"THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS"

The First Christmas in Spring!!!

2011-12-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

I miss blogging so very bad! If anyone is still out there, I miss you!!! I HAD to post SOMETHING for Christmas as I always do so this is it. Hopefully I will be back soon…..
I feel the best holiday memories can be made when we read to our children. As they sit cross-legged in footed pajamas, they hang on every word. Between melodious giggles and sips of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows…NEVER skimp on this part), you can see the light in their eyes and the excitement of the holiday season. So, with this in mind I wanted to give the children in my life (and yours) the gift of an original Christmas story.
Merry Christmas to one and all!!

The First Christmas in Spring!!

In a forest so enchanted, no humans have been … there’s a wintery scene, up a hill, ‘round the bend. The Great Deer has called for a gathering there, he has information, he feels he should share.

There are mice on the scurry, hooting owls in the trees and a crowd of little bunnies … you can count if you please!!!

Climbing out from her home is a sleepy box turtle; her mom LOVES to rhyme, so she named her Myrtle!!!

A lizard is hanging upside down, from a branch; Naughty skunk wants to join … should we give him a chance? …………..

P-U!!!

Some frogs are arranged, in a row, on a log, by two clever Badgers drinking homemade eggnog.

A squirrel is digging and searching for nuts. He loses and drops them; he’s such a big klutz!!!

Mrs. Timber wolf howls, to call them to order ... Raccoon flashes some pictures … she’s the forest reporter!

The animals are happy, what a beautiful season! But why are they there? Great Deer shares the reason:

“Mr. Bear is so helpful; we all call him “friend”! And if you need a paw, then it’s FOUR that he’ll lend! But if he always goes sleeping, at the first sign of snow, the magic of Christmas, he NEVER will know!!! He is away from the joy that this season can bring … by the time he wakes up, it’s already SPRING!!!”

“But what can we do?” Mrs. Porcupine hollers “We can’t wake him up; we would be such a bother!”

The animals agree and they chirp and they chatter. Great Deer stomps his hooves, to stop all the clatter.

“We won’t wake him up” Deer states, to correct her “Let’s bring Christmas to him, at the end of this winter! We can string rows of garland, paint cones made of pine and hang shiny ornaments on a tree from a vine!”

“Let’s bring him some goodies!” The skunk says with a smile “He’s probably STARVI NG; he’s been sleeping a while!! We can get some big honeycombs, to place by his door, the bees are so generous and they’ll always make more!! Fruits and berries can be hung by HIS chimney with care; Bear’s rumbly tummy soon WON’T be THERE!!”

They were all so excited, they just couldn’t wait! The spirit of giving makes a GOOD Christmas G-R-E-A-T!!

Soon the snow would all fade and the flowers were in bloom and Bear awoke from his slumber, to come out of his room.

He yawned and he scratched and he stretched VERY loud, all the animals gathered; there was quite a big crowd!

By the time Bear stepped out, they had started to sing, it was the very first Christmas……..

………. IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING!!

The End

Sending many Willy Nilly "pee spot in the pool" warm greetings to you!

2011-09-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

I miss you all.

I know that is a bit vague, but writing here is important to me. Nobody else EVER listens to me.

No, no, don't cry for me Argentina!

But.....

I will have to shut the Droid down, and that means no Blogger posting, Facebooking, emails or anything else even remotely socially networkinish! I do hope to get back online someday soon but it will be tough until then.

I really doubt that anyone will actually listen in real life whilst I share about my love of Jello and David Beckham's abs, and licking jello off of David Beckham's abs while simultaneously knitting toe socks for the Elephants of the Zimboboaweaou villages, which is pretty ridiculous because, well, elephants really don't have toes, do they? Or be captivated while I share how that instead of Elephant toe sock knitting I start to Crochet scarves for the Giraffes of the Zimboboaweaou Villages because I really do want to be relevant in my angelic endeavors,, but I find crocheting scarves for Giraffes is very tedious work and I only get one row done before I decide to instead make pot holders for the neighboring Zim Zim Village Mice and this is VERY lucrative work because I can lick ALL the Jello off the first row of David Beckham's abs AND make 10,o52 pot holders for the mice of Zim Zim Village!!

So basically,, I am a HERO to everyone EXCEPT the Zimboboaweaou Elephants who have now barged in to inform me that their "toeish" like things are indeed very cold and striped knitted toe sock(s) really would improve their quality of life. Also, I find out tthat the normally accepting Zimbobweaou Giraffes are a little miffed and rioting because I didn't even offer to refer them to a more qualified Giraffe neck scarf crocheting service and consequently, this is also affecting THEIR quality of life!!

But the Zim Zim Mice kinda sort of still like me even though they don't own pots,, at least THEY can see the beauty in the thought of my gift!

Are you lost? No?? You mean you ACTUALLY understand this smattering of a story and wish to hear more?

That is PRECISELY why I miss you so!!

You respect my usage of a run-on sentence, afterall, they ARE the WD-40 of written word. You also understand that run-on sentences, in spoken word, don't hold any gravity and respect my gift of sharing them all willy nilly and wild like..

So now, if you are still reading this, I offer you a warm thank you, and not like a "swimming through a pee spot in the pool" warm either,, this is a tightly squeezed sweetened with Splenda Thank you for all the comments, and all the support and laughs you have given me warm...

And although I really do wish I could offer you more than just a simple albeit warm "thank you" for all the lub,,,,, my hands are stiff from the crocheting and knitting and grand parades in my honor,,, (oh, and also I am a little vroom, vroom over all of the Jello ab licking talk as well,,) *cough*

But seriously......Thank you!!!!!

Drops of Jupiter

2011-09-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

This is a repost, but it is one of my favorite posts and always seems relevant. i donst get to do the elaborate picturing anymore and posting is difficult even more so coming up as I will be downgrading my phone and unable to blog from it. I hope that all who read this (possibly again) will smile and enjoy the ride.

You are looking straight up to nothing but blue sky. A chain crank, gears catch in a rhythmic song of anticipation.

First quickly,,, click,click,click,click......

.......Then it slows down, click.......click......cl--ick.....

Each jerk of the gears catching, jars your body back. Your view is still the same, blue skies and now,, gallons of clouds seem to be so close you can swirl them onto a long paper Cotton Candy cone.

You turn into a child again and wonder:

How would clouds be flavored?????

What does something so pure and white taste of?????

But your thoughts deviate as the clicking has stopped and you are at the very tip top of the incline. You are posed for descent, looking down at the car formed in red around you, lightening stripes decorating the sides, your only security from the drop off ahead.

Moments linger as your breath races to catch up with your heart and wind blows your hair in your mouth.

If you are lucky, a hand from the seat next to you reaches out to you and embraces each finger with love.

If you are alone, the strength you gather within yourself is even more of a gift.

Is it too late to question the safety of this roller coaster?

Yes.

You look at the tracks and plot your trip down them apprehensively,, but they seem to disappear beneath your gaze.

Do you have faith that they are still there, even if they are out of your circumspect vision?

Yes.

Will you raise your hands and try to lift yourself off the security of the seat, accentuating the adventure of inertia even more and.......

LETTING GO AT THE DROP OFF??????

Or will you close your eyes and hug the harness, screaming at every motion, angle and change of orientation......

TOO SCARED TO LET IT REALLY EFFECT YOU???????

In life we have no option but to ride the track we are on at the time. We may be able to bend and curve the track at times, but to do that.....

......we have to let go of the safety harness and trust ourselves!

What would life be like if we never had a reason to raise our hands high in the air and experience whatever lies in front of us, for what it really is,,,,,,,

Another Adventure

Outcomes will vary but the ride should always be experienced freely, without the reservations of doubt welling up as a result of the last ride you took.

Each ride can be different even if the tracks look the same at first glance.

If you change the way you look at things,,,,,,

,,,,,,the things you look at change

What moments are engraved in your memory banks?

The first time someone held your hand-- Getting an A+ on a test you studied for all night--Your first crush actually KNOWING you are alive--That first kiss--Your first roller coaster ride--The taste of the summers first honeysuckle flower--Fireworks watched from the hood of a broke down Chevy truck--The first time you hit the gas and went 90MPH--The moment you realized you were making love to the right one--Watching your newborn scream, through tears of happiness--Puppy kisses--Letting go-or-Holding on-or-just knowing when--Finally climbing that mountain--Running away with him--Coming back without him--Loving your beautiful smile--Smiling in beautiful love--

Tasting your first Cotton Candy Cloud

Whatever track you are on.....

...there will be "wooden roller coaster" shake your existence moments.....

But the wonderful "metal track" loop-de-loops and twisty twirls will always be awaiting you for the next ride......

Don't be afraid to buy the tickets and stand in line for the next surprising, wonderful, exhilarating, redeeming, freeing, chilling, miraculous and

ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS

Roller Coaster Ride Of Life

.....And please take me with you...I am a Roller Coaster Junkie!!

Please enjoy "Drops of Jupiter" by Train:

Perhaps you have some advice...

2011-09-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Oh parenting...the drama...the tears...the bodily fluid clean-up..

Does it ever get easier?

Seductressville is an interesting place to live.. It's where all the neighbors knit rainbow toe socks for Troll dolls and sweet little cozies for our 3lb green gummy bears (all the other colors are on their own),, and we lay on thermapudic Circus Peanut mattresses releasing the sweet smell of what dreams are made of whilst we tell tales of Unicorns delicately painting each individual rainbow and naming flowers and Ninja warriors after us.

Sadly, not even this perfect scenario will make their transition from childhood seamless.

These kids lighten my world but also cause an incalculable level of worry and distress, every day.

So, as I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and chanting about cookies and milk (by cookies I mean xanex and by milk, I mean Pink Cosmo's), I hope you understand.

Yet, through all the struggle, I know the days are quickly passing me by and it saddens me.

The freckles painted perfectly on little noses and cheeks are fading--Soon the days of stepping on defiant plastic Superheros with every shower will be gone--Or finding that my razor was used to sneak and shave the babyfine hair on little tanned legs by sweet tiny unprofessionally painted neon colored clad fingernailed hands--the days of candy wrappers hidden in drawers, gone-- Strangely-miniature but still over exaggerated brazierish undergarments won't hide in the back of my dryer--Yes, even the underwear will have a makeover, no more colrful days of the week or fruit, cup cakes and ice cream cones, or even Spongebob will be printed on them as bribery to remember to change them EVERY day--They will soon pretend they are too "mature" to want that free lollipop at the bank, but the fact that they are named "dum-dum pops" will still lead to an hour of hilarity--"Nonsters" won't hide under beds, allowing me to multi-task by spraying an unmarked bottle of Febreeze as "de-monster" protectant on the bed--Nobody's feet will dangle from a shopping cart awaiting a cookie from the bakery (sadly, people will ALWAYS look at me strangely as I dangle my feet from the cart while I savor Publix's sugar cookies). I'll miss popsicle smiles and pictures on the refrigerator of stick figures that still look surprisingly just like our family, even with the lack of fingers and joints.

We won't always be their hero. They probably won't even like me for a large periond of time coming up real soon. I won't be able to control the way other people see them or even more importantly, how they see themselves. I can only hope that they realize that only they can control their self worth. This is a hard lesson that I can not even attest to have learned 100%, few can. But it's one that is invaluable. I had a friend tell me that she is the most "her" that she has ever been before. That translates into happines however you slice it. What a revelation for us to teach to our children. How do you do this with your kids?

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Uh, does my T-shirt REALLY have "DORK" written on it???

2011-08-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

-I have'nt been sleeping very well lately, things are swirling in my head like a rogue slushee machine. This causes brain freeze of a different calibur. Movies of your life play relentlessly without giving you popcorn confetti breaks or moments of Twizzler slappin' fun!

WHAT???

You have never experienced a Twizzler slapping fun time before? Well, well, well my innocent Twizzler slappin' virgin you- I am befuddled at your lack of candy abuse experience! I vow to take your Twizzler slapping virginity and leave you begging for 54 sour straw lashes in my wake...

*cough*

(Yes, I do realize I have issues, that is precisely why you like me!! Right?)

Any way I suppose I should get to the point of this post which is to expose myself to a little humiliation "Seductress style"

It was roughly 2:30 Am when my head finally concreted the fact that I was to be without slumber this night. I accepted my fate humbly and started to instantly crave sex and/or Jello through a straw. I obviously opted for Jello through a straw because the allure of that scandalous act makes me weak in the knees and trembling with passion. I then had the brilliant idea that the mail should be checked NOW!

This place, for some reason unbeknownst to me, has a gravel covering on the porch and sidewalk.

And even though I know that this gravel sidewalk acts like tiny razor blades impaling my super sweet and sexy feets, I still choose to traverse it, barefoot,,, because that's how I roll, yo.

The walk in that level of pain resembles slapstick comedy at it's best. My hobbling rush to get to the grassy patch in front of the gravel sidewalk that is infested with sticker bush weeds then ensues.

I realize that it might sound silly, trading one level of pain for another, but it still doesn't sound sillier that the fact that there are flip-flops right by the door and I am too lazy/stupid to take the time to don them and avoid this whole pain waltz in the first place.

I finally do get to the driveway and amble down torwards the mailbox, which along with mail, also happens to inhabit a larger than normal spidey and its, stickier than normal web. I have learned to reach in and ever so quickly and stealthily pull the mail out, avoiding both web and webmaker 96% of the time.

This would be the .04% that I dreaded.

As I did the OMG there is a @$%$##@! spider on my ^&%$#@ hand dance,,,,,,, police spotlights catch me in the act.

Oh,,,,, did I forget that they were patrolling more these days and "normal" people are not usually break dancing in front of their mailboxes at 2Am in the morning???

Yes, yes I did!

He edged forward.

I reach down to pull my t-shirt down a bit because I find that I am a little shy in police spotlights........*shrugs* Who knew??

The walk up the driveway and the accompanying dance of pain through the sticker weeds and "shards of glass" gravel sidewalk could only be more animated now that I added the pull the t-shirt down ritual.

His beams were getting closer.....

I too was getting closer to the safety of my door and my hopefully anonymous escape that it offered.

But then,,,,

,,,,,this wouldn't really be MY story if that happened now would it?????

.....to be painfully continued.....

2011-08-25T13:52:00.002-07:00

There are absolutes in my life.

I always wear sparkles-I love green olives AND green jello-I am obsessed with Circus Peanuts and David Beckham's abs- I want to go into a little house and do very un-prairieish things to Charles Ingals whilst Mr. Edwards enthusiastically sings: "Old Man Tucker" and plays spoons on his knees right outside the window-If I am at someone's house or business and they have ambient light, I secretly blow out the candles to smell the phospherous wisp of air and then act aloof when someone notices all the candles have been estinguished-I will trip on air but never seem to fall like the dude in the warning signs always does- I believe the risk of salmonella poisioning is minimal compared to the joy of eating raw cookie dough-I still love Santa Claus, thumb war and Vodka, but not always in that order-

Just another day in the life.....

2011-07-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

My brain is tapped out for comedy or even a smidgen of intellectual banter of the written persuasion.

This is an example of what my mornings look like:

Middle kid has been sick all night,, middle kid is the Drama Queen of the universe,, Mom wishes ANYONE else but the Drama Queen of the universe would be sick,, ANYONE!!!! (I say again for dramatic purposes) Mom gets no sleep,, oldest spawn gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn is mean when she gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn screams and refuses to wake up,, youngest child awakens and acts like a happy Disney character,, happy Disney characters are very freaking irritating early in the morning,, Mom feels like a Disney villain ,, there is much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms from middle child,, Mom is trying very hard to be sympathetic and engaging while much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms ensues from middle child,, Mom goes on an imaginary strike,, imaginary strike does not last long,, the children want,, what do they want??

What could they POSSIBLY want, you ask sweetly:

Everything,,

Mom has nothing to give but love,, they want more than love,, Mom deduces children must have completed advanced underground training courses in aggravation,, Mom concludes children received A+'s in the advanced underground training courses in aggravation and are now just showing off their skills,, main toilet overflows BEFORE 6AM,, Mom does not feel pretty when toilets overflow,, it makes her sparkles dull,, Mom cleans over-flowed toilet bathroom while cursing under her breath and NOT feeling pretty,, there is still much middle child gakking,, there is much ado about said middle child gakking,, middle child's symptoms advance quickly,, middle child starts getting sick from both ends now,, Mom discovers middle child getting sick from both ends moments too late,, Mom cleans up mess from middle child getting sick from both ends which she discovered moments too late and again does not feel pretty,, Mom tries hard to feel pretty,, she fains a smile,, Mom still does not feel pretty,, did mom EVEN put on sparkles today??? Mom determines that it really is too early to go back to bed and thinks about resorting to copious amounts of alcohol and wishing Xanex grew on the tree in the front yard so she could partake in it heavily..

Mom determines it is too early for Xanex and copious amounts of alcohol,, but realizes that had it been 15 minutes later,, this may have been acceptable behavior to everyone EXCEPT Dr. Phil,, Mom realizes that even Dr. Drew would have partaken in this blatant attempt to cope.. He would suggest rehab start tomorrow and offer me a hit on the downlow.. I love chocolate so I would accept..

*The following is an Invisible Seductress PSA*

Just say "NO" to drugs.... But "HELL'S YES" to chocolate!!

Mom would leave town,, but deduces that the children know her name and would inevitably follow her screaming it,, making the scene look somewhat sketchy,, Mom makes plans to change her name and NOT let her children know what her new name is..

Mom realizes the only way out of this bad day that has just started is to face it head on with humor,, Mom starts telling bad jokes and feels a little bit better,, youngest child drops too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug,, Mom cries a little and looks to the sky and screams:

"REALLY ???"

Mom glances at her children,, one is crying because he dropped his too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug even though he will eat breakfast at the sitters and this was sort of a "snack" anyway,, son STILL doesn't understand mom's "snack" philosophy.. One girl is crying because she is sick from both ends even though she is not cleaning it up and has a cool cloth on her head and a sweet mommy rubbing her back,, one kid is cross armed and all attitude because her little sister kept her up all night,, Mom sucks it up and apologizes for the bad morning,, Mom proclaims her love for children, promises that the day will get better and hugs each child individually (although sick middle child gets a half hug pat thingy because she still looks green)..

Kids say:

"I love you Mom!"

This is said almost in perfect unison,, Mom now feels BEAUTIFUL!!!

Her sparkles begin to shine once more,,

...until the car stalls repeatedly before even leaving the neighborhood and youngest child,, who sits in back of mom powerpukes and mom swears the puke was perfectly aimed to fly into the square hole in the back of her head rest.....

"REALLY???"

And then he starts to sing because now he feels better,, guess what is more annoying than a happy Disney character first thing in the morning?? A happy Disney character IMMEDIATELY after powerpuking through the square hole in the back of your mother's head rest...

The End.

Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy:

Snuggledog's story: Pee'd on and Tee'd off!

2011-07-02T16:18:00.001-07:00

Snuggledog lives a charmed life. In the arms of his boy, he is
warm, safe and always in the lap of luxury. At night, he has a pillow and his own special spot tucked in bed, under the blanket, cradled in Traxx's arms.

He is the head of the stuffed animal mafia and calls all the shots in the toy box. He has watched Toy Stories 1,2 AND 3 and is very aware of the importance of his position in a childs life.

A restful nights sleep depends on him. The other "lesser" stuffed animals need him to delagate out time away from the toy box to be engaged in play with Traxx. He has made sacrifices to gain the position of "top dog" in my son's life.

This is just one such story of Snuggledog's sacrifice and the power and magic of a boy's love.

The following story is written by Snuggledog as translated by me. Apparently Snuggledog has a southern girl's accent, not sure why and it is a bit disturbing but you should read the story in that way to best enjoy it.

It was a hot summer evening in the heart of the south, cicada bugs sit screaming on prickly branches as the sun sings it's swan song. Mamma had worked all day in the fields courting gentlemen with her curtsy and bows, whilst my boy had labored tirelessly at being a Stealth Bomber of energy and light. Oh, he is a sight to behold, I declare, a cold glass of lemon infused sweet tea if I might say! (see, weirdly southern right?)

My boy had drifted off to sleep on the long car ride home as I whispered of snails and puppy dog tails in his ear. Mamma lifted him out of his carseat and pointed us in the direction of the door, lovingly reminding him to use the restroom before laying down for the night.

He took me; Snuggledog, his faithful friend, into the loo room.

Still groggy from all of the day's tasks, he began to relieve himself with spotty aim in the porcelin pot.

Mamma asked him to mind this infraction. Her normally soothing and sultry voice must have startled the child as he lost his hold upon me and I fell into the toilet bowl to be pee'd upon.

My boy couldn't help it, he had tried to stop, but he could'nt stop the flow of urine from molesting me.

I declare, I swallowed all the fresh air I could whilst doggie paddling for my furry life as my boy screamed at the horrific discovery.

Mamma assured him I would be fine and went to get a bag to aid in my travel to the washing machine so I wouldn't drip the toilets toxic water on her sparkling floor.

Oh how my boy screamed for my safety as Mamma put me in that plastic grocery bag:

"He will cufficate in that bag mom!! He'll cufficate!!"

Mamma gently pulled my head out so I could breathe and as I took those deep breaths, Mamma allowed Traxx to kiss the tip of my right ear (as it was the only untarnished patch of fur), before she was brought to the task of depositing my newly soiled body into the darkness of the washing machine.

The boy realized that he was to be facing the night without my charms and again voiceforously presented his saddness to Mamma:

"Snuggledog is the ONLY friend I sleep with!! He is my favoriteist aminal!! I CAN'T sleep without Snuggledog!!"

His tears flowed freely as I began to gargle loudly in the soapy water, thus signalling for Mamma to lift the lid to the washer and heed my sweet voice.

"Let the boy sleep with Grandpa Bear tonight" I told her.

"Grandpa Bear will protect and keep him warm!" I continued, in my quest to comfort him.

Mamma told the boy of my valiant biddings.

The boy shrugged off the idea of Grandpa Bear's love at first out of his devotion for me, but Mamma wisely spoke to him once again:

"It's the way Snuggledog wants it, we have to be strong FOR HIM!!"

Mamma is so brave and astute! She is also a fine and wonderful virtuoso translator of stuffed animal linguistical matters.

Yes, I suffered a little collateral damage in the washer and squealed in the dryer at the abuse, and I still do have signs of the torture around my right eye, but the lesson of love is a battle of a sparkling heart and mine shined that day!

When I was reunited with my boy, he asked Mamma if she would have had to throw me away if there had been poop in the loo and I got it on me.

Mamma jokingly, but also a tad cold heartedly replied:

"Yes" upsetting my boy.

He questioned her answer once again:

"If I got poop on ME, would you throw ME away??"

"Yes" Mamma joked once more.

"But I'm YOUR KID!!" he stated strongly.

"Yes, and I will ALWAYS love you.....AND Snuggledog!!!"

And we all laughed and laughed.

This is a test of the emergency seductress system. Had this been an actual seduction, instructions would follow...

2011-06-05T07:14:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I miss you guys! This cell writing is tough-but reading is even tougher! But I do read you all, but then commenting is hard. I miss this badly. But I do receive some questions and will now answer a few of them because I love you so... You feel it?? The love?? You feel it don't you? I can tell because your paw is tapping the ground when I rub behind your ear like this!!

Q: If you ever came face to face with an Invisible Seductress in her natural habitat, how would you attempt to woo her?

A: Although Invisible Seductress sightings ARE rare (as wild creatures cannot be tamed), there is a small chance that you may one day experience her lure and wile. This is even more intriguing if she has been recently sparkled. However, a word of caution is warranted here; you may find yourself inundated with giddy "Glee Episode" like joy and smarm, christened with excess sparkles and an uncontrollable longing to float in industrial sized green Jello vats on large pineapple rings (cut on the diagonal, of course!) Furthermore, you may also start to look at simple things in a completely new and delightful way. Circus Peanuts, for example, start radiating the warmth and fuzzy feelings of a childhood long past. In the canned meat aisle of your local grocery store, you may burst out singing the praises of Spam, (expertly accompanying yourself with the finely tuned instruments you created lovingly out of Sporks, road-found combs, partially used toilet paper tubes and a smattering of the beautiful light-amber colored Spam coagulant substance you have been saving at home,,,, (because it adds that "little something extra").

Note: The examples I have mentioned here are only a few of the "after effects" of a Seductress sighting, there would really need to be a personal empiricism to understand the gravity of the event, so I will move on to the next question.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar? (Please sing this question for your maximum enjoyment)

A: I feel this is an unfair question because you are not actually offering to bequeath to me a Klondike bar. You are in essence going to judge me on my dedication/willingess to perform grand actions of uncharacteristically bizarre or embarrassing feats to "sweeten the kitty" or be rewarded with a Klondike bar. I also feel the premise of the Klondike bar commercial is being misapprehanded here. Where the commercial offered positive and instantaneous Klondike bar gratification for an act that was completely "on the fly" or without premeditation, your question suggests that a totally different strategic position must surface. There would be much more time to conjure up a grandiose reaction thus ENSURING that the individual would demonstrate a much higher level of dedication and AUTOMATICALLY be gifted the Klondike bar in a much publicized reward ceremony. Furthermore, you,,, in a blatant defiant act of cruelness,,, do not even TRY to produce the mere "offer" or thereafter show the actual ability of delivering that sweet, sweet prize to me or another brave undertaker of the feat in question. So once again, as to not be tautological, I will move on to the next question.

Q: Your posts are very long, and as much as I love reading them, sometimesI have to skip through. Have you considered a less wordy way of writing posts?

A: Yes

Q: Seductress, why doest thou hold court alone? Surely with thoust divine beauty, supreme intelligence and "spot on" comedic timing,,,, along with being the most humblest Goddess of light and sparkle in the country,,,, surely you wouldst have daily lines of amazing suitors at your beck and call, Why doest thou dance as a half in a land of many wholes??

Note: Ok, so maybe I wrote this one, but surely thoust does wonder,,,, at least ONE of my royal court should step up "Batman villain style" and "riddle me this" by mentioning this daunting quandary of mine!! If not then they have not heardst the ruling put forth by the divine goddess of light and sparkle in reference to the beheading of any who scoff at my dating status,,, well,,, at least a public scoffing anyways.... And seriously, you have to admit: "Why doest thoust dance as half in a land of many wholes" really IS a great question!

A: I submit the following answerful for your perusal: Randomness.... I an VERY random. In my humor, in my quirkiness, in my clutzy endeavors to look suave in times of attraction to the opposite sex.

You want someone to flub a "come on line" --I'll do it! You want someone to humor you with jokes after I fall down a flight of stairs in front of you on the first date?--pick me! You swant someone who dances down the Cirxus Peanut aisle--*ooooh,ooooh *raising hand*

I guess when I was IN a relationship, I acted AS the relationship permitted. I was so lost in being everything that he needed (or so I thought) that I was scared to come out on my own. But now, I am a quintessential bit of weird and random and wondering if I even CAN fit into a "normal" relationship. Is it like the "riding a bike" thing? I hope not, because if it is, I would revert back into the girl who accepted being treated like an afterthought ALL of the time. So for the sake of logic, if men really DO want women to be organized and precise and are scared of a little whimsy and sparkles, I will submit the following formal resume for you to read at your leisure. Please suggest to me, in comment form, any changes that would need to be made in order to successfully complete the task at hand, which apparently, as stated above, is dancing on land as a whole.

My formal dating resume

The Invisible Seductress
Location:

Stuck in horse country where there really aren't handsome single horse tycoons walking around waiting to find me afterall.

Objective:

To build a meaningful stable relationship where my skills in sarcasm and seduction will be utilized to their fullest potential and a team environment thrives.

History:

Married too long to someone who couldn't care less about things.

Dated numerous men who were not able to stop dragging knuckles and stay erect, er, uh, I mean STAND ERECT (what were YOU thinking I meant? Geesh).

Skills:

Raising beautiful children on my own who are actually more mature than many of the men I have dated.

Can cook, clean, budget, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man, cause I'm a woman! W--O--M--A--N...

.. and then say it again.....

Dang it, I just don't do "organized and precise" well at all do I??? I'm dooooooomed!!

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Ants are our friends!

2011-05-27T17:09:00.001-07:00

Oh little ants, you'd think that after a few dozen of your scout ant bretheren failed to return from their mission, you would re-strategize and formulate another plan of attack and possibly another location to ship your scouts. You see, my bathroom is NOT filled with sugar mountains majesty and rivers of syruppy bliss to linger in. Perhaps retraining efforts should begin.

I have not had an ant problem since I moved into my first apartment at 19. I noticed around 3 ants on my counter and did what every single gal would do-go to Home Depot and look for a hottie to save you from your own fained ignorance. It was a great plan of attack and as the handsome gentleman corralled me to the pesticide aisle-I perfected my southern accent with some sweet giggles, took his advice and bought some clear stuff with a picture of a cross-eyed ant on it. The next morning after using the treatment, the 3 ants turned into about 1,052, all swirling around my bait like it was nectar from the ant gods. The morning after that, there were about 2,978 ants on the counter. Approximately 33% of those were dead and had 3 or 4 mourners by their side, I was mortified. I cleaned it up and never used the nectar again. A day later, I only had one ant on the counter and a date with the home depot guy. After the date, I deduced that ant would have been better company for the evening.

Now this is the part of the story that will solidify your true thoughts and perceptions of me as a reader. You will add "certifiably crazy" to your list of Seductress traits. Hopefully nestled nicely behind: Quirky-fun-Circus Peanut eating, goddess of light and inspiration (cough).

You see, these ants are not pesty trailblazing ants. They are unusually large wanderers of peace. And if you cock your head and close one eye they are actually very cute. Their bizarrely long antennae buzz around happily, making them cartoonish in appearance. And you know how I love anthropomorphic things, well, these ants are straight from a Disney flick. And they are always there in the morning when no one but me and the Circus Peanut farmers are awake. And since I love to talk....

I talk to them.

I want you to know that I do understand that they may speak in a different language than I and they may only hear a series of chirps every time I open my mouth, but they do seem to listen, their antennae stop the swirling and focus on my every word, which is more than I can say for most humans.

I talk about things like how upsetting it is to wake up and find that a spawn shat in the middle of the night and it was too big to flush, and how this makes me feel less sexy than I should ALL day!!

I let them know how lucky they are that they don't have unruly coifs to style every morning.

I ask them if the Disney depiction of their existence in "A Bugs Life" is accurate, are they really living in the oppression of grasshoppers? Cause if so, I may have to take grasshoppers OFF my list of bugs I allow to live if found in my house, along with Lady Bugs, Daddy long leg spiders and Roly Poly's. This would give me a completely different political viewpoint and the death penalty may be warranted.

I ask them if ant sex is exciting, we laugh and laugh when they blush over the topic.

I question whether or not they had a choice in their career path, because being a long distance "over the road" ant scout must be strenuous. Is there hazard pay? You Know, for risks like, well, me??

And this is where the conversation turns a little morbid. I have them choose their fate. Would they prefer a watery ride on the loo, or a "to the point" squashing. Counter-clockwise twist of the antennae for the loo and clockwise for the squash. The squash always seems to win, but I assume it is only because antennae can not move counter-clockwise.

I do apologize to them that they do now have to die, but also explain that If it were up to me, I would gladly let them live. They come to an understanding that the girls do that "squealy girl thing" everytime they see one of their kind and the "squealy girl thing", as we all know, makes any rational human want to puncture their ear drums with those little fancy toothpicks you might find securing the layers on a Denny's club sandwich. I would use the pink topped ones (see, I knew you were wondering what color I would choose for this act of mercy, because I'm all intuitive like that).

But the real story here is about my son. He says that the ants are our friends and that we should not kill them. He is also the child that after I mistakenly told him that the grasshoppers that hang out around the front door must be "racing hoppers" because they are black with a bright yellow stripe, brought a dozen or so in the house while I was in the back room and was found laughing and slapping the tile to encourage "the racers".

I have watched him numerous times as he carefully scoops up a lucky ant and carries it gingerly to the porch, talking to it all along the way. He then slowly places them on the concrete and to the beginning of their new found freedom. He says a final sweet goodbye and pats them on the head,,, which promptly and ironically,,,

,,,, kills the ant in a "to the point" squashing fashion....

Thus is the circle of life... (insert Lion King music here)

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repost of my first eloquently written "Love Letter"...REVAMPED SEDUCTRESS STYLE!!! and sadly still teaches a lesson.....

2011-05-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

I wanted to repost this because in looking back at my dating experiences since I wrote this post I can honestly say: WTF?!!

It seems, the further I delve into what are supposed to be the "happiest" and "funnest" single times of my life, the more I realize that maybe that 19 year old I thought I "loved" was actually a love "rocket scientist". That guy who wore tight ball busting jeans and a t-shirt that read: STUD FOR HIRE, to meet my preacher father for the first time, (causing our only "dates" to be on the front porch of my house for months) rivaled Einstein. He "got it", he knew that when/if it was meant to be, it WOULD be. And if it wasn't, then that would be OK too.

Maybe I STILL have it all wrong. Is the moment that I actually just accept my own life "as it is" and without the pressure of feeling "less than" because I don't have a husband or partner, the moment that a weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I can start to enjoy every breath without feeling "slighted"?

So, these are words that I wrote for a sweet faced love of mine. Words that as I wrote them, made me weep from the strength and joy I had thought I found. Words that haunt me again as I found them hidden (in rough draft form) in an envelope stuck in a chest full of other memories. The page was still punctuated with the tears of joy I had shed while writing and also the tears of pain shed after he left (insert empathetic sniffle here)... and now the tears of laughter at thinking he ever deserved these words in the first place!! But I was young (19), and he was my first "love"...

So without further ado, I give you:

THE LOVE LETTER
By: The girl who WAS invisible, but definitely NOT a seductress!!

Dear You,

Your words send me into a trance, it's only when I stumble upon the weakness that I have for you that I feel my own mortality. We are transcending time with each touch, like a stop motion camera watching a flower blossom in the spring. The petals of love soften and curl as they open fully to the morning rays, exposing a virgin soul that had otherwise remained hidden from the light, pure and sweet with its intentions. I await further ripening of my spirit with each breath you take, that lingers next to my skin. I pull to you closer and steal the heat away as I enjoy every part of your being. I am renewed when you look into my eyes, pushing me deeper and deeper into a loss of rational thought. I will give you all that I have and would offer all I ever will, if you were to stay here by my side, looking at me that way, feeding every carnal hunger.

It is much more than a love, but a journey into what all of us pray to find in another, a union of mind and body, separate and defined, but parallel on the path to our happy ending.

Love,
Me

Uh,, yea,, that SHOULD have scared the hell out of a normal 19 year old boy!!!!!!

No wonder he ran a few weeks after this!! This left me crushed and questioning my worth.

I now know that this is what I should have written to wooo him at at that very tender age...

Dear Megaman-awesomepants,

You still live with your parents, I have my own place and big screen TV with a remote control that loves the sports channel and soft porn. I also have a fake ID for beer, real tits that your friends all talk about and a blonde room mate who wants a "stripper pole".

You're stupid, but I won't call you on it. I'm smart, but I won't rub it in your face by using big words like: "antidisestablishmentarianism" in our daily conversations although I do feel that the antidisestablishmentarianism of the church has greatly improved.

I work at the bank so you may possibly be entitled to refunds when you bounce $15 checks buying clearance video games at Toys-R-Us. And buy me a Pez dispenser for our anniversary while you are there please!!

I think buffalo wings should accompany every date we go on and going "dutch" is awesome! I want your clothes to smell fresh so I will wash them with jasmine, and also,,,, please allow me to wash your feet and dry them with my hair, as done in biblical times.

When you fart it enlightens my senses. When you burp, I feel the love in the air. Size and time does not matter when I am with you, you are a sexy, sexy beast! The tracks in your underwear that lay on my floor, that I have to walk over to get out of the room, are even very sexy! And it's cool that you don't actually have to un-zip or un-belt your pants because they fall to the ground like you shrunk out of them ie: the witch in "The Wizard of Oz", I think clothes that fit are so over rated!

And YES,,,,, marijuana SHOULD be legalized because you say so! You create a very compelling debate for it when you are high, that is greatly accentuated with the cheez-puff dust on the corner of your mouth and the burn holes on your t-shirt from when you dropped the doobie in passing. When you screamed: "DUDE!!! I'm on FIRE,,,,, DUDE!!!" it was really, really endearing and the warm beer I put you out with worked very nicely!

Your friends are always welcome here as they are all geniuses. And it is OK that your ex-girlfriend still calls you in the middle of the night, you are very thoughtful to take the time to counsel her.

Oh, and I WILL support you until you get another job. I am sure your female boss just "imagined" you were flirting with her when you hand slipped off the King of the Burger's register and slapped her polyester clad rear end.

Love,
Me

Do you think he would have stayed then?

LOL(ing)

Young love and the lessons we have to learn the hard way!!!

Here's to hoping that the men my age have transcended that ignorance,, but still like cheez- puffs...

I'm still OK with cheez-puffs!!!

Please enjoy a classic snippet from the charming men of SNL:

HEY!!! I've danced with these guys!!!!

Note to self: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH *facepalm*.....

And PS: I love the "retro" comments too! I hope all of you have found great happiness in the months since this originally was posted and even though I seem to be in the same spot, I have since mastered scaring off an even more clueless set of men-- so--here's to all the single gals who are OK with their "weird catless cat-lady" futures if thats what they are meant to have...But if not....single men......watch out......we're coming for ya!!!!

A Mothers Love.....

2011-05-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

This is a repost... One night Traxx climbed in bed with me, the light was shining on his little face SOOO perfectly, it made me tear up. I laid hoping my kids know how much I love them. I ended up writing this story and illustrating it this afternoon (which because I am NOT an artist, took forever!!). DramaGirl got into the action contributing a pic of the most perfect platypus and a tag at the end..... it is so sweet and SPECIAL!!

I am giving this post to you again as a mothers day present. I wish I could print it for you all. Re-gift it to people with kids as much as you want. It may not be an award winning book, but it is sweet and came from a mommies heart. (little tip.... I'm the vixen....*wink*)

Deep in the forest, under big shady trees, a meeting was starting, the kind no one sees.

A Fox took charge and she silenced the crowd:

“We’ll all get our chance now, no need to be loud!”

“We’re here to find out, which mom loves the best!"

"Which animal mommy will beat ALL the rest?”

A polar bear rumbled, and wanted her turn, for HER love was the deepest, as all here should learn.

“I come from the land, of snow and of wind, the days are too long, but the nights never end. I can look to the sky and almost always will see, a dance of bright snowflakes performing for me. With each frozen jewel that will land on this Earth, well, I love my cubs TWICE that much since their birth!”

This number impressed even the head of the meeting, but the other mom’s knew, their love wasn’t fleeting. They mumbled and griped, and refused to be quiet, and then a Toucan flew over to add to the riot:

“I’m from the forest of hard daily rains, and sometimes it gets messy, sometimes it’s a pain, but we love our babies, colored bright like the sun, more than every single raindrop, YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE!”

Again there was gasping, that number WAS grand, but a cheeky mommy monkey would now take the stand:

“Well, everyone knows it’s bananas we crave, we eat TEN each day, and nary we save. Take every banana, and all of their trees, why, we’d give them ALL up just to hug our babies!!”

Mommy Fox looked over, to a small patch of ground, to see the odd creature that was making odd sounds:

“A platypus, HEY, well what do ya know?
I can’t wait to hear THIS, just give it a go!!”

The platypus smiled and waved to the crowd.
She stood on her hind legs and spoke VERY loud:

(I am in LOVE with DramaGirl's Platy, aren't you?)

“Yes, we look strange, I admit that is true, but no love is stronger, just let me tell you! We live in the water where mud swirls up, we dig and make homes there and never give up. For all of our fighting to survive every struggle, we’d do it forever just to raise our sweet little puggles.”

“Oh my," the Fox said! Well, who would have known? Baby plats are called puggles, until they are grown! And I must declare, you gave quite a show, while you talked about your baby with your face all aglow!”

“Glowing, who’s glowing? With THAT we are best!
Just let me speak up, I’ll pass every test!"

There flying high, Fox saw a sweet friend, and this little friend had a light on her end!

“Little, Mrs. Firefly, I bid you HELLO!!
It's your turn to speak now, so give it a GO!"

“We glow like the sun, twinkling bright with our love, that easily out shines, the stars shooting above!!”

Soon a mom grew impatient;
jumping straight to the front:

“Just stop all this nonsense, so I can finish my hunt!”

“Dear Tigress, yes, YES, please, share your story, a mothers love is so precious and deserves ALL the glory!”

“We hunt very often and teach our cubs to be strong, if we respect what is offered, we never go wrong. This great land is a gift, but our cubs are the treasure, the pride land is so vast, it can never be measured. To our cubs we pass down, all they see, they will own, another love so empowered, will NEVER be known.”

One shy little raccoon now waved her black paw:

“I don’t mean to intrude, but there’s something I saw.”

“Sweet Mommy Raccoon, yes, step up and we’ll chat, what did you see, and where were you at?”

“It’s in the small homes of a quaint little village; I stop there to eat, from their garbage I pillage. I look in the window each night and I see, a picture so touching it affects even me!”

“You’ll all come along, I will show you the way!"

"We’ll have the TRUE story by the end of the day!”

The animals all followed their smart little friend and wound up at a window down the street at the end. A mother was snuggled up, reading a book, with her sweet little babies, she shared loving looks. At the end of the story she tucked them in tight and kissed their cheeks softly and turned out the lights. She walked to the hallway, then peeped in again, just to tell them once more, how much she loved them.

The animals were touched, but not ONE could be sure, which mommy animal loved THEIR babies more.

They stood looking in, knowing one thing was clear;
they ALL missed their babies and wanted them near!

Some ran off quickly, and some took it slow...

After all, how fast could a mommy turtle go?

They went to their dens, to the nests or the shore, back home to their babies that each one adored. They told them THIS story and tucked them in tight. They kissed their cheeks softly, and turned out each light.

They took a few steps and then peeped in again, just to tell their sweet babies how much they loved them.

Now I’m reading this story so I can tell YOU, how much I adore everything that you do.

I’ll kiss your sweet cheek and turn out your light, pull up your blankets, and snuggle you tight!

I’ll tell you I love you and smile, but then, I’ll steal one more hug, while I tell you AGAIN!!

That is the story, and it should be the end!
But Mommy Fox's are tricky, so SHE peeps BACK in!

I have something to tell you!
There is something to know!

This Mommy Fox WINS our little LOVE show!!!

THE END

As an added bonus, the PERFECT song for this post.....

Why don't you come over here and SPARK me sometime!!

2011-04-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

I recieved an email notification that someone on a dating site I used to be a member of thought we'd have "sparks" together. This was great news! I like feeling like flintstone from time to time------starting fires with the men of America. And with all this Royal Wedding stuff flying around---who wouldn't want to feel sparkaliscious for a moment?

So I decided to follow the link and catch a glimpse of this very observant hunk muffin.

I open it up to a 53 year old anomoly.

Now I am sure this is a very nice gentleman and I certainly mean no harm, but I was cornfused. Was he Freddy Mercury... Was this Mick Jagger?? Wait.... is this Steven Tyler?? A zombie Axl Rose? Mork from Ork???

There he was, sitting on a counter in a lycra jewel- toned unitardish shirt,,, patterned "Hammer" pants and chunky white tennis shoes accentuated with red socks and yes, suspenders. And he arched his back really nice like whilst crossing his legs too.

There was even a caption over the picture that read: My favorite spot!

Your favorite spot is sitting on a counter posing like it's a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover shoot???

Is this a joke?

He even had his bangs and the sides of his hair curled under people...

And not just in one "joke" picture, each one was stranger than the last...I could hear the rock and roll screams bellowing in my head and imagine the fights over the curling iron and the last precious spritz's of aquanet. It was confusing... And still confuses me...

Until another "spark" message rang through,,, rehabilitating my hope for a "normal" admirer..

It was Aquarious69...A 69 year old Horoscope follower and Muppet doppleganger.

(Note: Do not add "69" to your screen name for ANY reason, it's 125% extra smarmification that no decent human should want to posess.. just say'n)

I see this "sparked" Muppet and all I can think about is squishing his spongy orange nose and making him do bizarre things with his puppety "arm sticks"....

Is the subset of men in my range so saturated that I may have to settle for a Muppet or a zombie rock star with mad posing skills,,,,

'cause I will.... I tell you sweet friends, I will...And.... I'll LIKE IT!!!

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A Palooza........

2011-04-24T14:09:00.001-07:00

I think there is a problem in this world. "What is it??" you inquire, while you play scrabble with a handsome Indonesian jumping platypus named Stanley Flumple, who curiously enough, knows a lot more 6-letter words ending in double "ZZ's" than you do...

Wow you live a curious life!!

But seriously,,

It's an issue of Circus Peanuts and the horror of candy snubbery!!

What?? This IS serious!! It's a tale of discrimination and loss.....

You see, now with Easter passing us by, candy snubbery is very evident. While Peeps have certainly set their spot as "the unofficial candy of Easter",, and those weird orange wrapped ploops of oddly textured peanut butter have taken over Halloween,,,, where does this leave our beloved pastel orange and monumentally fantastic Circus Peanuts??

...... Out in the cold harsh world of the "side aisle" at Walgreens, that's where...

....Right next to the toothpasty green gum drops (which coincidentally have NO gum in them) ,, hideous black licorish and those mints that old people have been hiding in their sweater pockets or plaid twill pants since 1902.

This is no place for such a confectionary marvel I say........ NO PLACE!!!! (I repeat, pummeling a table for added effect)

I can see this is not a battle you are prepared to wage at this time. Maybe you feel it's not relevant to your life right now and feel you can overlook it.

Well,,,, I say unto you:

HAVE YOU KICKED ANY BABY HARP SEALS LATELY???

Please,, wonderful friends,,, if YOU don't stand up for Circus Peanuts NOW,, where will all of the hard working Circus Peanut farmers go?

Are YOU prepared to take them in as they try and find jobs in the underworld?? The CHILD LABOR INFESTED PEEP FACTORY underworld??

Willst you,, annonymous seal hater, wipe their orange (but strangely, banana flavored) tears of sadness as they rock back and forth cursing at the loss of their precious Circus Peanut crops??

Behold,, shall you counsel them, night after night when they see children enjoying elephant shaped animal crackers and burst out in convulsions with seething memories of the fun they once freely GAVE to the world with their OWN home grown Circus themed celebratory treats?? (or charged .99 a bag for, but whatever)

I think not!

So I suggest to you now the creation of a new holiday that rightfully celebrates the majesty and beauty of the Circus Peanut!!

Who's with me??

And since I am breaking ground creating a new holiday that will certainly be so grand as to rival other great days of celebration such as: Groundhog day and Flag day....

I might as well make up some rules and traditions that will no doubt be cherished in your home for decades to come.

But not right now,, I feel you need some time to prepare yourselves for the regality that is:

CircusPeanutPalooza!!

Teaser: It starts with the World famous "Spangler Parade"!!!

You ready?

An ODE to my Beaver....with pic....

2011-04-23T06:48:00.001-07:00

I wanted to write an inspirational post today.

Something metaphysically advanced and chock full of educationally sound information that would give you the upper hand in conversations with rocket scientists and such. I do worry about you a lot and try to think of things that will enhance your daily living conditions (You're welcome).

But,,, I am laying in bed and could'nt help but to start admiring my Beaver.

I have had my Beaver all of my life and at one point it was getting constant attention, that's not the case at the moment.... But,,, it has had a lot of loving in it's 40 years of service to me and it is amazing how these things hold up so well (even after long periods of time "in the attic").

As a teen, I kept my fascination with it more secretive because I didn't want anyone to know how much attention I gave it, I couldn't seem to go a night without showing it some sweet sweet TLC, strange for that age I suppose.

To this day it is STILL pristeen (for it's advanced age)....... and it's floofy, WONDERFULLY FLOOFY....

Some people believe Beavers should NOT be floofy, maybe it's unattractive and hindersome to "Beaver" activity,, but I think mine is perfect JUST the way it is...

Fat and floofy and ready to be played with!

I LOVE my Beaver....and so should you....

I even feel so comfortable with you as my loving followers and friends that I decided to share a discreet picture of it with you today!

.
.
.

The Invisible Seductress's Beaver!!

She's a BEAUTY!!!

As you can see it is VERY well kept and aside for a few emergency surgeries to re-attatch teeth/felt appendages and some missing whiskers, it is just like new and ready for action!!

What? REALLY????

You were thinking that I, purveyor of modesty and angelic behavior, would be posting about something else??

I am SHOCKED and flumblegusted by you!

Here I am, innocently sharing a treasure from my childhood with you, and you are thinking about a FLOOFY HOOHAW!!??

(Awkward pause)

(Cough)

FLUMBLEGUSTED I SAY!!

Weird thoughts of an overactive mind..

2011-04-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

I believe sometimes the bully is hurting more than the bullied.

I believe cotton candy would make a fabulous pillow, unless you drool a lot.

I believe the people who feel the weakest are almost always the strongest.

I believe that when I sing, my dad hears me in heaven.

I believe in blowing bubbles as therapy.

I believe a mason jar with holes poked in the top should be a kid's standard summer issue.

I believe today is the first day of the rest of my life, but if nothing great happens, obviously, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I believe you can't cry with pop rocks bursting in your mouth.

I believe we should all wear a tool belt that has a can of Reddi-whip in it, if anyone looks sad, offer them a squirt straight in the mouth.

I believe stars sing, but only if the moon is in the mood.

I believe dodge ball is the meanest game in the world..... DUCK!!

I believe every huge oak tree should have a tire swing.

I believe there is a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro (Slate blue with black racing stripes on the hood and custom black leather interior, dual exhaust with a tag that says "try me") that is supposed to be mine. If you are currently driving it, please deliver it to me soon!!

I believe a picture is worth 1,ooo words, but 975 usually are best left unspoken.

I believe Lassie only saved Timmy from the well because Timmy was the one who fed her.

I believe all Oompa, Loompa's were originally from Jersey Shore.

I believe every time I hug someone, another hug is reserved for me when I need it.

I believe milk coming out of your nose from laughter is sexy.

I believe good guys always do finish last but only because they always stop to help.

I believe God counts our every tear and sheds one with us (yes, even cartoon Hippo tears!)

I believe blogging is addictive (twitching uncontrollably)

I believe just because an item says "one size fits all", "all" shouldn't try to fit into it.

I believe the word "EPIC" is an EPIC word.

I believe "Wise" is not a really good name for a potato chip (they really aren't that intuitive)

I believe roots are never square.

I believe those who need the most, also give the most.

I believe that I actually DO care if Jimmy cracks corn.

I believe my sparkles shine brighter when I smile.

I believe my dog knew me better than most humans do.

I believe the stairway to heaven is so long, it would be hell to really have to walk up it...but I can't wait to try!

I believe Jello contains healing properties.

I believe that money can't buy happiness, but it'd be fun to try.

I believe that Unicorns exist, but they are disguised as Ninja's during the day.

I believe the name "Funiuns" was a marketing ploy as I almost never categorize my time as "fun" if I eat them.

I believe Unicorn kisses taste like cherry.

I believe there is a Smurf Utopia and I want to wear white pants and live there.

I believe that when a squirrel initiates a staring contest with a human, he is saying "Yea, that's WHAT I THOUGHT PUNK!" after he wins and runs away.

I believe while driving on a rainy night, you should always swerve to miss the toads playing in the rain.

I believe Nuttella is a crappy imitation of chocolate.

I believe at least one of these touched you.

I believe in you.... and that I am a dork!

This should'nt even BE a post!

2011-04-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I took a journey. It was a short journey. It was a journey of discovery. A trek into the mind of a self proclaimed clutzy girl. A wonderfully insightful rendition of a college slapstick comedy minus the obligatory nudity and well timed farts.

I walked into my bathroom door.

A full on, dead stopped, collision with a door that perfectly blends in with the walls at night. (facepalm)

I never shut this door, but evidently, I did last night before laying down to rest my then un-bruised sweet seductress head to dream about the cast of glee morphing into evil gummy bears and taunting all of the now also morphed American Idol sour patch kid contestants by whipping them with extreme sour straws after sadistically placing them in gummy lifesaver handcuffs and showing them their Swedish Fish (es)... eeeep!

And of course, because I am devoid of sex, David Beckham was there to set the mood with his swanging licourice.

Is that even how you spell licourice? Licorice, lickorish,, I'd spell check but David Beckham's swanging licorice is monopolizing my brain *long sigh* droooooool...

Where was I?

I never realized that my head could actually bounce off a door like a defiant ping pong ball. It rocketed off that cruelly camo'd hollow core door so severely that I was knocked to the ground in a blur of sparkles and bad karma.

I laid there on the cold tile floor rubbing my head and wondering why... Just why?

But, as often happens to me, I was given a moment of wisdom and otherwordly recognition of the universe in a divine realization that I am making you lucky people privvy to.

I realized............

It's....... PEEPS SEASON BABY!!!!!

What were you expecting? Something all phillisophicalistical or sunthin'???

Well,,,, NOT IN PEEPS SEASON BABY!!

And then, to make this moment on that cold tile, with a throbbing head, stubbed toe and sense of PEEP entitlement even MORE of an epic life changing discovery..(if that's even possible!)..

I added a well timed fart and some obligatory nudity....

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Another thought process happened.....

2011-04-03T13:05:00.001-07:00

When did this happen?

Standing here chasing a steaming hot dog around a paper plate of questionable integrity, I evaluate myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background, my synopsis of this movie was, sadly, correct.

Are we to live our lives as if they were a movie? If so, which one would it be? I wonder which network they would agree to play mine on for the masses of people seeking clarity through entertainment.

The Lifetime Channel?

I can learn to overcome abuse, betrayal and settle with medocrity there. Let's teach out children to be ruthless in the business world to get ahead. When they realize that's not what they want, we can judge them.

We all say we want simple; fireflies and popsicle smiles, green grass tickling toes and invading picnic ants as distractions. But most of us remain unfulfilled, because we have never been taught how to be.

And who is to blame?

Perhaps the Halmark Channel would be a good fit for my story.

Romance makes everything play out on a softened canvas. The music stirs with each heatened breath, we dance on hope, twirling through time. Your eyes sparkle, until they don't, and I get up to change the channel, before it hurts.

I am trying to focus on the storyline with Julia in this movie.

The hot dogs have assumed the position and accepted my dominance. The children have eaten and my paper plate's integrity, has once again, somehow, eluded me and survived the meal unscathed.

I fade out, into questions again, sorry Julia.

The Travel Channel; that's it, that's where I would be found, at one with myself through adventure.

The only time I was out of the country I noticed the air was different, however, the people were the same, still lost in pursuit of something.

Foreign words buzzed around my ears like hummingbirds to a Hibiscus flower and I stood mesmerized by this, strangely in tune with unfamiliarity.

What would I uncover on a whirlwind documentary style trip?

Stained glass reflections on grand concrete floors lay as a delicate colored lace. The smells of exotic spices rise from a mud walled hut.

Like a can opener, travel is freeing the once tightly sealed tin of my imagination.

I feel the spray of water escaping the confines of an enchanted wishing fountain that seems a mile wide. It cascades in watery greens down walls lined with chiseled sculptures of the idealized male form.

Bikes with bells and flower filled baskets amble by, transporting smiles. The now warm coin, never leaves my grasp.

I am not worthy of this wish......... (yet).....

I want a spaghetti montage, in Italy, like Julia Roberts had!

Who doesn't?

Is this really my destiny, scraping by on prayers that seem to go unacknowledged, scared to give of myself because there is so little left?

When did this happen, I question again, when did I become so alone and such a hinderance? How did I become a shell of the person I want to be?

There is only one thing worse than being a shell of who you want to be..........Realizing it........

.....and trying to fill it to no avail......

So many of us are walking around oblivious to this, but, I have been living through them and that makes me even more oblivious.

I scan Facebook to see what everyone else is doing. I smile at their family life, happiness and adventures. I add my "status jokes" to let them know I am still alive, but just barely, and admitting that here, is therapy.

The "one days" and "once upon a times" in my life are many, only overshadowed by the "what ifs" and "I shoulds".

The chapters never seem to come full circle, my sunsets linger, refusing to accept my advances of "riding off" into them.

.... But I go on.. Undeterred..

.... Still searching..

.... And so will you..

.... Until we learn to be fulfilled within ourselves..

.... And with that, we will experience true happiness..

.... But maybe,, still wanting a "spaghetti eating movie montage" in Italy..

.... And that suits me just fine..

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.......you have issues....or was that me???

2011-04-02T14:48:00.001-07:00

I had forgot about this story. I guess that was a way of coping (ahem).

But now,,, I realize you NEED to hear this! "Why?", you ask as you knit Reggae type hats for your dancing Iguana named Shasta.

"Well", I say in my best Dr.Phil tone of understanding,,, you NEED entertainment,,, because you are,,, afterall,,, knitting reggae type hats for an Iguana you named after a failing soda brand.

...and you don't even OWN an Iguana do you?

Who's weird now???

Anyway......

Me and a friend were talking about my atrocity of a vehicle and how it is robbing me blind by getting 18 mpg and how I am spending $500 a month in gas because of my commute,,,
(Please take a moment to gasp here)...

When the subject of trading came to mention,,, I explained my financial dilema and we talked about the condition of the vehicle and a wreck that I had been in.

You wanna hear about it??? Of course you do!!! Here I go...

It all started while I was breaking the law... But not really,,, I just sound sexier and all dangerous-Seductress-like saying it that way,,, but I WAS driving when I wasn't really supposed to be,,, because I'm a rebel!!! ....(and un-questionably stupid)...

I had just gotten released from the hospital after a 10 day stay. I was on some drugs but nothing drastic. I felt fine and did not have a ride home so, I drove.

I was almost home when I realized I had phased out a bit and was being mesmorized by a pair of them there truck hitch "ball sacks"(Note: You have to say this out loud and a little rednecky or you will just not do this post justice).

They were moving so softly from side to side, hanging there all saggyliscous in nature, taunting me with the lack of cooth, one faded orange ball hanging a tad lower than the other....

......when the truck stopped suddenly.

The "amply balled" hitch, penetrated my front bumper with it's steely member,,, and my PT is now left with a permanent reminder,,, that I am easily distracted,,, by freakishly large balls, that wave innocently in the wind...

Good to know....

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I notice things....

2011-03-29T17:30:00.001-07:00

I notice that the "weed" in my yard is the perfect shade of yellow that gradiates down into the center like a sunburst. I wonder,, if it had been found in a different time and place,, would it be as cherished as a rose?

I notice a little boy, with bright blue eyes, pulling on his mother's shirt to show her a picture he has drawn for her, but she is tied up in a conversation. I see his little face change from a bright light, to sadness. I wonder,, how many times have I missed my own children's excited tugs, while battling the worlds interuptions?

I notice the teenager with an overcontrolling boyfriend, pulling her away forcefully from her friends. I wonder,, did anyone take the time to tell her she is worth much more than that?

I notice the mom, pushing a shopping cart with children in tow, visibly worried about every item she places in an almost empty cart, watching the scanner and calculating it's damage, a prayer with every beep. I wonder,, do others notice me doing the same?

I see a dog, chained in a yard, surrounded by dirt, no shelter from the elements. He watches as another dog strolls by on a leash with a doting owner. I wonder,, does his heart sink with loss or is he contented to be a yard ornament?

I notice the business man, veins bursting, fist tightened as he drives his Mercedes and screams into the phone. I wonder, is the car worth the stress?

I notice my girls looking in the mirror at their bodies, questioning. I wonder, have my own insecurities jaded them already, or do I still have time?

I notice my comments when I tell bad jokes and long stories and you still read. I wonder, how did I get so lucky!

I notice the seed pods falling down from the trees like miniature helicopters in a botanical army and the dandelions sending out beautiful twirling ballerinas with every wisp of wind. I wonder, why did we ever have to grow up?

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Why I will never have sex again, By: The Blogger formerly known as : The Seductress

2011-03-29T03:44:00.001-07:00

I know why I am single now. It is all perfectly clear and I am at peace with this (cough). I need to share this with you other sangle gals, so you'll understand (if you have this affliction) why he won't put a ring on it (cough).

I had a friend try and explain it to me. I say HAD because,well, see below... She said I was, and will be, single for a long time because:

A. I am old (cough)
B. I have young children
C. I am poor
D. I still have some medical issues

But that's not really it.

And it's not because when I sleep I cover my face up to the tip of my nose, and men might think they're living with a Middle Eastern woman or a quicksand victim on her last breath, nooooo.

Nope, not because I prefer jello vats to hot tubs..

And it's not because they are worried about stray sparkle transfer because sparkles look fabulous on everyone and I am a sparkle professional, so the transfer ONLY happens when you give me butterfly kisses (totally worth the risk!).

No, it's not because I have a green olive fetish and will hand you a jar and cock my head like a puppy hearing a shreak when you don't understand that it IS dinner.

I bet you think it might be because of my authentic renditions of Broadway hits, complete with spastic choreographic moves, at random times (like after laundry is folded or a peanut butter sammie is consumed).

Is it because I have on many occasions slipped in the grocery store whilst pushing a cart only to have the cart fly out of my hands and travel un-attended down the aisles at 50 MPH and knock over huge diplays of cans?

Or the fact that I HATE being poked, but I love TO poke.

Is it because I walk into walls or burn my forehead to medium rare once a week with the curling iron?

Maybe its because I have a 70/30 drop ratio of drinks handed to me at drive-thru windows....

Perhaps it's because I tell bad jokes, but expect you to at least call me a dork when I do.

Do you think it's because when if I ever get a chance to go out, and I do "rocker-chic" hair I really could use a Wagner power sprayer for hairspray application?? (well maybe)..

Is it because I am a geek and would happily watch retro cartoons all day??

No, the reason I am single was explained to me appropriately by one of my favorite comedians.

He said that Megan Fox was undateable because she has:

BIG TOE THUMBS!!

And that......

IS A DEAL BREAKER GALS!!!

(Looking down at my thumbs sobbing) ......

dammit......REALLY!!!???

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I'm too sexy for my toiletries!! So sexy it hurts!!

2011-03-26T04:27:00.001-07:00

My son was snooping in my bathroom. This is a crime. Should'nt there be ONE private stock room for a Seductress??

Where will I hide my pleasure captives now??

But he didn't find them hidden there,,, some of them covered in green jello,,, offering straws to partake in the limey goodness,,, and smiles to me on my lonliest nights,,, Some busy studying the complexities of Spam in order to accurately recreate it for me on my every heated whim,,, One holding a loaded Sephora card,,, and the keys to a Prius,,, yet another "rugged" example with a ticket to Alaska in his back pocket ..

Woosh... now that was a close one!!

But,, he did find something else!!

ROCKETS!!

Yes, I keep a few in my cabinet just incase I want to play space man with a captive. But you may know them as Tampons. This is the exchange with my son as it went down.

Names have been changed to accentuate the obvious...

(Crinkling noise and muffled talking down the hall)

Traxx: MOM!!! I thought this was CANDY!!!

Olive Gal: No honey I am sorry, it's not, but little boys who snoop in mommies bathroom get in trouble.

T-man: But I needed a nandaid!!

Beautimus Maximus: Oh,, for what?

(He holds out a flawless finger that in his words was:
" botherin' me ta death")

Trouble: But I found THIS!!! IT'S NOT CANDY!!! IT'S A ...........ROCKET!!!

Sparklehoarder: No honey, its a thing for mommies only, please go put it back now!

(He runs back on cue and I feel like a great leader being followed by her troops......)

(running footsteps echo from down the hall in my direction)

Eating Machine: Uhhhhhhh mom (questioning tone).........I found YOUR diapers....

(Awkward silence as he holds up a sanitary napkin)

Cleopatric look a like: Well son, again that is a mommy item NOT a diaper.

My son: It's a Pamper??!!

Beauty Incarnate: No!! It is NOT it is a grown up thing... for big people only....

(My son looks at the item and the lightbulb flashes above his head, in a knowing manner he blurts out his next great discovery in life)

Cutie: OOOOOOHHHH.....................

it's a.....................................................

...Grown-UP PULL-UP!!

(facepalm)

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Cheese and Kites!! But not really......

2011-03-21T17:24:00.001-07:00

Listen.... Don't you hate when someone says "listen" before a statement? Because if I wasn't, listening that is, wouldn't even saying "listen" before speaking BE a mute point within itself?? And can a point even BE mute? Dull or POINTLESS maybe,, but mute?? But, I digress.

My life OFFICIALLY sucks!! But this is GOOD news because when your life UN-OFFICIALLY sucks you don't get the uber-cool seal to affix to your forehead!! It's bedazzled and comes in 5 fruity "scratch and sniff" smells!!

Seeeeee! You KNOW you want one!!

But listen, (evil grin),,, I was out of toilet paper, but don't judge my lack of planning yet,, I HAD 3 rolls on Friday before my kid's got ahold of them. So Sunday night when it was ALL gone, I questioned the Bermuda Triangle's that are my children's rear ends, to no avail.

I always wondered why the packages of toilet paper gasp and whimper when my children walk past. I imagine they worry about things like life expectancy and longevity as we do. They probably have "bucket lists" of celebrity or royal rears they want to service. And sitting there on the store shelf, I witness all of the packs of my brand, jump back really quick, leaving one shivering 4 pack in my reach. And then, in an act of selfishness, the neighboring packs kick the next victim harshly,and it screams for mercy as it falls onto my cart's steely cold grate.

Well thankfully,, this predicament I was in, so late on a Sunday night, had a "strip the 2-ply paper towel" solution for a while, at least until the morning when I grumbled at the kids to hold it until school.

Right before work however, I was in need!!

(Insert dramatic music here...)

So I sent the kids to the car scoping for hoarded restaraunt napkins.

SUCCESS!!

I was given a restaraunt packaged napkin and plastic utensil set!!

WOOHOOOOOOO!!

I opened my present, discarded the utensils in the trash and promptly resumed business. Seconds later, the depths of Hell ravaged my nether regions. I fumbled with the sink, splashing gallons of cold water on myself, and whatever else was in the way, as I danced in pain.

I pull the package out to investigate.

......PEPPER.......

......HOLY HALIBUT..........

.......I HAD SEASONED MYSELF!!!.........

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Brown Sugar wishes.....

2011-03-19T06:18:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was at a Meet and Greet for work. That's the part of the show when I come out and introduce my rampant amounts of professionality and inteligence to the masses in the hope that they will "buy" it and want to do business with a closet tard.

"So what could possibly go wrong in THIS scenario?" you ask, painfully aware of my unintentional and unrestrained lapses of sanity and sparkle control.

Well YES....... of course I will tell you!

It all started this one time in Band camp when....(insert wavy memory vision waves here....)

WAIT....Wrong story, this is a family blog!

I arrived and started to set up for the event after walking a thousand miles down corridors smattered with offices I knew were filled with the sexy doctors about to be smitten with the wiles of nerdom and clumsiness that are me!

But for now, I had cookies to delicately and artistically arrange, showcasing my intense detail to the unnecessary. After the authentically reproduced, chocolate chip cookie Eiffel Tower show piece complete with lighted detail was perfected, I deduced that I needed a trip to the restroom, so I sauntered down the hall to P&S (potty and sparkle).

I passed an office containing a vision of a man and moonwalked backwards to catch a second look giving him the opportunity to gawk at me should he desire. He didn't, but while shifting into drive, my leg caught the wrath of a bitter metal chair. The chair placed a pinhole run in my panty hose. I spat at the chair and continued to the restroom where in pulling up my once pristeen black panty hose, my hand raped the pinhole run. I now stood, surrounded by the violins of sadness, horrified by the now titanic sized hole in my hose.

"This certainly is NOT the first impression I wanteeeeeed!!", I sang, Broadway style, accentuated with choreographically magical dance moves, complete with imaginary tap shoes.

I knew then that my only option for the day was to slip my arm down the panty hose, stick my hand out the hole, and wave enthusiastically as if all was normal and I was a sexy well put together beast!

...That is until, at lunch, I discovered the hospital's store and the wonders of $1.99 Brown Sugar brand panty hose.....to be continued.....

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BOB!! Is that YOU???

2011-03-16T09:41:00.001-07:00

Lately my Plenty-o-fish email has been going crazy. I have not been there in a long while because I am preparing to be the neighborhood's crazy old figdgety "cat" lady (but with Iguanas), wearing Mickey Mouse sweaters and galoshes in the summer and crocheting you a sparkly toilet paper caddy ( that's how I KNOW you won't talk me out of being the crazy "non-cat" cat lady,,, I've seen your toilet paper, and it is painfully exposed!).

Truthfully I have been holding up at home and work. There is no time/finances for anything else right now, and I am so very thankful to have both a home AND work!!

On the surface, THAT sounds like a good excuse right?? It's at least better than saying:

Men scare the halibut out of me and I am WAY out of "wooing 'da pipekeeper practice"!!

RIGHT??

I should really pull my profile off of POF but it is comical reading the emails from time to time and laughing at the smarmafication of America (and also because when I get a notice text reading something like: "69SRUS Emailed you today!" , it makes me all blushy and schoolgirlish and I have to wear pigtails and plaid the next day...No, not really!)

The last few days have been filled with an influx of "Bob's" though and I am questioning my adversion to "Bob". Here is a rundown of the screen names:

Fishin'bob

Simplemanbob

Finishlinebob

Smilingbob

Plainbob4u

It's been strange that ALL of these "Bob's" have taken an interest in me in the last month. I've never dated a "Bob", but I am sure it is a nice species of manimal (I kid- I kid!!!) In fact, if all of these "Bobs" morphed into one creature I deduce it would be something similar to a Platypus and I love me a chattering Platypus!

Simplebob and Plainbob are probably twins- I do hope for "Siamese" though because that could either be EXTREMELY romantically awkward (which would put me back here with unlimited blogging potential!) -or- WILDLY romantically epic! (which would put me back here with unlimited blogging material-cough)

Fishin'bob would provide sustenance for the family and be tanned and shiny, smelling like beer and tuna all the time.

Finishlinebob would be quick to do everything-and that's good for oil changes and home repairs-(cough)-or maybe he is actually a Finnish Line-man and just forgot an "n". And although I know nothing about Finnish men, it sounds very interesting, would'nt you agree??

Then we have Smilingbob, he gets props for perfect screen name annunciation patterns (unlike Fishin' bob,, hmmpf) and would always laugh at my stupid jokes and tickle my perfectly painted piggies and he smells like puppy kisses.

All in all, "Bob" sounds like a wonderful match for me and my Iguanas and half finished toilet cozy's...

So to my special, special, Siamese twin, shiny, sustenance bringing, Finnish, puppy breath, toe tickling, Platypus Bob Manimal, wherever you are.......

Call me!!! (I say while doing that uber-cool finger phone thingy with my hand)

.....and lets sit in a vat of Green Jello together whilst performing Opratic renditions of Bon Jovi's greatest hits and trying to lovingly stare into each other's eyes through our green olive and pineapple exclusive spa type eye treatments.

Oh, you don't like Green Jello??

Damn it,, I'm gonna be single forever!!!

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David Beckham and SPAM...mmmmmmmm

2011-03-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

You know, I was thinking. I tend to do that when I least expect it. Of course with my immense intelligence levels, this is a gift and a curse. Maybe that's why I will never fairly win a staring contest, words zip up through my peripheral lobes and force me to question, research or merely ascertain my opponents weaknesses. And then I either burst out into a spitting laughter or flash him to disarm his defenses. The "flash" immobilizes him and he loses focus. Once he's done incorrectly answering the mathematic problems on said flash cards, I have already won.... (what,,,, OH,,,, suki suki now,,, you thought I was flashing my ladylights?? Nah, people never bring beads to a staring contest OR a mathmatical gathering of the minds,,, there would be no reason to flash,,,,, duh!)

OK, so maybe I am not THAT smart, maybe quirky and "off the cuff" could define me.

But you are supposed to be on my side here, so let's move on..

Anyway, I was thinking that I possibly have missed my calling. With these days of YouTube overnight stardom, you have to wonder how many of us have secret talents and skills that would blow someones mind and propel us to instant YouTube fame.

But how exactly does a fellow find out that he can suck a gallon of lemmoncello vodka and fruit infused jello shots up his nostril through a bendy straw while releasing it, pineapple chunks and all, through the other nostril and down 2 flights of stairs in a clear tube that is stragically placed in the mouth of his drunken mowhawked friend???

So it would seem to me that I have a lot of research to do.

You know, figuring out if I can fart the alphabet while wearing a cocktail dress with a Barnie suit underneath and a pug lovingly humping my oversized purple tail..

Or possibly if I can snort food coloring and then sneeze priceless pieces of artwork.

Tonight however, I will be seeing how intriquitely and physilogically detailed I can carve day old SPAM into a 50ft statue of David Beckham with pimentoless green olive details.

Surely that's YouTube -AND-Food Channel Challenge worthy,, wouldn't you agree???

STILL..Poor as a church mouse with a dirrrty conscience remix....

2011-03-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

I am. Yep, that's me, a sexy hot mouse, and poor, except no dirrrty conscience because my halo, she is still-a-shinin'!! See it? The pureness that flows from me is inspiring, inspiring me to SNORE!! But let's get back to the whole concept of POOR. I is, and I know I am not alone, I am sure plenty of you (like me) are stealing packs of ketchup, mild taco sauce, and Sporks (just because I love me a good Spork) from Taco Bell, only to take it home and add it to hot water to make Mexican "Spicy" Tomato soup for dinner (nom nom cough spit). Oh you don't? I see. Well I guess that you are not separating two-ply toilet paper then either are you? Hmmmpf. This means that I win the ~~Pathetic Existence Award~~ Frugality Award for 2010!!! (May I suggest a prize package of toilet paper and Campbell's Tomato soup? .. And maybe some crackers and a tube of the New and Improviest Mascara....).

But here are some things I have learned lately being poor... Enjoy them FOR FREE!!!

No matter what you do with bologna it will never taste like steak (or chicken) (or hamburger) (or steak-ums), but it does come close to really stale dried out SPAM-WOOOHOOOO!!

Mascara addiction is a REAL DISEASE, with withdraw symptoms, Dr. Drew won't help me but, I think I'm gonna need a patch

"Kitchen Sink" casseroles should only be attempted by people with culinary prowess

Being poor is a skill no one wants to study or master

Off brand window cleaner sucks

Dish Network with a "limited" channel package is like a S'more with no chocolate

In Florida, putting your air at 78 Degrees yields a ridiculous bill and much glistening

Home Owner Association members NEVER have problems that prevent them from mowing their yards

Walking to the store with a 4 year old to save gas was a good idea.... ONCE

"Fresh" Strawberries in a can are NOT

Chef BOYARDEE was not a real chef

Things only sell when you want the money to purchase a bigger better thing and not when you need it to survive

It's worth it to buy a decent toilet paper that doesn't disintegrate in your hands

Cheap sliced cheese resembles puss when melted

I miss perfume and sex (they kinda go together in my mind)

Bright nail polish on my piggies still makes me feel spoiled

Paying for things with change irritates people

Shampoo can be mixed with water half/half if you never want your hair to feel clean

Sending a bill for payment with a check you didn't sign (by mistake) only irritates people and gets things cut off faster (the gig is up)

The "Clover Valley" brand at Dollar General tastes GREAT if you cock your head while eating it and think about McDonald's strawberry milkshakes

Dr. Pibb should kick Dr. Thunder's ass for the assumption of similarity

Short story time kiddies!! Gather 'round!!

When you work at a bank, it is common for non-customers to come in without ID wanting to cash a check drawn on the bank. They will almost always say:

" But, I need the money to go GET an ID!!"

The other day I passed Walgreens and they had a Blood donor truck there. They were offering a $10 Walgreens gift card for a donation. I tried to give but was turned away because of my low iron levels.

This is the method I used with the Blood bank girl:

"But, I need the money to go GET Iron Infused Multi Vitamins!!"

She was a smart one though, not falling for my scheme..

"can I just have a cookie then?"

"juice?"

"fashionable Red Cross logo apparel??"

"A letter of recommendation to give blood in the future?"

(awkward silence)

"Don't call anyone, I'm leaving"

(on the way out)

"Dammit kids, there goes our 150 packs of Ramen Noodles!!"

While supplies last!!

I hope your day is rich with smiles and hugs and Green Olives!!! ...and maybe some SPAM!!!

Battles from the confectionary underground...

2011-03-03T17:24:00.001-08:00

Battles are everywhere-but those of us with (ahem) an overactive mind, can imagine even the most mundane of inanimate objects could face off in comedic, nonsensical and very EPIC confrontations. I see with my "special" eyes that, thar lays-a-brewing---a war that will change the lives of millions -NAY- billions of people.

I give you:

Battles from the confectionary underground.......

See.....See with your special eyes! (or buy from 1-800-contacts)

(Insert heart poundingly dramatic riff here along with Sean Connery's buttery soft voice for full cinematic blog experience).

IN A WORLD WHERE MARSHMALLOW IS KING.....

AND THE KING...........IS.......

.........A MARSHMALLOW...................................

THERE IS A CONFRONTATION OF EPICALLY EPIC PROPORTIONS

........(said with an epic voice).......

BREWING......... IT IS:

THE BATTLE OF ULTIMATE HOT COCOA SUPREMECY!

... earlier this week the proponents of this battle (regular sized marshmallows and minis) sat around a huge Moonpie table discussing the boundaries of marshmallowy treat branding rights.

If you were a fly on the wall, you would have overheard heated exchanges such as:

"Look minis, you guys OWN the Ambrosia and Watercress fruit salads and reign in Rocky Road type delectables, we DEMAND Hot Chocolate branding or there will be much fluff lost in battle!"

(A squeaky little mini stands up and pounds the Moonpie table top for dramatic effect)

"You got S'mores AND Rice Krispy Treats,, the OTHER ultimate marshmallowy branding prizes!! Let US have the Cocoa rights...

...and we'll let you still be chocolate fondue's favorite bitch!!"

Just then, the smallest of uninvited voices started to speak in unison:

"meeeeeeeeep meeeepity meep meep meep"

Everyone in the room stopped for a moment to acknowledge the littlest and least respected of the marshmallow species----- they were the dehydrated marshmallows ALREADY pre-packaged in cocoa packets world wide. They feel they ALREADY have Hot Chocolate branding ordinance.

They draw a perverbial line in the cocoa (battle).

I will translate, as they speak only in the language of minuteian.

"meep meep meeeeeep meep meeeep meeeep"

"We must stop wishing that we were created by a Leprechaun in many many magical shapes and cherished by children world wide as they seperate us from the blandness of the sweetened corn cereal to enjoy us purely for our wondress offerings----- for that would be the "charmed" life and THIS is our reality!!!"

(Sorry, they get wordy in their inferiority.....)

"meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

"This is ALL we have!!! Be of kind heart and allow us; the RIGHTFUL residents of the "marshmallow lovers" package, to have our MEEEEEEEEEEPING glory!!"

Tears filled the room----- but only from the bulbous eyes of the dehydrates.

And with that, the battle lines are drawn. Fancy toothpicks and armour made of that crackle chocolaty ice cream topping will be donned and.....YES.......

There will be much fluff lost in:

THE EPICALLY EPIC ULTIMATE BATTLE OF HOT COCOA SUPREMACY!!

....in theaters this spring.......tip your bloggers!!!! And try the veal!! I'm here all week wakka wakka wakka!!

To all the Warriors!

2011-02-27T06:08:00.001-08:00

Ever feel like all you have been doing lately is fighting "life" battles but you never seem to be equipped with the proper weaponry necessary to battle each formidable challenger????

Nothing like facing down an army of pink balloon poodles with the sharpest of Samurai Swords only to next stand in the heated breath of a scowling dragon, armed only with a sewing needle.

But I believe in you, you sexy Ninja you!

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The Gerbil's Code of Ethics: Rule #3

2011-02-24T02:40:00.001-08:00

Yes-the kid that picks you up by the tail is an ass-and-yes- by all accounts- he DOES deserve to be bitten.... But..... being flung by said tail across the room and smacking into the wall is not a more desirable outcome than hanging out "Matrix" style for a quick spell. The only exception is when there is a chance that the resulting fling would result in your landing square on the head of a skittish elderly person-and then- for selfish comedic value alone-it is worth the harrowing trip.

May I further advise that this elderly head landing is the appropriately hilarious time to commence with a rapid fire pooing?

It has been documented that adequate entertainment outside of the wheel, is crucial to maintaining Gerbil sanity.

Never lose an opportunity for hilarity and destruction or you may end up in the corner with a crazy eye pretending your butt is a gumball dispensor.

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Poetry at night...

2011-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

Treading water, standing still,
go fight your own battle, or someone else will.
Empty screaming, darkened rain,
your days are heavy, but you're to blame.
Scratching wounds, bleeding hearts,
go dig your grave, or forge new starts.
Weakened words, voices lost,
there must be victory, no matter the cost.

The walls are all padded and the jello is ALWAYS free...

2011-02-22T05:16:00.000-08:00

I like pickles in the morning, I crave green Olives in the rain..
I love to giggle in the bad times, I like to laugh away the pain..
I think Mime's are a really scary, I pray my wallet will get fat..
I have big hair like a rock star, and eat green Jello by the vat..
I may sound a little crazy, But I know im just like you..

...because you came to read this "poem".....

...and you laughed a little too.

........curtsy.......bow.......curtsy bow......and more bowing and ducking from the roses being thrown at my feet because that is how dang great this poem is. perhaps you should start bragging that you actually know the author of this prose and that she really is brilliantly living with her insanity and other world beauty..and except for the fact that her droid will not allow her to properly punctuate or capitalize her posts...she is adapting well to her newly formed and painfully self imagined fame...

There's an app for that!

2011-02-21T15:43:00.001-08:00

I feel really blessed to have found the way to post. With that being said, you would think I would have something to say that is genuinely amazing and for all intended purposes the most exciting thing you will read today!

But sadly, that is not the case.

Although words ARE swirling in my head like pink cotton candy----- they will not change your life---- they will not enter your head and refuse to leave as they resonate so deeply with you they sting like Justin Beiber ringtone.

But they might just make you feel warm and fuzzy----

Fuzzy like when you are curled up wearing footed PJ's on the velvety soft underbelly of a sweet gigantic bunny who smells like jasmine and strokes your hair softly whilst he sings you to sleep and orders his flop earred minions to make you fresh mozzarella cheese sticks and ice cold beer served in the finest of stemware.

Warm like the time you were swimming in the shallow side of the public pool and as you serenly dog paddle past a kid who looked perfectly contented just moments before---- you realize that you are currently enjoying the comfort of HIS liquified body temperature on your skin.

Warm AND fuzzy like nuzzling up in the underarm of a Sasquatch who just got out of the tanning bed to color his bare rear because he is obsessed with Jersey shore and desires to dress you up like Snookie and feed you pickles by the glow of a neon sign that is incessantly blinking: Hot Donuts~~ Hot Donuts~~ Hot Donuts~~ Hot Donuts!! (I must take a moment to share with you my excitment of being able to use the "~" sign.. I was not previously privvy to the "~" sign, and now I am jubilant to share the "~" sign with you!!)

I only wish I could give that warm fuzzy amazing post to you-- but instead-- I filled your head with sweet warm desirable moments that might never happen in real life--

--- except for the pool infraction-- you know THAT'S already happened to you!!

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Gerbil Code of Ethics-Rule 2

2011-02-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

Gerbil code of ethics- Rule 1

2011-02-15T02:02:00.000-08:00

Well the new DROID will let me write a title at least! I'm so cornfused!

2011-02-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

....in case you were wondering what the "manly" purple unicorn from my last post looked like....

2011-01-06T12:07:00.001-08:00

ANGUS

Hobo girl say WHAT??????...and a very manly purple unicorn story..

2011-01-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

Oh, my... I wanted to be missed as I wander in to this library, peeping in on all of my blog buddies who seem to have moved on without me. What, wait, how could they??? I mean really WHO could NOT miss ramblings about Circus Peanut Farmers and my lack of sex with anything I mean anyone,I mean anywho? What? See....this is PRICELESS STUFF FOLKS!

Things in Seductressville have been quite interesting, as soon as I grasp on to a tiny ledge, my foothold slips and I tumble down to the cold water filled with shaving cream and floating hot dog buns. (Or maybe that was just the time I dreamt I was on Wipeout, that was a fun, fun night, I had relations with a Unicorn, or maybe that was the night I dreamt of all of you circling me while holding hands and sitting cross legged, painted entirely in blue and swaying in a sulty unison with all the other naked "Avatar" natives. We were playing a weird game of row-row-row your boat when you all presented me with a VERY manly purple Unicorn named Angus, that has a Seductress fetish and dons reins made out of red twizzlers.)

*shrugs*

..what do you dream of?

But to be quite cereal with you, I have had good news,, please sing the following phrase in your best Celine Dion voice:

A job, A real life job!!!!

After getting sick of being overlooked for a Lending job because of my medical bills (even though they did not check the report, only got the score) I called the Human Resource office and told them that they would really be missing out on talent if they did not at least call me in for an interview to show them why they needed me. (I then went and threw up because I had had enough stress for the day and I thought I may have sounded rude or arrogant)

She said: "It was your tenacity that secured the first interview!"

I say: "It was the sparkles that got me the job!!"

Housing is still a huge problem, I will have to be patient and just be the best behaved sparkly Hobo girl for now. And soon I will save enough for all the security deposits and such. But I now am able to see the light at the end of the perverbial tunnel, (or maybe that was just when I was dreaming I was being abducted (and I DO mean abducted) by aliens named SamSung at the end of a funky disco lazer display while it ACTUALLY snowed, snowcap candy. I stood for hours with my mouth open collecting them like snowflakes on my tongue until the leader "SungSam" came and tied me up to a jar of peanut butter (it wasn't even jif, the horror!!) and dipped my toes in jelly (yes, Smuckers, OF COURSE! What else would they use?). They then had a "peanut butter" filled "paint ball" contest.

....The alien that covered each sweet spot,,,,, won.....BREAD, and a date with me to utilize it..

I'm gonna go take a nap now.

I miss you all. So until I can sneak into a library again after a "hooker bath", I wish for all the women, a fantastic manly purple unicorn day!! And to the men,, a suggestion

Buy purple paint and twizzlers soon please!!

Last post...for a while.... I will miss you!!

2010-12-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Last post for a while folks. You can email if you would like jaley3@gmail.com. Having to shut things down here and not sure where the wind will blow. I will try and get in to the Library to check on all of my blog family.. I love all of you for the laughs and support!! Happy New Year!!!

Behold, I give you: The Circus Peanut

2010-12-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

I would like to bring up a very important and socially relevant issue: Circus Peanuts. Now I know some of you are shaking your heads and questioning the logic behind a Circus Peanut being important or relevant in any conversation, but just hear me out. We give Circus Peanuts no consideration in the candy aisle. Many of you don’t even notice the fresh bag of peanuts you are passing buy at Walgreen’s and the crystallized sugar tears the Circus Peanut manufacturers shed due to the lack of patronage given to their pride and joy candy product. I feel it necessary to give you some things to think about the next time you shrug off this delectable confection made from the syrup of the heavens. And since it is the holiday season, think of the joy you will bring to your loved ones with a stocking full of Circus Peanuts!!

Let’s start our thesis with a look at the product’s name- CIRCUS PEANUT.

The name alone screams:

!! H A P P Y !!

I mean who is NOT happy at the Circus? (Except maybe the elephants, but they do look pretty contented when they are mowing over their abusers on a terrifying rampage!) And yes, maybe there is a clown or two whose face is PAINTED sad, but I am sure they are ALL smiling on the inside!! I know, I know, SOME kids are frightened of The Worlds Fattest Bearded Woman (with lobster claw hands), especially when she is married to The Worlds Shortest Man (who also is tattooed to look like an alien), but those people are happily in love and isn’t this more of a poor social acceptance issue, rather than a “I hate the circus” point?

Everybody loves a freaking circus!

And speaking of names, for the Circus Peanut to actually be named out of shape alone and NOT ingredient, well, that took a lot of kerbangers I’d say! There is nary a peanut product in a “Circus Peanut” but their trademark shape takes up the slack and fulfils any assumed name requirements.

I have never heard anyone complain about the lack of peanut product in a Circus Peanut and yes, children deathly allergic of peanuts can consume this product freely and feel normal for just a brief moment in time by saying:

“I am eating a PEANUT and NOT dieing or puffy!!”

(I need a minute here, this is a very emotional thing the Circus Peanut has done!)

What other product can do THAT???

Circus Peanuts also NEVER spoil, they crystallize, so if you are not storing pounds of them in your hurricane/bomb shelter, than you are missing out on the sustenance worthy of kings and queens and can eat beans for all I care, yes, the ones with the fake hot dog slices.

As an added bonus, if you ever wanted to sleep upon a therapeutic mattress but don’t have the financial ability to purchase one, Circus Peanuts make a lovely bedding alternative! They are the same exact consistency as memory foam and release a bonus whiff of sweet, sweet air with every usage. Also, to those of you who have ever had a strange dream and woke up in disgust chewing on your pillow, this would never be a problem with a Circus Peanut Pillow:

The outcome is ALWAYS sweet!!

I know I have given you a lot to think about and process, I would like to thank you for your time.

I sincerely hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of true confectionery bliss.

The pursuit of happiness dating Supeheroes! (stealing their powers, to rule the world! The WORLD I SAY!!! (and a little for Superhero sex)

2010-12-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

My Superhero self

After the first somewhat failed attempt at dating only Superheroes, (to steal their powers and take over the world... and also a little to get laid by a Superhero et. all), and since the above picture represents me as a Superhero, I decided I needed to take a more educated look at my next ~~victims~~ lucky pursuers and possibly get an expert.

To do this I did research on a few clairvoyant Superheroes that might be willing to work with me on this project.

I sent out a cry for help, my emergency signal to the world, a beacon of light which could be seen from millions of miles away!

It looked like this:

Yes, I thought it would be a little sexier too, or maybe even a Green Olive with fabulous sparkles, a green Jello cup would have been nice too, but this really goes to show ya, you really have to watch what signals you are sending the world!!

Rupaul came as quickly as a baby comet on acid! I was a little confused too, but I do think maybe he COULD have superpowers because he does look better in spandex than a lot of women do. But,, I was swiftly corrected, the Superhero I was ACTUALLY dealing with, was:

SNOWBIRD

Not to be confused with:

RUPAUL

Weird right?

Anyways, I quickly apologized for my lack of couth in the mix-up and Snowbird took me back into her flock (as well as under her large masculine, surprisingly downy wings).

This was our conversation:

IS- Firstly, thank you very much for coming to my rescue!

SB- Will there actually BE any Circus Peanuts in this transaction or was that just a ploy to facilitate your sexual needs Seductress?

(awkward silence)

IS- I have the Circus Peanuts you are inquiring about Snowbird, I do not wish to mislead you, I felt that your clairvoyant skills and abilities to see the future might aid me in finding a suitable Superhero companion. On the last attempt I foolishly invited The Tick.

(Snowbird begins laughing)

SB- How'd that work out for you?

IS- The visit was somewhat fruitless. Although, The Tick DID deliver a very nice spoon bath, he is not much for marketable Superpowers OR intelligence.

SB- Did you evaluate his, uh, MALE MORTAL attributes as well?

IS- I did not.

(another awkward silence is interrupted by Snowbird's "Tick Member Measurement" demonstration using her wide outspread arms and many winks)

IS- REALLY????? Well, I'm Gobsmacked!!!!

SB- Well I did not come here to make you regret your lack of knowledge on the size or girth of a Superhero's member, what is it you need me to do for you EXACTLY?

Snowbird adjusts herself, and I am confused again, but must move on...

IS- (ahem) Snowbird, I thought you could use your clairvoyant skills to locate a few suitable Superheroes for me based on what you see in my future.

SB- A loser's dating game? A Catlady's LAST chance for mortal mating? A game of Old Maid.....

IS- I DON'T have any cats Snowbird!!!! This is just a PREPARED woman, making plans to take over the world!!!

(My theme music plays in the background, perfectly choreographed with the crackling of lightening strikes shooting from my now angered fingers, or,, at least that's how I remember it and you should really visualize it that way to experience the most enjoyment from this post)

SB- Dear sweet Spinster, Seductress....

IS- I have CHILDREN SnowBird, a spinster DOES not! They do not have children, which I DO and NO cats, may I remind you, I have NO cats!

SB- Whoa,,, CALM DOWN, INVIZZY!!! I see it now,,, You REALLY need to get laid!!!

IS- (cough)....Yes, and by a Superhero, it's the only way to separate them from their powers, can you help??

SB- I can. I will gather 3 Superheroes possibly worthy of de-cob-webbing your woman-lair, and we will have a meet and greet. Yes. This is promising!! A Superhero dating game of sorts, with me as the host, most DELICIOUS!!!

IS- AWESOME!! {{{whispers}}}...perhaps maybe the Tick could come back for another go, due to new pertinent information about his Superhuman capabilities and an openness to giving love a second chance??

(Snowbird starts laughing again)

SB- Dear, The Tick has been rocking back and forth in his jammies since the last time he met you, it IS true that he is endowed VERY nicely, it just scares him every time it, uh, makes an uprising, your blue heaving chest and lighted nipples were just too much for him!

IS- Oh, I see, but, maybe, I coul....

SB- NO! I will present you with your Superhero suitors soon. Whiten that smile, shave those legs, and start this extensive Kegal work-out dear! I will drop off my thigh master in a few days as well. Even though she is a mere mortal, EVERY Superhero STILL loves Suzanne Somer's Thighs!!

IS- Oh my, who knew???

Snowbird hands me a booklet with extensive Kegal workout instructions to build my sexual strength, and Kama Sutra: The Superhero Edition.

She then flies off, carrying a bulk sized bag of Circus Peanuts as advance payment for services to be rendered.

I sit now in the dark, rocking, and contemplating The Tick's Male Mortal Attributes for a few more hours.

....to be continued

The year was 1902. It was the last time I would have sex with a mere mortal.

2010-12-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

**Names, dates, positions, orgasms, color, smell, sounds, locations and fruit are all fictitious. Any resemblance to actual characters is purely coincidental and BTW, it probably was NOT you, no, no it COULD have been YOU there in the blue spandex, YES YOU, THAT'S A NICE POWER PACK!!! But it was certainly NOT YOU there wearing the khakis and sandals! **

I decided at that last mundane sexual rendezvous in 1902 to pursue a different type of man, a man with the strength of 100 steaming locomotives, a man that can leap over tall buildings with a single bound, or just buy me green olives and mascara.

I will, from this time on, ONLY date Superheroes!

And I would capture their superpowers for my own usage.

This journal outlines the pros and cons of dating men with super human powers versus the average Joe (excluding GI Joe of course). I donned my own superhero garb (sparkles and leather) and "The Invisible Seductress" is now a comic book world reality.

The first hero I pursued was:

THE TICK

Here is his BIO:

The Tick seems to have no memory of his life before being The Tick, and indeed not much memory of anything; possibly due to frequent head injuries. In the original comic series, The Tick is apparently legally insane, having escaped from a mental institution located not too far from The City. He is well-intentioned, friendly, good-natured, high-spirited, frequently obtuse, and prone to quipping odd, dim remarks and "inspirational" speeches filled with bizarre metaphors. The Tick is known for his nonsensical battle cry, "SPOOOOOOOON!" which he decided upon one day while eating breakfast (specifically, the cereal Drama Flakes).

The Tick's superpowers are nigh-invulnerability, which allows him to crash and bang about without injury (though not necessarily without pain), super strength, and something referred to as "Drama power," or basically a tendency for The Tick's powers to increase as the situation becomes more dramatic. One of his only weaknesses is that he cannot keep his balance if his antennae are removed.

On date night, we decided that we should meet in an alley because Tick felt I should see him in his "natural" surroundings, being a hero.

This is our first meeting:

IS: Well Tick it is defin....

Tick: SPOOOOOOOON!

IS: That was one of my favorite episodes, I love your battle cr.....

Tick: SPOOOOOOOOOON!

I flash the Tick to catch his attention, I have painted my boobs blue to attract him to me even further, part of my diabolical plan to capture his super powers, taking them for my own.

Tick: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!

IS: Yes, you like BOOOOOOOBS, don't you Tick? Will you be changing your battle cry now?

Tick: BOOOOOOOOBS on SPOOOOOOOONS!!!

The tick shakes his head an looks down at his suave blue uni-tard to a rising matter of importance.

Tick: Arthur really needs to see THEEEESE, you may just be holding the secret to my everlasting-strength, My suit feels tighter around you, {{{{{{{{ARTHUR}}}}}}}}} Please come and see the secret to wielding my power stick!

Arthur flies down and stops dead in his tracks staring directly at my blue heaving chest, no one should EVER stare directly at my blue heaving chest!

IS: Good evening Arthur, I know you are the brains behind this operation, I have been waiting to meet you. Perhaps we should talk under a BRIGHT light. I have something to offer you.

Arthur: Uh, Tick, did you check this girl out? I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable.

Tick: She was on the dating site I frequent: Single Women Pursuing World Domination. It said she was a Sag with vivacious plans to rein supreme over evil and idiotic men, she loves puppies and dancing in the rain and, and, and......She has a SPOOOOON collection Arthur!!!!

A whole COLLECTION!!!

IS: Arthur,,,, look at the lights....Looooooook!

I turn my nipple lights on to the brightest setting, reeling Arthur in, they flash in unison to the song "Hero" by Nickelback.

Arthur: Oh, I- I- I- like boooooobies, but,,, Not in the face!! Not in the Face!!!

The two are now under the trance of The Invisible Seductress, I toy with their antennae to further lure them to my lair.

After I have my way, I sprinkle them with the sparkles of contentment (which, by the way are aqua colored and just fabulous with dark blue eyeshadow!)

And then I send them out into the harsh night, none the wiser.

Now that I have captured the super powers of The Tick and Arthur, I do a quick check of my new strengths and deduce that next time, if I want to rule the world, I shall have to commandeer the superpowers of greater "heroes".

I start my research and stake-out watching a hero no doubt worthy of my attention:

Mister Fantastic!!

Please enjoy this bonus video from The Tick:

I HOPE NOT!!! THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF!!!!!! (best line ever!)

May I spoon some applesauce off your wife's orthopedic walking shoe?

2010-12-16T06:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is ACTUALLY the title of today's post!!

I have noticed something lately. I have not been clumsy in the last few months! This is a real breakthrough as usually I am walking into walls and using large glass jars filled with miscellaneous items as offerings to the cold W-mart concrete floor. I'm the girl that drops something and then as I try to pick it up, I kick it 3 feet ahead of me. Usually there are an average of three kicks and much spawn laughter until I sigh and say "Just get it, OK?!! Unless you would enjoy an extremely long stroll home, Mrs. Makesfunofmom!! (this is her Indian name)!!"

Well to me, going to the store at Christmas time is torture. Once I am in their however, I tend to roam aimlessly and scream "Oooooh,, shiny thing!!" because I was a crow in my former life. Being poor exasperates this as I know: I can haz no shiny things... (this is where you and I pout together and then you throw me a green olive from a few feet away and we celebrate that I caught it in my mouth as I did a triple back flip and an arabesque because, lucky for you, I wore my bedazzled Tu-Tu today!)

The girls want to buy things for their friends for Christmas, which I understand, but having no funds to back this up I have to get creative with my thinking and rope them into lesser items.

"So, how many friends are we talking about, DramaGirl?"

"Let me count" (insert Jeopardy theme)

Her eyes glaze over as her head tilts back and she goes into a trance where only her fingers and lips are moving. I stare at her feeling defeated every time a finger gets pointed and quickly calculated into the figure.

"17, and,,,,, maybe a FEW boys."

"There will be NO BOY GIFTING,,,UNLESS he is offering me cattle for your hand in marriage!"

(you see, I have figured out that my humor DOES have an audience, but it is normally NOT my children, yet still I expose them to it, because they are my only captive audience..)

"Huh? Cattle? What's wrong with you, mom?"

(these are the after-effects of "unqualified captive audience" humor, as you can see it's not very gratifying for me.)

"Never mind!"

(I now do the ceremonial plane trip with fingers over her head)

"How about you MsDebate?"

"17"

"Really? How did it just so happen that you have the SAME amount of close friends? Will I be getting any cattle with THIS transaction?"

(awkward silence as I hope the eldest would pick up on my humor attempt)

"I don't even know what you are talking about right now mom,,, seriously?!?!"

"Can we make them something?" I say in an attempt at being frugal.

(The following statement was said with heaping amount of disdain)

"Like a CRAFT????"

( I was not aware that this option had been officially rated "L" for --L-A-M-E--- by the pre-teen association of America, but it is! You may want to notate this if you have pre-teens!)

I smile, and once again insert undetected humor with a large amount of fake enthusiasm.

"YES, toilet paper cozies with pink yarn pom-pom's!!!!!!!"

"AGAIN, I don't even know what you are talking about, mom".

"Maybe food???"

MsDebate looks at me sweetly, as she touches my arm in a condescending way and says:

"If it will be burned, like normal, then NO...."

"NO mom!!!!" Squeals DramaGirl, in her typical over reactive manner.

"I won't burn it..." I say defeated as I stand wishing I would have eaten my young at birth.

Both children perk up to the thought of making food and eating the damaged food specimens. I perk up to eating copious amounts of raw cookie dough with no regard to my safety, thinking salmonella is also a fun word to say!

Food is always good, have you ever had anyone turn down a plate of cookies? I mean Fruitcake maybe, but not cookies or candies..

So the plan is set into motion.

"But Seductress", you ask while caressing my blog page: "I thought this post was about being clumsy" you say, curious of my lack of post continuity, and as you continue,,, YOU MOCK ME BY SAYING:

"I don't even know what you are talking about right now, Seductress!"

*sigh*

Here ya go....

Before I leave the store, I drop a jumbo sized jar of applesauce. It falls directly on its bottom, spewing forth a 360 degree volcano strength eruption. The 150 snowbirds in the aisle buying dried prunes and sugared dates have now been christened with applesauce from their shins downward. Here is a basic chart of their unhappiness, cleverly drawn in the form of an apple:

My children quickly walk away from me, the pool of sacrificial applesauce and the jaded Snowbirds. I smile and do that cute little "sorry" finger wave as "CLEAN UP AISLE 12" blares over the sound system, interrupting the jovial Christmas tunes.

Now....Off to buy supplies to make you Toilet Paper cozies with pink yarn pom-pom's!!!

Some people get (ahem) frisky on chilly winter days!! (Warning: GRAPHIC IMAGERY included)

2010-12-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

So I turned on my TV and we were having a severe weather warning. Apparently here in Florida this is a major deal. I hope nobody panics and gets the chains out for their tires or even worse this starts a Snuggie invasion (although I do hear there are some new fashionable designs!)!!

BUT

Because I heart my men followers
I need to issue a warning them and all who love them!!

It seems that there are other more serious issues we need to focus on this winter. I had never known that one of the scary side-effects of cold weather for men is a grand case of blue chilly balls!! I want to thank my local news station for making me aware of this.

Please be empathetic to the men in your life through these freezy winter days!

(not actual size)

I really hope it's not just me who sees the BIG picture here? Because THAT would be embarrassing!!! Now, I must go giggle like a teenage girl because this has been on my TV for hours and it is still making me laugh. It's gonna be a long day!!!!!

Friends don't let friends be depressed...

2010-12-08T05:14:00.000-08:00

Let me be the designated depressed friend.

This is Gooble

And Gooble ALWAYS looks like this.

He is a character from Yo Gabba, Gabba and every time he comes on the show DJ Lance who looks like this:

..... has to explain to the other characters, who look like this:

..... why he is ALWAYS sad and no fun to be around. He goes on to explain that we need to accept our friends for what they are and still love them. The only other one who ever gets sad and fittish on a regular basis is Brobee:

I understand why Brobee is sad, the opening theme song says nice things about each character UNTIL it gets to Brobee. And it introduces Brobee in a whiny tone as: "The little green one". That's not much of an identity to feverishly cling onto. But still he trollops along and almost never bites or hits like a good role model.

I have friends that are down, I know the world seems dim to a lot of people (especially during the holidays) and I hate to see that. And look around and pay attention, it's easy to spot. I try to lift everyone around me up because for some strange reason even though I am petrified of my future, I feel useless if I am not positive. So I am a listener an empathetic non-judgmental ear for any who needs it. I don't share my reality with people like I do here. Possibly because I don't like seeing people's eyes shift into sad and worrisome. I will keep my mouth shut and just deal with each blow as it comes. Some how I am still standing, at night I collapse into tears and re-energize for the next day full of hope.

I would much rather you lust over me and my sparkles and perfectly applied mascara or have milk coming out of your nose because I am so danged funny (I am, what???? I don't remember ASKING you if you thought I was funny, I am stating facts and you are being hurtful....Timeout...1 minute for every year of your age! Hmmpf---but then come back and read the rest).

So now I am asking you to let me be your designated depressed friend. E-mail me if you need to talk, anonymously, or otherwise. If you feel alone. If the night stays dark too long. If it seems no one is REALLY listening, I will. I may not have solution. I can't financially bolster anyone. And it's not a physical hug that I can offer (sadly). But I can support you and tell you bad jokes. It may be all I have to offer but believe me, if you don't have that, you will be surprised at how much better it feels just talking about things with someone who cares.

A few months ago I started another blog: Here

The theory behind it was for people to have an outlet for unbiased opinion of their situations. They could email me anonymously and I would re-create their problem/question in the form of a short story and open the comments to respectful advice and support NOT BASHING (I would moderate). I am hoping to have some followers there so that I can selfishly feel like I am doing SOMETHING to help people and not feel like a slub. So yes, selfishly I need help too. Not being able to outreach and help others like I want is one of the hardest things for me.

I don't know where I will be in a few weeks, a lot has to change, but I will always take what my followers/friends have given freely to me here in blogland and be better because of it.

And for that, I thank you!

And now for a word from our sponsor:

Finally the carrots get tummy love!!! So yummy, so yummy!!

They show this clip to the patients of Celebrity Rehab to shock them into understanding food is NOT supposed to sing with you. So far it has not been successful as the patients realized hallucinations are freaking fun!! I'm having one now about a fresh green olive... Oh you Sexy alcoholic fruit beast you!! grrrrrrrrrrr

Well Shave me and slap a MUPPET! (sexy repost I took down because I thought it was too sexy once, but now I'm a skank, sooo)

2010-12-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

I got the newest edition of Cosmopolitan. Now I know that I am not the demographic they are reaching out for (example demographic provided below):

Polly Poodle -Law Student-26-from Chicago

So me tearing the mag apart really is not gonna hurt anybodies feelings.

I usually buy the read for the make-up tips and such and not so much because of the:

101 SEX TRICKS YOU MUST KNOW!!!!

But whatever
...(whispers I know 102!)

This particular issue was "The SEXY Issue" and I knew I would be inside, so purchasing it was a no brainer. But ALAS ,,,, they failed to include me,,,, this oversight shocked me,,,, their sales would have skyrocketed,,,, but then I figured it out,,,, they are going for the understated beauty,,,, I would have been too obvious a choice,,,, I have forgiven them,,,, you should too.

Things you have to look forward to in this issue:

**The 7 BEST orgasm tricks!!!**

Which includes valuable information such as:

Chant a phrase during....... because it helps you mentally focus...

I prefer "ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-OOOOH-ME!!!!" because I am the only one there.

(quick fact-70% of men believe their woman never fake---51% do FAKE....hmmmmm)

**100 LOVE QUESTIONS....answered in 20-words or less....
Because no problem could ever be more than a two liner convo....duh...

(quick fact- One third of 20-26 year old men have sent x-rated photos
of them self via cell- Ok.....geesh..the pipe pics I got were all from men well over that age--this may be a problem guys.... it's not you.. it's me????... hmmmm)

**When you have a SEX GLITCH ......... (how to)....fix it fast....

Which includes such beauties as:

If your vibrator is out of batteries---use the base of your electric toothbrush!!

I can't even tell you what went through my head here..

......Are you KIDDING me??? Minty freshness is a perk though!!!

(quick fact- Apparently there IS an APP FOR THAT!!!....... MyVibe app on iphone...WTF???? Who Knew you could have sex with your cell phone!! ? Mine just receives pipe pics)

But something caught my eye...

It really does not take much to catch my eye,, I am like a crow... Ooooooh shiny...
.................I like SHINY THINGS!!!

It read:

GIVE YOURSELF A BRAZILIAN
(without bursting into tears)

And if you look through the mag they have even generously included this:

Artist's depiction

BIKINI LINE STENCILS!!!!!!
(FACEPALM)

Here are the instructions:

Punch out the shape you desire......
( I punched out "heart" for instructional and demonstration purposes and because I heart you!!)

Place it on your nethers,,, trace it with eyeliner,,, pull skin taut,,, and groom......

!!!!!!! G E N I U S !!!!!!!

I can not imagine anyone opening this magazine and being stoked to find stencils to aid in their netherland grooming needs. How would that go down?

flip,, flip,, flip,,,,,,,,,,,,,, gasp,,, looks around:

OMG!!!

I can TOTALLY rock a heart nether patch now!!! I have NEVER been able to draw a HEART on my own!!!!!"

"THANK YOU COSMO!!!"

Seriously,, if you having trouble with BASIC shape recognition and your artistic boundaries are being crossed while grooming,,, perhaps you should get one of these:

And do not hold razors.........

But the Coz's descriptions of each bikini line shape REALLY made me laugh!!!

Triangle- The ANYTIME classic----perfect beginner pattern for waxing virgins..

Thank God...Because the waxing virgins of the world all failed Kindergarten and were suffering with inferior shaped....uh....er.......ya knows

Sweetheart- Say I LOVE YOU "COSMO" style

Awwwwww......I heart heart shaped Nethers!!

Landing Strip- (And sadly, I quote) "It is a change your sex life kind of look.. He will play pilot all night!!"

Does this explanation ONLY creep ME out... Here comes the plane....

fbbbbffftt (spit engine noises)........ here comes the plane.....

...Open up!!!!!

..But
my all time

personal flavorite

COSMO BIKINI STENCIL SHAPE EXPLANATION

IS:

This Way for fun- (an arrow).... To start a game of naughty GPS..

DESTINATION DOWNTOWN!!!!

(insert B rated porn flick music here)

If you need an arrow,,, I have nothing to say to you that you will comprehend.

If you want it to look like you have "Ang's" head from Avatar between your legs...

This WOULD be the shape for you!!!

Ang you go and have a good time!!!

(Get it??? I said Ang instead of AND...I slay me....no really....it sounded funny the first time, now you're just being cruel,, stop it,, I have feelings too!!)

Blog Students

.....Go get your COSMO ***THE SEXY ISSUE** and turn to page 152....

We are going to address some of the 100 LOVE QUESTIONS---

Slammin' Seductress Style!!!

Ready?????

#21. I always check my husbands Facebook profile,,, weird?

Cosmo- No

IS Answer-No-BUT If his updated status reads "Recently Widowed"........Use caution.......

#68. How do I up my chances of a second date.

Cosmo-Forget there might be one..........(brilliant)

IS Answer- Walk out- wait an hour- come back--if he is still waiting...bip-bang----you are on your second date!! NO FAIL!

#38. We've been dating for quite a while but I still have not met his friends. Why not?

Cosmo - He's not thinking long term

(good answer,,, but let's be honest and blunt here)

IS Answer - He thinks you are a MOPED---his friends all have MOTORCYCLES---mopeds are fun to ride---no one wants their friends to see them on a moped---Move on..... (I should be ashamed)

#76. How do I get him to help out more?

Cosmo- Flattery. Tell him " You are SOOOOOO good at...."
*Hint-This works with Toddlers and puppies too!!!

IS Answer- Uh.... ask nicely stupid,, and do housework nakey style!

#87. I am in my 30s and single, Is it likely I will never marry?

Cosmo- Most people marry

IS Answer- MOST PEOPLE...MOST??? sniffle -- sob--- Why are you so mean to meeeeee....... snort..... sniffle..... cry.....

I gotta go..... sniffle... I hope you are happy now COSMO!!!!!!

To everyone I know that is hurting and scared.

2010-12-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

Look up to the sun and notice that it hasn't stopped shining on you. The shadows will pass you by. The warmth on your nose and shoulders is there to make you remember that you are alive. If there were no shadows, you would never notice the soft touch of each sunbeam, formed just for you.

If the stars seem hidden tonight, they are only recharging for the next battle you have to fight. They will come out shining brighter than you have ever seen, shooting through the darkness, following each whispered dream, sparkling and waving to you. Let them speak, count each one from time to time with a thankful heart. Whisper dreams to them, they will listen.

White is falling now, it seems so beautiful at first, until it doesn't stop, burying your hopes for warmth. Notice that lone sparrow, digging through the glistening mounds, he finds a seed and waddles away to enjoy it. He sings in the brutal cold, sharing a sweet celebration for that one small offering. How much stronger should your songs be, with all you have been given? Throw seeds in the snow for all that you have, hear the true songs of happiness again.

The howling winds you notice picking up in your world, came to take away the pain you feel. Hold your hands up and twirl in it like a child. Let go. Hurt, like the burnt amber leaves of fall, will float away in time. New joy will eventually bloom and fill your heart once more.

Waves crashing on the beach seem detrimental to you now. White capped and angry, welling up and crashing when you crave stillness. But always walk patiently on the shore, picking up the jewels life has left. Perfectly painted treasure box shells with the secrets of the sea hidden inside them await to capture your fascination. Rejoice for each pearl of wisdom and acceptance, created just for you to cherish. Don't step over them in hurry.

The volcano erupts in a fiery rage, a temper tantrum staged when the elements are not lined up exactly as planned. Spewing the lava that will forever change the landscape as it escapes and cools. When it finally rests, its beauty is evident and marveled over. Without the fight, it would have died out and lost its passion. The battle awakens and celebrates life.

All about hallucinations/ EAT ME!

2010-12-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

I never was one who took drugs. Especially ones containing hallucinogens. The only drug I almost overdosed on was love. That drug IS a strong hallucinate as it causes you to see a Prince when the guy is clearly frog pee.... (see what I did there? He wasn't even good enough to BE the frog!! I slay me!! I'm here all week, try the veal!!)

But, where was I going with this you ask,
while shaking your head at my less than normal antics.

Well, I was thinking that addicts taking drugs known for causing hallucinations have issues to deal with that those of us that don't would never imagine, until now, because I am going to make you aware of one of them, because I love you, and right now, because I overdosed on rancid spiked egg-nog, I am hallucinating that I see you in your skivvy's feeding Donald Duck chocolate covered strawberries while he swims circles in my gold leafed toilet.

No really, there ya are in crotch bejeweled BVD's, or did you think the duck part was weirder? I am still not sure why Hello Kitty is humping your leg

*shrugs*

...but you are clearly enjoying it..

....soooo anywhoo....

If you think about advertising campaigns these days, every product has been made anthropomorphic...

Join me in welcoming the official professor for The Invisible Seductress.

Professor of oddities and bad smelling pits, explain to my readers what Anthropomorphic means.

Wait, you're a calculator!
Can I get a REAL Professor up in this blogizzy?

Thank You!
Professor, the floor is yours!

Anthropomorphism is a term coined in the mid 1700s to refer to any attribution of human characteristics (or characteristics assumed or believed by some to belong only to humans) to animals or non-living things, phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts.

Wonderful! I think advertising for many food products have turned up anthropomorphous to appeal to children and small lap dogs.

BUT

In a hallucinating drugged state, you decide you are hungry, can you imagine the horror when these guys show up?

They start flashing you their 8 layers and your moral dilemma starts. I mean come on, you are already a drug addict and probably stole your momma's debit card to buy the cereal, but does that mean you should snuff the life out of these characters who are clearly only trying to prepare you for a vigorous day of twitching on the couch and watching Springer?

Ok

Wow, that was weird!!!

Man, now,, you are freakin' PARCHED!

Perhaps a fruity beverage?

You skip this guy because he is frighteningly sexy to you right now...

(Dude, seriously, you're Kool-aid man and your cup is empty? NOT COOL!)

So,
Instead, you opt for something a little calmer.

Maybe a tropical Hawaiian beverage would be nice.

Great idea until...

Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch mascot,

struts in and beats the living daylights out of you!!

And then.... You start to feel woozy and a bit congested, perhaps more drugs would help, legal ones this time though, maybe you decided to change your ways after crapping pissed off pastel frosted mini-wheat characters.

This guy walks in
and
hands you a bottle of cough sizzurp...

WTF!!!???

Crap, Crap, Crappity, Crap!!
(not your actual words)

DUDE!!!

Maybe you should just go to bed!!

See

Dr. Drew doesn't seem so
anal retentive and crotchety NOW,,

DOES HE??

Sooooo

Whatdoya say???

See ya next season on the VH1 spin-off :

(Not so Celebrity) Celebrity Rehab!!

40 years of wisdom and intelligence UNLEASHED on you!! BAM-O

2010-11-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I celebrated my 4Th decade of being "The Translucent Persuader" here on this wonderful planet we call Earth. I had hoped that I had learned some very important lessons in my many years and could offer you a sage cornucopia of "limited edition" follower only information. It would be a virtual "plethora platter" of wisdom nuggets and chunks of meaty direction, but, meh , what freaking fun would THAT be? *shrugs*

Instead, I offer you the following thoughts you will NEVER need:

1. There is an alternate universe filled with our missing socks and one legged doppelgangers.

2. At this point, I believe that I will never have my face inscribed on a box of Wheaties.

3. I believe that children are our future,,, and that we are doomed.

4. From now on, everywhere I go, I am going to start pointing up to the ceiling as if I have a packed to the rafters audience. I will thank them and bow, as I am sure my performance was stellar.

5. Firemen and EMT's are always hot, but they don't like hearing that after you throw up on them.

6. The definition of the word "Nog" is: A block of wood inserted into masonry or brickwork so that something can be nailed to it. What rocket scientist was in charge of naming our festive holiday drinks THAT year???

7. Milli Vanili was framed.

8. Remember leg-warmers? I miss those.

9. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Scientists have also noticed this commonality with all creatures that carry the "Y" chromosome.

10. When I was a kid I thought the following statement was hilarious: I thought it was a booger, but its snot... Yep, still do.

11. Someone once told me that a study showed that married men change their underwear twice as often as single men do. Does your wife scare the crap out of you?

12. Horton the Elephant should be our next president, he meant what he said and he said what he meant... And that elephant is faithful 100 percent!!

13. Seriously cat owners, can't you just admit that they rule your life and are plotting the demise of the human race? You know you're just trying to get an in with them now before it is too late.

14. All porcupines float. Did you know that?

15. I am developing a serious hoarding problem. I hoard attractive men. It's easier to get out of legal problems with a mental illness: Your Honor, my client DID not kidnap these 150 attractive men, she has been diagnosed as a hoarder, but, she HAS agreed to sign over some of the men to the State so that they are more manageable and shed less, thus also solving her plumbing problem.

16. Beer, it's not just for dinner anymore, there are many refreshing blends of hops and spices that make it perfect for all day long consumption!

17. You won't hear: "Hey, I want to be a crazy cat-lady when I grow up" very often. But you'll NEVER hear: "Man, I want to bang that crazy cat lady!!!!!.....EVER....

18. If you ever decide to live today like it was the last day of your life, tomorrow would be hell after all the crazy-ass shit you pulled today!

19. If a Zhu-Zhu pet gets stuck in your hair, your only option is to bludgeon it.

20. How many times do you text "LOL" without really laughing out loud? Doesn't this make you feel the least bit guilty? I've never seen anyone actually drop and roll on the floor with laughter while texting either, what are we teaching our children? And don't tell me,,,, you do still have your ass don't you??!! Liar.

21. Why is it automatically assumed that I am a burglar when I wear pantyhose over my face?

22. This morning my middle child was very upset at General Mills. Apparently the new box of Lucky Charms I bought yesterday had a serious defect, it had no magically delicious marshmallows. The oldest calmly explained this manufacturing error to her younger sister right as she was pouring the first bowl from the "new" box. I deduce the middle child is really not that bright and call the school board to arrange a short bus pick up.

23. I think everyone should get a hamster and name it "Peeve". Because then we would all have something in common, our own little pet peeves!!

24. I am sorry but, you are not automatically deemed gangsta' by wearing a hoodie.

25. I have never had a "happy period"! Even if I had one at the Happiest Place on Earth, it would STILL suck! Who the hell wrote that slogan?

26. Spam is an underutilized source of protein.

27. "Pipe pics" are never REALLY appreciated in the way you fantasize them to be.

28. While out of town, you text or call your woman and ask her in your sexiest voice what she is wearing and she purrs and whispers: "My lacy black boy shorts and see through robe"! You need to understand, it is more likely that she is wearing a snuggie (now in designer shades and trend-setting patterns).

29. And now a motivational word from a Ninja:
(I knew that wasn't gonna work...Mime's, Ninja's and Cholesterol are all Silent Killers)

30. The drinking game: Rock, Paper, Scissors......VODKA SHOT.....should alone never be playded aloney.

31. Madame Toussaud finally sent me my wax double. It's fabulous! I can't wait till the next time I have drunken sex! While he is passed out, I will lay my wax double next to him, touch him inappropriately and hide. At some point, before he realizes he's been punk'd, I will start mumbling "I'm melting, I'm melt-t-t-ing!!".

32. The statement: "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!", should never be used at a field sobriety check point.

33. I think maybe this year I am on The Grinch's side, and I have also decided that I am a huge fan of Scrooge (before the mustard induced, enlightened ghost hallucinations, of course).

34. Even with mud on my nose, I don't get invited to play many reindeer games, do you?

35. In high school I had a very handsome stoner friend. One day a group of us were sitting in the bed of his truck drinking and some were smoking weed. He dropped a match on himself and caught his clothes on fire. Being stoned and drunk, we all just stared at the flame. He finally said "Dudes, I'm on fire dudes!". We all laughed and laughed before realizing we might want to put him out. Dudes, those were good times.

36. I don't really think your tractor is sexy. I just said that so you would offer to mow my grass.

37. Crayola should create a color called: Cheeto dust orange.

38. Never eat fruitcake unless a hippie-drunk made it for you.

39. If I marry a Mime can I put him in a glass box anytime I want? That would be a cool perk!

40. This concludes my 40 wanna be meaty chunks of direction and virtual plethora platter of wisdom nuggets post.

You can leave now, my work here is done.

Don't make me get my Ninja.

Mrs. Claus isn't as sweet as you may think...

2010-11-29T11:02:00.001-08:00

Click here for the latest update

How To Cook A Turkey:

2010-11-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

Love to you and yours on this special holiday!!

New reality show!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling to figure out what the heck I am going to do for living arrangements. I don't have very much time left here and I am a bit worried. I have begun a journal of ideas that would hopefully help me through the first stages of hobo life. I assume those first few months are the hardest, getting used to a new routine and all. I had thought of applying for every reality show possible that offers a place to stay for 8 weeks. But the thought of living in a house with Flava Flav brings me to tears and if the doucheypants Bachelor didn't give me a rose, I may have to spike his celebratory toast after elimination, and then I would end up in jail wearing an orange jumpsuit. FYI: Orange jumpsuits don't look good on anyone, even a Seductress such as myself!

I decided to make my own reality series, I call it:

Last Hobo Standing

There is no doubt in my mind that Mark Burnett will be knocking at my cardboard flap door with Jeff Probst in tow to talk about a contract. There would be a lot of events to test the fortitude of every contestant. We would have immunity challenges such as:

Shopping Cart/Roadkill Bar-B-Q: Contestants must steal a metal shopping cart, build a fire and cook animals found within a mile radius of their "home" underpass on the shopping cart grate. If the judges can not accurately determine what species is being served, and it tastes like chicken, that contestant wins! If maggots are presented with the meal and are not cooked through, the contestant will be immediately eliminated.

The Underpass Roll: In this battle, the contestants will lay vertically under the top of a concrete bridge underpass. The contestants will over time succumb to slumber as this is an endurance challenge. One by one the contestants will fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill, playing "Frogger" with oncoming traffic. The last contestant at the top wins immunity.

Hollywood Hobo: Each hobo will be taken to a gas station bathroom in which to perform a glamorous make-over on themselves. They are expected to bathe, apply make-up and style their hair. They will be given trial sized containers of shampoo and conditioner as well as a bar of soap and a "hobo specific" colored cosmetic palette (camo greens and browns). Each hobo will also be allotted 10 minutes with the air hand dryer to style and dry their hair. A guest judge from the gas station, a trucker named Bubba, will decide who has had the most dramatic change. Not only will the hobo that wins the challenge get immunity, they will also spend the night in the lap of luxury (Bubba's truck cabin).

No Pee Is Good Pee: This is a challenge to test the social game of our players. Each hobo will decide who in the game they would like to eliminate based on their own personal experiences with that individual hobo. The hobo's will then decide who's cardboard box they would like to pee on. The hobo's home with the least urine penetrated walls, wins immunity.

Hamburger Round-up: Hobo's will vie for attention in front of the fast food restaurant of their choice asking for hamburgers. The hobo with the most hamburgers wins.

Extreme Box Make-over: The hobo's will be given free run at a U-haul store where they can take as many cardboard boxes and miscellaneous moving supplies as they can carry. They will then have 24 hours to pimp their box! The hobo with the best diggs wins immunity.

Trash Can Fire: Each hobo will be given a trash can and 30 minutes to collect burning material and start a fire. The hobo with the trash can fire that the most downtown hobo's gravitate to and drink copious amounts of alcohol by, will win this challenge.

At hobo immunity, each hobo has his own trash can fire burning behind him or her. Trash can fires represent life on Last Hobo Standing. When they are voted off, Jeff Probst will dramatically extinguish their fire and say:

The Underpass Hobo's have spoken!

The eliminated hobo will be given a home because it is obvious that they are not able to survive as an actual hobo. The winner gets nothing but the title of :

"Sole Hobo Survivor"

and the bragging rights of being:

The Last Hobo Standing!!!!

Coming winter of 2010!!

Check your local programming guide for channel and times.

Snow Globe

2010-11-23T07:39:00.001-08:00

(repost from June 2010)

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

These past years have been rough, I may not have been able to afford a grand Christmas setting or possibly wasn't well enough to set one up, but this item had to be out to officially give me Christmas. I would sit it next to another item that has always been out, a Polar Bear figurine that my dad gave me, it was his favorite Lou Rankin bear. Funny how such simple items hold the grand journeys of our most treasured memories. I have little left from my childhood. A few little reminders of a simpler time. Perhaps that is why I am able to story tell in such a childlike fashion, the memory of trying to be a child through my families struggles are all I have left. I will forever cling to that innocence.

The globe was broken, the water had spilled out, the scenery was dry and lifeless. So many years spent winding up a musical key and shaking to watch flurries of sparkles rain down on a winter paradise flew through my mind. Year after year I aged and fought and triumphed only to fall again. A century full of life's roller coaster moments. My story is no different than anyone else's. We all fight and give up then wearily decide to pick up the battered gloves to fight again. I sat here at my desk thinking of my grandmother, reminiscing about my life and came up with this little poem-esque writing. I hope you enjoy it.

And to those of you who have put your boxing gloves down,,, reach for them one more time and come out swinging until the final bell sounds.

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, but your grass is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. Outside life be damned,,, I can't see you anymore. I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world.

You all look in and wonder: "What's the glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather, he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving, on gifts received and help that's given. And soon enough,, you're whole again,,, in this bright world we're blessed to live in.

Do you? Can you? Would you?

2010-11-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

Can you hear a baby laughing hysterically and not laugh along? I can't.

When YMCA is played, do you have the urge to do all the arm movements no matter where you are? I do.

Can you make thermapudic mattress pad angels any time you want? I can.

Do you dance and sing while holding a fake microphone and driving? I do.

Do you count the stars at night and smile when you lose track and have to start again? I do.

Do you have certain bugs immune to your "kill it" policy like Roly poly's and Grand Daddy long legs. I do.

Would you rather hug someone instead of saying "I told you so!"? I would.

Do you think being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do? I do.

Do you think feeling the sun on your shoulders and nose is like a hug from above? I do.

Do you twist your Oreo's, scrape the center and then put them back together before dipping them in cold milk?

WHAT?????!!!! You DON'T???? What the heck is WRONG with you?

My snow globe world.....

2010-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

I noticed the other day, while searching for some documents, that a box where I keep a prized holiday possession was damaged. I opened it praying for the best. It was a Christmas snow globe that my grandmother had given me the year that she passed away. It was a simple item, no doubt mass produced and breezed over each year on closeout shelves, but always held special meaning for me. Even now, 12 years after her passing, I open it at Christmas time and smile through tears.

One of my favorite things

Water swirls around me, as sparkled snow flakes flutter by, your world is perfectly green now, and the sun will always shine. The outside life be damned, I can't see you anymore, I stay cocooned in clarity, in the glass, of my snow globed world. You all look in and wonder: "What's that glow we all can see?" I smile and say: "How lovely,,, you see the shell of me." I once like you have carried, someones world there in my hands, or rather he carried mine, until he slipped and shattered plans. I worked so hard to find them, tiny pieces, shards of light, yet still my globe lay broken, as life steps over it in spite.

But some had made exception, stopping by to share their glow, giving joy with names unmentioned, able hands to toss fake snow. A broken life starts thriving,, on gifts received,, and help that's given. And soon enough I'm whole again,, in this bright world,, we're blessed to live in.

Chicken Salad Orgasm

2010-11-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

I just watched the fake public orgasm scene that Meg Ryan did whilst eating a sandwich in the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I deduced that this scene needs to be recreated in this century. I would like to recruit all my women followers to reenact this scene with a Biscotti and heavily foamed latte tomorrow at their local Starbucks.

Furthermore my men followers should also recreate their version of this scene at their local Best Buy. This should be done in the plasma screen TV section, in front of the camera that shoots the images of passerbyers to all the display model TV screens in the store.

Everyone that participates should then immediately throw their hands up and shrug at the people that are now gathering around to stare at them and say:

The Invisible Seductress made me do it!!

This has been decreed and so may it be done.

** Please record your participation in the comment section below**

And then fart gun came out...

2010-11-19T14:58:00.000-08:00

This is a little post about nothing. This is a little post about a lot... of nothing.. I suppose there is a possibility that you may not want to read about nothing,, but this is me... My nothings are ALWAYS something.

So that's when I was sitting on the couch and the ammo creeped up on me. I wouldn't normally pull out the fart gun as I have my laminated: "Girls don't fart, they ripple the air with their greatness" premier membership card, but this was prime ammo and the moment called for a fart interlude. Nature decided I should serve it up "machine gun style" to my innocent son. So at the right moment I asked the question I always dreaded to hear from my dad:

Well, you know what I think about that?

My dad was not only a member of the NFRA (National Fart Rifle Association), he was the owner! And "Well you know what I think about THAT?" was worse than "pull my finger" because I really did care what my dad thought about things, and always was lured into the thought that he was about to impart an important life lesson on me. I would always scooch up and position my head to listen intently to his sermon from the ass. I was often greeted with these sermons in the middle of a girly drama situation, to this day I feel if I am having a serious talk with someone, they will fart on me. But his farts cleared a room and mine smell like the scraped petals of 1,000 roses, so I think my kids have an advantage here because I deodorize as I cleanse the air from my system.

So I asked the question and got the response "What mamma?" from an eager, listening, innocent, spawn boy child.

I pointed and pulled the trigger and released my rose scented air while laughing jovially at my own redneckedness. I can tell you this: In all my efforts to write stand-up comedy routines and short funny stories, if I never get another laugh like the one my son blessed me with today, I would have heard the best of the best and I know I can retire my funny. It was one of those baby belly laughs that should be bottled and sold. He had me laughing so hard at him, laughing so hard at me, more ammo got inadvertently released into the air, which caused even more laughter.

The room smells great and me and my son bonded over a fart-gun attack today. I encourage you to bond with someone today, and don't blame the dog this time!!

Also just so you did not waste your time reading this post, I would like to offer you an alternative gift option for the person in your life who has everything.

Hot Fudge

Adopt an Alpaca!! You'll get useless monthly newsletter updates on what your Alpaca is doing and help feed less fortunate Alpaca's. You will also receive portions of the Alpaca's shearing for your own usage (because we all know what you can do with dryer and belly button lint, imagine what you could achieve with this!!)!!

So if you can't run down to Alpaca's-R-Us to purchase your own Alpaca like "Hot Fudge" (free delivery through December 24th!!), you can still send the gift of a useless monthly newsletter to someone you love. Yay YOU!!!!

...and today... Hot Fudge did the same thing Hot Fudge does EVERYDAY.. Eat and produce his own Hot Fudge topping for the grasses of our lovely alpaca farm!!

You know you want one!!

Highly Anticipated Interview...Not even Oprah could book them!! Only here on the TIS Blog!!

2010-11-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome everybody to a special edition of:

Behind The Happiest Place On Earth

"Pluto's Pain"

Pluto was created in 1930 and first showed up in the movie "The Chain Gang" as a bloodhound with no name starring adjacent to Mickey Mouse. The lovable dog then showed up in a movie with Minnie Mouse and was called "Rover", but Disney felt the name was too generic and eventually changed it to "Pluto the Pup" in 1931.

He had his first "key" role in 1934 in a movie called "Playful Pluto" when he officially became known as Mickey's dog. He has starred in 48 Disney shorts and continues to be one of the worlds most favorite canines.

Goofy was created in cartoon shorts during the 1930's. The original concept name was "Dippy Dawg"; then his name was given as "George Geef" or "G.G. Geef" in cartoon shorts during the 1950s, implying that "Goofy" was only a nickname. The character's full name was then given as Goofus D. Dawg, a name that was used as early as 1957 in the "Great gawrsh-durn champion".

Disney has needed to deal with a certain amount of confusion concerning the fact that the anthropomorphic Goofy, and dog-like Pluto often appear on screen together, yet are the same species. Disney has stated on their website that "Goofy was originally created as Dippy Dawg " and "was created as a human character, as opposed to Pluto, who was a pet, so [Goofy] walked upright and had a speaking voice".

While Goofy remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, no one has felt the pain of this confusion more than Pluto himself, and today, for the first time, he is ready to openly speak here about this egregious lack of equal treatment.

I would like to welcome Pluto along with Internationally known Dog whisperer and todays interpreter for Pluto; Cesar Milan to the stage.

(Band starts playing: "Who let the dogs out??!!")

(Applause)

Also to clear the air and better start Pluto on a path of well being, we have also invited Goofy.

(Applause)

Goofy, come on out here dawg, that was your cue.

(Staggered applause)

Now Pluto, you were created to be Mickey's best friend and always seemed to thrive in that role, when did it become too much to handle emotionally, or was the inequality shown by Disney always an issue?

(Pluto slides his tongue across Cesar's face, stands on his hind toes, and whispers in Cesar's ear. Affectionately massaging Pluto's ear, Cesar starts to interpret for Pluto who is now thumping his paw on the stage in pleasure from the massage)

He sayze dis is acutely perceptive of you. He and the Mick naturally sustained a mutually beneficial synergy. When Disney placed that stupid bow-tie on the Goof, my Pluto's fragile ego crumbled. I have been working on, I mean with, him ever since. It hasn't been easy trying to rehabilitate Pluto. I've never been so frustrated. I always fulfill their needs. But Pluto became, how do you say, frigid?

Or is it rigid?

(Awkward pause)

(cough)

Uh..Goofy,,, does the fact that you are anthropomorphic make you feel superior to Pluto in any way?

I'm sure Pluto loves cartoons just as much as I do. That doesn't make me superior.

Goofy, please don't act in a condescending way to Pluto, asking him to give you his paw is exactly the kind of behavior that has scarred him for 80 years!

Gawrsh, how else is he suppose to earn his treat? He doesn't know how to play the banjo!

Now Pluto, there were times that I felt Mickey's treatment of you was a little harsh, in one episode he kicked you outside in the snow because you knocked over the Christmas tree.

Never before viewed scene from "Pluto's Christmas Tree"

(Audience Gasps at footage)

We both know the truth was that Chip and Dale knocked that tree over and you were the pawn, were there any other instances where you felt slighted having Mickey as an owner?

Do you have a tissue?

(Cesar moves in closer, wrapping his arms around Pluto's midsection)

This is very traumatizing for my Pluto. Nearly every interaction with that mouse was void of the affection-protection scenario. I offer effusive amounts of nuturance and love to compensate for Mick's sadistic patterns. And I implement these interventions day AND night. We hardly sleep at all.

Goofy. Are you still with us buddy? You seem to be fascinated with seeing yourself in the monitor there..

I don't understand how I can be in the monitor and be sitting here at the same time. I've never understood time travel.

Mmkay then. Pluto, I read the you were Disney's 5th most popular character after Mickey, Donald, Minnie and unfortunately Goofy, that's a pretty fine accolade to have, but do you think if you were created equally with the ability to articulate, walk upright and possibly have opposable thumbs, this would change the popularity standings?

In actuality, he would’ve fallen further in the rankings.

You see, Pluto LIKES being a nudist.

(The audience gasps and whispers stir up)

(Cesar and Pluto Giggle and Blush)

I wouldn't have him- if you get my drift- any other way. Incidentally, he has desired the addition of a human middle finger. I am unclear as to why this is the case, but, I do not question him. I enable Pluto to embrace the dominant role, to make up for his past victimization.

This strategy is necessary for the rehabilitation to work optimally.

Cesar, are you sure you are the appropriate counselor for Pluto?

(Cesar avoids the question and strokes Pluto's paw)

Ok, Goofy, do you feel that's a fair assessment of the situation at hand, er, at PAW I should say?

Ummm...errrr...uhhhh yeah, I have thumbs. My mom said I used to suck them until I was 10. I've tried them recently but I guess they tasted better when I was younger.

I heard of a brief love affair between you and Clarabelle the Cow, who is sadly also anthropomorphic, but Pluto, you swear your heart remains with Dinah the Dachshund. Was this just a twisted rumor or is there any truth to it?

How did you know they got "twisted"? Yes, naturally, Pluto and Clarabelle were intertwined like nobody's business. She's got big utters, that cow. His heart remains with Dinah, this is certain, but Clarabelle offered a wealth of new experiences from which to grow and thrive through energy, mind and emotion.

Kind of like the Holy Trinity.

Yes, uh, she is, um, quite a lovely bovine and,, I'm pretty sorry I asked that question,, so let's move on quickly shall we?

Goof, you have remained single, why do you think that is?

I hope Max is watching or listening right now. Have you ever seen a dog clean themselves? Why do I need someone else when I can do it myself?

I'm sure Pluto can agree with me on this one.

Pluto, I know you have been waiting a long time to confront Goofy in a "Non-Disney" way, do you have anything you would like to say to him? Take your time, this is about healing Pluto.

(Cesar leans in to position his ear by Pluto's mouth, listening contently)

He says, no. He can't be mean.

Well, alright. Hey Goofy, I hear they're making a movie about you. Yeah. It's called Coyote Ugly, the last American Canine Virgin. And guess what else?? I slept with your mama. And she told me you were adopted!

Well, whaddya know,, A-kyuck??!!

And what's with that dumb ass bow tie? I bet it's bigger than your-bleep-bleepin ^&%$@#$^!@!!!!

Goofy do you have any words of encouragement for Pluto? This was a very brave thing for him to confront.

Do not eat yellow snow. It is NOT lemonade flavored!

Gawrsh, I have fallen for that too many times.

Pluto,,,, FETCH!

Goofy, please don't throw that ball, that's once again a display of condescending mannerisms!

You want another treat? Go get it boy!!

No. no, Pluto, I know it's hard but don't CHASE it! It only reaffirms your inferi....

......You're chasing it...

......And bringing it back...

......TO.... GOOFY...

Well, I think this was enough for one day Pluto, let's schedule another show to talk about your litter mates and how the Bitch always treated them better than you!

I'd like to thank all of our guests today:

Cesar/Pluto: Played by the Beautiful and Exquisite: Rawkyn' Robyn!!!

Give her a round of blog love at:

http://Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com

And I hope you saved some blog love for our Casanova, Goofy: Played by the handsome and Lustrous: Powdered Toast Man!!!

Visit his place at:

http://reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com/

I'm The Invisible Seductress and I've been your host for this episode of:

Behind The Happiest Place on Earth

Thank you!!
And remember:
Be good to one another
because

we're really all just ONE species

ON THE INSIDE!!

Goodnight for now!!

(ROUSING APPLAUSE!!)

The Christmas Angel's Curse (repost for those decorating for the Holidays early)

2010-11-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

Not actual "cursing angel",
but WTF is this one doing?
(cree-eeepy!)

In 2008 I bought a yard angel for Christmas. It was 4ft of twinkling LED lights and was beautiful. She was calling to me from the box. I got her for 75% off! The plan was to surprise the kids with it on Christmas morning. I would construct the angel and set it high on a table with the small amount of gifts I was able to buy around her.

It had been a rough year on everyone. A week before Christmas we had to put our beloved dog to sleep. We were all traumatized by this. I really just wanted the "magic" and "wonder" of the season to punch us all in the face. I longed for a day of screeching and laughter.

When all the kids were asleep I started wrapping and organizing. My quest was to turn the whole living room into a Christmas paradise by spreading all the gifts and visually enhancing what little I had to work with. Smoke and mirrors basically to woo the kids into the spirit and joy of celebration.

I worked until the wee hours of the night. I ended up having to go in the attic (at night-with the creepy crawlies,, shiver-shake). I wanted to get a box of special Christmas stuffed animals and place them around the room. I do not go in the attic so I was unaware of proper attic practice. When I got up there something brushed my hand and I jumped up. A nail sticking out from the beams popped into my head and I started bleeding profusely. I left the attic in pain and cursing. Blood stained my t-shirt and face. Dust and muck made a home on my hands and knees. My hair was in my face and matted with blood. I was a victim. This was a crime scene of stupidity...... But..... I was able to throw the stuffed animal box to the ground! SCORE!

It was about 3am when I finally opened up my "piece-del-la-resist-ANCE"......THE ANGEL..... (insert a chorus of Hallelujahs here). I am a girl. Mechanically stunted from the womb. But I am a master at improvisation and I can make things work (note: if you ever visit my home do not stand under any heavy hanging decorations, they were hung with a can of corn as a hammer and loom precariously,, waiting for a victim, do not be THAT victim!).

This angel kicked my ass. There were hours of putting one piece on while another fell of. Hours of cursing and reading the directions only to get half done and have it to explode in my hands. Finally, I got zip strips. Certainly zip strips will work, they are almost as good as WD-40, duct tape and vodka!

It was 5am. I came to the conclusion that it was a lost cause. I was tired and achy. I guess the room would have to be done because I was a puddle of mush. I took my sorry self to bed.

It was 5:30 in the morning and I heard the kid's door squeak. I jumped up to stop the holiday snooping. I escorted a beautiful child to the bathroom and answered sweet sleepy Santa questions. I shuffled her back to bed with a kiss.

While I was setting the "squeaky door trap" back, I became determined. I can fix this freaking angel. For the next 2 hours I jimmy-rigged the heck out of the angel. I picked her up, she fell apart. Desperately, I finagled her one last time asking for a Christmastime magic. And there was!

It's a Christmas MIRACLE Charlie Brown!!!!

Gingerly I carried her out to the living room. Put her on the stand and lit her ass up. It was beautiful (at least from the front, ha!).

I stood to admire my handiwork, briefly congratulating my ingenuity.

The presents were scattered around the base. She lit up the whole room with a awe striking icy glow. As I went to my room, the spawns awoke. I could not wait for them to see what I (Santa) had done! We scurried to the living room.

There were gasps. Ooooohhhhhh's and awwwww's filled the festive room.

Merry Christmas hugs and kisses for all!!

Just as all 3 kids settled and sat to open presents, the angel's huge torso fell off her body and landed with a thunder parting the children like Moses had visited. Her majestic lit wings that had previously spread to heaven and glowed with the promise of Christmas, knocked my frightened children to the ground, pinning them like a roided out cage fighter. Many tears flowed, mostly mine.

Fast forward to Christmas 2009!

I decided to get my little Christmas tree out and let the kids decorate it.

The angel sat in its box glaring at me in defiance. I decided I would beat her this year!

I spent 3 hours with wire, wire cutters and hope. Yes, I would be the one screaming Holiday infused profanities at an inanimate object while poking my self with wire and bleeding drops of festive red love.

But alas!!!! I DID finally get her together!!!!!

She seemed stable so I moved her to her base and plugged her ass up once again. The heavens opened up and her light glowed brightly in a wondrous Christmas spectacle.

The four of us stood together hugging and admiring her beauty.

I had beat the Christmas angel!

Ten seconds later, the lights popped and blew out. She had been successfully put together and painstakingly arranged. The LED lights (supposedly made to last longer) were tucked deep inside. Her glow was gone. My glow is gone. She has won yet again!

There is no stinking way I was taking her apart and testing each and every LED light and putting her back together again.

I carried her to the road and threw her onto the concrete.

This time, she didn't break.

She would sit at the curb for some sucker to take her in and rehabilitate her from a life of evil.

Well played Christmas angel, WELL PLAYED!!!!

Put a fork in me...

2010-11-11T05:43:00.000-08:00

I'm done.....

Ever feel that way?

I cried because I woke up...

And nothing has changed...

After fighting each battle..none was won..

and more have quarried with the breaking day...

Throw the fake armour down...

we all know you are stronger...

Let's go hand to hand...

heart to heart....

I've proven my "strength"....

I need a reprieve....

others retreat....

I am still running into battle....

alone

with blood for tears....

Am I valiant still for showing weakness?

I don't think so.....

I put my armour down......

and honorably limp away....

to concede to your victory....

At least that's what I'd say if I were in Medieval times and shit, battling measured foe or seething dragon, all while wearing a tightly corseted dress and a pink "cone" Princess hat with tulle coming out of the top, (the dragon scares me less).

Life is a strong adversary, it keeps winning, but I keep honing my survival skills, I just need a day of rest, free of worry, sleeping soundly (or at all for that matter), trying to get my strength back, but it hits everyday, even today already.

THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION...(no, not Jersey Shore's "Situation" this time!!)

I need to go blow bubbles and eat pop rocks...

If you know someone who feels stressed today, stop and hug them. I sure could use one, I bet you know someone who could too..

Sometimes a hug is all it takes to be someones hero!!

And then you are a "HUG-HERO"!!!! So make up a theme song, put on your blue tights and stand in the wind with your cape blowing regally behind you!!

And send me a picture, because I hear you have nice legs!!

Either I am brilliant or seriously deranged,,, you judge...

2010-11-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

I wanted to just give up.... but then I realized I have no "UP" to give.... now "DOWN" I have,,, so if any of you want some of it,,, feel free to contact me and I will let you down...

I was also advised that I had to just "LET GO"... but then I wondered what exactly was I going to let "GO" do? What possibly could "GO" have to do that it needs to get permission from me before doing? Are the letters all getting together and getting drunk, having sex and forming new words that make no sense? Is that where Ebonics came from? I don't approve of "GO" doing these things!

I spoke with him, he said he wouldn't go there.

Some people don't like my jokes and say I should just knock "IT" off! But that's rude because "IT" never did anything to me to deserve being "knocked off" of something! But, I couldn't really knock "IT" on could I? I could knock "IT" down, but that seems just as harsh as knocking "IT" off, dontchya think?

So I decided I needed to just let "GO" of "IT"!!

"IT" rebelled and went out with a bunch of letters (clearly not Vowels, actually I believe they were a bit confused, they just wanted to be a constant, consonants, now they are all Emo letters or something).

While "IT" was there getting drunk and having sex, "IT" got knocked up and is forming a new word. "IT" doesn't know who the father of her letter combination is, we think it was "SH"...

We decided "IT" can't raise the new word on her own so we opted to give the new word up for adoption.

So now, I know I can't give "UP", but I am still waiting to give a "SHIT".

I am sorry if you read this all the way down... laughing.....

The Dumbassinator

2010-11-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Why do companies dealing with sales think everyone must talk in monotone and never deviate from the script? Perhaps every human should be outfitted with a teleprompter! (of course this never helps politicians!!).

But that got me to thinking of an invention.

I call it:

The
Dumbassinator

The Dumbassinator is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment used to gain control of rampant stupidity. It is my plan that under strict government mandate, the Dumbassinator will be implanted in the minds of the people who have no business speaking, as they portray none of the traits necessary to actually carry on even the thread of an intelligent conversation. A microscopic chip will be implanted at the base of the carrier's brain (or behind the testicles of male carriers who tend to think only with the appendage).

As the imbecile carrier begins the very short thought process of formulating a sentence, the Dumbassinator will capture the carrier's intended verbiage and send it through an analyzer to determine whether or not it is intelligent enough to be voiced. If it is determined otherwise, a projection of the proper/respectable use of the English language will be displayed on the lens of a pair of fashionable glasses. It is our intention to rehabilitate the carrier so that they can be transitioned smoothly back into daily thought provoking, relevant conversations. Should the carrier be a chronic shit talker, a permanent microscopic screen will be surgically fitted into the carrier's eye. With either approach, by reading the projection, the carrier will then vocalize intelligently and the process is a success.

If however, the carrier decides NOT to use the verbiage assigned in that moment, he will receive a moderately humane shock. The shock collar will continue to pulse and strengthen until such time as the carrier collapses, or speaks properly in the manner suggested by the Dumbassinator. At this point, the conversation continues intelligently and the process has once again been a success.

It was decided at Dumbassinator Inc. to demo the first prototype on Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. In exchange for a Ed Hardy T-shirt, he agreed to wear the device and let us monitor the results and gage the efficiency of the verbal rehabilitation device.

Notice that the style of the Dumbassinator sunglasses
can be decided by the carrier, in this case Smarmy.

Within the first minute, Mike had offered us a "live demonstration" of our product. The Dumbassinator picked up the following sentence formulating:

"There's a bunch of Grenades up in this joint!!"

The Dumbassinator changed the sentence in the following way:

"I need to be sterilized, because I am the biggest Grenade of all!"

The implant was taken out, because it was determined that Mike could not read and therefore he was continually shocked until the chip was removed. However, after also installing the device into the other male Jersey Shore crew, we discovered a side effect that Dumbassinator programmers had not anticipated. It seems when outfitted with our rehabilitation devices, all 4 test dummies developed a disturbing tick: fist pumping.

The female cast also had a staggering side effect after their rehabilitation experience with the Dumbassinator, they turned orange. These carriers opted not let us remove the implants as they enjoyed the side effect and determined that it was worth the shock treatments.

We are reevaluating our product and upgrading some of the options. A newly transitioned model will be introduced in the Spring 2011!! Already in place for testing are Lindsay Lohan, who signed up for free because she just needed the exposure and Paris Hilton, who kept shaking and asking for gum.

Jessica Rabbit wants my chocolate covered carrot!!!!!

2010-11-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

Click HERE PLEASE TO CHECK THIS OUT!!!

It's a Game Show where couples that have been together a while answer questions for great prizes!!!!! This week Jessica Rabbit (ohh lala) and Roger Rabbit (meh, not so smart) are playing. The answers are very uh,, original!!!!

Thanks Robyn and Powdered Toast Man for allowing me to play. I play Roger Rabbit, because meh, I'm not so smart!!!

Always

2010-11-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

In the little moments you remember; things that will be, will be. Patience and the strength of perseverance, are sometimes hard to find. Lately there has been constant change and chaos. When you have done all you can and you find yourself seeking/needing for more, incessantly fighting, it physically hurts. I know worrying about everything has been effecting me physically, I feel it. My blood pressure ran 197/128 at the store today, I assume it is a straight reaction to stress, it has stayed high like this. I will sit and try to remain calm for a while.

I will focus on a very simple little thing, that became a huge inspiration for the day.

My son crawled into bed with me last night, and even though I am normally don't allow him to do that (because I thought I needed the solitude), I think now I was wrong. When you don't sleep things fade and you feel a hopeless ache. With him there, I hear the repetitive sounds of breath from someone so dear and the promise that I will see his smiles, if I just get through the night.

This morning as I counted the time down for the alarm to go off, I stretched my arm over to rub Traxx's back. He slowly started to wake and nestled in closer to me. He laid his arm on top of my face and then put his cheek against my head. He stayed there, just calm, for a long while, hugging me, until he whispered:

"Mommy, you are my Princess."

I said "Yes, I am, are you my King?"

"Always"

And with that, another day full of questions started.

Somethings will ALWAYS be, and for those, we should be thankful.

Think what you will. Judge if you want.This is the sad reality..

2010-11-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

This gets personal. This gets real. I hope to still have some respect after I share this with you.

If you feel loved and financially secure, hug your family and thank the stars above tonight!!

I am thankful. Thankful that after months of trying I was offered a job. Very Thankful.

BUT

After being out of work for severe medical issues, having my credit ruined, having the State of Florida come after me for Child Support (because well, you can't take care of kids while in the hospital) and when your Ex DOES take care of them (because he could afford to and was NOT in the hospital), and then he needs Food Stamps, the State comes after the deadbeat mom (me) who because of her health, was out of a job and not able to physically take care of the kids and then is struggling financially (because she's a loser).

But they WERE taken care of by their father (and me). If the situation was in reverse I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR HIM IF HE WERE SICK.

But I have no help around here. It's just me, just my income, and I need another surgery (woohoo). I am thankful that now I have a job. Very THANKFUL, I will rock it out,, but listen to this folks: Because the banking industry can't see past the medical collections on my credit report and see that BEFORE my health crashed, I was "A" credit,,, they won't hire me, even with 21 years experience IN BANKING and a proven success record!

So I start out low man on the totem pole (which I am not too proud to do, work is work). I start out at $8.oo an hour and hope for commissions.

I also do not get paid during the training portion.

Here's a rundown of what that looks like:

Working 40+ hours a week

-240.00 Daycare
-245.00 Car
-60.00 Car Insurance
-120.00 Electricity
-55.00 Water/sewage
-55.00 Cell Phone
-29.00 Computer (expendable bye BLOGGER,,,, sniffle)
-375.00 Child Support
-50.00 Court appointed Insurance for girls
-35.00 T.V. (expendable)

1228.00 Monthly income (assuming 4% tax)
- 1264.00 Bills
___________
(-)36.00
+64.00 (add back in expendable non necessity expenses)
______
=$28.00 A month????

Wait!!!!! Where's gas, food, housing, (Oh, yes, my house in foreclosure because I couldn't pay while I was out of work, I get kicked out sometime this year), how about misc items????

Wow, that looks bad!!

With Unemployment

1200.00
-1264.00 Bills
+240.00 Childcare (I'll be home)
+64.00 (add back in expendables)
________
=240.00 A Month + gas savings

AM I LOSING $212.00+ a month for WORKING?????

I WANT TO WORK AND DO THE RIGHT THINGS!!!!!

Unemployment helped me and I am so thankful. It will be stopping in 3 weeks and this was the only job that panned out. How am I supposed to find a place to live and take care of children on $28.00 a month(- gas and misc)?

And paying Child Support for those reasons? I am a great mother, I do not deserve that!!

I give up....

I would make a Happy Hipster Hobo....But what about Traxx? And my girls?

Where is my spark of light at the end of this tunnel?

The Manwich Experiment

2010-10-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

I like men. I like men a lot. And a man in a sandwich, somehow sounds appetizing. A nice crusty bread, maybe some bacon and a Beckham. This certainly sounds like a meal fit for a Seductress.

Beckham + BACON =
OMGWTFHEAVEN!!!

(see I even made that "bacon" color for ya!)

Wait, I got really sidetracked for a moment.

Let me start over in a pure, sweet "I was raised in Church" kind of way.

We didn't eat many things out of the ordinary growing up. Dad loved a good steak, kids loved a prodigy "Chefboy" and his rousing rings of Ardee. But I think that was about the only processed food type of thing we ate. Mom cooked her specialty "tuna casserole" a lot. A lot, did I mention we had "tuna Casserole" a lot? We did. We had it a lot!! Which I actually kind of liked until one summer day while out on my Grandpa's rabbit farm, I believe it was my brother that said:

"You know Boom-Boom head, Mom's "TUNA" casserole is actually made with RABBITS!!"

I think there even was a visual demonstration of him picking up a cute, little, white, fluffy, VICTIM and as it wiggled it's loppy ears and twitched it's cute button nose at me, it plead NOT to become Mom's "It's not really tuna, casserole".

Ever since that day, I threw up a little in my mouth, and my brother tried to hide a belly laugh, when that casserole appeared in front of us.

But there was no Spam (the horror!!!) no pop-tarts (except Thanksgiving morning while watching the parade, the heavens opened up on us and it rained a pop-tart!), no Slim Jim's (I love Slim Jim's!! I even made up a country song about Slim Jim's- It was about a single girl in a gas station store around Corn Nut's (hillbilly guys) and cheez curls (jock heads) until her Slim Jim walked in!! But he had a Sweettart (flusie gal) with him, so she settled with Budweiser (the beer, no human compares). We were allowed no soda (urp), no potted meat (thank goodness) BUT-------NO MANWICH!! (see how I pulled you back in to the plot of the post? I am a freaking genius!! Say it with me....G-E-N-I-U-S!! ;} )

I always saw those commercials of a happy family sitting down together at a round 70's style table, with wood paneling behind them, wearing orange clothes and dad ALWAYS had a thick brown mustache, (does this show my age???) They all were busy laughing because little Johnny had Manwich all over his face and needed yet ANOTHER paper towel. The Mom would shake her head at him sweetly. I never really thought THAT was a LOL- ROFL- LMAO situation, but apparently, it ONLY is IF you are eating Manwiches.

I never bought Manwich. I always passed by it and thought of little Johnny and wondered where he was today, and if he was single, and still cute, and learned some basic eating skills, and if he still liked it when people ruffled his hair and touched his nose lightly when he did something "cute" at the dinner table. Because that would be a catch right there!!!!

Maybe not.

So yesterday after being at the doctor from 2-7 because apparently I make a fine specimen, and then spending another hour getting prescriptions all while accompanied by a poor little bored "I already colored da whole doctor bed paper mom!!! I don't want to color anymore!!!" 4 year old. I was tired. I even I brought my little electronic Q20 game and Traxx and me went through the whole animal world and had started on vehicles until it flubbed. It had gotten every one right until we were on car and it said "mini-van". I said: "well that's close enough right?" It wasn't. Traxx was miffed, how could it have the nerve to guess "mini-van" when it was CLEARLY A CAR?? And earlier it had guessed "Giraffe" when it was SUPPOSED to be a Zebra!! Oye. This caused a little Meltdown. (really??) I stopped it with 3 M&M's because I am a professional.

Instigator of meltdown!!

But we were starved and "cooking" was out of the question. So I picked up that "pre-made" tub of Manwich with a smile. The volume of the "conducive to a boring shopping trip" music over the Grocery Store radio increased as it played: "Eye of the Tiger" and I ran, boxeresquely to the register grabbing some "buns" on the way down the bread aisle (the men in the bread aisle had nice assets last night), and THEN I grabbed a package of bread rolls.

As we got home and I prepared a Manwich for me and Traxx, I was a little upset. This wasn't magic, there was no delectable aroma that would lift someone off the ground and float them to my kitchen while they frantically sniff the air.

Traxx took a bite and set it down. He looked at me with his big meatball brown eyes and said bluntly:

"Scrape the MAN off of mine."

"Oh you just want the "wich" not the "Man"? I repeated for my own selfish humor purposes.

"Yes please! MAN's are NASNEE!!"

I pondered the gravity of that statement and hallucinated that David Beckham had just jumped off the bun, flipped me off and walked out of my life forever.

*sniffle*

I do like bread tho.

It started with a fart....

2010-10-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Last night was a rough night. It started out OK. I had decided to go to bed early as I have been having headaches. The kids and I fell asleep at the same time, it was about 9:30. (I know, I know, I am one wild and crazy gal!! ( I say in my best Steve Martin voice).

I ended up having a nightmare. I was in a long hallway of a place I did not recognize, it was all a sparkling shade of white. I was scared for some reason and could not focus correctly on anything. Then I saw something smallish walking towards me wearing a red felt robe. It was some kind of creature walking on it's hind legs and I decided it would be smart to pick it up since I could not focus on what it was (dumb). I pick it up, pull it closer to my eyes and see that it had a weird deformed human face, red curly hair and a brown and white guinea pig body. It was terrifying so I dropped it and it made a harrowing "THUD" on the ground (which at this point had turned into AstroTurf...WTF?????).

It then shed the robe and made that guinea pig squeaky noise while running away on all fours. It would stop to look back at me and poop ping-pong balls. It was like: weeeeeee, weeeeee, squeaaaaak, (poops ping-pong balls) (stares at me) weeeeeee, squeeeeeeeak (poops, poops) stares...... it tries to run out of view, but keeps slipping on the Astro turf (which apparently now is wet). Now it starts slamming back and forth into the walls like the Atari video game "pong".

That's when all heck broke loose at the Seductress house.

I hear the loudest sleep-fart I have ever heard. It wakes me from my nightmare into another one that is my reality.

This is what happens:

A sleep-fart bellows from DramaGirl's ass in the next room over, I sit straight up sweating from my memory of the "Carrot Top-esque" guinea pig that shat ping-pong balls at me.

MsDebate screams at DramaGirl:

"Oh----MY-----GAWD!!!! THAT----IS-----DISGUSTING------REALLY????!!!!!!!!

DramaGirl who had miraculously slept through the volcanic eruption coming out of her rear, now gets woken up by MsDebate's rendering of judgement. This startles her. I hear the gasp of fear come out from DramaGirl and know to wait for the rumblings of an over-dramatic Oscar worthy performance (which starts with a low cry that quickly elevates when she decides she has to carry her lazy "offending butt" into my room for my comforting mommy arms).

I hug her as my heart starts to move into a regular rhythm. She goes to my bathroom and as I lay, I hear many rounds of encore farting. I deduce that she is dropping a bomb and realize that I will have to get up soon and help diffuse an overflowing toilet. I lay (waiting for the end) staring up at the ceiling as she apologizes about pooping (which is sweet in a weird way). I console her and beg of her not to use too much toilet paper and maybe I won't have to plunge at 2:30AM!!

I then hear Traxx ambling down the hallway whining. I speak to him but he does not answer and continues in the bathroom where DramaGirl is busy polluting the air.

He is still asleep at this point and drops his dinosaur skivveys quickly to relieve himself. DramaGirl realizes she is about to be pee'd on and screams (again in an over-dramatic way).

This wakes Traxx who now does his own rendition of an Oscar worthy crying performance, but he also has to pee very badly. He is a tired little boy, and is mad that his toilet is covered with sister! I have to pick him up (drippy, dangling member and all) and run to the other bathroom with him begging him to hold it. Thankfully he makes it, but is too upset to go back to his own bed because now, he is scared the "Nonsters" are gonna get him. He climbs in my bed and spends the rest of the night unconsciously slapping me around whilst I try to get back to my guinea pig nightmare, which in retrospect, was better than my reality nightmare.

sigh

My first book looked a little like THIS:

2010-10-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

I remember as a kid I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. Besides kissing boys and singing, I always loved to write. Going through school I was that kid you hated because she got all giddy and excited when a writing project was given. Whatever it was, I loved the creativity.

In my first year of high school, I was introduced to a Graphic Arts Vocational program, I thrived there. I was able to make anything my heart desired. The teacher wasn't an overly structured teacher, and if you were a cute girl, you got special access to the presses and photography equipment and he gave you free reign (what? No one made out in the dark room!!).

At that time I babysat A LOT! I made business cards to propel me into the riches!! I also printed my first "book" there. It was supposed to be a kid's series of coloring books I could give to the kids I babysat, and the parents would think I was AWESOMESAUCE. I was.

I came up with a creatures named "Fraid-nots", these little guys were to teach kids how to rationalize situations to make them less scary. The first in the series was called: Here comes the Babysitter!! Mind blowing writing was included to get you on the seat of your chair. It was also illustrated by a boy I had a crush on. I tried to bolster my position with him by offering him a book deal. The drawings were strange, but I got to watch him doing them which made it all worth it. So with no further ado,,, I give you:

Here comes the Babysitter!!
By: me
(at age 15 almost 16!)

When my mommy and daddy go somewhere
they always leave me with a babysitter.
It's not that they don't love me, they just want to go
and have fun like we want to do.
(and come back wasted to pay the sitter entirely too much!!)

(this is me shoving dad out the door aren't I a vision??)

I'm one of the little furry creatures called
Fraid-not's. I get babysitters just like you do!!
I don't like it when my mommy leaves me.
I don't like it when my daddy leaves me.
But, I LIKE my babysitter!!
(is this the hook phrase?)

(This kid had cool posters!
And I hold my stomach while we play tic-tac-toe)

(look at my face, I look so happy here!! Is that hay in my mouth??
I must have been into "realistic" pony play back then, is that normal?)

If I ask her to she'll play with me!
Cars, blocks, coloring and reading,
my babysitter will do it all! She even gets
on her hands and knees to be my pony.
(oh that's what was happening, wiping brow)

I LIKE MY BABYSITTER!!
(gosh, who wouldn't!! She's a special gal that one!!)

(this is the gripping, emotional part of the book, kinda
like when Bambi's mom dies,
or when Nemo is the sole survivor out of 1.053 fish eggs)

I miss my mom. I miss my dad, and I am sad,
but do I cry? I don't cry no way fraid-not!!
(hook phrase alert!! Could THIS be it??)
'Cause when my babysitter comes, we
play a lot!!

(I have no boobs-and a water fountain on my head, but WOW,,
that's a FINE display of funny faces!!!!)

I like to play and make silly faces!!
SO DOES MY BABYSITTER!!
I like to sing and pretend to go places!!
SO DOES MY BABYSITTER!!

I like monsters big and mean!!
SO DOES MY BABYSITTER!!
(huh??? what?? No I don't!!)
I like cartoons and watching T.V.!!
(Yes, maybe, but only MTV 'cause
I can't watch it at my house
and Kip Winger is smokin' hot
and hairy,, just like me in this book!!!)
SO DOES MY BABYSITTER!!

I LIKE MY BABYSITTER!!
(really?? Geeze,, switch it up a bit!!)

Sometimes babysitters are short,
But they can be tall.
Some dress REAL nice,
and some dress funny.
They are all different
Just like us!!
(can YOU tell which is which? It's a tricky one I say,,,, tricky...
For bonus points, which one is the pedophile? I vote top left.)

When my babysitter tells me to go to bed
or take a nap, I do it.
(could the babysitter be trying to hypnotize the children?
I didn't put the part about NyQuil and taking your medicine in this book
that comes in the next book "Why am I so sleepy")

I don't cry no way fraid-not,
because my babysitter loves me a lot!!
(two Hook phrases??? GENIUS!!)

She only tells me to do things
that I need to do. She likes me and wants me
to be safe and get enough sleep to grow.
(damn dude, she downgraded you to "like" here,
she used to love you!!????
Now off to bed so she can call boys and raid the fridge!!)

(I look so sweet and concerned here,
look at that gash on his hand!! Is THAT a dog??
And why is it NOT HAIRY???)

When I get hurt my babysitter tells me everything is OK.
(it is, OK, it is ALL OK, drink more purple stuff now!
Your screaming is annoying!)
Sometimes I cry, but my babysitter always
knows makes me feel better!!

I LIKE MY BABYSITTER!!
(she used to like you too!!)

(aren't they a lovely family with a weird hairless mutant dog!!)

I know that when I wake up my mommy
and daddy will be there.
They will ask me if I had fun with the babysitter
and I will tell them absolutely!!
(because that's what she hypnotized you to say!!)

Because...

I LIKE MY BABYSITTER!!
(duh!!)

THE END!!

I even had a cool back cover with rave reviews!!!
Here's how it looked:

Maybe getting a babysitter seems scary and anything but fun,
but this Fraid-not knows how fun it really is!!!
"The Adventure of the Fraid-not's" series
and
"color-me" books presents:

Here comes the Babysitter!!

"Getting a babysitter never seemed so fun!!"
Innocent Bystander

"Exceptionally written and SUPERBLY illustrated!!"
W Cam-Artist
(dude-YOU ILLUSTRATED THIS, oh...I get it!!)

"Thought provoking with a deep intellectual plot!!"
Cindy Lewis- Airhead
(Ahahahaha-nailed the stuck up chick here!!)

"Wonderfully written, imaginative, purely a pleasure to read!"
Lopez- Graphic artist
(and my bestest friend and worst influence!)

"It was like real,,,,, Well, You know!!"
K Fletcher-Ditzy girl
(slaaaaam-----I did it AGAIN!!! Maybe I was a bit petty,, ya think?
Well, it was High school after all)

"Greatly enjoyable!!!! A good experience for adults and children!!"
J Phelps-Author
(dude- YOU WROTE THIS!!..oh...I get it!!)

"Two thumbs up!!!"
Siskel and Ebert-Movie Critics
(one is dead now I think, but they BOTH loved my book in '86!!)

I hope you enjoyed this little ride with me!!!

Who knew I would get such GREAT reviews!!

I did!!

(Oh,,, I get it!!!)

Now it's your turn to write a review of it!!!

The content of this post may not be suitable for young readers, follower discretion is advised.

2010-10-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

PORN

Cat's watch it

Yes, Porn. I had never seen a porno before. I didn't really feel I was missing anything because I would rather experience sex form myself instead of watching two (or more) fumble at it to bad music, in a room with tacky decor.

What I have seen of various "Oops!! There's a sex tape" of the prettiest in Hollywood, do nothing to arouse me (although Tommie Lee did make me gasp a bit, is he human?).

So, I just sat ignorant (innocently sweet and angelically pure) to the pull porn has on some people. But being on the computer has changed all of that. Porn is readily available to me from my computer chair, and it's free!!

Free I say!!

I can cock my head and try to figure out angles and geometry, and if there were any fascinating tips, maybe I could steal some (although I already know all 101 from EVERY F'n COSMO mag issue).

The couples I see are frolicking freely around in the greenery, the sun gently hits their feathers, displaying a rainbow of prismatic beauty.

Are you confused?

Did you really think I would sit on my computer and look at porn all day? I am shocked at you for the assumption!

This is LIVE ACTION people!!!

Live 100% gritty, jaw dropping, "WTF was that?" questioning, unadulterated sex.

RAW SEX!

But it just so happens to be bird sex. Yes, I was shocked too because I had never seen birds having sex, have you? I mean we all KNOW they have to have it, somewhere, somehow, but it's just not something that is out there in the public for our viewing (ahem) pleasure(?)..

Seems this little patch of ground right outside of my large computer window alcove can only be compared to a Bird's rendition of the Playboy Mansion's infamously raunchy Grotto!

The grass is high and it is an area with a few raging citrus trees. It is kind of covered around, so I guess to a bird it would seem private. If you are avian in species and need a little afternoon delight, I could see you thinking this is a safe place to partake. Private, except for me.

Seems to be that as far as species, the crows get laid more often than not here in my "private screening room". I can even hear them vocalizing the "activity" here. The corner a few feet from me is ground zero.

I see this 2 to 3 times a week. I never knew.

Who knew?

You don't want to know.

Birds do it!!

One bird always looks very familiar as he has a funky wing and visits "The Grotto" very often, I have nick-named him "The Situation" (because I really do feel all crows are from Jersey!)

FIST PUMP!!!!!

"Snooki" comes here often as well, (that's what I call all the Guido crowettes doin' it up Grotto style).

Apparently ALL crows are DTF. (I didn't know what DTF meant either till I watched ONE episode of Jersey Shore, also, I am afraid I am a grenade and this has effected self worth, I am going to go tan now.....not really......)

Fuggetabout it....no really......forget it!!

Webbed feet and alien fungus....

2010-10-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

I would like to formerly take the time to thank the universe for choosing me to laugh at. Yes, sometimes I feel like I am a recurring character acting infinitely on some mediocre sketch comedy show! Or perhaps being filmed for episodes of Punk'd'?

You know, come to think of it, ever since me and Ashton had our fling (and I finally accepted the fact that he has webbed toes), I have felt like that.

Not actually Ashton's feet

And although Ashton explained the whole marrying Demi thing as "wanting to find someone who came somewhat close to my beauty", I still have my doubts he has found it in her.

But this post is not about that.

Lately I have been involved with many things. Reality has decided that it is the shoe, and I am the piece of gum stuck on the bottom of it, right next to the dog crap (at least I'm not the dog crap). But, both of us, dog crap and gum, get pried out of the crevices of shoes with sticks or scraped off coldly on dewy wisps of grass and concrete steps. And since I am gum, I am a little bit flexible and stretchy when this happens, a quality that is helpful when things change everyday!!

I have had a few interviews and have taken every one seriously as a learning experience, even if the job does not work out. Lately there has been an interview for a "commission only" sales position. I am worried about a job like that because I am the only source of income in the house and the economy is still weak. I have faith in my selling abilities, but to not have any base pay in the situation I am in, petrifies me. Still, I had aced all of their tests and they wanted to see me in person. I dolled up and went in.

Before leaving the car I slapped myself in the face a few times to put the fear of failure in my heart. Plus, I feel natural blush looks fantastic and a nice slapping works well for that.

I go in and begin the interview with a nice young lady.

This is when the comedy sketch starts. Being a very visual person is tough sometimes. I remember being in school and daydreaming through a whole class simply because the person in front of me had a knotted up "rat" in her hair. My imagination questions things like that and I start diving off the deep end of sanity.

I think things like:

...if she were in a monkey society, she would be groomed everyday and this would never happen, also she would not have bugs, I wonder if she has bugs. But maybe, she IS in fact IN a monkey society, and it could be possible that she is the out-casted monkey of the group because her feet stink or she ate too many bananas at one time (that would be serious enough for monkey society abolishing, I suppose).

Then I realize that I have drifted off and missed all of the notes I need for the next day's test. When the the bell rings, in irony, I have to address monkey-girl, (who is fully prepared with precise notes because she is obviously the "organizational" monkey of the tribe), to be the one I beg (in the monkey language of "grooming") to let me copy her notes.

Strange to you right? Welcome to my normal.

So as I went in for the interview, I prayed everything would be in order and I could focus. But a few moments in, I notice it. I can't stop looking at it. A medium sized snitzel (dry booger hanging loosely from the roof of a nostril) was in her right nostril. It was flapping in and out at me with every breath she took. Before long, I am struggling to be engaged.

I think:

...if she were a smoker, and standing on a mountain, wearing an ornate feathered head piece, what smoke signals would her nose be giving with each breath? "The British are coming, The British are coming", no wait, that's not what an Indian would say at all! I try and refocus.

And then I think:

...maybe no signal would be given, because she looks like a mouth breather, she would emit rings, because if I smoked I would definitely emit rings because they are more festive, and I am not really even sure what a mouth breather looks like I just heard the word used in a Political smeary campaign commercial, I suppose one COULD look like her.

Oh, she just asked me a question.. ahem

"Uh, yes ma'am, that's right 21 years in sales and marketing, I love being able to work with people in my community! I did research about your company and the many accomplishments it has been recognized for, I am interested in knowing more about your products, I would love to take some brochures and literature with me if I may."

She is now thrown off track a bit.

The snitzel is still in prime position and I begin to feel like it may be something similar to a Morse code.

I think:

...her snitzel must be releasing valuable information to me about UFO's and such. Certainly, if I were an alien, I would find unique ways to transmit my vital messages to inhabitants of the planet I plan on overtaking. Why not a snitzel transmission? I would, however, have to really gather myself to actually receive this message because the "vehicle human" they have chosen to give the transmission wants to thwart my deciphering efforts and talk about business matters.

The world may just be doomed

Oh, she wants to bring me in to meet another manager, a man-a-ger (I stifle a laugh at my stupid joke), for more of an interview. This is great, I can be assured the visual defect of my brain will be cleared now. I follow her to his office that is heavily clad in cheap wood paneling (which brings back a memory of a huge ass splinter I got from paneling just like that as a kid, my eyes start to water).

There are two fungus green chairs (with suspicious "stains" in the middle of the seat, the origin of the stains are clearly metaphysical manifestations of single celled organisms sent to reproduce from the aliens). The gentleman seems nice enough, as I shake his hand and sit in an alien baby stained fungus chair, the snitzel leaves and me and the man-a-ger resume conversation.

I notice two things.

His shirt is unbuttoned one button to far and the gold chain and pendant he is sporting is tangled in black chest hair.
He had some sort of leafy green vegetable for lunch and has not looked in the mirror since.

It is at this point I realize: I could sit there all day and never hear one word this poor man is saying.

Again, if he were part of a monkey society, his chest hairs would be groomed and this might not have happened to me. Furthermore, I don't think monkeys eat leafy green vegetables, perhaps it is a clever alien camera filming me for a special episode of:

"Punk'd, Alien's Invade Earth Edition"

End of comedy sketch.

{{{{{facepalm}}}}}}

I am doomed.

I almost won the lottery!!...Fo Shizzle!!

2010-10-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Gratuitous "lucky cat" illustration
for my women followers

Gratuitous "lucky cat" illustration
for my men followers

YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

I have never played the lottery. It's not that I think it's really stupid or anything, I just never have done it. I take warnings seriously, like: "Do not curl hair while taking a bath", someone has already tested this out for me and apparently the outcome was not so desirable. So, "play the lotto responsibly" seems like a good suggestion, too. But,, I was thinking,,, I have had every color of Crapola Crayon in my crayon box lately, except "money green". Wouldn't it be plausible to think that the very first time I play, I win?

I mean Karma and luck eventually have to stop throwing up on me, right? (just nod your head and smile)

I wouldn't even change if I won, I would be more giving and less stressed and feel like I could breathe knowing my kids would be secure (but there would be a new Dodge Challenger with racing stripes in my driveway, I would give the Zhu Zhu car to charity, and I would have a temperature controlled green olive cellar and a sparkle vault, I deserve a sparkle vault dammit!!!).

Yes, I could be so lucky!

So I decided one day, spur of the moment, while I was getting gas, that I would buy 2 lotto tickets. And then I would grasp at every moment with anticipation waiting for the whorish looking lotto gal to roll my balls (that last sentence would make you laugh if I were a guy, right?). But having never purchased lotto tics before, I knew I had to play it all "suave like" with the clerk, I was cool and casual. I did a smooth rendition of: "$20 on pump 5!", and then Bam-O,, I throw in: "And 2 lotto tickets" while gesturing with a cocky over-secure head nod in the general direction of the lotto display area, capping the performance off with: "please, sir".

He knew I was a seasoned playa'. He was obviously in awe of my intuition of hitting a big lotto score. I am sure he felt humbled in my presence.

{{{{{sherereeop, sherereeop}}}}} (that is the sound of my winning tickets being dispensed, I am sure regular lotto buying people recognized it).

I then proceed to swipe my card in the thingy and I get reprimanded just a little harsher than seemed necessary by the clerk:

"YOU CAN NOT BUY LOTTO WITH PLASTIC!!!!"

"NO PLASTIC!!!!"

And he slams his fist on the plastic display case sending a shiver up my spine.

I felt like I was kicking a puppy or something, a really really cute puppy,, really dude, the veins on your forehead bulge FOR THIS?????

"Plastic-NO LOTTO!!" He reiterates with a shower of spit to accompanying the words this time.

I step back, a lotto virgin with her innocence raped,,,, my tickets tossed to the side of the register so harshly I could hear their cries of pain. I drop my head low in recognition of my sins and then weakly I continue:

(sniffle) "$20 on pump" ( I look outside straining to see the pump) "what was it, pump 5 right?"

"PUMP 5,, YES!!

The pissed off Dr. Suess character from the clerk's schizophrenic list of actors apparently joined the conversation at this point, as he added:

"YES,, PUMP 5!!"

I am discouraged and humiliated,,,, but then,,,, as minds that have lacked proper oxygen at one time or another often do, I start obsessing as I take the walk of shame past the Slim-Jims and Cheez-doodles.

What if that WAS the winning ticket.. And I have to go back and get it.. Karma is playing a trick on me and I have deciphered it, damn you Karma,, you are a tricky beast,, but not this time..... No,, not on MY watch!!! (only it didn't sound so cavalier and cool in my head, it was more squeaky than defiant)

But then,,,
(again)

What if that WAS Karma, in fact, saying something completely different? Something like: "buy the tickets at another vendor, my beautiful, sweet, sparkliscious creature of fantasy!!", and then THOSE would be the winning lotto numbers,, Yes, I think this sounds more like Karma, witty and anti-social with a dash of sarcasm and angst and an appreciation of all things sparkly..

The NEW ticket will be the winning ticket, it HAD to be, Karma is dancing in my face letting me know, Karma does love me!! ( I dance along with Karma for a few moments, it is both energizing and choreographed to "needing slouchy pink leg warmers and green tights" perfection, until I decide to go a different route and step up the dance with a torn white t-shirt, a chair and cold water, emulating that "Flashdance" scene precisely)

This was me..

This is a sign,, I MUST go to another vendor and buy the tickets, but which one Karma?? Which one?? I whisper now softly to Karma for a sign: "Could it be the vendor with the dairy queen? Cause that would be cool Karma!! It's like you would be serving up a blizzard and a bazillion!! Yes, Karma, I hear you, you want me to have a blizzard as a prelude to my life changing winnings!!"

But,,, I didn't get the tickets,,, and I didn't get the blizzard,,, turns out I only had enough money for toilet paper.

Today,,, as my children wipe their rears with my hopes and dreams..

What do I do??

..........well,,, I,,, I cry with each flush.....

CassaStar is HERE!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's a grand thing when one of our own gets to live a dream. Bloggers get a bad rap sometimes as not being as credible as other writers. Pshaw, I have met some of the most talented writers here. I have often thought of inventing a aesthetically beautiful brainsucking contraption to release some "genius" into my own noggin.

Watch out Alex J Cavanaugh.......

You may be targeted as my first ~~victim~~,,, er,,, ~~Guinea Pig~~ uh,, donor, YES!!!! Donor!!

Here is a bio for our newest published blogfamily member!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh has a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and works in web design and graphics. He’s experienced in technical editing and worked with an adult literacy program for several years. A fan of all things science fiction, his interests range from books and movies to music and games. Currently he lives in the Carolinas with his wife.

His book is named: CassaStar and was released TODAY!!!!

Here is a written excerpt from the book as well as the trailer:

To pilot the fleet’s finest ship…

Few options remain for Byron. A talented but stubborn young man with a troubled past and rebellious attitude, his cockpit skills are his only hope. Slated to train as a Cosbolt fighter pilot, Byron is determined to prove his worth and begin a new life as he sets off for the moon base of Guaard.

Much to Byron’s chagrin, the toughest instructor in the fleet takes notice of the young pilot. Haunted by a past tragedy, Bassa eventually sees through Byron's tough exterior and insolence. When a secret talent is revealed during training, Bassa feels compelled to help Byron achieve his full potential.

As war brews on the edge of space, time is running short. Byron requires a navigator of exceptional quality to survive, and Bassa must make a decision that could well decide the fate of both men. Will their skills be enough as they embark on a mission that may stretch their abilities to the limit?

This is what the LIBERTY JOURNAL said about the book:

“…calls to mind the youthful focus of Robert Heinlein’s early military sf, as well as the excitement of space opera epitomized by the many Star Wars novels. Fast-paced military action and a youthful protagonist make this a good choice for both young adult and adult fans of space wars.” - Library Journal

I know what you are asking as you sit on the edge of your chair while biting the heads off of gummy bears.....

WHERE CAN I GET THIS BOOK AND SUPPORT MY BLOG FAMILIA????

(I didn't know you were Italian!!! That's pretty hot!!)

You can go here:

AMAZON - http://www.amazon.com/CassaStar-Alex-J-Cavanaugh/dp/0981621066

BARNES & NOBLE - http://search.barnesandnoble.com/books/e/9780981621067/?itm=1&USRI=cassastar

BAM - http://www.booksamillion.com/product/9780981621067?id=4581185563381#overview

Also available in eBook format for Kindle, iPad, Nook, and others

Congratulations to Alex for making this happen!!!!!

It was OUR anniversary and I totally missed it!!!!!!!

2010-10-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Oh crap, really?? I missed our anniversary? We were supposed to make wordy blog love for hours and hours as you tell me how smooth, soft and un-supple my words are and how you have always visualized me sitting in a small white room with tastefully button-tufted padding on the walls wearing a Circus Peanut bikini while sloshing around in a bucket of un-tastefully colored sparkles and singing the green olive theme song while typing fantastical posts filled with magically delicious content (I know you didn't know there was a theme song, and that's OK, I have a tolerance for green olive ignorance). It would have been blogasmic. We would have shared multiple blog-o-gasms of laughter and hilarity.

But I missed it.

It was October 1, 2009 that I busted in on the Blogger scene with posts about Manatee poop and Spam. I look back on where I was then and where I am now and painfully conclude:

I am still 100% insane. YAY!!!!

But there must have been lessons learned over 365 days of life, right?

So this week I will go back over a few posts to see what I have learned and more importantly what vital lessons in life I may have taught you as a fledgling follower, you should take notes as I am sure this written montage or "blog-prom" (if you will) of my blog greatness will spark many a fond memory of our time here together. And I even made you a gift for the dance!!!! A green olive corsage for my ladies and a green olive Boutonniere for the gentleman folk.

Note: Please don't say the olives look like alien boobs,
I am aware of this.

Print the appropriate adornment out on a color printer, cut carefully on perforated lines (ask an adult for help unless you have round-tip scissors) and affix it to your clothing with duct tape or super-glue while you read this week to get the maximum interactive blog enjoyment whilst traveling down memory lane.

Welcome to:

What I have learned from the Seductress
a study guide
Day 1

Pooping

There are a many posts about my children's ability to clog my toilet with their Smurf sized droppings and toilet paper misuse. There are even posts where said Smurf sized poop fell over the edge of the overflowing loo and landed squarely on Seductress feet, I even accentuated your reading pleasure with a very accurate *Onomatopoeia's to further demonstrate the sound of a dropping Smurf sized poop, I believe the most commonly used *Onomatopoeia was "WOMP!!".
*special acknowledgment to Georgina Dollface for reminding me what a great word Onomatopoeia is in a recent magnificent post of hers!

Lessons Learned From Post

When dealing with a situation that toilet overflow is imminent, it is always advisable to utilize the "frisk me" pose while raping the pot with a plunger.

The Seductress is excellent at interjecting sound effects that make you feel like you are part of the action.

Dating

There were also some posts on dating that offered a realistic viewpoint on how sucky the men in the Seductress' town are. One to be remembered is the man who spoke in monotone for 2 hours about how he trained his bird to whistle for his dog and the hilarity that ensued each time the bird acted upon the specialized training. He did this while chewing with his mouth wide open and sporting a dab of mayo on a very sparse soul patch.

Lessons Learned From Post

To some men, cocking your head while staring in their general direction (in this case at a condiment laden soul patch) with drool coming out of your mouth, is a sign of a fully engrossed date primed for a sexual interlude, use caution.

Sparse soul-patches are even grosser than overly successfully curly follicular soul-patches.

Gratuitous Soul-Patch Illustration

Being Safe While Intoxicated

Sometimes I shared the happenings of nights when alcohol clouded the intelligence lobe of my brain. But mostly when alcohol clouded the intelligence lobe of a friend's brain (which is normally already hindered by the fumes of hairspray inhaled while getting ready to cloud the intelligence lobe of their brains with alcohol). My pal "CrimeScene" (as she is known on this blog) always offers a unique experience in night festivities. Being that I am always the one to remain sober and assume the position of the "gotta go" girl, I have an interesting perspective when a commercial tells you to "Drink Responsibly" because my friends NEVER do! I taunted the importance of always having a good "gotta go" friend with you when you partake in the Devil's mouthwash in many a post.

Lessons Learned From Post

Being 4'11" and hanging out with a considerably taller, well endowed, drunk friend wearing a black shirt is comical because when you pull her arms over your shoulders to drag her out of a building full of testosterone, her large tits (that end up resting on your head) make you look like Mickey Mouse (see illustration below).

Every man hates the"gotta go" girl with a passion.

NOT the happiest place on earth!!

Stay tuned for more of our "blog-prom" this week where we will go over the importance of Sporks and Spam in a civilized society,,, or not.

But tomorrow is dedicated to my friend Alex and his awesomeness...