Friday, May 27, 2011

Ants are our friends!

Oh little ants, you'd think that after a few dozen of your scout ant bretheren failed to return from their mission, you would re-strategize and formulate another plan of attack and possibly another location to ship your scouts. You see, my bathroom is NOT filled with sugar mountains majesty and rivers of syruppy bliss to linger in. Perhaps retraining efforts should begin.

I have not had an ant problem since I moved into my first apartment at 19. I noticed around 3 ants on my counter and did what every single gal would do-go to Home Depot and look for a hottie to save you from your own fained ignorance. It was a great plan of attack and as the handsome gentleman corralled me to the pesticide aisle-I perfected my southern accent with some sweet giggles, took his advice and bought some clear stuff with a picture of a cross-eyed ant on it. The next morning after using the treatment, the 3 ants turned into about 1,052, all swirling around my bait like it was nectar from the ant gods. The morning after that, there were about 2,978 ants on the counter. Approximately 33% of those were dead and had 3 or 4 mourners by their side, I was mortified. I cleaned it up and never used the nectar again. A day later, I only had one ant on the counter and a date with the home depot guy. After the date, I deduced that ant would have been better company for the evening.

Now this is the part of the story that will solidify your true thoughts and perceptions of me as a reader. You will add "certifiably crazy" to your list of Seductress traits. Hopefully nestled nicely behind: Quirky-fun-Circus Peanut eating, goddess of light and inspiration (cough).

You see, these ants are not pesty trailblazing ants. They are unusually large wanderers of peace. And if you cock your head and close one eye they are actually very cute. Their bizarrely long antennae buzz around happily, making them cartoonish in appearance. And you know how I love anthropomorphic things, well, these ants are straight from a Disney flick. And they are always there in the morning when no one but me and the Circus Peanut farmers are awake. And since I love to talk....

I talk to them.

I want you to know that I do understand that they may speak in a different language than I and they may only hear a series of chirps every time I open my mouth, but they do seem to listen, their antennae stop the swirling and focus on my every word, which is more than I can say for most humans.

I talk about things like how upsetting it is to wake up and find that a spawn shat in the middle of the night and it was too big to flush, and how this makes me feel less sexy than I should ALL day!!

I let them know how lucky they are that they don't have unruly coifs to style every morning.

I ask them if the Disney depiction of their existence in "A Bugs Life" is accurate, are they really living in the oppression of grasshoppers? Cause if so, I may have to take grasshoppers OFF my list of bugs I allow to live if found in my house, along with Lady Bugs, Daddy long leg spiders and Roly Poly's. This would give me a completely different political viewpoint and the death penalty may be warranted.

I ask them if ant sex is exciting, we laugh and laugh when they blush over the topic.

I question whether or not they had a choice in their career path, because being a long distance "over the road" ant scout must be strenuous. Is there hazard pay? You Know, for risks like, well, me??

And this is where the conversation turns a little morbid. I have them choose their fate. Would they prefer a watery ride on the loo, or a "to the point" squashing. Counter-clockwise twist of the antennae for the loo and clockwise for the squash. The squash always seems to win, but I assume it is only because antennae can not move counter-clockwise.

I do apologize to them that they do now have to die, but also explain that If it were up to me, I would gladly let them live. They come to an understanding that the girls do that "squealy girl thing" everytime they see one of their kind and the "squealy girl thing", as we all know, makes any rational human want to puncture their ear drums with those little fancy toothpicks you might find securing the layers on a Denny's club sandwich. I would use the pink topped ones (see, I knew you were wondering what color I would choose for this act of mercy, because I'm all intuitive like that).

But the real story here is about my son. He says that the ants are our friends and that we should not kill them. He is also the child that after I mistakenly told him that the grasshoppers that hang out around the front door must be "racing hoppers" because they are black with a bright yellow stripe, brought a dozen or so in the house while I was in the back room and was found laughing and slapping the tile to encourage "the racers".

I have watched him numerous times as he carefully scoops up a lucky ant and carries it gingerly to the porch, talking to it all along the way. He then slowly places them on the concrete and to the beginning of their new found freedom. He says a final sweet goodbye and pats them on the head,,, which promptly and ironically,,,

,,,, kills the ant in a "to the point" squashing fashion....

Thus is the circle of life... (insert Lion King music here)
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

repost of my first eloquently written "Love Letter"...REVAMPED SEDUCTRESS STYLE!!! and sadly still teaches a lesson.....

I wanted to repost this because in looking back at my dating experiences since I wrote this post I can honestly say: WTF?!!

It seems, the further I delve into what are supposed to be the "happiest" and "funnest" single times of my life, the more I realize that maybe that 19 year old I thought I "loved" was actually a love "rocket scientist". That guy who wore tight ball busting jeans and a t-shirt that read: STUD FOR HIRE, to meet my preacher father for the first time, (causing our only "dates" to be on the front porch of my house for months) rivaled Einstein. He "got it", he knew that when/if it was meant to be, it WOULD be. And if it wasn't, then that would be OK too.

Maybe I STILL have it all wrong. Is the moment that I actually just accept my own life "as it is" and without the pressure of feeling "less than" because I don't have a husband or partner, the moment that a weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I can start to enjoy every breath without feeling "slighted"?

=( Pictures, Images and Photos

So, these are words that I wrote for a sweet faced love of mine. Words that as I wrote them, made me weep from the strength and joy I had thought I found. Words that haunt me again as I found them hidden (in rough draft form) in an envelope stuck in a chest full of other memories. The page was still punctuated with the tears of joy I had shed while writing and also the tears of pain shed after he left (insert empathetic sniffle here)... and now the tears of laughter at thinking he ever deserved these words in the first place!! But I was young (19), and he was my first "love"...

So without further ado, I give you:

By: The girl who WAS invisible, but definitely NOT a seductress!!

Teenage Love Pictures, Images and Photos

Dear You,

Your words send me into a trance, it's only when I stumble upon the weakness that I have for you that I feel my own mortality. We are transcending time with each touch, like a stop motion camera watching a flower blossom in the spring. The petals of love soften and curl as they open fully to the morning rays, exposing a virgin soul that had otherwise remained hidden from the light, pure and sweet with its intentions. I await further ripening of my spirit with each breath you take, that lingers next to my skin. I pull to you closer and steal the heat away as I enjoy every part of your being. I am renewed when you look into my eyes, pushing me deeper and deeper into a loss of rational thought. I will give you all that I have and would offer all I ever will, if you were to stay here by my side, looking at me that way, feeding every carnal hunger.

It is much more than a love, but a journey into what all of us pray to find in another, a union of mind and body, separate and defined, but parallel on the path to our happy ending.


Uh,, yea,, that SHOULD have scared the hell out of a normal 19 year old boy!!!!!!

No wonder he ran a few weeks after this!! This left me crushed and questioning my worth.

I now know that this is what I should have written to wooo him at at that very tender age...

Dear Megaman-awesomepants,

You still live with your parents, I have my own place and big screen TV with a remote control that loves the sports channel and soft porn. I also have a fake ID for beer, real tits that your friends all talk about and a blonde room mate who wants a "stripper pole".

You're stupid, but I won't call you on it. I'm smart, but I won't rub it in your face by using big words like: "antidisestablishmentarianism" in our daily conversations although I do feel that the antidisestablishmentarianism of the church has greatly improved.

I work at the bank so you may possibly be entitled to refunds when you bounce $15 checks buying clearance video games at Toys-R-Us. And buy me a Pez dispenser for our anniversary while you are there please!!

I think buffalo wings should accompany every date we go on and going "dutch" is awesome! I want your clothes to smell fresh so I will wash them with jasmine, and also,,,, please allow me to wash your feet and dry them with my hair, as done in biblical times.

When you fart it enlightens my senses. When you burp, I feel the love in the air. Size and time does not matter when I am with you, you are a sexy, sexy beast! The tracks in your underwear that lay on my floor, that I have to walk over to get out of the room, are even very sexy! And it's cool that you don't actually have to un-zip or un-belt your pants because they fall to the ground like you shrunk out of them ie: the witch in "The Wizard of Oz", I think clothes that fit are so over rated!

And YES,,,,, marijuana SHOULD be legalized because you say so! You create a very compelling debate for it when you are high, that is greatly accentuated with the cheez-puff dust on the corner of your mouth and the burn holes on your t-shirt from when you dropped the doobie in passing. When you screamed: "DUDE!!! I'm on FIRE,,,,, DUDE!!!" it was really, really endearing and the warm beer I put you out with worked very nicely!

Your friends are always welcome here as they are all geniuses. And it is OK that your ex-girlfriend still calls you in the middle of the night, you are very thoughtful to take the time to counsel her.

Oh, and I WILL support you until you get another job. I am sure your female boss just "imagined" you were flirting with her when you hand slipped off the King of the Burger's register and slapped her polyester clad rear end.


Do you think he would have stayed then?


Young love and the lessons we have to learn the hard way!!!

Here's to hoping that the men my age have transcended that ignorance,, but still like cheez- puffs...

I'm still OK with cheez-puffs!!!

Please enjoy a classic snippet from the charming men of SNL:

HEY!!! I've danced with these guys!!!!

Note to self: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH *facepalm*.....

And PS: I love the "retro" comments too! I hope all of you have found great happiness in the months since this originally was posted and even though I seem to be in the same spot, I have since mastered scaring off an even more clueless set of men-- so--here's to all the single gals who are OK with their "weird catless cat-lady" futures if thats what they are meant to have...But if not....single out......we're coming for ya!!!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Mothers Love.....

This is a repost... One night Traxx climbed in bed with me, the light was shining on his little face SOOO perfectly, it made me tear up. I laid hoping my kids know how much I love them. I ended up writing this story and illustrating it this afternoon (which because I am NOT an artist, took forever!!). DramaGirl got into the action contributing a pic of the most perfect platypus and a tag at the end..... it is so sweet and SPECIAL!!

I am giving this post to you again as a mothers day present. I wish I could print it for you all. Re-gift it to people with kids as much as you want. It may not be an award winning book, but it is sweet and came from a mommies heart. (little tip.... I'm the vixen....*wink*)

Deep in the forest, under big shady trees, a meeting was starting, the kind no one sees.

A Fox took charge and she silenced the crowd:

“We’ll all get our chance now, no need to be loud!”

“We’re here to find out, which mom loves the best!"

"Which animal mommy will beat ALL the rest?”

A polar bear rumbled, and wanted her turn, for HER love was the deepest, as all here should learn.

“I come from the land, of snow and of wind, the days are too long, but the nights never end. I can look to the sky and almost always will see, a dance of bright snowflakes performing for me. With each frozen jewel that will land on this Earth, well, I love my cubs TWICE that much since their birth!”

This number impressed even the head of the meeting, but the other mom’s knew, their love wasn’t fleeting. They mumbled and griped, and refused to be quiet, and then a Toucan flew over to add to the riot:

“I’m from the forest of hard daily rains, and sometimes it gets messy, sometimes it’s a pain, but we love our babies, colored bright like the sun, more than every single raindrop, YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE!”

Again there was gasping, that number WAS grand, but a cheeky mommy monkey would now take the stand:

“Well, everyone knows it’s bananas we crave, we eat TEN each day, and nary we save. Take every banana, and all of their trees, why, we’d give them ALL up just to hug our babies!!”

Mommy Fox looked over, to a small patch of ground, to see the odd creature that was making odd sounds:

“A platypus, HEY, well what do ya know?
I can’t wait to hear THIS, just give it a go!!”

The platypus smiled and waved to the crowd.
She stood on her hind legs and spoke VERY loud:

(I am in LOVE with DramaGirl's Platy, aren't you?)

“Yes, we look strange, I admit that is true, but no love is stronger, just let me tell you! We live in the water where mud swirls up, we dig and make homes there and never give up. For all of our fighting to survive every struggle, we’d do it forever just to raise our sweet little puggles.”

“Oh my," the Fox said! Well, who would have known? Baby plats are called puggles, until they are grown! And I must declare, you gave quite a show, while you talked about your baby with your face all aglow!”

“Glowing, who’s glowing? With THAT we are best!
Just let me speak up, I’ll pass every test!"

There flying high, Fox saw a sweet friend, and this little friend had a light on her end!

“Little, Mrs. Firefly, I bid you HELLO!!
It's your turn to speak now, so give it a GO!"

“We glow like the sun, twinkling bright with our love, that easily out shines, the stars shooting above!!”

Soon a mom grew impatient;
jumping straight to the front:

“Just stop all this nonsense, so I can finish my hunt!”

“Dear Tigress, yes, YES, please, share your story, a mothers love is so precious and deserves ALL the glory!”

“We hunt very often and teach our cubs to be strong, if we respect what is offered, we never go wrong. This great land is a gift, but our cubs are the treasure, the pride land is so vast, it can never be measured. To our cubs we pass down, all they see, they will own, another love so empowered, will NEVER be known.”

One shy little raccoon now waved her black paw:

“I don’t mean to intrude, but there’s something I saw.”

“Sweet Mommy Raccoon, yes, step up and we’ll chat, what did you see, and where were you at?”

“It’s in the small homes of a quaint little village; I stop there to eat, from their garbage I pillage. I look in the window each night and I see, a picture so touching it affects even me!”

“You’ll all come along, I will show you the way!"

"We’ll have the TRUE story by the end of the day!”

The animals all followed their smart little friend and wound up at a window down the street at the end. A mother was snuggled up, reading a book, with her sweet little babies, she shared loving looks. At the end of the story she tucked them in tight and kissed their cheeks softly and turned out the lights. She walked to the hallway, then peeped in again, just to tell them once more, how much she loved them.

The animals were touched, but not ONE could be sure, which mommy animal loved THEIR babies more.

They stood looking in, knowing one thing was clear;
they ALL missed their babies and wanted them near!

Some ran off quickly, and some took it slow...

After all, how fast could a mommy turtle go?

They went to their dens, to the nests or the shore, back home to their babies that each one adored. They told them THIS story and tucked them in tight. They kissed their cheeks softly, and turned out each light.

They took a few steps and then peeped in again, just to tell their sweet babies how much they loved them.

Now I’m reading this story so I can tell YOU, how much I adore everything that you do.

I’ll kiss your sweet cheek and turn out your light, pull up your blankets, and snuggle you tight!

I’ll tell you I love you and smile, but then, I’ll steal one more hug, while I tell you AGAIN!!

That is the story, and it should be the end!
But Mommy Fox's are tricky, so SHE peeps
BACK in!

I have something to tell you!
There is something to know!

This Mommy Fox WINS our little LOVE show!!!


As an added bonus, the PERFECT song for this post.....