Yes, and I will ALWAYS love you.....AND Snuggledog!!!"

And we all laughed and laughed.