40 years of wisdom and intelligence UNLEASHED on you!! BAM-O

Well, I celebrated my 4Th decade of being "The Translucent Persuader" here on this wonderful planet we call Earth. I had hoped that I had learned some very important lessons in my many years and could offer you a sage cornucopia of "limited edition" follower only information. It would be a virtual "plethora platter" of wisdom nuggets and chunks of meaty direction, but, meh , what freaking fun would THAT be? *shrugs*

Instead, I offer you the following thoughts you will NEVER need:

1. There is an alternate universe filled with our missing socks and one legged doppelgangers.

2. At this point, I believe that I will never have my face inscribed on a box of Wheaties.

3. I believe that children are our future,,, and that we are doomed.

4. From now on, everywhere I go, I am going to start pointing up to the ceiling as if I have a packed to the rafters audience. I will thank them and bow, as I am sure my performance was stellar.

5. Firemen and EMT's are always hot, but they don't like hearing that after you throw up on them.

6. The definition of the word "Nog" is: A block of wood inserted into masonry or brickwork so that something can be nailed to it. What rocket scientist was in charge of naming our festive holiday drinks THAT year???

7. Milli Vanili was framed.

8. Remember leg-warmers? I miss those.

9. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Scientists have also noticed this commonality with all creatures that carry the "Y" chromosome.

10. When I was a kid I thought the following statement was hilarious: I thought it was a booger, but its snot... Yep, still do.

11. Someone once told me that a study showed that married men change their underwear twice as often as single men do. Does your wife scare the crap out of you?

12. Horton the Elephant should be our next president, he meant what he said and he said what he meant... And that elephant is faithful 100 percent!!

13. Seriously cat owners, can't you just admit that they rule your life and are plotting the demise of the human race? You know you're just trying to get an in with them now before it is too late.

14. All porcupines float. Did you know that?

15. I am developing a serious hoarding problem. I hoard attractive men. It's easier to get out of legal problems with a mental illness: Your Honor, my client DID not kidnap these 150 attractive men, she has been diagnosed as a hoarder, but, she HAS agreed to sign over some of the men to the State so that they are more manageable and shed less, thus also solving her plumbing problem.

16. Beer, it's not just for dinner anymore, there are many refreshing blends of hops and spices that make it perfect for all day long consumption!

17. You won't hear: "Hey, I want to be a crazy cat-lady when I grow up" very often. But you'll NEVER hear: "Man, I want to bang that crazy cat lady!!!!!.....EVER....

18. If you ever decide to live today like it was the last day of your life, tomorrow would be hell after all the crazy-ass shit you pulled today!

19. If a Zhu-Zhu pet gets stuck in your hair, your only option is to bludgeon it.

20. How many times do you text "LOL" without really laughing out loud? Doesn't this make you feel the least bit guilty? I've never seen anyone actually drop and roll on the floor with laughter while texting either, what are we teaching our children? And don't tell me,,,, you do still have your ass don't you??!! Liar.

21. Why is it automatically assumed that I am a burglar when I wear pantyhose over my face?

22. This morning my middle child was very upset at General Mills. Apparently the new box of Lucky Charms I bought yesterday had a serious defect, it had no magically delicious marshmallows. The oldest calmly explained this manufacturing error to her younger sister right as she was pouring the first bowl from the "new" box. I deduce the middle child is really not that bright and call the school board to arrange a short bus pick up.

23. I think everyone should get a hamster and name it "Peeve". Because then we would all have something in common, our own little pet peeves!!

24. I am sorry but, you are not automatically deemed gangsta' by wearing a hoodie.

25. I have never had a "happy period"! Even if I had one at the Happiest Place on Earth, it would STILL suck! Who the hell wrote that slogan?

26. Spam is an underutilized source of protein.

27. "Pipe pics" are never REALLY appreciated in the way you fantasize them to be.

28. While out of town, you text or call your woman and ask her in your sexiest voice what she is wearing and she purrs and whispers: "My lacy black boy shorts and see through robe"! You need to understand, it is more likely that she is wearing a snuggie (now in designer shades and trend-setting patterns).

29. And now a motivational word from a Ninja:
(I knew that wasn't gonna work...Mime's, Ninja's and Cholesterol are all Silent Killers)

30. The drinking game: Rock, Paper, Scissors......VODKA SHOT.....should alone never be playded aloney.

31. Madame Toussaud finally sent me my wax double. It's fabulous! I can't wait till the next time I have drunken sex! While he is passed out, I will lay my wax double next to him, touch him inappropriately and hide. At some point, before he realizes he's been punk'd, I will start mumbling "I'm melting, I'm melt-t-t-ing!!".

32. The statement: "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!", should never be used at a field sobriety check point.

33. I think maybe this year I am on The Grinch's side, and I have also decided that I am a huge fan of Scrooge (before the mustard induced, enlightened ghost hallucinations, of course).

34. Even with mud on my nose, I don't get invited to play many reindeer games, do you?

35. In high school I had a very handsome stoner friend. One day a group of us were sitting in the bed of his truck drinking and some were smoking weed. He dropped a match on himself and caught his clothes on fire. Being stoned and drunk, we all just stared at the flame. He finally said "Dudes, I'm on fire dudes!". We all laughed and laughed before realizing we might want to put him out. Dudes, those were good times.

36. I don't really think your tractor is sexy. I just said that so you would offer to mow my grass.

37. Crayola should create a color called: Cheeto dust orange.

38. Never eat fruitcake unless a hippie-drunk made it for you.

39. If I marry a Mime can I put him in a glass box anytime I want? That would be a cool perk!

40. This concludes my 40 wanna be meaty chunks of direction and virtual plethora platter of wisdom nuggets post.

You can leave now, my work here is done.

Don't make me get my Ninja.

Mrs. Claus isn't as sweet as you may think...

Click here for the latest update

How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

Love to you and yours on this special holiday!!

New reality show!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling to figure out what the heck I am going to do for living arrangements. I don't have very much time left here and I am a bit worried. I have begun a journal of ideas that would hopefully help me through the first stages of hobo life. I assume those first few months are the hardest, getting used to a new routine and all. I had thought of applying for every reality show possible that offers a place to stay for 8 weeks. But the thought of living in a house with Flava Flav brings me to tears and if the doucheypants Bachelor didn't give me a rose, I may have to spike his celebratory toast after elimination, and then I would end up in jail wearing an orange jumpsuit. FYI: Orange jumpsuits don't look good on anyone, even a Seductress such as myself!

I decided to make my own reality series, I call it:

Last Hobo Standing

There is no doubt in my mind that Mark Burnett will be knocking at my cardboard flap door with Jeff Probst in tow to talk about a contract. There would be a lot of events to test the fortitude of every contestant. We would have immunity challenges such as:

Shopping Cart/Roadkill Bar-B-Q: Contestants must steal a metal shopping cart, build a fire and cook animals found within a mile radius of their "home" underpass on the shopping cart grate. If the judges can not accurately determine what species is being served, and it tastes like chicken, that contestant wins! If maggots are presented with the meal and are not cooked through, the contestant will be immediately eliminated.

The Underpass Roll: In this battle, the contestants will lay vertically under the top of a concrete bridge underpass. The contestants will over time succumb to slumber as this is an endurance challenge. One by one the contestants will fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill, playing "Frogger" with oncoming traffic. The last contestant at the top wins immunity.

Hollywood Hobo: Each hobo will be taken to a gas station bathroom in which to perform a glamorous make-over on themselves. They are expected to bathe, apply make-up and style their hair. They will be given trial sized containers of shampoo and conditioner as well as a bar of soap and a "hobo specific" colored cosmetic palette (camo greens and browns). Each hobo will also be allotted 10 minutes with the air hand dryer to style and dry their hair. A guest judge from the gas station, a trucker named Bubba, will decide who has had the most dramatic change. Not only will the hobo that wins the challenge get immunity, they will also spend the night in the lap of luxury (Bubba's truck cabin).

No Pee Is Good Pee: This is a challenge to test the social game of our players. Each hobo will decide who in the game they would like to eliminate based on their own personal experiences with that individual hobo. The hobo's will then decide who's cardboard box they would like to pee on. The hobo's home with the least urine penetrated walls, wins immunity.

Hamburger Round-up: Hobo's will vie for attention in front of the fast food restaurant of their choice asking for hamburgers. The hobo with the most hamburgers wins.

Extreme Box Make-over: The hobo's will be given free run at a U-haul store where they can take as many cardboard boxes and miscellaneous moving supplies as they can carry. They will then have 24 hours to pimp their box! The hobo with the best diggs wins immunity.

Trash Can Fire: Each hobo will be given a trash can and 30 minutes to collect burning material and start a fire. The hobo with the trash can fire that the most downtown hobo's gravitate to and drink copious amounts of alcohol by, will win this challenge.

At hobo immunity, each hobo has his own trash can fire burning behind him or her. Trash can fires represent life on Last Hobo Standing. When they are voted off, Jeff Probst will dramatically extinguish their fire and say:

The Underpass Hobo's have spoken!

The eliminated hobo will be given a home because it is obvious that they are not able to survive as an actual hobo. The winner gets nothing but the title of :

"Sole Hobo Survivor"

and the bragging rights of being:

The Last Hobo Standing!!!!

Coming winter of 2010!!

Check your local programming guide for channel and times.

Snow Globe

(repost from June 2010)

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, but your grass is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. Outside life be damned,,, I can't see you anymore. I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world.

You all look in and wonder: "What's the glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather, he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving, on gifts received and help that's given. And soon enough,, you're whole again,,, in this bright world we're blessed to live in.

Do you? Can you? Would you?

Can you hear a baby laughing hysterically and not laugh along? I can't.

When YMCA is played, do you have the urge to do all the arm movements no matter where you are? I do.

Can you make thermapudic mattress pad angels any time you want? I can.

Do you dance and sing while holding a fake microphone and driving? I do.

Do you count the stars at night and smile when you lose track and have to start again? I do.

Do you have certain bugs immune to your "kill it" policy like Roly poly's and Grand Daddy long legs. I do.

Would you rather hug someone instead of saying "I told you so!"? I would.

Do you think being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do? I do.

Do you think feeling the sun on your shoulders and nose is like a hug from above? I do.

Do you twist your Oreo's, scrape the center and then put them back together before dipping them in cold milk?

WHAT?????!!!! You DON'T???? What the heck is WRONG with you?

My snow globe world.....

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, your world is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. The outside life be damned, I can't see you anymore, I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world. You all look in and wonder: "What's that glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving,, on gifts received,, and help that's given. And soon enough I'm whole again,, in this bright world,, we're blessed to live in.