New reality show!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling to figure out what the heck I am going to do for living arrangements. I don't have very much time left here and I am a bit worried. I have begun a journal of ideas that would hopefully help me through the first stages of hobo life. I assume those first few months are the hardest, getting used to a new routine and all. I had thought of applying for every reality show possible that offers a place to stay for 8 weeks. But the thought of living in a house with Flava Flav brings me to tears and if the doucheypants Bachelor didn't give me a rose, I may have to spike his celebratory toast after elimination, and then I would end up in jail wearing an orange jumpsuit. FYI: Orange jumpsuits don't look good on anyone, even a Seductress such as myself!

I decided to make my own reality series, I call it:

Last Hobo Standing

There is no doubt in my mind that Mark Burnett will be knocking at my cardboard flap door with Jeff Probst in tow to talk about a contract. There would be a lot of events to test the fortitude of every contestant. We would have immunity challenges such as:

Shopping Cart/Roadkill Bar-B-Q: Contestants must steal a metal shopping cart, build a fire and cook animals found within a mile radius of their "home" underpass on the shopping cart grate. If the judges can not accurately determine what species is being served, and it tastes like chicken, that contestant wins! If maggots are presented with the meal and are not cooked through, the contestant will be immediately eliminated.

The Underpass Roll: In this battle, the contestants will lay vertically under the top of a concrete bridge underpass. The contestants will over time succumb to slumber as this is an endurance challenge. One by one the contestants will fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill, playing "Frogger" with oncoming traffic. The last contestant at the top wins immunity.

Hollywood Hobo: Each hobo will be taken to a gas station bathroom in which to perform a glamorous make-over on themselves. They are expected to bathe, apply make-up and style their hair. They will be given trial sized containers of shampoo and conditioner as well as a bar of soap and a "hobo specific" colored cosmetic palette (camo greens and browns). Each hobo will also be allotted 10 minutes with the air hand dryer to style and dry their hair. A guest judge from the gas station, a trucker named Bubba, will decide who has had the most dramatic change. Not only will the hobo that wins the challenge get immunity, they will also spend the night in the lap of luxury (Bubba's truck cabin).

No Pee Is Good Pee: This is a challenge to test the social game of our players. Each hobo will decide who in the game they would like to eliminate based on their own personal experiences with that individual hobo. The hobo's will then decide who's cardboard box they would like to pee on. The hobo's home with the least urine penetrated walls, wins immunity.

Hamburger Round-up: Hobo's will vie for attention in front of the fast food restaurant of their choice asking for hamburgers. The hobo with the most hamburgers wins.

Extreme Box Make-over: The hobo's will be given free run at a U-haul store where they can take as many cardboard boxes and miscellaneous moving supplies as they can carry. They will then have 24 hours to pimp their box! The hobo with the best diggs wins immunity.

Trash Can Fire: Each hobo will be given a trash can and 30 minutes to collect burning material and start a fire. The hobo with the trash can fire that the most downtown hobo's gravitate to and drink copious amounts of alcohol by, will win this challenge.

At hobo immunity, each hobo has his own trash can fire burning behind him or her. Trash can fires represent life on Last Hobo Standing. When they are voted off, Jeff Probst will dramatically extinguish their fire and say:

The Underpass Hobo's have spoken!

The eliminated hobo will be given a home because it is obvious that they are not able to survive as an actual hobo. The winner gets nothing but the title of :

"Sole Hobo Survivor"

and the bragging rights of being:

The Last Hobo Standing!!!!

Coming winter of 2010!!

Check your local programming guide for channel and times.

Snow Globe

(repost from June 2010)

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, but your grass is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. Outside life be damned,,, I can't see you anymore. I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world.

You all look in and wonder: "What's the glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather, he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving, on gifts received and help that's given. And soon enough,, you're whole again,,, in this bright world we're blessed to live in.

Do you? Can you? Would you?

Can you hear a baby laughing hysterically and not laugh along? I can't.

When YMCA is played, do you have the urge to do all the arm movements no matter where you are? I do.

Can you make thermapudic mattress pad angels any time you want? I can.

Do you dance and sing while holding a fake microphone and driving? I do.

Do you count the stars at night and smile when you lose track and have to start again? I do.

Do you have certain bugs immune to your "kill it" policy like Roly poly's and Grand Daddy long legs. I do.

Would you rather hug someone instead of saying "I told you so!"? I would.

Do you think being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do? I do.

Do you think feeling the sun on your shoulders and nose is like a hug from above? I do.

Do you twist your Oreo's, scrape the center and then put them back together before dipping them in cold milk?

WHAT?????!!!! You DON'T???? What the heck is WRONG with you?

My snow globe world.....

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, your world is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. The outside life be damned, I can't see you anymore, I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world. You all look in and wonder: "What's that glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving,, on gifts received,, and help that's given. And soon enough I'm whole again,, in this bright world,, we're blessed to live in.

Chicken Salad Orgasm

I just watched the fake public orgasm scene that Meg Ryan did whilst eating a sandwich in the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I deduced that this scene needs to be recreated in this century. I would like to recruit all my women followers to reenact this scene with a Biscotti and heavily foamed latte tomorrow at their local Starbucks.

Furthermore my men followers should also recreate their version of this scene at their local Best Buy. This should be done in the plasma screen TV section, in front of the camera that shoots the images of passerbyers to all the display model TV screens in the store.

Everyone that participates should then immediately throw their hands up and shrug at the people that are now gathering around to stare at them and say:

The Invisible Seductress made me do it!!

This has been decreed and so may it be done.

** Please record your participation in the comment section below**

And then fart gun came out...

This is a little post about nothing. This is a little post about a lot... of nothing.. I suppose there is a possibility that you may not want to read about nothing,, but this is me... My nothings are ALWAYS something.

So that's when I was sitting on the couch and the ammo creeped up on me. I wouldn't normally pull out the fart gun as I have my laminated: "Girls don't fart, they ripple the air with their greatness" premier membership card, but this was prime ammo and the moment called for a fart interlude. Nature decided I should serve it up "machine gun style" to my innocent son. So at the right moment I asked the question I always dreaded to hear from my dad:

Well, you know what I think about that?

My dad was not only a member of the NFRA (National Fart Rifle Association), he was the owner! And "Well you know what I think about THAT?" was worse than "pull my finger" because I really did care what my dad thought about things, and always was lured into the thought that he was about to impart an important life lesson on me. I would always scooch up and position my head to listen intently to his sermon from the ass. I was often greeted with these sermons in the middle of a girly drama situation, to this day I feel if I am having a serious talk with someone, they will fart on me. But his farts cleared a room and mine smell like the scraped petals of 1,000 roses, so I think my kids have an advantage here because I deodorize as I cleanse the air from my system.

So I asked the question and got the response "What mamma?" from an eager, listening, innocent, spawn boy child.

I pointed and pulled the trigger and released my rose scented air while laughing jovially at my own redneckedness. I can tell you this: In all my efforts to write stand-up comedy routines and short funny stories, if I never get another laugh like the one my son blessed me with today, I would have heard the best of the best and I know I can retire my funny. It was one of those baby belly laughs that should be bottled and sold. He had me laughing so hard at him, laughing so hard at me, more ammo got inadvertently released into the air, which caused even more laughter.

The room smells great and me and my son bonded over a fart-gun attack today. I encourage you to bond with someone today, and don't blame the dog this time!!

Also just so you did not waste your time reading this post, I would like to offer you an alternative gift option for the person in your life who has everything.

Hot Fudge

Adopt an Alpaca!! You'll get useless monthly newsletter updates on what your Alpaca is doing and help feed less fortunate Alpaca's. You will also receive portions of the Alpaca's shearing for your own usage (because we all know what you can do with dryer and belly button lint, imagine what you could achieve with this!!)!!

So if you can't run down to Alpaca's-R-Us to purchase your own Alpaca like "Hot Fudge" (free delivery through December 24th!!), you can still send the gift of a useless monthly newsletter to someone you love. Yay YOU!!!!

...and today... Hot Fudge did the same thing Hot Fudge does EVERYDAY.. Eat and produce his own Hot Fudge topping for the grasses of our lovely alpaca farm!!

You know you want one!!

Highly Anticipated Interview...Not even Oprah could book them!! Only here on the TIS Blog!!

Welcome everybody to a special edition of:

Behind The Happiest Place On Earth

"Pluto's Pain"

Pluto was created in 1930 and first showed up in the movie "The Chain Gang" as a bloodhound with no name starring adjacent to Mickey Mouse. The lovable dog then showed up in a movie with Minnie Mouse and was called "Rover", but Disney felt the name was too generic and eventually changed it to "Pluto the Pup" in 1931.

He had his first "key" role in 1934 in a movie called "Playful Pluto" when he officially became known as Mickey's dog. He has starred in 48 Disney shorts and continues to be one of the worlds most favorite canines.

Goofy was created in cartoon shorts during the 1930's. The original concept name was "Dippy Dawg"; then his name was given as "George Geef" or "G.G. Geef" in cartoon shorts during the 1950s, implying that "Goofy" was only a nickname. The character's full name was then given as Goofus D. Dawg, a name that was used as early as 1957 in the "Great gawrsh-durn champion".

Disney has needed to deal with a certain amount of confusion concerning the fact that the anthropomorphic Goofy, and dog-like Pluto often appear on screen together, yet are the same species. Disney has stated on their website that "Goofy was originally created as Dippy Dawg " and "was created as a human character, as opposed to Pluto, who was a pet, so [Goofy] walked upright and had a speaking voice".

While Goofy remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, no one has felt the pain of this confusion more than Pluto himself, and today, for the first time, he is ready to openly speak here about this egregious lack of equal treatment.

I would like to welcome Pluto along with Internationally known Dog whisperer and todays interpreter for Pluto; Cesar Milan to the stage.

(Band starts playing: "Who let the dogs out??!!")

(Applause)

Also to clear the air and better start Pluto on a path of well being, we have also invited Goofy.

(Applause)

Goofy, come on out here dawg, that was your cue.

(Staggered applause)

Now Pluto, you were created to be Mickey's best friend and always seemed to thrive in that role, when did it become too much to handle emotionally, or was the inequality shown by Disney always an issue?

(Pluto slides his tongue across Cesar's face, stands on his hind toes, and whispers in Cesar's ear. Affectionately massaging Pluto's ear, Cesar starts to interpret for Pluto who is now thumping his paw on the stage in pleasure from the massage)

He sayze dis is acutely perceptive of you. He and the Mick naturally sustained a mutually beneficial synergy. When Disney placed that stupid bow-tie on the Goof, my Pluto's fragile ego crumbled. I have been working on, I mean with, him ever since. It hasn't been easy trying to rehabilitate Pluto. I've never been so frustrated. I always fulfill their needs. But Pluto became, how do you say, frigid?

Or is it rigid?

(Awkward pause)

(cough)

Uh..Goofy,,, does the fact that you are anthropomorphic make you feel superior to Pluto in any way?

I'm sure Pluto loves cartoons just as much as I do. That doesn't make me superior.

Goofy, please don't act in a condescending way to Pluto, asking him to give you his paw is exactly the kind of behavior that has scarred him for 80 years!

Gawrsh, how else is he suppose to earn his treat? He doesn't know how to play the banjo!

Now Pluto, there were times that I felt Mickey's treatment of you was a little harsh, in one episode he kicked you outside in the snow because you knocked over the Christmas tree.

Never before viewed scene from "Pluto's Christmas Tree"

(Audience Gasps at footage)

We both know the truth was that Chip and Dale knocked that tree over and you were the pawn, were there any other instances where you felt slighted having Mickey as an owner?

Do you have a tissue?

(Cesar moves in closer, wrapping his arms around Pluto's midsection)

This is very traumatizing for my Pluto. Nearly every interaction with that mouse was void of the affection-protection scenario. I offer effusive amounts of nuturance and love to compensate for Mick's sadistic patterns. And I implement these interventions day AND night. We hardly sleep at all.

Goofy. Are you still with us buddy? You seem to be fascinated with seeing yourself in the monitor there..

I don't understand how I can be in the monitor and be sitting here at the same time. I've never understood time travel.

Mmkay then. Pluto, I read the you were Disney's 5th most popular character after Mickey, Donald, Minnie and unfortunately Goofy, that's a pretty fine accolade to have, but do you think if you were created equally with the ability to articulate, walk upright and possibly have opposable thumbs, this would change the popularity standings?

In actuality, he would’ve fallen further in the rankings.

You see, Pluto LIKES being a nudist.

(The audience gasps and whispers stir up)

(Cesar and Pluto Giggle and Blush)

I wouldn't have him- if you get my drift- any other way. Incidentally, he has desired the addition of a human middle finger. I am unclear as to why this is the case, but, I do not question him. I enable Pluto to embrace the dominant role, to make up for his past victimization.

This strategy is necessary for the rehabilitation to work optimally.

Cesar, are you sure you are the appropriate counselor for Pluto?

(Cesar avoids the question and strokes Pluto's paw)

Ok, Goofy, do you feel that's a fair assessment of the situation at hand, er, at PAW I should say?

Ummm...errrr...uhhhh yeah, I have thumbs. My mom said I used to suck them until I was 10. I've tried them recently but I guess they tasted better when I was younger.

I heard of a brief love affair between you and Clarabelle the Cow, who is sadly also anthropomorphic, but Pluto, you swear your heart remains with Dinah the Dachshund. Was this just a twisted rumor or is there any truth to it?

How did you know they got "twisted"? Yes, naturally, Pluto and Clarabelle were intertwined like nobody's business. She's got big utters, that cow. His heart remains with Dinah, this is certain, but Clarabelle offered a wealth of new experiences from which to grow and thrive through energy, mind and emotion.

Kind of like the Holy Trinity.

Yes, uh, she is, um, quite a lovely bovine and,, I'm pretty sorry I asked that question,, so let's move on quickly shall we?

Goof, you have remained single, why do you think that is?

I hope Max is watching or listening right now. Have you ever seen a dog clean themselves? Why do I need someone else when I can do it myself?

I'm sure Pluto can agree with me on this one.

Pluto, I know you have been waiting a long time to confront Goofy in a "Non-Disney" way, do you have anything you would like to say to him? Take your time, this is about healing Pluto.

(Cesar leans in to position his ear by Pluto's mouth, listening contently)

He says, no. He can't be mean.

Well, alright. Hey Goofy, I hear they're making a movie about you. Yeah. It's called Coyote Ugly, the last American Canine Virgin. And guess what else?? I slept with your mama. And she told me you were adopted!

Well, whaddya know,, A-kyuck??!!

And what's with that dumb ass bow tie? I bet it's bigger than your-bleep-bleepin ^&%$@#$^!@!!!!

Goofy do you have any words of encouragement for Pluto? This was a very brave thing for him to confront.

Do not eat yellow snow. It is NOT lemonade flavored!

Gawrsh, I have fallen for that too many times.

Pluto,,,, FETCH!

Goofy, please don't throw that ball, that's once again a display of condescending mannerisms!

You want another treat? Go get it boy!!

No. no, Pluto, I know it's hard but don't CHASE it! It only reaffirms your inferi....

......You're chasing it...

......And bringing it back...

......TO.... GOOFY...

Well, I think this was enough for one day Pluto, let's schedule another show to talk about your litter mates and how the Bitch always treated them better than you!

I'd like to thank all of our guests today:

Cesar/Pluto: Played by the Beautiful and Exquisite: Rawkyn' Robyn!!!

Give her a round of blog love at:

http://Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com

And I hope you saved some blog love for our Casanova, Goofy: Played by the handsome and Lustrous: Powdered Toast Man!!!

Visit his place at:

http://reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com/

I'm The Invisible Seductress and I've been your host for this episode of:

Behind The Happiest Place on Earth

Thank you!!
And remember:
Be good to one another
because

we're really all just ONE species

ON THE INSIDE!!

Goodnight for now!!

(ROUSING APPLAUSE!!)